| I graduated from high school the other day. I felt numb. I felt dead.
I've been just moving along life, without direction or energy. Everything is ugly, monotonous, child's play. Even when I pick up, it's now sad and empty to me. The only reason I got into this art was to impress this girl but now I find my original goal to be impossible. I was looking through facebook at people and there was this girl whom I wanted to have a passionate relationship with. I legitimately felt love for her. No man can convince me that what I felt was not love. Her eyes spoke of a pain and anguish that I knew too well. Let he be damned who tells me that he knows my fucking feelings better than myself.
But I was scared. And I told myself that I could never approach her and get her to like me. I moved from girl to girl, figuring out what worked and what didn't. It was humiliating and degrading to me but I persevered with the one image of her running amok through my mind. After growing more confident in my skills, I decided to approach her because she gave me a proximity alert at this lunch-in at the library. She just stood right next to me for no damn reason. My heart pounded, and I thought to myself, "My moment of truth. All my hard work pays off here. All those rejections and feelings of anxiety will pay off here." I said, "Hey, what's up?" She responded positively by smiling and saying she was just eating. I was shocked. She actually smiled at me and seemed to be enjoying talking to me. Like a man balancing on a tight rope and caught off guard thus losing his balance and falling off, I fell. Hard. I became flabbergasted and my previous cool demeanor disintegrated into a nervous explanation as to why I was talking. Stammering, I replied "Oh well, you know, I just, was talking to you because, you weren't doing anything. And well...." At this point, she gave me an odd look and said "Okay" and walked away.
You guys will rail me for one-itis but I don't care. Despite knowledge of my condition, I couldn't change my feelings. I immediately became submersed into her. Holy, thought I to myself. Perfect. Love. I was listening to this song by Keane called "Nothing in my Way". And while listening and looking at her pictures, I just broke down into tears, sobbing on my bed. She was happy, smiling with her friends. The thought occurred to me that she'll go through life, completely unaware of my existence or admiration. I felt rejected in a strange way and could compare myself with the creature in Frankenstein. I just muttered through the tears, with my face mashed into the pillow, "It's not fair... it's not fair." I felt powerless towards going to college with the knowledge that she will still be in high school, most likely never to see her again. I would choose death but won't only because I know if I did, I would die with her not knowing how much I cared for her. But now, I, a coward, am facing obliteration from her life altogether. What is there to do? You positivists will tell me to "Move on! Live for yourself. Choose another girl and you will find love there." Maybe you're right. But I still don't know... anymore how to deal with this pain. I believe if I don't handle this situation, these deep seated feelings will develop into some sort of psychological monster.
Let my tale be a cautionary word of advice to others to trust your instincts, to not fear anything but fear itself, and to fight against life with your teeth bared tooth and nail. As for me, I suppose I will always love her. But it won't stop me from moving on.
Adieu.
_________________
"Veni, vidi, vici."
"I came, I saw, I conquered"
-Julius Caesar
|
CHAT
