| Yesterday I accompanied a high-ranking official to a “date.” In fact the woman he dated was in a sort of “on-off” mode. Sometimes he was allowed to fondle her breasts, he told me, but most of the time she pretended as if the two of them were just friends. They had been in a “steady” relationship for a year or so. They are both attractive persons and high up in class and social status.
Situation: last day on the job, the big drink evening where all of the officials and interns mingle. The person I observed is actively pursuing many new girls. Also, he had to return a file to his office before it closed down. However the woman called him to meet up at another square. He was a bit hesitant about it, because he felt it was his evening, his big last night out, and still had something to deliver. Yet he did meet the demands of his ex-girlfriend and came to meet her as she requested.
What he tried to do was, during the drink, to grab her hand and say things such as: “Do you remember what we did last year exactly this time? We took a cruise . . . Do you remember how joyful we were? Perhaps we could have done a cruise this year, too . . . Those were happy days, don’t you think? I could have booked one for a nice price. Why don’t we go on a cruise, sweetheart?” In this way, he tried to trigger memories in her mind – memories of when they were together and happy, and in doing so make her desire to be with him, again.
I noticed that although he played it calm and coolly, diverting the conversation to different points, he kept coming back to trying to pull her into these merry reminiscences: it was as if it was a force that was stronger than him.
Since (many) women are economically independent from men, what goes well with the ladies is this laid-back, nonchalant attitude of “if we can hang out and have a great time together, it’s fine and cool, if it won’t work out or we meet different people we fall in touch with – it’s cool too. No harm done and equally good friends.” This attitude means autonomy, whereas the opposite seeks her loyalty, attachment and, most importantly, approval, and is therefore perceived as clingy and needy.
Even though it is a sign of genuine affection, the great paradox of contemporary relationships is that women want to do everything at their own pace, they want full-blown, deep sweeping romance too, and all this without any strings attached. Hence his set-up was doomed to fail: on the one hand trying to play the “hey, I have a busy evening with lots of things to do – we are not in a relationship anymore so be happy I give you a chunk of my time” unattached autonomy attitude, with the “remember how happy we were? Recognize that what we feel for each other is genuine” attitude on the other hand.
On the one hand: “Okay so, I showed up. But don’t except too much of it.” The other: “Think back of all the romantic times we spent together – and of how good we felt.”
When you are truly in love, and you feel the woman is drifting away from you and grows distant and introvert . . . slipping further and further away . . . One will do whatever one can to make her affirm her feelings for you. But this will make you be perceived as needy and clingy. In this case, he tried to rekindle the good memories to make her clutch on to him. It is a force greater than ourselves. The best one can do in those cases, is to say: "Okay, perhaps I exaggerated a bit and took things too quickly. Let's just hang out, grab a coffee, and see where things go." Then kino her and take her to bed with you. Do this repeatedly so it becomes routine, and eventually the two of you will be basically in a relationship without her having to admit it (if that's an emotional hurdle for her). This was the advice this same person gave me six months ago. But now that things came to things, the feelings of love were stronger than his ability to follow his own advice.
Lesson? Relationships in which you truly lose yourself to love are rarely the ones that last.
As a male, one has no control in relationships where one truly loves. So one pretends to have this nonchalant attitude; this, however, never works. Consciously or unconsciously, ones words will slip back to seeking her approval; one wants to stay sure the woman still loves you and are anxious that she may withdraw into herself and develops doubts. Whereas when you truly don’t give a damn, you will control the relationship. This has the side effect that the woman may actually love you more because women are used to being showered with attention by guys.
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CHAT
