Appreciate it brothers!!

New one:

post755804.html#p755804

Probs could have gotten laid....But I dont give a shit

New one:

the-jackal-s-crew-field-reports-vt84799 ... ml#p756049

I would like to detract the overarching ill-sentiment towards females in the last post. I attribute the tonality of that part of the post to frustration with girls met on nights out. Met some very cool girls at Uni yesterday who I was really quite drawn to.

Apologies. We all get frustrated, because the truth is, we adore women.

Peace & Love,
R

23/03/13
Reflections and Quasi-psychoanalysis

I am in the process of writing an introspective essay. I intend to lay all the cards on the table in this essay. It is intended as a catharsis, purification. Consider butterflies entombed in the chrysalis and their cycle of life, clawing their way out of the fibrous womb into existence. I wish to outline why I did this, what my intentions were and indeed what they are now, and I wish to spell out what my plan for the future is.

I ask my readership to reserve all judgement of me and myself til after this essay. It will be posted in a few hours, as I've just started writing it.

Thank you for your time,
R

23/03/13

Reflections and Quasi-psychoanalysis

Intro

In this essay I intend to lay all the cards on the table. It is intended as a cathartic purification. Consider butterflies entombed in the chrysalis and their cycle of life, clawing their way out of the fibrous womb into existence. This essay explores three key themes, all pertaining to inward processes. My conclusion today will be that I now seek a meaningful relationship with a woman. I will draw this conclusion by firstly outlining why I did this pickup thing, secondly engaging with what my intentions were and indeed what they are now, and thirdly I wish to spell out what my plan for the future is. Underpinning my entire writing is a central thread: slow, evolutionary change.

Pretext

My mindset truly has undergone a morphogenesis. In a form of historical materialism, the inflections of day to day life, the nuances and the concrete sensory experiences unconsciously weave themselves into the very nucleus of the mind. They bend through the maelstrom of electrons and neural-pathways and eventually, through stoic labour, weld themselves into the galaxy of complexity that is the mind. To frame the first part of my essay, I wish to recant an experience which was very influential to me and occurred recently. The underlying theoretical construct of historical materialism is important for an understanding of my analysis and it serves to clarify and make distinct otherwise chaotic myopia.

I went to an amazing rave recently and had a great time. I love going to this particular rave. I really like the scene, the guys who go there are cool as hell, the girls who go there are cool as hell, the music is awesome, and the venue itself is pretty much intense haha. The event culminates in a taxi home at around half 6 in the morning. Met a cool dude in the taxi and saw him on campus a few days later, he was funny as hell and he’s going to some of the gigs I’m at later this month which is pretty sweet. I’m really happy with how fun this night was in terms of music and meeting cool people. Satisfied, I go home and nestle down for a few hours. I was intoxicated, so I anticipate a comedown. Precautionary measures were taken which curtailed a violent comedown, so I actually had a happy weekend. Was able to read a lot of dense, esoteric, terse theory. It was of very little use to the essay I was crafting lol, but certainly fulfilled me for that weekend. But anyway, this brings us onto the case in point: comedown hell.

The Monday which followed the rave on Friday posited a very intense experience for me. This was the worst comedown I have ever had. I was so depressed I was on the verge of tears! Quite unbelievable in retrospect, but the chemical congruency of my brain had been totally undermined. The process of reaching equilibrium in all matters of the mind are often characterised by trauma for the individual. I have a lot of inner strength and I am at a good place in my life, trying to make a good career happen and am surrounded by wonderful people. BUT, there is still that niggling question mark over the sphere of my life which pertains to meaningful relationships with other human beings on a deep, intimate level. This comedown brought this to the fore. Never before has the realisation of the need to solve this puzzle been so howling and lacerating. I know I can do this, I have succeeded time and time again in my life despite the odds, but this is a tricky one for me. The reason it’s tricky for me will be explored in the next section of this essay. To now continue the pretext, having outlined my depressed, comedown-inspired state at the time of Enlightenment, the reader will now appreciate how I was able to reach Nirvana.

After a weekend of reading and incubation, Monday saw a return to University life and it could not have come sooner. The longing to be around people in the state I was in was very extreme. Felt pretty crap in my house, so just hung out at Uni all day. I love my SPAM, I do not wish for them to ever change, but given they are not really into some of the things I do, they could not provide comfort to me in the state I was in. My other friends I go out with, however, are and the fact that they sent me supportive texts that day when I made clear I felt a bit crap meant SO much to me it was unreal. How good it felt triggered something in me. It triggered the fulfilment supportive relations bring. So, then, I walked to Uni and am stopped by a homeless fellow. He tells me he’s really struggling and just needs some change. Genuine desperation is in his voice, his physiology and body language is suggestive of weakness. From having had to examine psychology and understand people, I can establish one fact: he needs help. I immediately open my wallet, but I only have the odd bit of change. He looks disheartened, but I tell him I will take him to a cashpoint and help him out today. He is highly thankful and vocally tells me this. I tell him not to mention it, and that I WANT to help him out. I comfort him by putting my hand on his shoulder and telling him I am happy to help him. His entire being changes. His desperation begins to ebb away, his humanity flourishes. It is times like this a person’s story is visible. He is a man like everyone else. He speaks well, his constitution is no different from anyone else, he is a nice human being who has slipped through the cracks of society. I don’t care to judge him, I don’t want to know his story, I don’t want to know why he’s on the streets and I don’t want to lecture him on how to get himself back on the straight and narrow. It’s cold outside and he’s helpless, I just want to show him someone cares about him. I take out £40 from the cashpoint, tell him it’s his money and he can do whatever he wants with it. I tell him to have a beautiful day, and there is a moment which will stay with me for the rest of my life.

As I gave him the money, it wasn’t that he stuffed it in his pocket and went about his day. He held it in front of him as I walked off and bid him farewell. He held it in two hands and raised it towards him. He held it against his heart, and tears were in his eyes as I told him I cared and just wanted him to keep surviving day by day. This homeless gentleman demonstrated to me the beauty of human union like nothing else ever has. It was a really genuine interaction. I am not some sort of charitable saint, but I have always had a lot of feelings for the homeless. It hurts me that they’re in the position that they are. I do actually regularly give to big issue sellers and if I do see a homeless person, if I don’t have change I will always tell them to have a beautiful day and keep going. If I can spend money to go on nights out and meet people I can bloody well help people out who have problems a hell of a lot more substantial than mine….

What is important to take from the above is one thing: the physical and psychological effects of human union. Why it was so emotionally evocative for the homeless gentlemen is because I truly wanted him to be happy for that particular moment in time. I did not want anything from him, I just wanted to give. It was totally selfless. This is what you do for the people you love. This is what characterises a deeply entrenched union between the imperceptible parts of human beings. I had a fucking awful comedown that day, and while I am a strong man and don’t NEED a damn thing to succeed in this world, what became really crystalline was the fact that had someone been around that day who I actually had a deep bond with, it would have brought a lot of comfort. Under the stress of assessed work and exams, it is a big ask for a man to be expected to go about the balancing academic life with career pursuits and all sorts of extra-curricular activities unsupported. It would have been nice to have had someone significant to tell me I’ll be OK. This is the first time I’ve admitted this. I fucking hate having to admit this. I am a strong person and I can do whatever needs doing quite ably, but shit, the thought of going corporate life like this is a bit harrowing! The incessant hard work, the perpetual exuding confidence, the undying desire to perform at your best…From guys who’ve been there a while, it is my understand that it’s tough. I feel like a damn child having to admit that, and now it’s been said once, I won’t say it again, but yeah, there you have it. The fact that a friend who I consider a brother to me has recently got himself a beautiful girlfriend does not help either. My friend is a cool fucking guy so I’m pleased, but it is through him I’ve been doing a lot of the things in clubs I’ve been doing. Now he’s stopped, it’ll be tough going forward. I was at the club when he met his girlfriend too, I remember he just danced with her and spent a while with her, and the next week they’re dating. I thought that was really awesome and is such an illustration of the amazing people they both are. Had a proper third wheel moment when I was round his house that Monday, we were sitting on a three person sofa, all rather intoxicated, and as the doors of perception began to erode my contemplative mind did begin to construct a biting sense of personal dissatisfaction, but this was most likely due to lack of serotonin induced by the comedown. I do not otherwise feel like that.

All of this pretext has served to make lucid one fact: I don’t want to be doing pick up all my life. I will put this aside for a meaningful relationship. Whilst it goes without saying that I must respect the knowledge gleaned from exposure to the Venusian arts my entire life, as they will be invaluable to my career, and it also goes without saying that I must be loyal to Jackal always and keep going out with him – I must confess that if I ever had a girlfriend, I will not be closing or whatever it is you want to do. I would love not having to go out three times a week and be able to focus on my academic and career life. Thankfully I am reasonably intelligent and hence have been able to burn the candle at both ends, however, the thought of having to do this all of 3rd year which is worth 75% of my degree is quite a daunting prospect.

Motivations and Causality

This pretext and the conclusion of the discourse leads us to extract further. We are now poised to discuss causality. My position is indicative of one that is a deviation from the norm. Statistically speaking, not many men are virgins at 21. Moreover, not many have only kissed 2 girls. The fact that both of mine were just last month further obfuscates matters. Now, you are quite at liberty to ask the question which is on your lips – why are you a virgin? Does nobody want to have sex with you?

The answer must engage with each of these immediate threads, and as such, function on two levels. To address the first (and gravitate towards the second), I quite simply do not know. I suppose the first 16 years of my existence were just normal, sport, lots of friends, lots of fun, just didn’t pay it any mind. In sixth form it was evident that there were a number of women who wanted to fuck me, but I did not oblige as I was often far too drunk. I stopped getting drunk this year, and this was brought about primarily by being so unbelievable intoxicated at a house party that I had to ignore a lovely girl who took the time to speak to me. The reason I had to ignore her was because I was so drunk and high I was feeling very anxious, paranoid and panicky, like I thought everyone could tell I was high and were taking the piss haha! God, what a state. I went home 5 minutes after because I felt so bad for being rude to her and I have never gotten drunk again. Indeed, I don’t even get high regularly. I smoke maybe a few days in every 2-3 weeks. Just to transcend writers block and get my creativity going again really. First time in my life I was rude to someone and it actually crucified me. But to get off that tangent for a second, it is needless to say I thought sexy would just happen. As such, I continued studying and hanging out with my friends and being generally happy. At University, things were a bit different by appeal to the fact that I had become rather doughey and unattractive first year. Looking like that, getting laid just wasn’t going to happen. First year of Uni was a complete and utter write off in that front, however, I was able to get ridiculously drunk and still score a decent 2:I. I do tend to play hard and then work harder. Anyway, lost all the excess padding over the summer to now be in recent shape. Im 2nd year and am now not absolutely grotesquely unattractive, and again, it is evident that there is some female interest. Thus, it is the case that I now operate from a newly cleaned state. While it may be the case that this has come at 21, it is not really a problem because the person I was is not comparable to who I am now. The 20 years before really don’t count that much, because I wasn’t fussed – remember I have a good life and great friends so I was just happy doing all of that! Think of it as an Ugly Duckling kind of scenario. I wasn’t the hottest of guys, so how I have been socialised is not to think of myself as anything special. In the context of my current life, however, this poses a confusing dichotomy. Weird stuff, but whatever. To expand on the second bone of contention, it is not the case that women do not want to have sex with me. I have been outright asked for sex numerous times, but there were mainly older women and gay men. I’m straight so the latters out. While utterly wired similar things have happened at raves with girls of my age, but they’ve been from my classes and stuff, so it would have been a bit awkward for me to oblige. I am absolutely not desperate or needy – remember when I said, I don’t NEED anything. As long as I’ve got myself, I’ll be OK. So yeah, there you have it. It’s nothing particularly striking. I’m not really a run of the mill individual, I was given some things by the miracle of evolutionary biology which I am very appreciative of and they function as a gift and a huge curse.

So, why don’t you just go get laid then?

Yeah…not as simple as that, is it? In fact, I’ve spent the last 4 months trying to do something about it. I have made a lot of progress, but given that I’m like 21 and pretty much developing into a decent quality man, I do feel as if I don’t want to give it to just anyone. I would prefer it the person actually valued me as an individual. Beggars can’t be choosers of course hahah! But no seriously, given the above rationale for why I am a virgin, let us pose a scenario in which I will be able to outline the logic of why I tried pickup.

Say you have a brother who is a really nice, lovely person. You care a lot for your brother and you want him to be happy. Lets say your brother is valued by all those around him and is considered a cool guy, has a plethora of interests, is reasonably intelligent, reasonably good looking, and treats all human beings with respect, love and dignity. To add to this mix, your brother is a virgin.

Now, you are to give brotherly advice. Do you tell your brother to just wait, stop being so hung up about it and just let it happen? Or do you tell him to be proactive and actually make it happen himself?

Please contemplate this for a minute or two before considering the rest of the essay.

Now two minutes are over, disengage with that scenario and just try to follow me and myself.
To engage with option one, the numerical input into this formula does not produce a figure worth considering. If I’d had a girlfriend or two, or like a ridiculously drunken encounter or something, I’d have not bothered reading a book called The Game and trying to develop myself within this sphere. I’d just be chill and continue working on my degree, living my life etc. The fact is I’m 21 and yeah, not going to be around forever. People age. In terms of just wait and let it happen…..How long for? 1 year? 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? 20 years? Or how about, 21? Will that solve the problem? This logic is so grey, so nebulous that it actually rends my heart-strings that the popular unconscious forwards it. To tell me to just wait and ride it out is so egregious it astounds me. Think of the implications, such an individual will be so romantically under-developed that any relation they had would be facile on the basis of a training-wheel effect. It’s only through dissolution of the training wheels that the individual can explore truly and meaningfully. Now onto the second option, the proactive approach. This is what I have done. I have become a good conversationalist, I have become highly confident, I’ve become more outwardly attractive. I have more friends, more women in my life, and no nerves whatsoever talking to anyone. I have asked girls out, I have kissed girls, I’m more open, I’m more free, and I’m happier. I believe all along I have had the foundations of success within me, they just needed to be brought out. I do not wish to be a player. I do not wish to sleep with every woman under the sun. I just want to have a degree of normalcy in my life, then, I will continue with my affairs and not bother anyone else.

My intentions are very good ones. I just want to sort myself out and then I will not bother anyone else.
I want to make all of this clear, because in the unlikely event that anyone ever connected the dots to such that they identified me, I could simply leave it to their own fair-mindedness to accept what I have had to do. If I am able to get through University without this coming to light, I would consider it a great blessing. Why? Because to have a man at his jugular, at his most exposed and his most vulnerable, and to let him slide is one of the most beautiful things a person can do to recognise the innate humanity of another sentient being. It is akin to the thumbs up given to the slain gladiator, to say that despite his battering, he may live. If someone wants to do me like that, then remember, I’ve never hurt another person in my life. If I was on my last £10 and you needed it more than me, I would let you have it. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who knows me. 110% guarantee they will say the same thing to the letter. I’m actually a normal guy.

Having written quite extensive on this website, it has allowed me to truly begin to open up. Having confided in Jackal, who at my time of meeting him was the only person who knew I was a virgin, further allowed me to open up. If I ever was in a relationship, I would point that person to this site. I would allow them to read everything and make their own mind up. If they’re like freaked out, then that’s cool and I accept that. Notwithstanding, I would have to make everything clear. I am an honest man and I don’t mind. The truth is, I still feel quite dirty for being a virgin. I do feel quite embarrassed. But upon logically examination, it’s actuallty quite understandable why I am a virgin. I didn’t care for a very, very long time, and now I do. If that’s a crime, then lock me up, but to my mind, I think it’s acceptable. Internally, I accept it, I’m happy in my life, I’m so blessed for what I’ve got in terms of the people around me and the richness of the life I live. But…..it’s just the outward connotation. If people knew I was a virgin, then the dynamics of how they perceive me would radically alter. My interests wouldn’t matter anymore, my mind wouldn’t matter anymore, and my psychical constitution wouldn’t matter. It would all be culled by an over-arching equidistance. A grey, nebulous gulf would open up between myself and women and it’d be a fair bit harder.

Notwithstanding, I don’t give a fuck. I love women. Like, a lot. What do you want me to do, give up? Not happening. This isn’t something that takes that much of my time up. This isn’t something I think about all the time. I do bits here and there, and get on with my life like everyone else. It’s really as simple as just being proactive. If you’re proactive about being signed as a Musician, for instance, you do your thing and gig here and there etc, indeed, it appears as if you’re just getting on with your life. But on the inside, somewhere in your brain, you’re measuring things up and making the interconnections. That’s kinda the same internal logic in this scenario.

I just wanted to make all of this clear as to not be perceived as weird. I am a normal dude.

Of course, this has some rather sombre, melancholy implications. Anyone living in a Western society is hard-wired with a conception of love being an organic, dialectical process. People speak of an ‘other half’ which exists out there in the Universe and it is your task to find. Through a sort of dialectic, the thesis of the man meets the antithesis of woman, and they merge on a deeper level producing a synthesis of bonding. I mean, that’s some Dead Poets Society shit, and anyone who lives in the real world perhaps grasps the futility of such a rose-tinted and myopic conception of romantic relations. Nonetheless, by my having to embark on this process, I have contrastingly engaged with a stark, cold, brutal and engineered approach to romantic relations. Rather than blooming organically like a flower, I have had to rigorously engineer it. I have had to apply theory and perform analysis. I won’t even lie…it’s still a bit weird for me to write it like that….but it is what it is. Why has it been like this? I don’t know. It’s not a question I am concerned about. In the grand scheme of things, it won’t matter. I’m just going to get on with it, and when it’s done, not worry about it any more.

My Plans for the Future

I don’t want to be any sort of player. I’m just going to embark on forging meaningful relations. This will be at the back of my mind. I’m not going to jump on any woman that moves. I don’t really need that…at this stage, it would be quite tragic to just give myself up to someone who doesn’t appreciate me. I’m just altering my mind set to allow for the ability to select a good woman when one comes along. Don’t care how long it takes. In fact, I don’t care in the slightest. I am also going to keep it real and admit that even in a relationship, I cannot see myself getting massively attached. I would support the person and value them, but I’ve got an opportunity right now to put myself in a position to earn well in the future. I’m not living an average life – fuck that. I am not the needy and attached sort. I went 20 years not even thinking about that, and I am from a very liberal, open-minded upbringing which supports whatever the flying fuck I want to do. My motivations are more to give to others than take for myself. The proceeding postings within this thread will be in appreciation of this fact that it is my plan in future to consider relationships. I am not any sort of player and don’t want to be one. I’m just a normal man like everyone else. I have made up my mind. If you do not like it, I respect that. You’re not going to deter me now though. Sorry.

Thanks.

R

Chilled night last night. Was at a venue I really like & I genuinely wanted to hang out. Just wanted to be out of the house.

Some cool stuff happened. Interestingly, I got approached by a group of girls who somehow knew my name lol....then later on the same thing happened again with a different group! They were actually really cool on both accounts, so that was nice.

I did not really bother doing anything last night. Couldn't be arsed. Though there were some cool girls there, I just truly was not that bothered, I was just happy to be out as that is something I love! I think having an extremely lax attitude to sex and relationships is most likely why I've not lost it haha. I'm not a whore any way and given that I was sober, it doesn't concern me. I'm actually not that hugely concerned altogether right now, learning the PUA thing was inspired more by pragmatism than a genuine gravity towards it.

As is usually the case, girls were too intimidated to do anything other than turn to stone. I don't really understand because there were absolutely loads of guys in there better looking than me and they didn't seem to have the same effect, so I guess it really is my fault. The onus is on me to make them comfortable. I suppose I should sit back and think about how to get around this before I'm culled from the gene pool.

In avenues where I can talk, i.e bars, I'm good. In clubs, whole different story, but this is the only place at night where I can meet people my age. The reason I've turned down offers for sex in bars so many times is because they're always like 10 years older than me...!

Whatever. Fuck it. At least I'm feeling happy though.

I have been half-assing it for ages now. Jackal called me in my time of need yesterday and was really there for me. He came through for me and actually helped me out when I was in a bad state. T-Bear's phone call also meant so fucking much. What I'm going through right now, I do feel naked and exposed. However, this was the greatest fear when starting this. Now it's basically happened, and I'm still alive, I am going to just become stronger from it.

.....At another angle, it also prompts me to begin taking pickup a lot more seriously. It is becoming hugely obvious that for me, unless I exert a fucking ridiculous amount of effort, it's just not taking off. I'm fine with that though. I would personally rather be me than an average joe.

Peace,
R

Today I'm actually having a productive day, done lots of reading and listening to debates concerning my dissertation for next year, so that's good. Last night was so fucking cool, I just loved the music. SO GOOD. The entire house scene has grown on me. Was on my own, just spontaneously went out in the spur of the moment, put on clothes rang the taxi and went. I just wanted to chill that night as I was feeling really shit in the day. Never a problem for me being on my own, I find if you're a decent bloke other guys just look after you. I always do for other guys, make sure they have a decent night...especially if they're fucked haha always a fun thing! Guys in there were sound as hell. I find this helps me de-stress and feel more studious.

I also did something new.

I told a good friend of mine back home about what I've been doing and his advice. To be honest, he sounded disgusted. He said he thought I'd just get sucked in and become promiscuous for the rest of my life. I did reassure him though that as everyone knows, once I have lost my virginity, I am going to give this up completely. I am using this simply as a vehicle to lose it. Once it is gone, I wish to continue with my life. It is simply not practically viable for me, as I will be doing very, very demanding post-grad. OH MAN IT MAKES ME WANNA CRY. Anyway, I now just have just my 3rd year to lose it. I'm the man for this job It is exciting in many ways, having not bothered before, now I am trying it does add another dimension to your life. Like even considering whether other people are sexually active. I've never thought of that stuff before...Like I mentioned before, pretty good upbringing and lots of rich, sensory life experiences travelling etc. Just never had time, but now it's like opening up a new world.

Anyway, my friend. He accepted what I told him after a while and his tone really changed when I told him I was a virgin. He couldn't believe it lol...Made me laugh, imagine if everyone knew each others secrets?

But anyway, on the phone to my friend, I never called myself a pick up artist. I'm not. I'm just a guy who hangs around with pick up artists. Hence, it has become very apparent that when they're not there, I turn to shit hahah. I don't care anyway. I've always been confident and I just love people so speaking to anyone, guy or girl, is something I find just makes me happy. Just being out listening to good music makes me happy.

Feeling good today. Bit high right now, and got a shitload of stuff to read, but I'm feeling good. Going home tomorrow and just chilling over Easter now. Just gonna do my work and see as much of my friends as I can. If I meet any cool girls I will update but remember it'll be taking them on dates etc, not that...well unless I should be so lucky.

Alrght thats all for now, peace and love! Have a good Sunday.
R

25/03/13
A Exposition on Method

This post is prompted by the fact that I will need to spent time in public this week, and in light of perpetual staring, the germ of suspicion has been planted in my mind. I am quite uncertain as to what is going on, and as a result, quite concerned. This has come to a head recently and whilst I am a confident man, it did cause a degree of anxiety. Hence, I wish to clarify deeper and begin to untangle the method which I employed. It is my contention that having explained the method which I was essentially made to adopt under duress, not only will my intentions be clear and prove that I have always had good intentions, but it will provide context to every piece of discourse in what I have posted and make evident I never wanted to become a pick up artist.

After you have read this post, you will see that everything I ever did when I ventured on this path was tied together by a central, golden thread – I just wanted a girlfriend.
To begin, I will outline the method I adopted, and from this locus I will extrapolate the implications of this method. Specifically, my methods usage and the subsequent inflections on discourse posted on this site.
The book I read when I needed to figure out what to do was called the Mystery Method. This Enlightenment knowledge was bestowed upon me by a naïve Google search. Never had I ever concerned myself with such matters in my life. I was actually looking for advice from other students to be quite honest. Advice gleaned pertained to membership of societies and similarly wishful manifestations of escapism. I did join Debating and Judo and what have you. It goes without saying that I did all of what I read on the student website, but to no avail. Was it a spark you are supposed to feel? Is it really something that just takes place through mutual chemical compatibility? I had no idea. I waited a University term. I have no sense of entitlement, I do not deserve anything, I am lucky to be a healthy, able bodied person and I am thankful for that. But nonetheless, my rationale for this pursuits is, I contend, acceptable in light of the full context. This will be engaged with later in this post.

To continue with events in chronology, I had exhausted all pathways. I have always been confident and go out a lot, I just like music I suppose. I just like talking to people, anyone, man or woman. It just makes me feel good for some reason. So, given that it was now the Christmas Holidays after a barren first term of 2nd year, and I was in very mundane employment consisting of a lot of hours doing manual work, and a lot of time spent, often til the small hours, working hard on crafting essays for the proceeding term to allow me to give my energies to career pursuits, it was here when the seed of frustration began to bloom. As a point of information, frustration is a real shitty mental condition; it is what has prompted me to sometimes write negative things about women in this log. I am deeply regretful for having sunk to that, however, I ask anyone to be in my position and be as clear of mind as to not occasionally break from rational thinking. Truthfully, like every other man, I love women. I can’t really be helped for being a bit pissed when their presence is elusive. Schools and hospitals have been built in Amsterdam solely from this avenue lol. So anyway, it was during the stress of this Xmas period that the heavenly ecstasies had finally been drenched in the icy waters of frustration. I actually had no fucking clue what was going on. I simply could not understand why the slow-burning evolutionary process had not begun to form nexus in my life. I began to take an objective look at my life. The reason why nothing had happened had become so crystalline, so apparent; it draws parallels with the Newtonian apple which sparked the cry of Eureka.

I went 20 fucking years living a wonderful life provided very kindly for me by very caring parents. I am sorry if this sounds arrogant but I am a very humble man and have NEVER, EVER spoke about it. I have had to now…so yeah. Can you blame me for not actively trying to get my dick wet? I had much better things to do. Sorry again, but this is the reality of the situation. I truly went 20 years very content and happy, to such that I was OK just doing what I was doing. I am appreciative of this and always give back to others whenever I can. Even if it’s just telling someone to have a nice day. I feel as if I am lucky and it does kind of get to me that some in society have not been afforded the opportunity to realise their potential. But yeah, if you don’t try, believe me, you don’t fucking get lol.

As I convulsed to caffeine laden, mind-bending quasi-departure from reality, I did indeed reach out to begin to explore and enrich myself with other experiences in life. I suppose the brutal capitalist manual labour did ignite a fire within me to transcend the banality of modern life and live the existence of the bon vivant. The beautiful life. It was here that I acquiesced to the demands of one particular poster and took a step into what I saw as a very sleazy, very nefarious world of pick up. I had huge apprehensions about doing this, my granddad’s generation used to take their hats off when a woman walked into the room, now I had to keep company with men who see it as their raison d'être to go around bedding women. I recall this posters demands very lucidly. He was a very, very cool guy. He actually reached out to me, understood my position, felt what I’d gone through, and offered a way out which he promised will improve me. Like I said before, I’m happy, but I wanted to make things even better. What really struck a chord was the fact that the poster actually practically begged me not to give up. I was considering celibacy lol….Seriously, you’ll be surprised. John Frusciante did it haha. But the fact that this random dude who I don’t even know actually wanted me to succeed meant so much that it allowed me to overcome the inertia and swallow the bitter pill by appeal to pragmatism.

Why was it pragmatic that I read about pick up? It is simply not intelligent for me to embark on the journey of life I have chosen as a singular entity. I had done everything else, what do you want me to do, roll over and accept my fate? You need to realise that that’s a big ask from even the strongest man. Anyway, due to stress factors, I just gave in and did the pick up thing. For instance, my SPAM who is close to me and I often confide in for career related matters has told me his dad who is a partner in a major Law firm says he will not make it to 60. The corporate life is hard. I am a strong man and I am not a person who needs anything in particular, but, my argument is that it is simply not wise to take a tougher route when a path which will be more comfortable for me is viable. From a purely objective, analytical perspective, it is clear that the usage of pick up will allow me to effectively find a girlfriend. It would give me the tools which I lacked, and sharped up what I already had, and I could be done with this crap forever. Once it’s done, the thought of the relief…It’s like the sheer perfect relief the soldier on the battle ground faces when his foe has shot at him and had the misfortune of missing. The thought of the intoxicating glee of having got it all over with and being able to focus 100% on my career was enough to make me embark on this and deal with the heavy burden it placed on my conscience. I like to lead by example and I felt as if I have sullied myself for doing this, but I believe that if it would allow me to meet someone and I actually showed them the entirety of this journey, it would be OK. I believe that if a person has good intentions at their foundation, then the means used can at times be justified. The Dr. cares for his patient, but at times he must administer a sharp needle. The drug is necessary for the patient to live like he wants to live.

I just wanted one person there for when it gets tough. It’s OK if it takes long, I don’t mind. I just wanted to work on it slowly over time and get there in my own time.

The book was purchased from Amazon and it came in a sleek brown envelope. I ran to the door that day to ensure no one in my flat would find out. I did it secretly but I wanted to tell them once I’d found a girlfriend. I have since told one of my SPAM the entire story and I truly feel less dirty now. He did not mind as he has known me since first year and knows I would never compromise my moral backbone for the gratification of pick up. As is evident to the fair-minded reader, in all I ever did in pick up pertained to the sphere of meaningful contact. All the numbers I got, which I was forced to get and will explain more momentarily, I texted to ask for a coffee. I have full proof of this. I also have evidence from SPAM in as much as I asked for advice on what to do on dates etc.

So, Mystery Method is now in my house. I do not even want to put the book on the shelf with the rest of my stuff, so I stuff it in the bottom drawer. I don’t even like looking at it. It says some crude bullshit on there about sleeping with beautiful women and a load of nonsense testimonials. I feel as if the nature of the book from how it is framed is really outside of my personalities congruency. It’s just not me. But, I have said I will try this, and I am able to swallow a bitter pill.

Now, in this next section, I will outline the theoretical scope of the book which will explain all of the discourse written. It will explain why I had to write what I had to. It will explain why I had to sound so dirty.

The book says, what is wrong with me is my mind set.

The book recants this through the prism of a theory called Social Value. Social Value, the book says, is the very defining, the very core spirit of the evolutionary process. Social Value is what the leader of the pack has. It is what has allowed our species to get to where it has, through the maelstrom of our planets history. In brief, Social Value is a two-way street. One part of it pertains to how you see yourself (inner-game), and the other part, how others see you (outer-game). My inner game, says Mystery Method, is not conducive with the doctrine of Social Value. The book says, I must change my mind set to appear as if I have high Social Value in my inner game. Therefore, the book says I must begin to normalise things a high Social Value man does. It tells me I must fake it til I make it.

I am very apprehensive. This sounds so fucking superficial. But, it illustrates the theory very poetically. I will not even lie, the book is convincing. The argument proffered by the author states that even if I do not want to be a player, I should just learn how to put the best part of myself forward. It was when I read this that I began to accept it. He says something along the lines of be yourself, but just be your BEST self. I can provide a youtube video which evidences this.

In fact, let me provide all the evidence for these theories so you can understand the significance:

(I) SOCIAL VALUE: http://www.seductionbase.com/seduction/ ... c/198.html
(ii) INNER GAME: http://www.seductionbase.com/seduction/ ... r/721.html

Thus, to be a high status male who can attract a mate, the science suggests I must act as if I have high social status and inner game. This meant I had to make it appear as if asking for girls numbers and randomly talking to them was normal for me. Had I explicitly stated how weird I felt doing it, then the mind set shift the book says is supposed to happen will not happen to me. It will not work. I had bought the book by now, so I just followed what it said. I had to write these field reports and I had to say stuff like business as usual etc and it was all to cultivate inner game.

What is the significance of this to your argument?

Now we have engaged with why the discourse posted is so incriminated, let us examine this in light of my perceived intentions. From reading the field reports, it would appear as if I was trying to arbitrarily bed women. However, a deeper analysis reveals the contradictory nature of this statement.

All of what they taught me was used to ask girls out on dates. Look at the field reports which were done in the day when Jackal made me get girls numbers. I texted every one of them, which I have complete evidence for, and I just asked to meet for a coffee or something. I still text most of them just to see how they’re getting along. I do not want to fuck any of them to be quite honest. They were not from my Uni and didn’t really share similar interests. I am a nice person and just float around their lives but it’s just as a friend.

This takes us onto second case study. As soon as I was comfortable asking girls out and didn’t feel like it was weird, the first thing I did with that was ask a girl I really liked out.

She said no, but she said it in such a lovely way I actually felt good about myself. I am really glad I had the ability to tell her I thought she was beautiful. As you can see for yourself when you read that post, just the fact that I told her how I felt made my day. I did not want anything more from given that she wasn’t into me. I was satisfied with that.

She did appreciate it too.

It looks very bad that I was asking random girls for their numbers, but I had to do this because I had to break the barriers which were stopping me. In truth, I think I could have just asked a girl I liked anyway. It’s not that big a deal.

After that, well, I’ve crushed on a few other girls here and there but it’s come at a time in the academic term where I’ve had to do a lot of essays. Hence, I have not been asking ANYONE for their number. I have not asked ANYONE for sex, ever. I believe all of this demonstrates the genuineness of my intentions, which have always been good. And always will be.

To deal with a further implication which immediately stems from the above: Why the hell did you seek out pick up artists? Why did you have to go out with them, when you could have just done it on your own? If your such an angelic person, why did you allow yourself to become polluted?

My path became increasingly complex. This was due to a number of factors. My SPAM all got girlfriends. They stopped going out. Even my SPAM who’s single stopped going out altogether for some reason or other, and I respect that, but we began to drift apart after this. I was now in a position where I had to find new people to go out with. I had to go out to get better with women and cultivate Social Value. The book said I needed to go out a few times a week to build comfort and congruency in all these environments. It was here that I got sucked in really. I did not really want to, but it sort of happened. My moral backbone did not allow me to ever do something I saw as wrong, and to this day I’ve never done anything seedy or perverse, which has allowed me to retain my self respect, but notwithstanding, I did make the decision to find other guys to go out with and it was here that I went to this website.

I went on the website to build some connections which I intended to severe once I had achieved my goals. I only ever contacted one person, Jackal, and I just stuck with him. If I was such a pick up artist, then why did I not accept anyone elses invitations? I did not want to go into this any deeper than I had to. Read for yourself, I have said no to everyone who asked me to come out with them.

I am writing this now to outline the incontrovertible truth. I must write this now, as in light of the starring, I am growing suspicious of what is going on. I am quite confused right now and generally in a bad place, but I just want to make sure that if anyone ever did find out, then they would know that the central thread of this was a relationship. It is also my belief that given that all the discourse I wrote is directly extrapolated from theory which I was forced to apply, it will be clear that I was trying to manifest the mind set shift which would allow me to get a girlfriend. I only ever did that pick up stuff when Jackal et al were there and forcing me to do it. I never did it by myself. Look at the nights when I was in Snobs, I refused to go any further with that girl….Guess I do have a barrier there, but I believe that anyone who reads that will know I am not a pick up artist. I am just a normal man.

I do not really mind if anyone judges me. Just as long as they know I had to do this. I am now done. I have given up the ghost. I will find a girlfriend somehow, but it aint gonna be like this.

I’m done. I don’t want this in my life. All the stuff is deleted from my computer, the book is gone, the contacts are deleted. I just want to get on with my life now and forget about all of this.

Peace and love.

Thanks for being there for me.

Good bye.

R

Wow I actually read all of those posts...

You are an interesting man and have raised some curious points, have you gone for good or would you reply to this message?

_________________
"Once you learn to feel the fear and do it anyway, the outcomes will come."- 60yoc

My journal of adventures and escalation: time-to-go-for-the-kills-escalation-blo ... highlight=

Ah dude , i've read all this. It's awesome you've come to a realisation that you just want a girlfriend not this whole pickup thing. How are you planning to go about this though if you feel guilty number closing? How do you plan to get your girlfriend? It would be realistically unlikely you'll keep your first girlfriend anyways , what then?

I have just been through a bad time this week.

I am living the life I want to live. I am dating the women I want to date. I'm travelling to the countries I want to travel to. I am wearing the clothes I want to wear. I am doing everything on my own terms.

If you're reading this enlightened by my exposal, well it's nice to meet you.

You haven't got the balls to do what I do, and you will never live the life I'm going to live.

You don't matter.

I am going to get a beautiful honey, live in a huge house, boss it in an amazing job, have gorgeous kids, just totally kill it in life.

I am employing any means unnecessary.

I am now detached from outward perceptions of everyone and anyone. If you want to laugh at me or stare at me in the street, then expect me to come right up to your face and expect to justify yourself. You can't justify yourself, then just behave. I am a very confident man. Just be mindful of that fact

YES I AM A VIRGIN.

I am now not afraid to admit this. You want to giggle about it? Prepare to be asked how many girls or guys you've slept with. It's only fair isn't it?

If you want to criticize me for how I choose to live my life, then be aware that I care. You are too little a creature, your world is too small and boring. You feel helpless in contorting your reality. In males this is often manifest in sexual jealousy (i.e, the fear I will get good), and in females, it triggers the innate calibration against the promiscuous male appealing to their genetic inclination towards seeking protection. Hence, in a modern post-industrial world, it is the case that individuals embodying a deviation from the norm, gravitating towards inner-tranquility and the essence of cool - interesting people who add color to the otherwise grey world - may be chastised for their stubbornness against the values of mass society.

Be average if you want. I want to live a beautiful, amazing life, and I am going to do it real big. If I don't get in the way of your enjoyment of the boredom of the mundane grind, respect that and reciprocate.

I don't care about people who judge me any more.

Through your lack of humanity during this difficult time in my life, you have given me inner strength. I was strong before, now I'm fucking titanium plated. Just wait til you see me.

I now have NOTHING left to lose.

I am not posting on this thread any more. But I want everyone to know that I am fucking going to succeed. I will update you when I've done my business.

Don't worry about me. Worry about the fools that judge me, as it's them who have to deal with me. I love you all for your support. I've got your back.

This moment on, there are no barriers in my life. Please take your hardest hit at me, for you will make me a diamond plated mother fucker. I now look at the person who exposed me to the student body with a calm acceptance. You are the one who made me go to the next level buddy. Before there was a chance I would not be on top of the world, now I may be in a fucking yacht in the next 10 years. Cheers for that boss!

When you did what you did, you broke all barriers I had in my life. You let everyone know my deepest, darkest secret. You exposed me, you made me feel naked, and it was the best thing anyone ever did for me. You have been the biggest blessing of my life.

I have NO barriers any more. You don't understand how I feel now. I feel like I can walk in the street ass naked and just talk to anyone. I literally do not give a fuck any more. I will do anything. I have no fear any more.

Te walls of self-interest and outward perceptions have crumbled under the juggernaut of callous, harsh insensitivity. It has purged and cleansed me of all fear. The heavenly ecstasies were drowned in icy water, and I am re-born. I have been forced to belong to the set of men who truly live on their own terms. You will always be a mindless observant, a passive, sheep-like consumer. I have been forced to become a member of the set of men who leads. The Tribal Leader. You are shameless. I don't mind you or want to interfer with your life. Just know I am going to force myself to be successful.

If it does get bad in public, it will just make me get very, very, very fucking good, to the point where I'll be on a boards of directors fearlessly dominating a massive company.

Peace out guys. Keep your eyes peeled for me, I guarantee you will hear about me one day. I am now living without paying a single thought to what other people think.

You want to be friends with me, you will find the best friend you will ever have. If you want to be an enemy, trust me when I say, I have so, so much more power than your pathetic self because I have true inner strength which despite what you throw at it, will become stronger and stronger. I am now at my strongest.

I now truly do not need any one apart from myself. I am cleaning myself up. I am going to become totally teetotal, serene, imbued with the confidence of a fucking God. I will accept nothing less than my way. I am forging my own beautiful reality. Only a select few may be a part of it, I don't need shit any more. I'm a good man and I will get someone else like me. Not even worried about that any more, because it's a foregone conclusion. It's just going to happen because I'm making it happen.

If you like me, cool. If not, I spit on you for needlessly judging. Have some decency.

If you want to contact me, you can do so via personal message. It alerts me on my email so I will log in and reply. Otherwise, I am not online. I would love to let you guys how I'm getting on.

Looks like it's the end guys. You are beautiful, amazing people and I love you for trying to live the life YOU want to live. We are just guys who want to get the most out of life. Let everyone else be normal, we don't want to be like them. Let us lead. We are distinguishing ourselves from the insipid and dull normalcy life perpetuates and instead basking in glory, being positive and supportive to everyone around us, and being the best most loving human beings we can be.

R

The fiery, caustic tone of the above post was indicative of the ignition of a transmutational flame, I have undergone a sort of morphogenetic cycle and finally have come to acceptance. I am totally chilling now. Human beings are evolutionary machines, and while our body is adapted to the modern environment, our conscious minds sometimes need to undergo a sort of natural selection. The surgeon has to get used to the sight of blood.

Most people go through life in a walking daze.

They are the product of social and genetic causative forces, manifest in a facile identity which holds a free-moving, evolutionary core.

Most people, hence, do not really live.

If you do not know yourself, how can you love yourself? If you do not love yourself, how can you love others? How can they love you? Your emotions can only pertain to the realm of the fluid. They have no root. Allow me to explain.

If you have not examined yourself and swam deep into your conscious mind, how can you understand your values? How can you grasp what makes you happy? And how can you enrich yourself? To use an analogy of the flower, an organic, growth-inclined entity comparable to humans – how can we photosynthesize if we uptake the wrong nutritive material?

Most people get up and have a normal day in their lives. They leave their houses, they go to work, they study, they see their friends, maybe they go out. Maybe they take drugs. Maybe they hook up. Maybe they spend time with loves ones. Maybe they cultivate the mind and the body. Maybe they do something crazy once in a while. All this functions to disrupt a homeostatic balance. But, given as the act is in itself facile and superficial, once the equilibrium is distorted, like the rain flowing into a gutter, the vista of their live will once again be grey as pavement. The sun will set and leave a cold dawn. It is only if you flow constantly like the ocean can you constitute a unit of true structural integrity. We cannot stagnate into normalcy. Vast canyons have been carved from the ferocious erosive power of the tide. Yes I do live an alternate lifestyle. But, I’m actually pretty chill about that. People who’re my friends love me for it. Ohhhhhh yeah.

I am making the decision to continue posting FRs until I have lost my virginity. What is probably going to happen is I’ll get a girlfriend or like randomly hook up with someone who I find cool and I’ll close this window into my life. You are welcome to observe for the time being. It is helping me on some level. This will however be the last one til May. I’ve got exams.

The rationale behind this continuation despite the head fuck of this week is two-fold. Firstly, people know. I get starred out a lot lol, and believe me, hearing about how I am a ‘pick up artist’ or about the lack of penetration in my life is pretty much an ephemeral auditory hallucination haha. I totally see the funny side now. Yesterday, I went out. In the club, a large group behind me was discussing how I am a ‘pick up artist’, and they also knew my full-name (most of my friends do not know this!) and my address. They knew what I study, what year I’m in, my interests. They knew it all. Celebrity status on campus now buddy hahaah. I’m chill about it man. I have become a very open person. I have told all my SPAM about the fact I’m a virgin and do pick up to make my life better. They didn’t even care. When my friends get back from Easter, I’m going to tell all of them too. In time, I will tell all my new friends also, but only when the situation warrants. I want them to know the honest truth. They like me any way, they’re chill as hell. I don’t care. Secondly, the people telling others on campus are kind of constructing it negatively. They are just telling people I’m a pick up artist, and giving no context. What seems to be happening is some people flat-out don’t believe it, so this journal is being sent to them. When they read the entire journal, they seem to be able to relate somehow. It’s cool. People understand what the deal is. There have been some problems, I’ll expand on that later, but no guy has actually got a problem with me. No cool guy has actually caused me any trouble. Only bad thing that ever happened was when a group of, excuse me, but complete dweebs piped up one time. I would now turn around and engage with them for jokes. Fools aside, most guys are supportive of me. Any girls reading this should take it as a reason to respect men. These guys don’t even know me and they just saw I was having a shit time and went out of their way to have my back. This is some radical stuff, such beautiful people out there. I was actually stunned when I overheard a cool guy going a very long way to defend me. He almost got into a full-blown argument with his friend over it. If you’re reading this, thank you so much man. You are a straight up boss. I’ve got your back. In light of this, I must succeed. There are always going to be guys who will see me out and tell people I'm a PUA. If I became fucking celibate, they'd still do it. In light of this, I'll just go hard and sort my little problem out...lol.

I’ve now come full circle. Through adapting the pick up shiz to suit my needs, I am now on the natural path. This is my own thought and philosophy now. This is all from my own mind, I take things from others, listen to my man Jackal, and I do my own thing. Jackal mentored me one on one. He saw my problems and gave me holistic advice. I absorbed his analysis. People need to understand, Jackal is a good, honest man of integrity. He does not go around shagging women. He is a committed man! Indeed, a very committed man! To be as good as he is and still have love for one woman and only one woman is inspiring to me and I want to replicate that. He told me straight up one time, he’s a nice guy, and he’s just not doing that to her. BOSS. Now, at this stage, I’m completely solo. I will go out with people etc, but I don’t need anyone else there. I’m me, no one else. The pick up stuff provided me with some interesting theory and allowed my mind to engage with the subject matter and fill in the grey area. I’m now on the natural path. Being good with people is just what I do. Pick up did one amazing thing for me. It allowed me to understand some core aspects of myself.

I accept everything that’s happened now. This process has allowed me to unweave the internal golden thread. I now understand why it didn’t just happen, why I’ve not had sex. Can a celibate Shaolin Monk go into a club and pull? No, he cannot. The first time he goes to that club, no matter how hard he wants to pull, he will not be able to. Even the drunkest girl, most desperate girl there will not be able to close the deal with him. SOMETHING emanating from the Monk will signal to her that sex isn’t really on the agenda. She may push, but when she pushes, as the Monk is poor under sexual tension, it will crack him. This is because sub-communication is more important than verbal communication. It’s intricacies in body language which send out the biological sparks. I wasn't ready then. I am now!

Given the primacy of sub-communication, genuinely is the order of the day. If I want to do something, I fucking do it. If you come from a genuine place, you get a genuine response. You are able to meld an interaction into an enriching experience which leaves both parties happy. Why is it when a person who has taken MDMA speaks to you, you feel so comfortable, and no matter who they are, you do not want to exit the conversation having been rude to them. You want them to be happy, because they’re interacting with you genuinely. I have been opening guys and girls with just this…

Hey, I’m R.

Or something like that...whatever. My new thing is, if you need to think about it before you say it, it's not genuine. Only genuine speech counts.

100% of the time, it hooked.

I don’t give a shit any more. My confidence shines through. One dude was going hard on the pull, I always respect other guys when out and never cock block. I let him do his thing and then when he couldn't do the business, I went in to the same two girls and opened them. 100% hooked. I did it because I wanted to talk to them. I told them I’d catch them later and as I walked off and they said 'now that is how it’s done, what a nice person.' Yesss.

So yeah, my worldview really did change. I can see the good in all people now. I can see the beauty of nature. I guess my poor internal calibration before did lead me to get frustrated and spawn all of this negativity. This has changed. I was unable to see the true, raw beauty of human beings before. I can now look at a man or woman and see the imperceptible parts of their nature. I'm straight so chill out on the accusations...lol...but look, with women this is really something that is demonstrative of a deep, deep foundational-level identity change. For 20 years I was just off thinking about other things. This has now come full circle. For 20 years I did not know what I was attracted to and what I wanted. I hence was never really attracted to anyone (I know. Fuck you lol) and …now I see some girls I know as REALLY pretty. Like girls I was in halls with or in classes with first year. I didn't notice them then, but my jaw has actually dropped a few times now. That never used to happen before. There was a barmaid I saw yesterday and she was so amazing I couldn't believe it. Jaw totally dropped, was shaking my head. Was nuts. Chemical reactions occurred which did not before. Dunno what it was, she just looked different. I don’t know specifically what happened to allow for this, but through introspection, I think because I accepted everything about myself and have nothing left to hide, I have opened up and now have a totally well-calibrated mind! Fuck yeah! This exposal really helped me.

I am even opening up sexually. I was straight up with a girl yesterday, first thing I said to her was that I thought she was gorgeous. I was able to inject a sexual frame into the interaction as I genuinely was going nuts for her at the time dude. I meant it. 100% hooked and she went hard all night. I was pretty much knackered and just wanted to see a DJ I liked that night so I kinda had to sneak away into the night but I was very nice to her and it was fun for us both. In light of this, the basis of my problems is eroding.

It's now more about motivation. If I am motivated and consistent, and just continue loving life, I’ll get this handled. Like, totally get it sorted - not having to think about it handled. Because I now view these things through the prism of genuinity, I am only going to press the ones I like. Easy.

I am doing FRs in my own way now. I used to outline the interractions to get the nuts and bolts down and see if I could perfect it. This is indicative of an unnatural mind set. I do not believe guys should be doing this now. It’s a running theme that guys who are more motivated by enriching their lives tend to wean off the Mystery Method and go into the natural type – loads of it out there, take your pic. All the lines, all the preconceived stuff is now gone from my mind. The concepts like shit-tests, creation of value are good building blocks, but it’s just not genuine. Any wonder why Mystery was such a wreck when the crazy Russian chick ebbed away from his life? By jumping through biological hoops, Mystery and other such pick up artists engineer attraction, but true bonding is a whole other galaxy which is not explicable in black and white terms. Our genes are smarter than we are. We need to allow attraction to take care of itself, the DNA matrix expresses itself and sparks the chemical maelstrom that lifts your mind to interpersonal connection. I’m just doing my thing now. I will substantiate on it once I’ve had results and then see if I should push my new approach or not. I will only ever outline the interractions which I want to use as case studies to illustrate my own theories. I do a lot of in-field testing. I am natty and do not do the pick up thing. I just go out and chill. It’s not against the law to be a cool guy and talk to people. Don’t like it, sue me.

As a point of information, if you want lots of sex, don't listen to me. If that is the case, good for you, but you are best off reading someone elses FRs.

Anyway, as demonstrative of my internal calibration having really changed, I am making some very strong friendships recently. My life is becoming really cool. Some of the people I’ve been hanging out with are fucking amazing. I have really, really clicked with them in like minutes. One recent dude I met in a taxi after a rave, yesterday I was in his house bossing it to some amazing house til 5am lol. He’s such a cool dude, really generous, was pretty concerned about me when I told him about my crazy week. That’s what it’s all about!

How did this foundational, identity level change occur?

Good attitudes got into my unconscious mind. I’ve been around good people who want me to succeed. Through osmosis, and through the euphoria of solving the unconscious puzzle of outward world analysis, it all clicked.

Worldview is at the core of boundary-free living. Yesterday, for instance, a random girl at the front of the stage when Maya Jane Coles was playing started elbowing me, pushing me, basically bothering me a lot for a few minutes. I was just like whatver. Anyway, when her friend asked her what she was doing, she stated angrily that I was a pick up artist. Her friend, who I recognized from halls, told her that I’m doing it for a good reason - to lose the V. She also said I was nice, what a cool person dude! After that, I was left alone and was able to just chill.

This is suggestive of a internal decency and rationality in people. Even though women hate pick up artists, she was cool with it in light of the context. That’s pretty amazing. I respect that. The old me would have evoked social-darwinism, as you can see in the older posts. Mystery Method fucked with my head. I probably would have said something along the lines of her not being too silly to critically think for herself and engage with causality. Now I can see my thought process was fucked up. I can now see that interpersonal interactions are not at all black and white, and the realm of emotions is not explicable by logic alone. If someone tells me someone is a xenophobe and hates foreign people, it is going to evoke a lot of emotions in me. I am going to probably have a strong dislike for that person, even though I don’t know them. Nothing can justify xenophobia but in light of what a person is going through it can be explicable why they are at that juncture. They’re still some messed up dudes, I would prefer to I not speak to them, but melding this logic to my current journey, it is all explicable. Moreover, by virtue of the fact that most people are able to engage with the bitterness of the pill, it's just elevated my state.

The evolution of how I do this has actually changed the dynamics though. The medicine isn’t bitter any more. I’m just doing me. It’s not hard to swallow.

I even think I actually know what I want now. Depth is better than superficiality. You don’t know a damn thing about a person til you’ve spent a lot of time with them, but I go off vibe. I go off connection. If I feel something, I just work from there. I think this is indicative of raw attraction. It is raw, rather than progressively constructed attraction, that allows two people to experience some craaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy shiz. I just like cool girls. I’ll get that dude. Not fussed about the rest, looks etc. I’m just doing my thing right now. Most couples tend to just have a bit of a connection it appears. I think at this age it’s just sexual and emotional pragmatism that keeps people together. People talk about the ‘one’. I don’t know anything about this concept yet. I can’t comment. I don’t care about this concept right now. You crawl before you walk.

What I do know is I am very happy right now.

Sorry if my posts during my crisis sound a bit douchey guys. If you wanna have a lot of sex, you do your thing boys. I respect that. Nothing wrong with it! It’s just for me personally, what makes me happy isn’t that. I now know what I want, who I am, and how to get the thing I want. It's been awesome.

If you're a cool guy add me on facebook. It's no thing, just PM me or something.

Peaceout. LOVE YA X

Props to you dude, for feeling comfortable and making the decisions that make you happy.

It's just interesting that you have taken that approach about your 'pick-up career'. I'm the polar opposite to what you have done, I never mention anything to do with pick-up in real life except for maybe 3 close guy friends even then its fairly limited, and would be horrified at the thought of having PUA reputation. But I suppose that's just an idiosyncrasy of mine because I view the actual game and picking up women as a minor part of my life, one slice of the cake if you will.

I suppose I can relate though, when I first discovered this stuff for the first few months I was eating book after book and watching/involving myself in so much material. But soon I acquired foundations i.e I was comfortable with cold approaching, attracting, escalating and closing; and understood how to build rhythm in terms of going out and building momentum. Once I got this down, I just chilled it out a bit and fitted it to my life. On average I tend to stick to occasionally watching RSD videos which have so much depth and help solidify my mindsets and attitudes to life in general, every now and then checking forums and helping others and going out a few times a month.

Essentially what I have discovered that for me is that I can just re-prioritize things, when necessary. Sometimes I have a surge where academia becomes the most important thing by far (e.g now in the months preceding exams), or I get on a gym hype and try to make crazy amount of gains, or even doing more things with friends and building my social circle relationships. As a consequence I've been out twice in the last month and my 'performance' has been poor game wise, but I don't care because I had some fun to unwind with friends after working. And more importantly I know that once this tough period is over I have more time to build some proper momentum, go out get numbers, makeouts, dates , same night fucks, crazy fun adventures; the reason for this is that I have done it before and therefore have a reference in my head of how to do it, so I know with full certainty that when I want to go for it it will happen again.

I can definitely understand your sense of urgency, especially when it comes to losing the V. I was doing what you were doing posting loads, going out getting better and better and eventually it happened. What I do regret however, I don't know if it applies to you as well, was that I kept getting a bit too worked up about it. When I had to do the aforementioned things I'd be pissed that I wasn't out trying to put my dick in a girl, which kind of distracted myself from my other goals in life and made things harder than they need to be.
This path for me was definitely worth it for me, even though I have mild regret on the pressure I put on myself, eventually the consistency it paid off I built the skill-set over a few months had loads of fun and started getting girls.
I'm not being particularly succinct but I guess my point is try to get the balance of driving forward in your pick-up goals but learning to not focus on it so much. Try to attain balance and only relate to PU when you are about to go out or indulging in some post night out analysis that's it. It's much easier said than done (especially when you don't have the references that others do) but relax and drive yourself away from that dependence on outcome. I know how it feels.

You are doing what the 99% aren't, hell probably what 80% of those involved in the game aren't; you have drive and you are improving I can see so much potential in you. You have spark, introspection and determination. If you keep going you will achieve your goal of having a sexual relationship with a woman you connect with and respect; even if it is the opposite of my current goal of being a balanced, intellectual,charismatic pussy slayer (if such a thing exists ha). It doesn't really matter, the key is in building the skills which you seem to recognize.

It's great that you have such transparent goals ,and are clear in decision making, that you are hell bent on achieving.
Apologies if this confusing in terms of structure, grammar I'm a bit sleep deprived due to said academia hehe. You posted some deep stuff, so I thought I would reciprocate rather than you having a self contained dialogue, anyway it seems like I'm making intelligent points as I'm writing but I don't know lol.

Any questions about this or pick up in general feel free to just PM or reply to the thread. Good luck man

_________________
"Once you learn to feel the fear and do it anyway, the outcomes will come."- 60yoc

My journal of adventures and escalation: time-to-go-for-the-kills-escalation-blo ... highlight=

I know I said I wouldn’t post but I want to get this off my chest. Have come to a conclusion. This is my last post. I am 100% done with ‘pick up’. The two guys who I had from here on my phone can no longer contact me as my number has changed. The one guy I had from here on facebook is deleted. I have wiped the slate clean and am starting again. Through the process of open, honest, introspective engagement I have become a better man, son, friend, and member of society.

It was only when I felt truly relaxed that I was able to think about what the hell I was doing. Going out all the time and seeking to climb up an illusory ladder which would eventually imbue me with the ability to develop myself romantically and sexually. Was just too much too fast. Going out all the time and coming back to a lone self should indicate I was doing something wrong. If this was for me, I wouldn’t have had to motivate myself so much to do it. If this was for me, I would have been happy doing it.

I’m actually pleased to stop if anything!

I honestly think I came to this with an unhealthy mind set. I believe I was socially conditioned to think I needed certain things, when in reality, all I needed was myself.

In short, I’m not that bothered any more. I can’t be arsed lol.

When I started this I honestly thought within 6 months I’d lose it and then carry on with my degree. I did not expect I would be going on a fucking spiritual journey with twists and turns and all the rest. Like everything else in my life, it’s not been easy. Pick up was not for me, but it did point me in the right developmental direction. I needed to understand these things. In truth, there is no blueprint to life. What worked for someone else, may not work for you. In coming to pick up, I tried to put a plaster on a gushing wound, but all this did was cause the wound to bleed out and get worse.

I now focus on myself, on my mind and my existence. I have stopped caring completely about getting laid and girls in general, although I do have a lot of love for women. I have grounded myself in my own reality. This summer I just want to explore me. No one else, just me. I want to do a lot of meditation, as much as 5 hours a day, for weeks on end, just purifying my mind and ridding myself of negativity and social conditioning. I want to listen to lots of music, only hang out with cool people who I truly like, completely cut ties with a lot of guys I know back home. I want to slowly begin to break through the brick wall I hit. Inch by inch, it will begin to crumble. I want to pick up the guitar again after two years off and practise religiously, hours upon hours of purifying, clean, soul enriching acoustic music. I will read a hell of a lot of books. I really want to harness my creativity. I want to read about all sorts, urban geography, Chinese history, sociology, anthropology, quite a few novels, lots of political and international relations theory. I want to watch a lot of film and documentary. I want to learn a lot about art, culture, history. I want to get back into drawing after a long time out, like 8 years out. I want to work a lot on my drawing I must say. When I was like 10 I won a city wide drawing competition, and til 15 I drew a lot. I reconnected with something within me. I am
I am completely shifting my focus from women and relationships to myself. I am pretty much not going out unless my main friends want to go. Going out 4 time a week for 3 months was probably bad for me to be honest.

What I have had to do is akin to reconstructing an antique vase that’s shattered into a million pieces. Using a magnifying glass, a pair of tweezers and intricate application of glue, I reconstructed from humongous complexity a whole which, while damaged, it will do.

At some point we will all need to get our acts together. I’ve done what I needed to do. I have reached a juncture of fulfillment.

Going to change the email associated with this account to a random one I will forget, change the password to something immensely crazy I will never remember, and just live my life. I am going to add this site to the blacklist on the registry of my OS so I will never be able to access it. In time this thread will ebb away in the annals of internet history and it will signify the dissolution of my old self.

For me, this was my French Revolution. As blood from the guillotine ran down the streets, people said the philosophers had lead society back into barbarism, but after time, logic and reason conquered all. Don’t need this any more.

Pretty much told all my friends and they're going to help me now. I'm just going to be myself. I never was a pick up artist...the two kisses I got in this log were when I was absolutely intoxicated...otherwise never would have happened lol!! Also remember all guys read these sorts of sites, whether they admit it or not. They watch YouTube videos etc. Everyone wants to improve. I had to go all the way because I thought there was no other avenue, but actually, if you have good friends who're not virginised, then they're probably best to help you. I have to admit, some of this log does over exaggerate things, so don't read into it too much. Some of these things never even happened. I did spend 4 months doing this and only improved on the surface level really. I had the tools from the start, the problem was I didn't, and still to this day do not, even bother using them. I can see that now. Don't care to go into detail, I have explained myself to you enough.

Good bye and best wishes.

Yours,
R

Just read through all your posts since February. Sad to see you go. Best of luck with everything, man.

Sincerely, Michael