It's Tuesday night and I'm meeting up with my friend and wing K. We go out to a local bar, chat a bit, open a few sets. I'm in a fantastic state. Just happy smiling, like I want to be. Apparently it is world women's day and after a while we go towards some clubs where something should be going on. As we are walking up there a cute young girl, HBCrackwhore, asks me where the subway is. I tell her, kind of joke around, then K jumps in.

I wouldn't say that me and K work very well together as wings. He has a very overbearing and dominant style especially in any group setting. He is not necessarily doing this on purpose, but he has this tendency to cut people out and monopolize interactions completely. So he does his thing here again. In these situations I don't have many options. Either I try to compete with him and that is just not my style and it would definitely result in a super weird experience for the girl so I choose too lean back. We're about to enter a club full of women who are coming from some world women's day event anyway so I tell myself whatever.

We try to get in but HBCrackwhore has tried to get in already and she couldn't as she is only 17 years old. I wouldn't mind going in, but K wants to stay with HBCrackwhore so we decide not to go in either. I suggest we smoke some crack and accuse HBCrackwhore of being a crackwhore. Now I have never smoked crack but I just feel like having my fun with this. I make lots of absurd suggestions, just being a bit of a fool. K does his hyper-aggressive game and I say whatever let's just hang for a bit and afterward I'll go to the club.

We walk around a bit and go toward a bar. I feel that HBCrackwhore is not really responding to what K is doing. He often loses her attention, doesn't manage to get anywhere and she turns back to me a few times. This goes on for a while as we are walking around. When I talk to her I mostly just make fun of her. It turns out she is in Berlin for a few days with her boyfriend who got wasted and then broke up with her the night before and took her money so she has a total of 3 Euros left for two more days. We go to a bar and I buy both of them a drink as K is constantly broke as well. We talk, hang out. I feel HBCrackwhore is quite into me and K keeps trying to pull her back to himself being super sexual to the point of bluntness. He is losing a bit of his usual self-confidence as it isn't working at this point and then his game is deteriorating. He has a tendency to say super sexual things, which sometimes works great but now they just end up coming off as weird and a bit vulgar. HBCrackhead later tells me she was seriously scared of him.

We hang out there for an hour. It's a weekday and I don't want to go out too late. So I tell HBCrackwhore to finish her drink and go to the bathroom. So she does and I ask K what he thinks. He asks me what I think we should do. A note here: HBCrackwhore is staying at a hotel that is very far away and she won't be able to get back there as the subway is not running anymore.
"Whom do you think she is more attracted to?" I ask him.
He pauses. "You," he finally admits.
"I think so too. So I suggest you go home and I offer her that she can sleep on my couch."
He is not happy about this. Talks something about "having invested more" whatever that is supposed to mean, but then relents.

So we leave the bar and K leaves to go his own way and I walk with HBCrackwhore towards the subway stop.

Just a few things about HBCrackwhore here. When I first looked at her I thought she was cute, but wasn't crazy about her. But somehow she had this beauty about herself that you don't notice at first, but when you do it's something very special. The more I spend time with this girl the more I think she is gorgeous. She has a beautiful face, beautiful eyes. And her body is absolutely amazing. So I ask myself whether I would be okay with sleeping with her. She is quite comfortable in her sexuality. On the way to the bar she made some very sexual remarks to me. For example, she asked me where I'm from and I told her I'm Chinese. (I'm European so it was obviously absurd.) Then she said I must have a very small cock. We also talk a bit about drug use and she has a done lots of that too. (Though no crack:-) Legally, this is perfectly okay also. So I decide that I feel good about the idea of having sex with her.

So we're towards the subway stop. We haven't talked so much since K left. She asks me what we are going to do now. I tell her: "I'm going home now." There is a moment of pause. Waiting. Then I pull her in and whisper into her ear. "And I think you are totally hot and you are turning me on so much. So what I want to do is take off your clothes and fuck you." She is a bit embarrassed by this, avoids my gaze and looks down. I continue: "Now whether or not you want to do this, you can come to my place anyway and sleep on my sofa. The other alternative for you would be to hang around some bars until the subway starts running again...What do you want to do?" She says she doesn't know, so I take her hand and start walking towards my place.

Then we talk. She tells me she was a model for a long time for this super famous modeling agency, but that she had to stop as she is too short (I guess around 1.75m) and too fat (which is completely absurd). We also talk a bit about high school etc. She is a laid-back girl, but there is something very sensitive and vulnerable about her too. But we get along so well with each other.

Then we get home and she loves my place and we drink some water and sit down and she smokes a cigarette. I come close to her, draw her in, my face touching her face. She doesn't move away and I smell her neck, her ears. She looks down, avoids my gaze. I keep going for a bit, she doesn't move away or say anything, but somehow I'm not sure if she's really happy about this and I stop. She tells me she is sorry and I make her smile and make her promise never to apologize for something like that again. We relax and talk and she opens up and tells me lots about herself, etc. I make her do her catwalk, unfortunately she's not wearing heels, but it's still totally hot. Her (ex-?)boyfriend seems to be a complete douchebag but she has been with him forever and has almost no experience with other men and wants to get back with him. I take her hesitation to be mainly about that conflict and she says she is very confused. I think at this point she becomes really attracted to me and starts blushing in the cutest way imaginable. Her face turns super red, she looks down on her knees, embarrassed. I hold hands with her and she becomes so comfortable around me and there is something very intimate about all this. I tell her that I am really attracted to her and would love to fuck her, but that I'm totally cool if we don't. We hang out for a while longer and then I tell her that I will go sleep and get her a blanket. I brush my teeth and say goodbye to her and she runs up to me and hugs me really tightly and then I go to sleep in my room.

We sleep at around 3am and at 6am or so my door opens and she is there and jumps into my bed and hugs me tightly. She tells me she missed me and I'm naked as I always sleep naked and she is wearing her clothes. Then we lie just in each other's arms, touching each other and it feels so good and the level of intimacy we have with each other and the chemistry is just off the charts. This goes on for a while. I'm not really escalating, but then again it's hard to have an amazing girl like that in your arms and just do nothing. So I start touching her more, especially her boobs. This girl has some of the most phenomenal boobs of any woman I have been with. And I would love nothing more than to suck them all night long. I touch her all over her body, hold her tightly and she gets really turned on as well. After a while I start rubbing her pussy through her underwear and she is moaning, but when I try to go much further I notice that she doesn't want me to and I could probably push through that but this moment is so beautiful as it is and I really don't want to push her to do something she is not really comfortable with.

We talk a bit too. I give her Riker's Three rules (1: only have sex with a condom, 2: has to be something we both really want, 3: has to be something we'll look back on and feel great about it), cause it's something I totally believe in. We talk a bit about sex and she asks me how many women I've been with and I tell her the truth (ca 30) and she is a bit shocked. She keeps apologizing every so often and I slap her ass hard each time she does that and it really turns her on.

We lie in each other's arms for a bit longer and it is morning and she thinks she should leave. I take a shower and then make breakfast and she helps me making breakfast and there is this tender intimacy between us as if we were just spending the most exquisite day of our honeymoon. We listen to some music and eat breakfast and she tells me that she will never in her life forget this night and this morning with me. I smile and I pick her up and hug her tightly.

We finish eating and she doesn't want to go and I don't want her to go either. She asks me if she could come back to Berlin at some point and stay with me. I tell her I would very much like that and I mean it. My handcuffs are lying on the table - I had just used them the night before with another girl and we talk a bit more about sex and I slap her ass. She tells me that she knows normally women must sleep with me straight away but she doesn't want to be one of them. I tell her that I think it's great if a woman is so comfortable with her sexuality that she just goes for what she wants and that it would never make me think less of her as a person, but that we will have sex when we both want to.

I hug her and I tell her: "I'm totally happy not to fuck you now as long as I know I will fuck you one day cause that anticipation of fucking you is so awesome." She tells me she has been wanting to fuck me all the time, but she can't.

Then we leave and I go out with her too as I want to go to work and this would be the other way, but she wants me to come with her. So it's morning and we are holding hands walking to her subway stop. I give her a few Euros for the ticket and I offer her to lend her more if she promises me to pay me back, but she says she doesn't want my money. We are holding each other, waiting for the train and both of us are sad that we will part and I give her my phone number and we say maybe to meet up again before she is leaving. And then the train is here and we hug tightly and for the first time she kisses me on my mouth and she whispers into my ear: "I love you" and then she is gone.

______

I am in this raw and exhausted state the whole day. Worn out, physically and emotionally and I can't stop thinking about her. I think about it and I've only had this level of intimacy and connection with a woman two or three times before. I go to work, try to get some work done, but can hardly focus. K sends me a text saying he is upset about the night before, lack of communication, etc. I really hope HBCrackhead will call me. I'm supposed to meet another woman that night, but regardless of whether HBCrackhead calls I don't feel like seeing someone else, so I cancel.

After hours of getting nothing done I want to get my mind off this thing. So I go to a movie theater late afternoon and watch 'True Grit', which is really good. Then I go home, make dinner. I feel I'm slowly starting to feel normal again. She doesn't call. And then I fall asleep and the next morning it seems a bit like an unreal and distant memory.

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