I got this letter in my email on Friday night at 9:15 while I was sitting in my hotel room in Florionapolis, Brazil, reading sports blogs.

Yes, that's the "Entourage"-life of a real pro pickup artist!

I tell you this because this letter really gets to the heart of what I want to teach. I don't care if you bang a thousand girls. I don't care if you finally nail that cheerleader who you were convinced was purposely ignoring you or laughing at you all through high school (she wasn't. Other people are so wrapped up in their own lives and quiet misery they really don't have time to pick on you, and when they do, it's only their desperate shot at a moment of release from the nagging certainty that their lives are not what they were supposed to be).

I tell you this because the life of a Man is whatever we choose, and it cannot be judged as a success or failure by anyone's measure but your own. We are all given certain strengths and weaknesses. For example, I can't wakeboard. I found that out, painfully, this week. I also am not very good at staying in a hostel full of boisterous, yet wonderful, 20-somethings from Australia and Ireland. I'm not really much of a social guy, and going out, making small talk, and working the room is always going to feel like... WORK for me.

That's one of the reasons I left my job at Stanford. I worked my way up from Internet Programmer (eat a bag of dicks, Visual Basic!) to Internet Project Manager, and discovered that the trade-off for big money and a nice title was making small talk and selling subtle bullshit excuses to clients that I genuinely liked away from work, but couldn't stand talking to about the business at hand.

If I were in Glengarry Glen Ross, I'd be fresh out of coffee, cos I'm not a closer.

I'm a thinker. I'm a reader. I'm a dreamer and a nerd and I'm a little awkward and nervous and I think I always need to come up with something funny and insightful and brilliant to say next, and that is just fine with me.

Cos I'm also cute, fun, funny as hell, passionate, and no one, NO ONE, is better at making a woman feel out-of-her-mind sexy and hot as I am.

There are benefits to being a nerd, you see. As they said in "Revenge of the Nerds," "jocks think about sports. Nerds just think about sex."

I'm a wanna-be jock who's really far, far, far better and sexier at being a nerd.

So when you read this letter, remember, this isn't some dude out there alone in the wilderness crying out about his unique condition. The details may not be the same, but the story is:

We all feel like we are missing out, and it only gets worse when we hear again and again how everyone else is having a way sexier, famouser, better time than we are. Just remember, I've been on the other side of it too... and there's one thing you can know for sure.

The more someone brags to you in detail about the things that make his life great, the more he knows he's completely fucking miserable and is hoping to convince you otherwise, cos he'll never convince himself. True happiness is seen on the faces of the quietly confident. That's the smile that comes from nowhere. That's the satisfaction of living your life to the best of YOUR abilities, and giving, and getting, as much joy as you can.

Here's his story. My story. Your story.
I have bi-polar. I've had it for 25 years, and it's only in the last year I've taken it seriously enough to understand there are some things I can do, and some I simply can't. The best way I can explain it is it's like having Diabetes. My body needs a little help at maintaining a state most people just have, and if I stick to the rules, I'm OK. But if I start to think I can just do whatever I want, I get in trouble.

I have to stick to my meds. I have to get regular sleep. I have to make rules for myself that may not apply to other people. And part of it is social anxiety and panic attacks. I've got it, and I've had 'em. Every time I go out into a social situation, I get the same feeling in my gut I used to get before the start of every cross-country race back in school (cross-country? Nerd alert!). I start to wish that it just won't happen, that a meteor will strike and cancel the whole damn thing and I can get out of it without having to totally lose face.

Most of the time once the race starts, I feel OK. But that fear of anticipation never goes away.

So what do I do? I limit my social engagements. I mean, A, you're not the only one who's finally sacked up and headed out to a bar even though he had no mates to go with.

And before I go on, I want you to read, and feel, that part again. Cos NO ONE has the stones to go out to a bar by himself. No one. Think of all the "social" people you know or have seen. They all have one thing in common, and that is a total lack of faith in themselves to go out and do something on their own. Call it extrovert vs. introvert or whatever, but the fact is that for people who are good at doing things on their own, the world is set up to make things pretty fucking difficult. It's not a small thing that you went out on your own. It's a fucking Clint Eastwood, Man with No Name-level ballsy thing to do. So acknowledge that.

Ain't no PUA gonna head out to a bar by his lonesome just to see what happens. That's why they are all so obsessesed with creating little clubs and cults to support them. It takes a real man to do things on his own, his own way.

So back to it. You get fed up with spending yet another night inside alone. You're in a small town with no real friends around, and yet when you look outside, especially on the weekend nights, it looks like everyone else is out there having a fucking blast.

When I moved to Boston, I left all my friends back home in Connecticut. And then when I moved to California, I left even the friends I had left 3000 miles behind. I would go to work every day, stare at my computer, come home, eat dinner, walk my dogs, and stare at the computer for a bunch of hours more before bed.

I had no friends. Actually, that's a lie. I did have people around who wanted to spend time with me, but I am, as a girl once told me in a bar, "a quirky guy." I don't let people in all that easily. In fact, I can really only count two or three really close friends, I mean the kind you can just hang out with and not care what you say or do, my whole life.

I'm friendly as hell with a lot of people, but when it comes down to it, I keep to myself. I never ask anyone for help moving. I never call someone up just to see if they want to catch a film. I'm the expert at dining alone in places (always sit at the bar and bring a book), and shopping at off-hours. I like the feeling of being on my own, and honestly, the thought of having a group of guys to hang out with all the time and do things together as a group, well...

I like my friends. But I don't feel close to them. I don't even know if that makes sense. But I've felt pretty much on my own for most of my life, and it doesn't make me feel bad except when I think I'm supposed to feel bad for it.

It's not a terrible thing to be an individual. Hell, when you look at the whole of culture around the world, it's the individual, the one who stands apart from the pack, who makes the great change. Jesus, Buddha, Mohommed, Einstien, John Lennon, Tupac. The cost of being a great man is the company of lesser men. And that's not a bad way to think about it, cos you are always going to have people telling you how it's wrong to do things on your own.

As Perry Farrell said, "ain't no wrong now or no right. There's only pleasure and pain."

So you are the Man who stands alone. And when you go out, brother, that's when you feel it the most. I still feel this every day when I go out, feeling like every eye is on me, and if I dare to walk into a bar for a drink, it's like there's a cartoon cloud over my head saying "where are all his friends?"

I learned a secret years ago, tho, and this might just help you a bit too. And unlike that "guru" you mentioned, I'm not gonna charge eleventy billion dollars for it.

Ready?

No one gives a fuck about you except... YOU.

It's true. No one cares if you are happy or sad. No one. Not your mother or father. Sure, they say they want you to be happy, but that's just a nice thing to say. What they really mean is they want you to be SAFE, and not DIE, because if you die before they do than they feel like failures and have to live with that pain.

They don't want that. Why? Cos they have to look out for their own well-being.

Your co-workers don't care what you feel. Your boss doesn't care if you are sad, as long as you are productive. Your teachers just want you to do the work and contribute. Your friends are looking to you to find ways to make their own lives more fulfilling.

Hell, even a great Love, the best girl in the world, the one who will do anything for you... and I have that girl now, cos it IS fucking possible, it is fucking PROBABLE if you keep living your life like your own man that she will appear... even that Great Love can only begin to feel that you be happy.

Even she is almost totally consumed with finding some way to make herself feel good.

And that's not a selfish, terrible thing. That is the survival mechanism of every single human being. We do what we need to do to make our lives better, whatever it takes. Morality is laid on top of that so we can function in groups without simply destroying each other, but even that is based fundamentally on altruism. If you were to kill off everyone who annoyed you, you would eventually miss out on resources they can give you. So it makes more sense to work with them.

I'll repeat it again: NO ONE gives a shit about how you feel. Not at all.

Good, bad, indifferent. Horny, desperate, wussy. Manly, aggro, furious. All the same. The only thing that other people feel is their reaction to you and what YOU create.

When you walk into a bar and it appears to you to be full of Chav Douches (I like the blending of Anglicism and Americanism!), it's true. When you walk into a bar and it appears to be full of friendly people, it's true.

This isn't some spacey hippie shit, either. You create your reality because you determine your actions. I'll prove it. Let's say I walk in to that same bar, and I feel walking in that I will have fun with friendly people. What will happen is that my pre-selection will keep me from even seeing the douchebags, and only friendly people will appear on my radar.

I may be a touch anti-social, but I will tell you one thing I am blessed with. I have never, ever, EVER had a guy tool me in a public place over a girl.

Except one time.

When I was 12, I was at a school dance. I was dancing like a retarded monkey in a group of about 6 girls. Billy Idol or something. I was the fucking man. I mean, I dig the music, there's girls everywhere, so what else could I need?

Then this kid comes up to me and says, "hey man, you're a great dancer." I smile all big and say thanks, then I notice he's not really smiling as he says it. And then I see over his shoulder 4 other dudes in my school looking over and laughing.

Were they laughing at me? Were they making fun of me? Perhaps.

I mean, it sure felt like it then. It felt like I was suddenly on display, and the fact that 6 cute girls sure seemed to like what I was doing was not as important as the fact that 5 skinny pimply dudes didn't like it.

I stopped dancing. I made some excuse. And I never went back to another school dance.

But now I look back on it, and I wonder... who's to say they were even laughing at me? I mean, honestly. It's just an interpretation, right? And after that time, I changed myself inside. I built my body and built my mind so that when I go out now, there is something in my presence that keeps things like that from ever happening.

It happened once. And I got the lesson from it clear. It's not that people will judge you so be careful what you do. It's that people may judge you based on how sad they feel about themselves, so do what you want and ignore their reactions, because they don't really have anything to give you.

Now that I think about it, there have been times when other people have pointed out someone acting like a douche towards me, and I always confess to be totally unaware. Really? Why? That makes no sense, I'd say.

Cos if someone else is acting like a jerk and I don't even acknowledge it, then it ceases to exist.

If a douchebag falls in the woods and no one is around to hear him...




The same is true with the girls. You don't want to walk up to them and use a chat up line cos you're afraid you'll get caught using a chat up line. You don't want to tell her you like her cos you're afraid she'll then tell you all the reasons why she doesn't like you. And under no conditions do you want to walk up and just say "Hi, what's your name," because everything you've ever heard tells you how lame that is.

So you say and do nothing. If you risk nothing, you cannot get more hurt, right? Bullshit.

The risk is all invented. It's all part of that thinking that your parents put into you forever ago: Just Stay Safe.

But there's no real danger and no real threat. I mean, don't you think of yourself as smart and quick and clever enough to talk your way out of any fight if it came to it? I've had guns pulled on me, and I've talked my way out of everything. It's not that tough if you just keep your cool.

And consider this: if all the girls in the bar are there with boyfriends, then why the fuck are they out in a bar? If they were really a hot couple, they would be far far away where they could be getting their Lovin' on, you feel me?

Any guy who gets defensive about "his" girl in a bar is a douche, and he will make it clear real fast. If that happens, you just congratulate him. Be a stand-up guy and tell him what you would want to hear.

"She's a great girl man. You're a lucky dude. Have a good night."

And if the girl is in a bar and NOT with a guy, as 90% of them are, well, you are the real reason she is there. She came out hoping against hope to meet someone. She doesn't think it will happen. She knows nothing great will come of being in a bar, but she has to try, cos she's even more desperate than you.

Think of it this way. As hard as it is to be a dude sometimes and have to deal with women, at least we don't have to wait around hoping we look good enough for one of the drunken chav douches to make a run at us.

Anytime you think it's hard dating, thank whatever you pray to that you don't have to date MEN.


Look, bro, you made it out one night. You did it. And now you can never go back. It's changed forever. Now you know what you are capable of. And you got a feel for the place. Y'know what? Chances are that's not your kind of spot. So you can either give up, or get clever.

That's not your spot? Find another. You're not nailed down, are you? There are transportation options where you live, yes? You can go anywhere and do anything. Think about the kind of girl you'd like to have for your girlfriend. Is she the kind of girl who hangs out in bars with drunken chavs?

Probably not. So why are you looking for her there?

Think about what the girls you like like to do, and go find them there. Call it daygame or natural game or whatever, but the truth is that if you just figure out where the girls you get along with are, they will be LOOKING for you when you get there.

I like girls who travel, so I travel. And I like girls who like to sit outside and play on their computer on a sunny day and listen to hip-hop. And guess where I found my girl...

It wasn't at drunken chav happy hour.


You are not alone, A. We are all in this. And the journey never ever ever ends. Hell, when I gave my hard-earned money to a "guru" I was convinced I'd be rolling in Playmate pussy every morning and marinating in their stinky juices every night. And all that guru got me was some flaky phone numbers and a lot of drama.

The good stuff came from what I did on my own, just as it will for you.

You want to find a great girl? Then stop being such a mental defective, for fuck's sake! Why are you looking for great girls in shitty places? Just cos some fucking lying scumbag on the internet told you to, or because you saw too many "Girls Gone Wild" videos and forgot that the founder of that did prison time for drugging underage girls to film those videos?

Don't fall for the lies. You are smarter than that. If you wanted to find a great job, would you go looking for it at the same job fair where everyone else goes, or would you get a little creative?

What do you want? That is the only question that matters. What kind of girl? What does she do for fun? What does she care about? Does she get crinkle at the corners of her eyes when she smiles?

WHERE IS SHE?

You're smart. You can find the answer to that fast. And it ain't in the club or on MySpace.

She's out there. Go looking. Hunt. Keep your goddamned eyes open, cos when you see her, you are going to look her in the eye, smile, walk up, and say the only thing any girl has been waiting to her since she was old enough to want to hear men talk:

"I saw you over here, and I had to come meet you or I'd always regret it. I'm A."



End of fucking list.

Get mad, A. Get mad and get going, cos the only one who cares about your life is you. So make it great.


Love,


Sean

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Sean Messenger
http://LVo3.com

"War is not the answer. Love is."

ill read ur post later but to answer ur question

no your not hopeless

man. i respect you so much sean. youre straight up with the truths of life and have the same type of outlook that i have, on a general note, if you kjnow what im saying.

im happy that i read this. i had just come home from a real shit day. i had gone to a mall, hopin to sarge the joint out, and i had just frozen man. you know, that same shit feeling before the cross country meets you described man? and i was confused, because im usually in control of my emotions. so i only made a few sloppy conversations.

then i read this, and it made me see how clouded my perception of reality had been. what you wrote is similar to concepts in the book The Secret, which i recommend to everyone because its got real powerful notions that concur with strong inner game.

its just really hard to always have that positive outlook man.

Real respect for you Sean that was some post, you obviously connect with this guy, I empathise some of his pain myself. It is a true statement that NO ONE cares for YOU (the "i" inside) like YOU do for yourself, or can when you stop waiting for everyone else to validate your existance. Taking control for some people has never been an issue (EGO is a great shield developed early) but for others our formative lives were shaped by our parents and our situations whether they were medical or phycologically dysfunctional. I myself am struggling to get out on my own as I have only one real friend whom is in a difficult split/change. For us in England theres a confining social structure underlining our lives dating back to Victorian times and with women coming into their own power men are having to redefine their place ,etc. Sean you hit the nail on the head by saying its how you preset the event , look for the negative and it will be there but expect the positive and even when its raining you will find those golden nuggets of people LOOKING FOR YOU.
Abundance in all things is just a different mental state!
J1f

This is pretty much precisely why I have a man-crush on Sean. And I'm not afraid to admit it either, so snicker all you like. Seriously though Sean, you made me tear up a few times there man, cause just like you said, that wasn't just about that one guy, that was about me too and probably almost every guy on here.

Hell, it drives me nuts listening to the guys that brag about being the world's greatest pickup artists because they act like they're so happy and that they're getting tons of women that they really love and connect with. The truth of it is, most of those guys that are bragging about it are just like you said, the guys that are trying to convince themselves that they're happy. I know there was a time when I was all proud of myself for being a PUA and I was incredibly unhappy in actuallity. I could make out with entire groups of hot girls that were all friends when I was at the bar and I was even followed around and asked by women to take them home, but that only made me feel more dead inside.

Hell, I even bailed on a date I was supposed to have 2 nights ago because I was so scared that I might actually get exactly what I wanted; a beautiful, intelligent girl that makes me laugh. I've been having this issue a lot lately actually. Even since I attended the Powerful Sexual Presence/Tantra workshop (link is in my sig for anyone interested in learning more) I've been having amazing women all around me and they've been easily attainable. I've never actually had a relationship that I was happy in before though because I have always gone after the depressed chicks with as many or more issues than myself. Now the prospect of actually having a happy, healthy relationship kinda scares the shit out of me! It's absolutely ridiculous, but that's the truth of the matter.

Reading this really helped though. Even though I coach guys myself, I sometimes forget all these things because it IS me. I hope when you make it here in December I'll have tackled all these issues and maybe I'll even have one of those healthy relationships you keep saying are so great!

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"The 'Brick Walls' are there to allow you to prove how badly you want something!" ~ Randy Pausch

~ Rye

I doubt that there is a single member on this website who does not look up to you like a god. You are as far from hopeless as possible.

_________________
V1V

"I am an immortal. I am a god."

"You're God?"

"I said A god. Not THE God. I don't think."

- Groundhog Day

_________________
===

Sean Messenger
http://LVo3.com

"War is not the answer. Love is."

Eh. Eminem already beat you to the "I obviously didn't read the post but I'll respond to the thread title for comedic value" punch line, and it was only funny the first time.

Excellent post Sean...really excellent! I enjoyed reading it all...and yes it was quite long But I do agree, when you think about how rough you have it as a guy trying to pick up women, just be glad you don't have to sit there all night wondering if you are pretty enough for some guy to approach you. Brilliantly said! And that is why I have been encouraging women to get out there and approach any guy she fancies. Who cares what others may think of her...she may meet someone wonderful she wouldnt have met just sitting around and then what can people say about that? Nothing.

The only reason why people talk about other's lives is because their's isn't interesting enough to talk about.

Why wouldnt I read the post?! Comedic? What you smokin chief?

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V1V

It's great to have someone articulate this. You are a true abstract thinker and I salute you for it.

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"Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative" - Oscar Wilde