| I made an important self-realization today. I am not afraid of failure. That is, at least, if I've planned for the possibility of failure, then it becomes just a branch on a tree of contingencies. People are complicated, though. I can't possibly account for every conceivable chain of events. Therefore, I often settle for the one, absolutely predictable course of action: not doing anything. This is a huge mistake. I am going to call this behaviour "preparation anxiety," the irrational fear that one is insufficiently prepared to undertake a course of action. It can only lead to inaction and stagnation because no amount of preparation will suffice.
It becomes an excuse to avoid taking risks. I think that this is a particularly dangerous trap for inexperienced pickup artists because we feel, by studying pickup, that we are preparing ourselves for effective socialization. The next book or the next podcast will reveal the secret that finally guarantees a successful, predictable social experience.
This is a pipe dream. I will never be "prepared enough" not to feel anxious or to know precisely what I will do, no matter what happens. On the other hand, objectively speaking, I am very prepared to succeed. I possess a wealth of knowledge about social dynamics that stands me head and shoulders above other men in the field. Sometimes, of course, I will fail. Sometimes, I won't know what to say. All I can do is act anyway and acknowledge that whatever occurs, I will survive to try again. The alternative is unacceptable.
I recently read an article about confidence that described two sorts: existential and behavioural confidence. Behavioural confidence is confidence that one will succeed at a particular task or action. It would be absurd to have behavioural confidence in everything that one does. Sometimes, it is necessary to try things where failure is a possibility. It is equally absurd, however, to refuse to act without behavioural confidence.
By contrast, existential confidence is confidence in one's ability to endure circumstances with patience and to love oneself even when one fails. I can confidently address unfamiliar, frightening circumstances because I know that, at worst, they are setbacks, and at best, they are opportunities.
I'm not going to throw out planning altogether, but I'm going to remember that there is no such thing as a perfect plan. I will remind myself to be flexible, adaptable, ready to improvise. I will not let a derailment of my plans ruin my day. Instead, I will roll with the fall, get back on my feet, figure out what's going on, and change my plans accordingly. It will be hard. It might hurt. But it sure beats curling up and crying about it.
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Some vices miss what is right because they are deficient, others because they are excessive, in feelings or in actions, while virtue finds and chooses the mean.
Aristotle, Ethica Nichomachea
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