Forewarning: This is a bit long but if you stick through it and give me advice, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Swimming Against the Current

The purpose

Why am I doing this? First, the obvious; I need to get my non-existent love life in order. Secondly, journaling my feelings, thoughts and experiences will not only make this more “real” but it will also allow me to receive feedback from individuals who are much more experienced than I am which in turn, will compel and motivate me to push forward in this journey we call life not to mention that I will improve in my game. I want to know what it feels like to love and be loved; to have that strong emotional connection with another female. Something I strongly desire and am confronted with everyday through society. I want to be very successful with women and finally conquer this area of my life. Success in one area of life usually translates to success in another. Do I want to meet my future wife? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Usually depends on my mood that day. I just want to have something with a woman.

To be completely honest, I am a bit hesitant to go to this extent because I don’t see many men go this route to just get with women; what makes me so different from them that I have to do this? But again, going to this extent will probably be the only way that I acknowledge and confront the fact that I have trouble with this area of my life. I cannot keep putting this problem off like I have in the past. It’s either now or end up living a lonely existence. It’s amazing how I can bare my soul with a group of people that I don’t know but I can’t really do that with the people in my life, except with my closest friends. They know that I’m still a virgin and they try to give me advice on women but they truly don’t know how it feels. They do not have approach/social anxiety and do not over think things like I do. I tend to over analyze too much and that usually prevents me from taking action. I become contempt to live my life in my head rather than actually take action. And the irony of it is that I feel I have so much potential to live an exceptional life. I realize that when I actually do take action, more often than not I am successful.

Sometimes I wonder: why do I have trouble with women or rather… why is it that I make almost no effort to talk to women or go after them? I think ONE of the answers might be: insecurity. Maybe subconsciously, I don’t think I’m good enough. Sometimes I question whether or not I possess the qualities that women want in a man. Maybe I’m too chubby? Maybe I’m not fun enough? There are a lot of times when I compare myself to another guy with a girl. “What does he have that I don’t?” This is not something I should be doing at all, as I already stated above but I do it anyway. It’s a habit I’m going to work on. I also struggle with shyness and confidence even though I feel like I shouldn’t. Confidence is not something I feel I should be struggling with because I don’t consider myself a loser and actually have things going on in my life, except women, haha. Shyness probably comes from my insecurities. My apologies if I’m rambling a lot but I am finding that writing all these thoughts/feelings and organizing all this clutter in my mind is actually comforting and therapeutic.

Who Am I?

I am a 22-year-old Graphic Designer from NYC, born and raised. I have already graduated college with a Bachelor’s. Graphic Design (obviously) and Mixed Martial Arts are both a big passion of mine. I live and breathe Graphic Design working a decent job in Downtown Manhattan. Not the most exciting job in the world since I’m just starting my career and am in an entry-level position but I know that to get to the top, you have to start from the bottom. As far as MMA is concerned, I have thought about actually pursuing it in the future but only time will tell; currently I am taking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu but am not attending classes as much as I would like to because of work. But with a lot of things in life, if you truly want to pursue something and succeed at it, you will sacrifice and work through it no matter what. So I know deep down inside, I am making up excuses. I am going to make an effort to attend practice more just like I’m going to make an effort to talk to women and succeed at this game.

Success and being the best at anything I do is EXTREMELY important to me and it is my number one priority. “Why is that?” I have asked myself that question recently. Probably because I am a bit competitive but most likely because I don’t want to live an average life. When my time on this Earth is done, I want to rest in peace knowing that I lived my life to the best of my ability and accomplished everything I set out to do. Maybe the day that I find a girlfriend and eventually start a family, if I ever, my priorities will change. Who knows? Only time will tell.

I don’t live the most exciting life or at least what I would imagine an exciting life to be (the guy from the Dos Equis commercials, haha). I work Monday through Fridays. I wake up early in the mornings before work to go to the gym, usually around 5 am. Then I’m at work from 9 am until 5 pm but I always end up staying until 7 pm or maybe even later, simply because I like to work hard and get things done. Which is awesome for my career because I am moving up quickly but it’s detrimental to my social life. I have become the “responsible” guy in my clique of friends, the one who has to go home early because he has work the next day. I don’t go out on the weekdays at all but there are exceptions. I mostly go out on the weekends, where my friends and I hit up bars and lounges. However, I have not really been in the mood as of late because I am so hung up on this one girl at work (which I will talk about later). Other girls don’t look appealing to me so I see no point in going out, getting drunk and trying to hook up with a girl. So I’ve been a party pooper lately but it also has something to do with the cold weather and the fact that it’s been snowing a lot lately. I’m pretty sure I’ll be in the mood during the summer. I also think that if I’m going to meet a girl that I find attractive (both physically and mentally), it will not be at a bar/club/lounge. So reflecting on my life at the moment on a weekly basis, when will I have the opportunity to meet them? This is something I need to look at if I’m going to spit game on women.

Experience

I can’t say that I lack complete experience with women. I’ve had about two girls interested in me. I only became intimate with one of them before I fucked up by becoming a wussy and an asshole when I got drunken one day. I’m not too hung-over about her because I later found out that she’s a bit promiscuous. It turned out that she had a boyfriend while her and I was talking. I know people have varying opinions about this but here is mine: I would not do that to another guy simply because I know I wouldn’t like it if it were done to me. It’s as simple as that. Now the other one…

We started talking and we hit it off immediately. I realized she liked me as much as I liked her. We constantly texted back and forth, flirting and talking. Unfortunately, I fucked this one up as well when we went out on the first and only date. Not only was I nervous because this was the first date with a woman I have ever been on but also I couldn’t find the right balance between being myself and the confident alpha-male that I knew was lurking inside of me. I would do too much negging, thinking I was being real smooth and suave. Instead, she took if offensively and it was awkward throughout the rest of the date. The fact that it was awkward made me extra cautious to the point that I was over thinking every minor detail, including conversation. I saw the attraction that she initially felt for me; dissipate before my very own eyes. It was very awkward and at the end, we were both kind of glad that it was over. I just wanted to get home and think about what had just happened. It’s just in my nature to be very analytical about things, including my interactions with other people. Sometimes, this gets in the way of just trying to enjoy the company of the people that I’m with. It’s become second nature to observe the subtle body language of others when I’m interacting with them. I think it’s safe to say that I live more in my head than I do in the real world. After this, I tried to get her to hang out at least one more time, determined to put the first date behind us and make a better impression. She declined both times I invited her, giving me excuses. Reflecting back on it now, I don’t blame her. She didn’t feel for me what she did at the beginning. She would tell me how she’s busy with schoolwork and whatnot. I’ve always felt that if a girl truly likes you, she will MAKE TIME to hang out. I knew I had to move on… but I was heartbroken.

She was a great girl. I feel that had I not been so nervous or awkward, something could have flourished between us. Normally, you would expect a guy to get over a mess like in a week, a month at the most. How long did it take me? Almost 7 months. Do I know the reason why? Not really. I assume it has something to do with getting deeply attached and not having much experience with women. Maybe I just really fell for this girl; I have never felt something like that before. Maybe it’s not that… maybe I would have fallen for any girl that would have returned my love and interest? Who knows? That’s the past now. With her, I was so close yet so far. The feeling that there was a beautiful and intelligent girl out there that liked me, even if it was just for a bit, is something that I wish to experience again. I can optimistically write: I know I will. The only difference this time will be that I’ll have the knowledge to appropriately handle the situation. After all… “Knowledge is power.”

If you read through all of this, thank you.