| Chief, it's one page.
By MLA (Modern Language Association) standards that is a long quote.
here I will even make a goddamn citation card.
Savoy, Nick. Magic Bullets. San Francisco: Love systems, 2007.
Women will often assume that this is where your relationship is going, especially if you sleep together more than once, unless either of you say or do something to imply
otherwise. This may seem strange on the surface. Most of your sexual encounters have probably not led to Traditional Relationships. This is because people often do “say or do something to imply otherwise”. This can be subtle. For example, if she mentions other men or dates at any point of your interaction after the first hour or so, she’s probably not ready for a Traditional Relationship at that point. If you have a “party” vibe about you and never seem to get serious, she may assume the same about you. Let’s assume that you do want a Traditional Relationship. Monogamy happens when both people are more interested in building something together than they are in exploring other people. Put
another way, monogamy happens when both people are more worried about losing the other than they are about losing their freedom.
Developing this kind of closeness is primarily based on emotional intimacy. Comfort still applies in the Relationship phase. The most important element for relationship-building is time spent together. If you can see her 2-3 times per week without her feeling smothered, you should
be in good shape. We go into how to do this below. To build this kind of intimacy, start in the Comfort phase . Vague, long-term plans based on
common interests are a great idea. Don’t push for actual plans during Comfort; planning is boring for many women and engages the logical side of the human brain instead of the emotional one. Personally, if I am
dating a woman who tells me she loves painting, I am likely to make vague plans with her to go to an art gallery. If we realize we both love ice hockey, I’ll comment on how we have to go to a game. If she wants
to be a better cook, then I’ll suggest we take a cooking class. Not only are you uncovering great date ideas,
but you also:
Reinforce her feelings that you and she have some exciting possibilities together.
Prompt her to imagine herself with you, in other contexts, in the future.
Imply that you see potential for a longer-term relationship with her.
After you sleep with her
If you want to make a woman your girlfriend, solidify your connection with her immediately after the first
time you sleep together. Stay over or invite her to stay over. Have breakfast together. Call her the next day.
Communicate to her by your actions that she’s not a one-night stand to you. But don’t be clingy. Don’t
send her flowers. And nothing feels clingier, literally, than someone trying to cuddle with you when you
want space.
Your actions should provide a clue to your intentions, but don’t expect the same from her. Women face a lot of guilt for enjoying their sexuality, and sometimes appear distant after sex the first time with someone
new, even when they feel connected to him. This is one of life’s little double standards. Before you feel sorry for yourself and your gender, think about what childbirth must be like. She’ll sort through her emotions
soon enough and show you how she really feels. In the meantime, if she wants distance, give her distance. If she wants to be close, be close.
Call the next day. This is an important call, and should not be awkward for her.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
The Next Day Call (Traditional Relationships)
Don’t call to “check in” with her.
Don’t refer to having had sex with her.
Call because something funny happened that you want to tell her about
or for any other reasonwhy you might have called her even if you hadn’t had sex the previous day.
Be the same natural, fun, and interesting person you were before you slept with her.
Don’t let awkward silences develop, or sound nervous or talk too much or too quickly. If you’re worried about awkward silences, cue up enough topics to talk about for at least an 8-10 minute conversation
Don’t rush into making plans unless she seems very warm and comfortable towards you on this
call.
End the call first if you can (it’s not the end of the world if you don’t).
You should usually save your invitation to see each other again for one of your next calls. If she sees you again after you’ve slept together, you’re well on your way. Use each time you see each other to discuss
mutual interests and upcoming events. Further dates will follow naturally out of these conversations. For example, say you’re both talking about your love for classical music. You mention that you were thinking
about checking out a concert in the park next Sunday. Unless she changes the subject, invite her along.
Now you have another date.
At some point, she should give off some indications that she’s committing to you. Here are some examples: She reserves part of her weekend for you, or wants to know what you’re doing on her days off so she can make her plans She suggests plans or trips
She introduces you to her friends more than once. Listen to how she introduces you and watch for how she acts around you. Remember, women lose social value if their friends perceive them as easy,
so she probably is not introducing multiple men (in a romantic context) to her friends.
If she hasn’t given any of these signals, be patient. Use the telephone to your advantage. Call her a couple
of times during the week, for about 10-20 minutes each time, to tell her something interesting that happened
to you or to check in on something specific in her life (e.g., if she’s recovered from being sick; how
her new job is going, etc.). It shows that you care and that you listen. Most of the usual telephone rules from
If this isn’t working, inject a note of competition. This is why I made the point earlier that people get into monogamous relationships when they are more worried about losing someone than they are about losing
their freedom. Mention exciting events that are happening in your life that just coincidentally make amusing stories and imply, without saying it explicitly, that other women are pursuing you. For example, when
discussing weekend plans, you can say something like “a friend of mine invited me to her cottage on the lake this weekend, so I might not have cell phone reception…so don’t miss me too much and I’ll call you
when I get back.” If she is interested in a commitment, she should bring up the idea of you as her boyfriend or ask you if you’re seeing other women. This is not a time for a jealousy plotline. Just be genuine here.
It‘s a rare woman who will see you 2-3 times per week and never refer to you as her boyfriend or initiate a discussion about the future. But if it happens, then the responsibility falls on you to say something like “I
feel funny bringing this up, but I realized we never actually talked about this. Are we supposed to be seeing other people?” Be emotionally neutral – and not nervous – when you say this. Don’t let her turn the question
back on you. You brought the subject up and you are asking about her perception of the current rules of the relationship. There’s no reason why she needs to hear your answer first. Remember, she needs to come to the conclusion herself that she doesn’t want to see other men and/or
that she’d rather give up the ability to see other men in return for knowing that you won’t see other women.
It’s important for her to decide this herself instead of being pressured by you. If you push her into a commitment
before she feels ready, you’re significantly adding to the likelihood that she’ll cheat on you later.
So let’s not do that.
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CHAT
