This is my first post in little while, as you'll see why. (Note: no sympathy desired)

Over the past two months of my life, thing have gone from being generally good to quite miserable. Yes, March, April, and a week of May have been nothing short of a lumbering disaster. For starters, all of my physical problems have reared their ugly head(s): left knee cap and left shoulder, both from multiple dislocations which cannot be fixed unless I go for surgery that I cannot afford. They got me physically feeling shitty.

On top of that, I start getting sick with an increase in seasonal allergies. Fantastic. School, of course, is getting on my nerves with finals this week and my full-time summer semester starting only a few days after my last final. Stress and depressing are beginning to get the better part of me. I go to sleep around 5-6 AM and wake up anywhere from 9 AM to 4 PM feeling terrible upon awaking. My diet has gone to shit and my exercise routines are ineffective. My band has been taking forever recording and putting out our album, also a cause of frustration and stress as my bank account dwindles to nothing as I fork out loads of cash for school and struggling to operate, supposedly from a mutual account that has also become nothing thanks to wall street executives.

This is actually just a reduced, watered down list of some of the less serious, less personal issues going on in my life right now as I'm not trying to sound like a "woe is me" sack of shit (although I'm doing a good job). Now what does this have to do with pickup/game/sarging/so on and so forth....Well...this phase has destroyed my sex drive, physical appearance (large bags under my eyes, not in the mood to even look presentable, a lack of showering/beard trimming) and most importantly, it took down my confidence, motivation, and personality.

I'll share with you an example: A few months ago I met girl A in my math class, seemed nice enough, got plenty of IOI's, got talking, but froze her out multiple times due to my situation. Not part of my game at all, well...not this time at least. She tried to hang out but I was busy--not the fake busy, but the legitimately swamped and drowning busy. I went from the confident and funny guy to this angry, stressed out wreck. I would talk to her, and at the last minute, I'd just throw in something openly insulting, not even a neg, just a "fuck off and leave me alone."-ish line. I'd open smoothly and confidently but then would become severely disinterested. I had no time to "flirt." My teases turned into insults and my patience grew thin as early spring ice for ever girl I came into contact with. I did it out of spite, I suppose?

Well, yesterday she texts me: "Hang out with me tonight and help me study for our math final!" I respond: "Sure, I can help you "study." :] just give me a call when you want to and I'll see what I can swing." She texts me around 7 and asks me to hang out. I take 40 minutes and respond back with "No." She calls a few times and leaves a message asking me if I'm alright or "if she was being to forward with me." I ignore them.

I see her today and she goes to smile and wave. I ignore. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why I am doing this. Misery loves company, I guess. She shrugs and walks away. I take the test. As I go to leave she tries to smile at me again, I again, blatantly ignore her--multiple classmates also saw this. It's not until a few hours ago, while trying to study for my philosophy exam, that it hits me: What the fuck did I just miss out on? I kicked myself--a swift knee to my sternum, to be exact. I genuinely enjoyed this girl...not to mention her nice figure.

If only I had actually opened myself up, I wouldn't still be as miserable as I am now. I also took out my misery on that poor, but unforgivably cute girl. I kept her at arms length at all times and didn't/couldn't get physical. So what's the lesson? Never under estimate the impact of another human being on your life and happiness. It can be anybody. One should never, ever, ever, take for granted another human. Let people in, they can help you cheer up. Fight against the misery, not other people. After all, self destruction is just that, self destruction.

I hope this post helped somebody out there who might be feeling the same way or somebody whose not got the sunniest sky overhead.