Chapter #0: It doesn't count... or does it count as half?

0.1 Molly

I was 19 at the time. Recently after I'd turned 18 my dad moved 30 miles away from Oberlin, OH to North Olmsted. There was no way in hell I was gonna live with my mom. So I was in a new town [again] after leaving Oberlin, the town I'd lived in for the longest.

So around 19 My uncle sections off the house I used to live in with my dad [we rented from my uncle] into 4 apartments. No, wait, it was the house next door that my uncle lived in. The house we used to live in my uncle sold to this really creepy guy named Cory. We'd gotten a letter that said a sex offender recently moved into our neighborhood.

I'd go to church every Friday night and on Sunday morning and night. I was on the Drama team and was overly dedicated to saving others from the fiery depths of hell. Cause eternal pain and suffering didn't sit well with me. It was something I didn't think even Adolf Hitler deserves, cause he was probably just not right in the head and went through some things. I didn't know what drove him to such things, but I sure didn't want even him to go to hell.

In 9th grade a lot of students would ask me about God. I didn't always have answers to their questions. I never pressed my religion on them, cause I felt it would drive someone away and I wanted to do my best to save everyone from such a horrible fate. I wanted no one to go to hell. No one at all. I'd thought that if given the option to sacrifice myself to save even one person from the pits of hell I'd do such a thing and endure the pain and suffering of hell in their place.

One thing I started doing was I would write down questions a non believer might ask me. I'd written down all the questions I'd already been asked and I used the concordance in the back of my Bible to look up scriptures to find answers to these questions. I also was pro-active about the whole idea [I really really didn't want ANYONE going to hell or suffering] and would make up questions. I tried to come up with the most complex deep questions I could. Then I would research my Bible and try to answer these questions. I'd look online for part of the history of the bible and how the books were chosen. Or find out what was meant in certain scriptures such as when Jesus says to be either Hot or Cold but not lukewarm.

The lukewarm Christian is something I heard people at church say a lot. And the general understanding is that it's someone who's half assed and torn between their worldly desires and their faith. This is wrong. It's not what was meant. In the area Jesus was in when he said that there was a Hot spring and a Cold spring. The Hot water was useful for cooking, soothing aches and pains, etc. The Cold water was useful for drinking and cooling off, etc.. Luke warm water had no use and was more likely to make a person sick [since they didn't have water filtration]. So what is meant to to be useful one way or the other [hot or cold] but don't be useless to the cause [lukewarm]. Others think it meant to be either all for God or not at all, but never half assed. They put people down who tried and failed and constantly tell them God doesn't want lukewarm Christians. This upset me, cause these people were trying but just had their struggles as all human beings do. So that's another reason i read and studied my bible so much.

I'd tell those in church it's okay that they messed up as long as they're still trying and helping out others.


I'd been a Virgin all my life. Never kissed a girl. I never tried to have sex with anyone and never tried to kiss a girl. The bible said to honor thy mother and father. My mom told me I wasn't aloud to date. I didn't date. She also told me that if she's ever in the wrong or does something crazy to tell her and stand up for myself [I've been VERY consistent with that one.].

I was 18 when I wrote this down in my book of things a non believer might say to me: God is all knowing, Omnipotent, Omnipresent. He knows everyone down to every last detail. He knows what's going to happen in the future. He knows what anyone will do given any situation. He knows what choices everyone will make. Also he created everyone down to every last detail. Every person is 100% the way they are cause this all knowing, all powerful, being made them the way they were. God also placed everyone in every situation. He chose who your family is, where you were born, when you were born, everything. So, he knows what decisions you'll make and how you'll react to the circumstances. How things will effect you. Everything.

Free will is a lie. Everything you do is cause and reaction and God is the cause. He knows that D'jimbe living out in a 3rd world country will never hear of his name and never believe in him yet he says people must worship him and believe in him in order to enter Heaven. Why? He knows that Hitler will be influenced by his early life in such a way that he's driven to do horrible things. He knows who he'll meet, the ambition this man has, and what he'll do with it all. He knows he'll eventually cause the deaths of millions. God created him that way and put him in that situation and knew what would come of it. Why?

I didn't have an answer for that. I researched and thought and thought and never came up with an answer for that. It was a contradiction to say people have free will and that this being is all knowing and knows everything they'll ever do. I looked deeper and thought it was fishy that God says he loves unconditionally but then placed conditions on receiving that love. I thought it was fishy that He claims he loves everyone and there are points where it says God hates.

And then sometimes when i was 19 I stopped believing. I felt it was an elaborate story that's been used for horrible things. Controlling people with fear. Judging others. I hated that book. I felt violated and lied to. Like all my life I've been told this horrible lie. And then I thought... . o O (Well I guess saving myself for marriage is a silly idea now). I wanted to see what it was like to have sex and get drunk. I wanted to have a girlfriend. I figured I should ask out Ashley White, I really liked that girl. There was no reason for me not to date her at this point.

She had a boyfriend. I knew a girl at work and two girls from school. I liked them and ended up just being friends with them. I started getting frustrated about it all. I asked my cousin Amy for advice on girls and she basically said "just be yourself." I always was myself and thought her advice was silly. I asked a few other girls and they also gave horrible advice... I thought it was all stupid advice but I was polite to them anyway.

I knew there was something out there on this. It was 2003. I knew guys who got chicks all the time and guys who never got even a kiss [me]. And I came up with a plan. I knew somewhere some place someone had the answers and someone could help me out. I knew there had to be something out there. I mean psychology was a field of study on the mind, so surely someone studied the psychology of dating and sleeping with girls.

I had a Gamefaqs account. It was the only message board I went to online where I was talking to complete strangers from all over the world. All the other ones were pretty local, like the Anime club at my school had a message board. I started bitching and complaining about girls. I'd create topics that would whine and complain about how confusing girls were and how I don't get it. I'd do this almost everyday. I was determined to find whatever it was that was out there. I never told my friends that I was looking for this and stopped asking them for advice. I figured they'd think I was crazy if I said "I'm 95% sure that there's someone out there with detailed information about dating. That there's someone somewhere who's been filing away what does and doesn't work and it's based in psychology."

I persisted with the bitching. People would laugh and make fun of me and sometimes guys would give me shitty advice. One guy told me I just gotta buy a girl flowers and buy her dinner. But my older brother never bought his girlfriend flowers or paid for her meals. Actually she paid for him more often than not. Given that, I figured this guy didn't know what he was talking about.

I also went to a lot of college parties. But I never got anywhere with the girls. I never even kissed them. I didn't get it.

And then it happened. One of the most life changing events in my life. I was on AIM talking to a few friends about going skateboarding at some new indoor park.
Zephyre: Hey.
Me: Hi.
Z: Check this out.
Z: http://www.fastseduction.com/
Me: What is that? Also, who are you?
Z: I noticed your posts on Gamefaqs. I saw you kept posting them. I looked at your profile and got your AIM sn.
Me: Oh, so, what is that?
Z: It's what you've been looking for. You said there has to be something out there like this. Here it is.
Z: I gotta run, start off with the basics and check it out. Just be cool and don't womanize anyone.
Me: Thank you. Take care, I'll stay in touch.

There it was. That thing I'd been looking for. I new it existed. Marvel vs Capcom 2 was actually very inspirational for this. My Older brother would play me in MvC2 and we were on a level playing field. I won just as much as he won against each other. i was a smarter player and her was better at execution and reaction. It evened out. One day he does something weird and gets me in some insanely long combo and I ask "What did you just do?" He explains it with some weird jargon I don't understand. I ask what he's talking about and say to speak English. He says he went on Gamefaqs and read about the game and learned it all in a data base.

He keeps getting better cause he keeps reading all these technical things about the game. All from the internet. I check it out and brush up on my skills. We're talking to each other a month later saying weird things like footsies, traps, otg, dhc, etc.. We're abusing glitches, setting up combo's with assists, and so on. In the arcade people can't even touch us. People who used to whoop our asses. They're asking what the hell we're doing and we tell them and they look at us confused.

I figured that there's is something like that for everything in life.
The internet started spreading all of this around. People were able to share idea's more. Guys gave their buddies dating advice in high school via word of mouth. In person. I KNEW guys did this online. I also knew they had a forum set up somewhere with all the shared information organized and set up for anyone to learn and read. I knew it existed but wasn't sure what it would be called and when I searched for dating advice I always found a load of crap.

Zephyre showed me where it was at. And now I knew what it was called: Pick up.
I studied quite a bit and at some point I felt I lacked the moral and ethical self control. Ethics were a very grey area at that point in my life. I didn't want to hurt anyone so I stopped. I went with the basics. I didn't learn too much nlp. I didn't want to fuck up anyone's head. Z was my guide. I'd ask him about the morality of it all and tell him about the nights I had out at the parties. he'd give me feedback.


And one night I was tired of drinking and not getting drunk. I wanted to get drunk.
I went to a few parties that night and ended up at a house party off of main street. The first couple of parties I went too I tried the kino thing but was really awkward with it. I also used to anchor a lot. I'd touch a girl on her shoulder whenever she laughed and do 5 counts of this before doing it when she wasn't laughing. Looking back now, with all the new information I've learned about body language and tell tell signs etc. I could've gotten laid a lot. I just didn't know how to read the signs or what to do to progress.

So this party on main street there's a table with booze on it and a guy is mixing drinks behind it. he's charging about $3 a drink.
me: I've never been drunk before and I wanna get drunk.
Him: What kind of juice do you like?
me: I like Orange juice, it's my favorite.
Him: Everclear screwdriver it is!

I paid him $3 and downed my drink, which didn't have any taste of alcohol in it. I didn't feel any different.

me: I'm not drunk yet. Get me another one.
Him: sure.

$3 more bucks I down another.

Me: I guess I'll try one more. I'm still not feeling anything.

He pours me another and says it's on him. I leave him a $2 tip.

him: How're you feeling? *smile* [a very friendly smile]
Me: I still feel the same, actually. I guess I don't wanna drink anymore, I'm not getting drunk. What's it feel like when you're drunk anyway?
Him: It takes some time to settle in. You'll know when you're drunk.
Me: Okay, I'll take your word on it.

I hit the dance floor and there's this really hot Asian chick. I was really into asian chicks back then. I'm dancing with her. At this point I had learned that just moving along to the beat of the music and grinding on a girl is all one needs to dance really. I'd still never kissed a girl. THEN IT HAPPENS!! I feel different and my balance and vision are off. I fall backwards while I've got my hand around her waist. I land on the couch and she's on my lap.

Without thinking I put my hand down her pants and start to finger her. She's moaning a little bit. I'm rubbing around and I'm not really sure what to do, but I like having my hand in her pussy. with my other hand I start groping her tits and she pulls her shirt up. I start sucking on her tits. I'm loving it. Then she leans in and we start making out [first kiss]. I'm making out with this really hot Asian chick and fingering her and she's moaning. I'm playing with her tits too. This is really fucking fun. Eventually we stop and she says she has to go to the bathroom and I'm sitting there in bliss. I"m trying to think but my mind is running slow.

I start to understand things and think about balance. Balance is sometimes effected by the eyes but one can adapt. I remember a drill we did in track and field where we stood on one leg and closed out eye to work on balance. I think I don't need to see to balance. I stand up and I feel wobbly. I Think about how I feel. I get a feel for walking around. After a few minutes I get the hang of it and I'm not so wobbly anymore. The hot asian chick is back and we're making out again and she tells me her name is Molly.

I tell her I'm Nick. She mentions the back room is empty and I say that's cool and we make out more. I just keep making out and the party is over and I'm leaving. I've got the hang of walking and thinking inhibited at this point. I walk home and get on the computer. I go to my journal and put in the password. It's on todays current date. I write something like "Today was nice, I went skateboarding, blah blah blah." Really generic shit. Then I go to the year 3003 on the same date and write down what happened. How I had my first kiss and fingered a girl. I sniff my fingers and like the way they smell. I talk about the Zephyre.

Note: My journal had a password that was a word I never speak and has no relationship to anything I ever talk about. It also had 3 random numbers in it that weren't connected to numbers I had in sports, my birthday, or anything really. Not even a prime number [since people knew I was fond of primes]. Then after getting through the password there was an entry for the current year. This current date entry talked about light hearted things I did during the day. Like skateboarding or working out.

After that if you looked at entries set 1,000 years in the future it said what I was thinking about and went really in depth with personal things I had going on. All because one day my older brother started reading my journal that was a notebook. After he'd read it I created an encoded alphabet that had 50+ characters in it. Things like Vowels weren't always present in words. I also made up my own short hand that I wrote with in my encoded alphabet. And there were characters that represented words or idea's. I had a key for it all, but spent time every day memorizing it and doing drills. once I had it memorized I destroyed the key.

No one but me would ever read it.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Chapter 0: It doesn't count... or does it count as half?

0.2 Angela... sigh... I miss her
I was about 23... maybe 22. I'd been kicked out of my mom's house and was staying at this guy Brandon's. I know this is before Cedar point. This is before I ended everything with Liz permanently. It's after I met liz though. My car had been broken down. I was homeless. I'd gotten fired from Fridays. I wasn't working. I had been going to a temporary Job agency.

Brandon.
When I lived at the condo my dad had bought us I had a job at Toys R Us. I lived with my brother and sister and I wasn't a virgin but both of them were and they still went to church. They didn't understand why I hated church or the bible so much... they never really asked me why. I didn't feel like telling them why either... didn't think they'd understand really.

I wanted to get out of the house and away from them. I missed the parties I went to in Oberlin. I missed all the friends I met and all the fun adventures I had. I missed hanging out with the traveling band or meeting Amy during the summer [I might talk about her later... never actually got laid or really anything... it was a fail]. I started going to a bar called the joyful mug. I met people from Fridays there.

So fast forward to a time where I have a car and I'm homeless. I went to the joyful mug after work a lot. I had a lot of friends there. They weren't my family. They didn't judge me. They didn't put me down. They just showed up to drink, we had our laughs, and everyone went home. One of them tells me about some place that opened up called the Whiskey Ranch. I went to check this club out. It had a Mechanical bull and there was a guy who played pool. He'd run the table and no one could beat him. No one but me. I was a smart player. He had skillful shots. I'd play defensive and set up barriers and give him horrible leaves so he had no shot. He's work his magic and try to knock in a ball. I'd plan it out and set him up so he'd scratch on the 8 ball, or knock it in early. Or I'd set up an opportunity for me to knock in all of my balls without missing and then sink the 8 ball. it was 50/50 with us.

No one could beat me but him. I loved it. One day there i see some random guy and we're bullshitting and talking about philosophy. I buy him a drink and chat with him for a while and he doesn't have a ride home. I gave him a ride and crash at his place. This was Brandon.

We'd go out to Cleveland [roughly 40miles out] and go to clubs and try to meet girls. He always wanted me to be a wing but I was more of a solo act. I'd divide and end up making out with some chick but never seal the deal. Eventually Brandon found out I was homeless. He let me stay at his place for a while here and there. Ryo let me crash at his too.

Car breaks down and I'm living with Brandon.
I'm working at a temporary Job agency. I show up early and wait and wait and sometimes I'm sent out for work and I get some money. If 2pm rolls around I know it's time to leave and no jobs are going to show up. I always show up at 5am when they open and wait until either 2pm or I get a job.

This day I'm playing Mario Kart on my DS. I fucking love that game. I'm sitting next to an Autistic girl and she's just looking for work like the rest of us. She's talking to me while i'm playing my DS. It's rather difficult to talk to her. I just have to be patient. She's really nice. People keep making fun of her and she's not noticing. I step outside and ask her if she wants to smoke a cigarette. I'm very irritated that people are making fun of her and I don't want to cuss anyone out. I know I'm going to cuss someone out and it wont be good for the whole work thing.

She's talking about the game engine for Mario kart to me and the software and hardware on the DS. She's saying some really interesting stuff and I'm asking her questions. We go back inside and people are still laughing at her and she says she's upset cause people are making fun of her so much. I tell her they're all assholes and not to worry about it. She says she wants to go home. I tell her I'll stay here with her and that we should wait and see if we can find a job. I'm called up for a job and I ask if she can come out for work too. I tell the guy behind the counter that people have been rude to her but she's waiting for work like the rest of us and I want to be there with her.

He says he can't send her out yet. I tell him I'd like to wait until something comes up where we can both work. He says it's okay and that I've been a hard worker so he'll let me know when something comes up. 2pm comes by and there's nothing. I tell him I'm headed out and he says he'll see me tomorrow and that I'm a genuine guy.

I tell her I'll walk her home. We're walking and we get to this bridge I like to hang out under [there were woods and other fun stuff down there.]. She comes with me under the bridge and we're chatting and she kisses me. We're making out and she says that I'm really sweet and she doesn't usually move this fast with a guy. I unbutton her shirt and she's rubbing my cock. Some random guy walks buy and I get him to leave and we continue making out.

I start fingering her and she's kissing me and telling me that I'm such a great person and I make her feel special. She says this in her broken speech. I try taking off her pants and she says she's not ready for sex but puts her hands down my pants. I get her off fingering her and she smiles and unzipped my pants and starts giving me a blow job. It was alright... really not that great.

After a while we stand up and we're making out while she's jerking me off. I start nutting everywhere and she's giggling and laughing and kisses me. Then we continue our walk to her place. She lived with her mom. Her mom gives me a hug and talks to me for a moment and says I seem like such a sweet guy. I'm talking to Angela and she goes in her room and says she wants to show me something. Her mom tells me that I'm very patient and we talk for a bit. She basically asks me to date her daughter and says I seem really understanding and genuine. I smile and say thank you.

I go in her room and she's got some hunk of metal. I ask what it is, she says it's a hand held super nintendo. And she puts a game in it and I'm playing Yoshi's island on this thing that looks like a Borg starship. She's got some other hunk of metal that looks like something borg created on the other side of the room. I ask what it is and she tells me it's a computer with 3 cpu's in it and some other shit about it that I don't fully understand. I check it out and it's the fastest computer [even to this day] that I've ever used.

She wants to go to the mall and I live by the mall and walk with her up there. We stop at a garage sale. She buys some random things and I notice she doesn't have much money so I ask how much she has and it's not a lot. I tell her to keep a close grip on her money and we make it too the mall. I run into Brandon and he's being an asshole to her. he's not making fun of her but he doesn't get it: She's autistic. I'm trying to tell him but he's just not getting it. He leaves and says to come home whenever. She's upset and asks if I'm made at her. I give her a hug and kiss her and tell her I'm not made. I tell her she's wonderful and I like her.

I'm tired and want to go to sleep and she gets on the bus and goes home. I said I'd stop by to visit her again.

I go home and sleep.
3 weeks go by of me showing up at the temp agency everyday. i don't see her. A few of those days I went to her apartment complex but i forgot which apartment was hers. I felt really bad cause I liked her. She was really interesting to talk to. I guess it took a lot of patience talking to her, but she was always nice and always talked about really cool things. I feel horrible that I can't figure out which apartment is hers. I walk down her street everyday hoping maybe I'll see her again. I'm always at the temp agency cause I need work...

One day I run into her and her mom. I tell them I couldn't remember what apartment was theirs. her mom understands. And Angela tells me that she's moving out of the state to stay with her dad that day. I've got a little money on me and ask when she's leaving. Her mom tells me that she's leaving by the end of the day. At 7pm he's coming to pick her up. I ask if it's okay if I borrow her and take her out to lunch before she goes and her mom says she'd love it if I did.

We go to this hole in the wall place downtown cause they have good cheese sticks and she loved cheese sticks. I buy some with my limited funds and we talk and chat. Then I walked her home to her mom around 6 and we're in her room. She's showing me other hunks of metal. ugly pieces of circuitry and such that she's made. All of them are amazing and do some wonderful function. 7 rolls around and it's time for her to go. I give her a long hug and we kiss. I help her load her things into her dad's car.

He talks to me and gets to know me and thinks I'm a pretty cool guy. None of them had myspace and I didn't have a phone at the time. I give her my e-mail. I give her a hug and kiss her and then she gets in the car and drives away, out of state. VA, if I remember. I never see her again. We chatted for a while via e-mail. Eventually she found a boyfriend who was patient with her and liked her for her. We still talk once in a while. Not as much though.... *sigh*

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Chapter 0: It doesn't count... or does it count as half???

0.3 [okay, chronologically this would be 0.2 and 0.2 is actually 0.3.... but whatever].

I was living in Oberlin. I was 20 or 19... don't remember. I'd my first kiss with Molly at some party. I saw her around a few times, but never did anything else with her. I lost my V-card to Gabby. And there was the japanese chick. Risa... I'm pretty sure somewhere during down time when I gotta get my mind off shit I might mention Risa... Now is not that time.

All I'll say is that Risa would call me up at 3am every friday and saturday and we'd make out. She'd say her room mate was having sex in her dorm and ask to stay at my place. i never brought her over cause of my hyper christian brother and sister room mates... Looking back I wish I'd brought her over and fucked her.

So Risa and her friend Rena who she knew from Japan back in highschool were students at Oberlin College. I was just a guy who lived in town and went to LCCC [Lorain County Community College]. Risa called me up, sober for a change, and wanted me to go to a party with her. Safer sex night in the sco. You have to be an Oberlin College student to go there. I show up and find out I can't go in even if I pay cause I'm not an Oberlin college student. I'm annoyed about this. Risa's being a bitch. I go home and think and find out how to get in. There's always a way in.

I get a shirt that's basically and american flag made into a T-Shirt
Random note: September 11th 2001 I woke up late for school and was, for a change, concerned about what to wear to school. I found my american flag shirt and blue jeans. and some white shoes with blue and red trim. I wore that to school that day. I was late and walked around and wondered why people would look at my shirt and cry. I went to my first class and there was news footage of what had happened. I remembered that my Bio teacher said that the FAA center in Oberlin ohio was something like #3 on Sadam's hitlist of shit to destroy in America since it was the busiest center in the US for Air Traffic control. My dad worked there and I asked him about it one day and he said that pretty much it's the busiest center and at work they were told that it was on Sadam's hit list. A lot of his co-workers had written wills out after hearing this.

So... 9/11... a building about a half mile away that's really high on a terrorist hit list. Half a mile from my school... I left class and went to the office and called home to try to get out of school. No one was home [cause my dad was called into work that day to help with that whole "land every plan in the air NOW!!!!" thing and all the new workers were sent home]. I found my friends and we climbed out the fucking window and went as far away from the FAA as we could to a friends house who lived on the other side of town. Cause, fuck that shit!

The center was never bombed [obviously]. and the next day I went to school my principal asked me about it all and I explained and didn't get in any trouble. Nor did my friends or the random kids I'd convinced to skip school. She actually thanked me for doing that.


Anyway, Risa's pissing me the fuck off and I'm wearing my AMERICA shirt. Fuck yeah.
I go to SSN [Safer sex night] and camp outside until a girl and a guy are leaving and I ask if I can get their wrist bands [which were made of plastic] they make out and giggle and say sure and cut them off and give'em to me. I find my friend Frank Olivas who's also trying to get in and ask if he's got a lighter. He gives me a lighter and says "I thought you didn't smoke." I say I don't and I put a wrist band around his wrist and weld it together using the lighter and then do the same on my arm. I tell him to make sure they never see the weld marks. We stroll into SSN and start getting hammered drunk.

I find out the only rules for dress is that your nipples and genitals are covered up. I found this out cause I'd taken off my shirt to be the sexy shirtless guy for my costume. Someone has a lable maker so I make two that say "TOO HOT" and "OUT OF CONTROL!" and use black electric tape to tape over my nipples and I put the lables on the tape. People think this is funny as well.

I'm dancing with some random chick and we're making out and I put my hands in her pants and start fingering her. She puts her hands down my pants and we make out and play with each other for a while. Then I ask if she wants to go in the other room. She doesn't want to so we keep playing with each other and then we stop dancing and she's dancing with some other guy and he starts fucking her in the middle of the dance floor. A lot of people were doing that. I go in the other room and they're handing out lube and condoms and all sorts of shit. I stock up on it all. I get depressed over random girl and leave.

I go home and hide the box under my bed and go to sleep.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Chapter 0.4 Taggity tag tag tag!!!! and the stolen book.

At this point in my life a few things hear are relevant to know.
When I moved in to my sisters house I would go to the library often. I'd check out things like Iron man comics [Hyper Velocity story arc is worth a read], the art of war [good read], chess problems, a history of time [by mr hawkings], body language, Random books I picked out the new release section, etc.. At some point I got every issue of Death Note and the Novel as well. I had roughly $150 worth of books checked out. I finished the Death note books [as did my sister and little brother]. I turned those in. I finished the Death note novel and my sister hadn't read it yet. They had to order it from a different library. I wanted to turn that shit in but my sister said she wanted to read it.

I pleaded that it's on my library card and I'm responsible and I want to turn it in. She guilt tripped me into letting her read it and take possession of it. I fell for this even though I didn't think well of the idea. She had that and my Psychology book and a few others in her car cause she was abusing the guilt trip thing. She hit a deer and got stopped by a cop cause of the cracked windshield. The cop realized she had no lisense and towed her car... he car with my books in it.

she got the car back and wasn't aloud to drive for a while. The only books that remained were the Psych book and the Death note novel. Everything else was stolen. I didn't even borther turning them in cause I was never goign to be able to pay back the fines I owed to the Library. It would've been $100 if I turned them in. Without turning them in it was $130 something.


I got a library Card at Lakewood Library. it was a pain to walk that far to check out books. One day I had checked out the DSM-IV [a book about mental disorders that's used by hospitals and in the psychiatric field] and a few others. I had been kicked out by my sister for something like I didn't wash the dishes [apple doesn't fall far...]. I was at a coffee shop and in my backpack I had all my books, my red pants [part of my peacocking that night with Courtney #10] and a few other clothes. I was on my way to my mom's house.

I went to the bathroom and when I came back my backpack was gone. i looked and looked and couldn't find it. I eventually just got on the bus and went to Lorain. I did eventually spot my backpack at the coffee shop. Someone else had it so I emptied it's contents and reclaimed it but there were no books. the guy said he didnt' know who's it was and took it. I should've cussed his ass out and stole his shit and sold it to pay back the library... no I was nice. I asked what he did with my shit. He said he threw it away, the pants and the books. I told him how much a DSM [any version] is worth. I insinuated that he owed me but never directly stated it. I was too nice. He got off easy. I felt worse about people...


Lakewood... I couldn't even used the computers cause of fines.
They sent people to my sisters to look for me and get the books back. they really wanted that DSM.

So I still went to Lakewood library and would try to read books within the library. I'd hide the books behind the shelves so no one would check them out. Then one day I noticed there weren't censors at the door. I noticed none of the books had magnetic censors either. Not a single book. I observed that when people checked books out the librarian didn't slide it on the magnet to deactivate the strips. Hmm...

One day I was reading a book about how to give a girl the perfect orgasm. I had other books, how to get anyone to do what you want [pretty good book], Practical kung fu [also great], and more. That day someone was downstairs screaming and yelling. The cops showed up and he was cussing at them and screaming and yelling and going wild.

This is after the suicide attempt. This is when I'm at my sisters again. After living with Skelly and the other career criminals. There was a plan I told Everyone when I lived with Skelly. they kept getting arrested. No one but me was willing to make an honest dollar. I came up with a plan. Low risk.

I go to the food court and get myself something to eat. I enjoy a nice meal and then Mikey shows up with his girlfriend [who, btw is oblivious to our plan]. I walk up to Mikey's girlfriend and talk to her like I fucked her last night and I'm blunt about it all. Mikey get's offended and tries to speak and I cut him off and get louder telling this girl how good her pussy was. This girl who's never met me. She's confused and Mikey pretends he's angry. He's getting a little loud and says I didn't fuck his girl. That's when I show him a picture on me phone and say "Well how do you think I got this picture?" and he looks at it while she's still confused and he looks at her and says "Bitch are you fucking cheatin' on me!!" She's confused about it all and wants to see the picture. He angrily hands me my phone back and screams at her. We escalate and get louder and louder in the middle of the food court. We are providing quality entertainment for all. It's like a jerry springer episode happening right there in real life. Everyone will go home and tell their friends about the crazy shit they saw in the mall. Some people might video tape up. All eyes and ears will be focused on Mikey, his Girlfriend, and I. Nothing else will matter at that moment. People love drama.

Before any of this happens I'll show up via bus. Mikey will get a ride from his girlfriend. Jeff, Red, Skelly, and Teddy will get a ride from Teddy's girl. Them. Everyone who's not involved in the Jerry springer shit will get bags from stores. Empty bags. Stored that sell expensive shit, like best buy, diamond stores, gamestop, etc.. The largest ones they can find. They'll have boxes to put in these bags. Boxes with a few rocks to weight them down a little. They'll have on gloves so they don't leave prints. They'll go to the food court and see me sitting down eating. They'll sit next to someone else with a bag that's like theirs. They'll show up at the scheduled time.

Me and Mikey will put on a show. While everyone is watching us, Teddy, Skelly, Jeff, and Red will swap bags and get up and leave. They'll head to the car and drive away to the meet up spot. Security will break up me and Mikey and Mikey will go off with his girlfriend and act angry and get dropped off near the meet up spot. I'll walk ride the bus to the meet up spot. We'll get in the car and drive out to another mall and everythign that was paid for with cash and still has a receipt we'll return for cash. Things paid for with Credit and things without receipts we'll keep and either sell or keep for ourselves.

That was the plan.

So I'm int he library and the cops are arresting someone and it's really loud and obnoxious. I walk to the bathroom while everyone watches this guy get arrested. I put all the books in my back pack. Then I leave out the back door.


And then there was tagged.
I'd met girl #19 on tagged. The slutty one I set up with my friend.
I fucked her in skelly's place.

I meet some other girl on tagged and my sister's gone for a week. She comes over and we're watching a movie. I cuddle up with her and she's cuddling and all. I take her top off and remember something I read. I remember Colleen. Colleen was uncomfortable when she was topless. The book about giving a girl an orgasm said to make sure everything is even clothing wise otherwise girls feel uncomfortable. I notice this girl is starting to but I take off my shirt too and she seems fine after that.

Hmm... I think.
I follow the rest of the book. I lead her into the bed room while she's topless and start with step 1.
Step 1. Massage her back. I massage her back.
Step 2. massage her arms.
Step 3. rub her tummy a little bit.
Step 4. gently massage her tits. gentle start at the base and move as if you're trying to squeeze out milk.. remember to be gentle. This is very sensual and massages the tits.
Step 5 massage her upper legs and keep in mind the ass is part of this.
Step 6. Lower legs.
Step 7. Remove her pants and massage just about her vagina and rub the spot on her tummy that just above this, this will make her horny.
Step 8. put your hand over her vagina so she can feel the warmth but don't go inside. if she tries putting your hand in there don't let her. keep this up until you can't stand it anymore, not when she can't.
Step 9. rub her clit. Grab her hand and put it on yours and let her move it around so you get a feel for how she wants you to rub it.
Step 10. hold her with your other arm and go deep inside until you feel something that's like soapy water. Gently rub this. This is an area she can't reach cause her arms are connected at her shoulders and she can only go so far. Your hands and arms aren't connected to her so you can go all the way.
Step 11 keep rubbing this area and sthe vagina will start convulsing and she'll start going nuts and make sure you hold her hand. She'll clench yours like she's giving birth and she'll moan like crazy. Keep at this and give her a few orgasms.

I followed all of this and she was going nuts. She almost fell off the bed from it. She was going wild. Then I went to slide my dick inside of her and she didn't want to. She didn't even suck my dick. We hung out and watched a movie.

Later she said "You don't think I'm a selfish bitch do you?" and I ask her why she said that.
"well you got me off a lot!! and I didn't even give you a hand job. I didn't wanna have sex cause you already got me off."
"Well, yeah, you are kinda selfish for that. You should've at least sucked my dick and returned the favor."
She said she didn't want to. I had tired her out.

She left and went to her car. I never called her again. I thought she was a selfish fucking bitch for that.

However, the next girl I was with was Rose. I did all of this to rose and she's do anything I asked her to do. She said the sex was amazing. After we broke up and she got with someone else she still said I was the best in bed.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Well. All the chapter 0's are done. But really do they count? I never counted it unless I had sex with a girl.

I guess Chapter 25 is in order. After that one things get really foggy. So I'll stop numbering the chapters. I don't know how many girls I've fucked here in Detroit. Hopefully I'll get caught up to Present day pretty soon.

I was dating Rose and living with my mom. Darshawn was still upset and depressed that Rose broke up with him. He didn't know I was dating her either.

Darshawn would come over and want to play Marvel 3 with me and Zach. He'd talk to us about girl issues and Zach would drop really strong hints that I was dating Rose, cause he's an asshole. But he'd never directly state it. This was his little joke and kept him entertained for a while. Mike would drop hints too. I dropped a few of my own.

Like he'd talk about Rose and what she's like and I'd say that I would like a girl like that. Then he'd say that she's innocent and a virgin and I'd say this probably wasn't true and try to convince him otherwise.

One day he wanted to hang out with me. I didn't know why really. He picks me up and we go somewhere and play Marvel 3 all night. he drops me off at home and says I'm one of his best friends and I say "I've got crazy trust issues man... I don't wanna be rude or anything but I distance myself from people and feel as if Zach's my only friend." He looked sad and said he understood.

Fuck... Now I'm his friend.

One day I'm at my sisters. I go to the coffee shop. Darshawn went to my sisters to hang out with Mike and Zach and play Marvel 3. While at the shop he's on facebook, Darshawn. He's talking about how he made a cake for some girl. A few weeks ago he came over my house and watched Napoleon Dynamite with Zach, Mike, and I. There's a scene where Napoleon asks pedro what to do about a girl and Pedro says "I don't know, back her a cake or something." and he does and it's a joke in the movie.

A few weeks ago after we watched the Movie Darshawn asks me about some girl and what to do. Some girl, Leah. I say "I don't know, bake her a cake or something." I thought he knew it was a joke... apparently not.

I ask how things are working out with that girl and he's excited and happy. I know he's fucking it up. But he's not thinking of Rose. I tell him I'm dating Rose. He asks where I am. I tell him. He says he's going to kill me. I tell him it's not that big a deal, he only dated her for a day. He's no longer online.

He'll show up in 20mins I assume. I think about how he's so depressed and lonely. He never gets girls. He's tried to commit suicide a lot of times. And his friends treat him like shit. I then play a game of cards and he shows up and walks past me looking angry. I stand up and he eventually turns around and see's me. I've decided now. What I need to do.

He walks up to me and says we're going outside. I say, no we aren't. I take his hand off of me. He grabs me again and I want to grab his fingers and break them, I want to kick him in the knees, I was to break his ribs. I focus and take his hands off me and tell him we aren't going outside. He starts to walk away. I sit down and give him and open shot at my face. He gets mad and punches me and walks away. I want to follow him. I want to give him a broken jaw and black eye. I don't.

My friends get up and they're going to go and kick his ass. I tell them "He never get's laid, he's suicidal, and he's cronically depressed. Just let him leave." They sit back down.


Weeks go by and me and Rose and fucking pretty much every day. If she does something nice for me I kiss her or fuck her. She starts doing more and more nice things and we're fucking sometimes 3 times a day. She's nervous about trying new things like anal or blow jobs. I just tell her it's okay whenever she's ready. She's enjoying all the new things we try and wants to try more like sex outdoors.

She likes when I tell her stories and she heard my sister had a fake facebook and I used to have fake myspace accounts. She wants me to make another fake one and we can pretend it's our really cool French friend. I Make one and name the girl Ciel. It's a hot french chick.

One day I go to fight night with Zach and his girlfriend. Someone tells Darshawn I'm there cause they want to see drama. I wasn't aware of this. He texts me saying "Fuck Rose." I respond "I already did. how's your night coming along?" He tells me I'm an asshole and that he tried to commit suicide and tries to guilt trip me. I say "I've tried suicide before. I was responsible for how I felt. I let my emotions get to where they were and I made my own decisions. No one else put those pills in my mouth. It was my hand that got them there. If you want to kill yourself it's you that's taking action, not me. Back then even as I was depressed that a girl didn't like me and I lost my job and things weren't working out I knew it was me who was putting pills in my mouth. Not them. I am not responsible for what you do with your life and the actions you take."

He doesn't respond.
he shows up and I walk away. I don't want trouble. Not when everyone worked so hard to get fight night in this bar. He follows me and punches me in the face. I walk away. and people are holding me down, I calming tell them to let go and that I was just assaulted but never hit back and didn't even instigate it. They let me go and I walk to the front of the bar and await Matt. Eventually he'll be there and I'll talk to him.

Matt shows up and tells me to get out of the bar. I tell him I was just assaulted, calmly. He interupts and says "You're causing trouble" and pushes me and says "Get the fuck out of here." I walk away and he's pushing me on my back as I walk out. I turn around and give him an intense stare and grab his fingers and say calmly "I'm already leaving the bar. Do not touch me again. If you touch me again I will break your fucking fingers. I will hit you out of self defense. I just got attacked and you're treating me like I started a bar fight when I walked away. And now I'm walking away and out of the bar and you're pushing me as I'm complying with you. Do it again and..." I twist his fingers a direction fingers aren't supposed to bend and notice him Whence a little "...You get the idea." I turn around and keep walking and leave.

I'm pissed that I respected them and all their accomplishments. I wanted to hit Darshawn back. I didn't only cause it would be bad for the scene. And if the owner of the bar found out people were starting bar fights at these things it would get shut down. It was shaky enough already. Also less people would wanna show up if they felt unsafe about it. And they kicked me out?

While I was outside Manny, the guy who started fight night, texts me and says that I'm banned for a week and so is Darshawn and that I need to apologize on the facebook page before I can come back. I text back "Suck my dick. I'm not apologizing for getting punched in the face. I'm not apologizing for NOT defending myself so that I would avoid a bar fight and bad press for YOU. I'm not apologizing for being respectful to all the work you did to get in the bar. Actually I'm calling the police and pressing charges on Darshawn, I'm sure it will work out well for Fight night if the police show up at the bar. I bet the owner of the bar will really love that. P.S. fuck you."

I call the police and press charges. Darshawn is cussing me out calling me a bitch while the police put him in the back of the car. Manny walks over to say something to me "Don't you say a fucking word to me. I stuck my neck out for you assholes and this is how you treated me. Fuck you. If you're telling me I'm welcomed back, fuck you, I don't want to ever hang out with scumbag losers like you. You aren't worth the dirt on my feet." He says nothing and walks away.

Zach's girlfriend doesn't feel like leaving and wont give me a ride. She says I should just stay in the car. I talk to Zach and he agree's with his girlfriend. It starts to rain and it's getting colder. Eric, a guy who thinks this is all bullshit leaves early and gives me a ride home.

And hour later Zach texts asking where I am. I don't respond. He keeps asking if I'm alright or where I'm at. I don't want to talk to him. I'm angry at him. He comes home and see me on the couch playing Marvel 3 and he's saying something to me. I ignore him. He picks up the controller and wants to play. I don't acknowledge this and keep practicing in practice mode as if he's not there. He's trying to be nice now and I ignore him. He says sorry and I say nothing. I'm done playing and I get something to drink from the fridge and I go to sleep.


Darshawn is sending me e-mails. I ignore them. They're all him saying how much of a bitch ass pussy I am and how he kicked my ass. He's on my friends facebook and he's talking to me on the chat saying I'm a bitch nigga and I'm a pussy and he kicked my ass. I ignore him. He sends me more e=mails. A week of this nonsense I respond "Meet me in the park down the street from my house. Come alone. We'll "discus" a few things."

He says that fighting is retarded. I say "You weren't saying that a week ago. You told me how you kicked my ass and how much of a bitch I am. Meet me in the park, let's have a talk. 2am works. The park will be empty and you'll be driving by to drop Zach off from fight night. "

He says fighting is Neanderthal shit. That he had his tough guy moment but he realized it's stupid. I tell him to stop bragging about how he kicked my ass if he's afraid to fight and to leave me alone.

Another week goes by and he's still talking shit to me. I subscribe him to various gay porn websites with his e-mail, a few over 70 porn sites with old ladies, some bestiality porn site, a site for women dealing with menopause [had tips for older women's health], and more. He says I'm a faggot. I subscribe him to gay pride newletters and send him links about the gay pride movement and articles about hate crimes and horror stories about gays who's been beaten and mistreated for being gay and say "You're a biggot, that's far worse than being a faggot. You have a closed mind. You're afraid to fight me and you lie and try to act like it's beneath you. You weren't afraid to fight when I wouldn't hit back. You never get laid and it's clear why. You don't love or care about any of these girls, you're just so lonely and depressed and emotionally needy that every thing you say and do is an attempt to have a girl there for you. You jumped from Emily, to Rose, to Leah, and they all think you're a creepy stalker. Call me a faggot all you want, but remember who's getting pussy and who's never had any."

He says he's not a biggot and that gay people are fine and that he's not afraid to fight me it's just that fighting is silly. I tell him to shut the fuck up and stop talking shit about how he kicked my ass then.

Another week, he's still talking shit.

I had changed Ciels interest 2 weeks ago. She likes every video game Darshawn likes and even the same anime's. It's blindingly obvious she's fake. To a tee her interests are all of his. This is my hint for him. Her name is Ciel after Ciel from the Megaman Zero series, which Darshawn knows is my favorite game. This is another hint for him. I'm on her friends list and so is Rose. Yet another hint. This should be obviously fake. I add Darshawn as a friend.

He's talking to her and she's being flirty with him. It's repulsive talking to him as Ciel. When I talked to him in the past as myself he'd say funny things here and there and laugh and joke. He wouldn't agree with everything I said either. When Ciel talks to him and says all the same things I would say he agrees with everything she says. When I'd normally talk to him if I stopped talking for 15 minutes he still wouldn't ask if I was there. With Ciel it only takes a few seconds before he's asking if she's still there or if he did something wrong. Ciel reassures him that she's very interested in him and think's he's cute.

3 days pass. he's still talking shit to me and he's saying how he found some really hot chick who's hotter than Rose and she's really into him. He's bragging that I can't get girls like he can. Mike and Zach are telling me that Darshawn wont stop talking about this hot french chick he met on facebook. Zach's laughing and saying "Darshawn said she's got all the same interests as him and she's got the same name as that one bitch from megaman zero." Mike says he doesn't think Darshawns going to get laid at all. Zach's laughing his ass off and says "He showed me her facebook page, I noticed all her interests are identical to his when she talks it's a lot like you, Nick." Mike gets it and starts laughing too.

Mike says he wont tell and wants to know why I'm doing this. Zach tells me "Just wait. Something fucked up is going to happen."

Ciel tells Darshawn to meet her at the park [same one down the street from my house] at 11:30pm. She says to bring condoms and put them underneath the slide and that she'll be wearing black pants and a blue hooded sweatshirt sitting on a bench. Darshawn doesn't think this is weird at all. Ciel says she's got to go do a few things but she's looking forward to seeing Darshawn. He asks what kind of Condoms to get and she says it doesn't matter and she can't wait to use them .

I get home and Zach's on his phone talking to Darshawn on facebook and Mike comes over. Zach starts laughing his ass off and show's mike a message he got from Darshawn. Mikes kinda laughing a little bit. Then Zach points to me and Mike says "Nice hoodie. I like the blue, goes well with the black pants and black shoes." and he's laughing his ass off too.

Rose comes over and my sister too. 11pm rolls around and I have it all planned out. I'm going to sit on the Bench with my back turned from the direction Darshawn will arrive. He'll walk up to me and Nervously ask if I'm Ciel and say he put the condoms underneath the slide. I'll turn around and take my hood down and say "Surprise motherfucker!!" He'll be in shock and I'll kick his ass. After I beat him up I'll grab the condoms from underneath the slide and yell out "I really can't wait to use these. Guess who I'm using them on?" Then I'll laugh an evil laugh and I'll walk away as Darshawn cries.

My sister finds out about my plan. She tells me I'm fucked up. She says I shouldn't do that and that Darshawn will try to kill himself again. maybe he'll actually try this time instead of the pussy ass shit like melatonin [really?, that's not going to kill you]. I stop and think about it and realize that I'm an asshole for this. What I'm about to do is wrong. i really want to do it, but it's such a horrible thing. My sister asks me "When you were 21 and came to protect us from dad this is not something you would do is it? When you were learning how to fight to protect yourself from dad was it to do things like this?" i say "No. It wasn't. This is something I'd never imagine myself doing back then."

I go on facebook. Darshawn is online. He instantly notices Ciel is online and messages "Hi cutie. I'm almost at the park and I have the condoms "
I respond "This is Nick. Ciel isn't real."
He says "I know it was you the whole time."
me: Sure you did. I made it obvious for you. All the interests were yours. Ciel is the name of a character from my favorite game. Every idea about life and philosophy Ciel has are identical to my own idea's. She even plays my team in MvC3. I'm sure you must've been aware.
him: Well, yeah. I was just trolling you. I knew the whole time, cause you made it obvious.
me: I'm only stopping this cause I feel bad for you. Leave me alone and stay the fuck out of my life. I might not be so nice next time. Rose is getting a restraining order on you, I already have one cause of the police report. You aren't legally aloud to talk to me. If you say another word I WILL report it.

He says nothing more.

Zach and Mike are disappointed, they wanted some shit to go down.
two people I still talked to from fight night knew it was fake. Darshawn keeps saying he knew all along but he was just playing along with everyone cause it was funny. The two people I still talk to from fight night say he wasn't really excited and telling them how he'd bought the condoms and was meeting this girl in the park. one of them saw him at the store buying condoms that night with a big smile on his face. No one believes him.


He doesn't bother me anymore.
Zach tells him not to get on my bad side cause our sister isn't always there to be my conscience.


And things will get worse. This is roughly the middle of Chapter 25.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Chapter 25 part 2.
Darshawn stopped bugging me and didn't talk about me much, from what I heard. He stopped showing up to where Rose worked and following her around also.

I was annoyed that Rose was okay with me going to beat the living tar out of the kid.
I wasn't liking what I was becoming either. At some point my mom, as usual, flipped out and kicked me out of the house. I figured that was a good time to take care of a legal matter.

A few years back I went to jail cause I'd been accused of stealing a t-shirt. I stayed for about a day before I got out on a personal bond [you just write your signature]. I wanted to go to court and settle the matter right then and there, but my mother kicked me out of the house and I didn't care for being homeless so I'd moved to Detroit and stay with my grandmother. When I was living in cleveland a friend had got stopped by the Police while driving one day near Lorain County, where the incident happened. I was put in jail and stayed for about 2 months. Charles and Celia bailed me out and I stayed at Charles house for 3 days before I went back to Cleveland at my sisters [that was when Charles wanted me to do the mma thing with him.].

I went to all of my court dates and ended up not guilty with probable cause [whatever the hell that means. I think it means I had motive to steal but they couldn't prove it]. I was no longer smoking [after spending 2 months without, you kinda don't care anymore]. and my sister kicked me out and I was staying at Skellys.

Well, that day I called the cops on Darshawn at fight night I found out the case was re-opened. The police ran my name and said there was a warrant for my arrest but since we were in Cleveland and Elyria was so far away they didn't bother driving me out there.


So now my mom kicked me out. I knew about this Warrant. I figured now's as good a time as any to take care of it. I needed someone to sleep. I turned myself in and I was only there for about 2 hours before they released me and gave me a court date. They said since I turned myself in willingly I clearly wanted to settle the matter and they didn't need to hold me.

And I was back outside. It was getting a little cold. Too late for a homeless shelter and I hate shelters anyway. I didn't want to bother with any friends. So I slept underneath a set of stairs in an apartment complex. Rose meets me at the Mall on her way to school the next day. She's upset that I'm homeless and I say "It's really not that big of a deal."
She says I should ask my mom to let me come back and I say "It's best if I don't. Like clockwork she'll eventually feel bad she kicked me out and then say she knows I'm trying and she'll tell me she wants me to move back in. If I say yes she might kick me out again relatively soon. If I say no she'll plead more. If I ignore her she'll plead more than if I say no. So when she inevitably asks me to come back I'll say no and stay out here for roughly 3 more days. Then she'll come and find me and cry and tell me she feels like a bad mother and I'll move back in and things will work out for 2 months at the very least. Usually a year before she flips out again, which gives me time to look for a job again."

Rose says I should still ask her. I tell her I've known my mom longer than her and understand how she work. Rose says she could ask her parents if I can stay over at her place. I tell her "Please don't. That is not going to end well at all." She says she wont.

I fuck the shit out of her in her car at school, cause she bought me McDonalds. She smiles and says that it's a great way to start the day before school.


I'm in Lorain at the library refreshing my memory on building a shelter in the woods. I buy some supplies to make cookies and go to Roses house and bake the cookies and put them in a bag and go to school with her and sell all the cookies and make $100. I use the money to buy weed at my friend's house and we bake weed cookies. I buy some alcohol and crash at his place for the night. The next day I go to school with Rose [college btw, she was 19 and I was 27]. I have a two signs set up at a table. One says $5 and the other says $1.

The $5 sign is set in front of a plate of cookies and the $1 is set in front of a seemingly identical plate of cookies. The college students ask "Why are these cookies $5?" I say "Cause they'll make you want to eat more of the $1 cookies." People keep buying the $5 cookies and then they come back and buy $10's worth of $1 cookies. That day I made $300 before Rose gave me a ride back to Lorain. I fucked her silly after she gave me a ride and after we were done I said "Thank's for the ride."

I build a shelter in the woods and take my clothes to the Laundromat. I'm at the Library when Rose says she wants me to come over her house. I go over there and her dad wants to talk to me. He's asking me about being Homeless and telling me I need to call my dad. I tell him I know my dad will just say I can't stay in his place right now. He's getting mad at me and telling me that I need to be reasonable and at least try to call my dad and he hands me a phone and tells me to call him. I tell him it's rather pointless to call my dad, that I know what he'll say. He says I should call my mom then. I tell him that's not going to work out either.

Eventually I call my dad so this jackass stops bitching at me. My dad says what I know he's going to say "Right now you're just going to have to tough it out, I don't have room for you up here. Try to talk to your mom and patch things up." I tell him "Mom is going insane as usual, that's not going to work." He still says no, I can't stay.

I call my mom and she cusses me out and says I'm a horrible person. I tell Rose's dad "They said exactly what I knew they would say. I've known them all my life." He's demanding that I tell him where I've been staying. I claim I've been staying at a buddies house and helping him around the house. Rose says that I've been living in a shelter I made in the woods and now her Dad is furious that I lied to him. He says I need to go to a homeless shelter and stay there. I say "I'd rather not. I have clean clothes and I'm making money selling baked goods. Eventually I'll get a job and make enough money to get my own place." He says it's not good enough and demands that Rose takes me to a shelter.

Rose takes me to a shelter. Before I go in she wants to have sex. I tell her I'm not in the mood for that and leave the car. She gives me a hug and tries to kiss me and I say "I don't really want to right now." and I go in the shelter. She's texting asking if I'm mad at her. I say yes and that I really didn't want to go to a shelter nor did I want her to tell her parents my situation. That I'll work things out eventually.

Next time I see Rose she's apologizing for what she did and offers to give me a blow job. I tell her I'm not in the mood. Then she buys me Wendy's and gets me orange juice and says sorry again. I kiss her, once. I go to the school and make $100 that day. Since I was in the shelter I didn't get to bake cookies at my friends house. I mean if I was there I'd get to bake and then I might have to crash in my forest house, but I'd have cookies to sell. Now I ran out early and just played Video games afterwards.


My mom had told me she was sorry and went to find me and begged me to come home. She was begging more than usual so I went home that day and Rose was there when it happened. She said "I guess you do know her really well." I say "I have to know her well." The weekend comes and I go out to my sisters house, Rose gives me a ride. AFter she gives me a ride out there I fuck her silly again and say thanks for the ride. And we watch a movie and she's smiling and saying that she missed having sex. We have sex again and go to the coffee shop, then she goes home.

She tells me her dad was angry she drove me out there and that she's not aloud to pick me up. But she comes and picks me up anyway. We have crazy sex and I nut on her face [she loves that]. Then we hang out for a bit and she drives me home.


My sister and I go to Detroit to visit my dad for a week. When I get back home Rose says her dad took her car keys from her and she's not aloud to drive except for running errands, going to school and going to work. Then she says she's breaking up with me. I don't really care... I never really liked her that much. I stop talking to her and she keeps wanting to talk. I tell her it's okay if she broke up with me. She says her dad said it was cause I lived with my mom, didn't have a job, and was having sex with her. I say her dad's a racist piece of shit and that her sister is dating a white guy who she's obviously having sex with, that has no job, and lives with his parents. She thinks about it and says "Well that's different." I tell her I don't care and I don't wanna talk to me if she doesn't get that.


At an anime con I run into a few of her friends and they're saying that she's really upset we're broken up. I say "She broke up with me." and Zach, Mike, and Me find out about three tournaments. MvC3, Smash bros Brawl, and Street fighter 4. We decided we'd enter all of them since it was free. The next day, the day of the tournaments we wake up late and miss Smash Bro.s but we enter the MvC3 tourney and come in first 2nd and third and win, collectively,$75. Then we get $75 more from Street fighter 4 and we buy a lot of alcohol and get trashed at the con. I've got a Wendy's cup that's filled with Four loco and I'm playing Smash bro.s.

The guy who'd won the tournament [the one that we missed] is waiting to play next and he's talking about the game like he's an expert on it. He says something really stupid and I say "No... to get out of pikachu's down smash you just DI up and away." He says "You're drunk and beligerent what the hell do you know." Now this match I was in was free for all [a battle royal] and everyone had 3 lives. 4 people fighting every man for themselves. The match had just ended and I tell him "Yes, I am drunk. However I just got 9 kills and haven't died once. In case you're not aware, this means I'm the ONLY person to kill anyone during this match." I hand him the 4th place guys controller [who ever dies first gives up their controller] and say "Anyway, you're next. I don't need words to settle this." He slams the controller on the ground and goes and complains to the staff that I'm drunk.

The staff comes in and asks if I'm drunk I say "Yes, I sure am. I'm also 27." The staff guy laughs and says "What was that guys problem away?" I say "I don't know, he was bragging about winning the tournament and then didn't want to play me after I won the last match." and the staff guy says "Man, what a fucking loser. I mean you're drunk and he won the tournament. I'm guessing you didn't enter that tourney." I say "no, I work up late so I only got to play MvC3 and Street fighter. I was 2nd in MvC and 1st in streetfighter. My younger brother was 1st in MvC and 2nd in streetfighter. And our friend Mike was 3rd in both." He laughs and says "You guys were the competition." Then he wanders off.

I go downstairs and see some cute girls by the piano. I start playing it and we're chatting and flirting. We're taking turns playing different video game songs. The smash bros champ shows up and starts talking to the girls I'm talking to. He's saying how lame I am and that I'm drunk. I say "Well, yeah it's pretty obvious I'm drunk and keep chatting with the girls." I ignore him and start making out with one of them. He's trying to talk to the one I'm not making out with and he's talking about how much of an asshole I am. She glares at him and then starts making out with me and then says "He seems pretty sweet to me." My little brother comes over and he's trashed.

He looks at the guy and says "Are you trying to cock block my brother cause you rage quit in smash bros?" I say "He never rage quit. You have to actually play in order to quit. He rage forfeit." The girls laugh and Zach's laughing too. Then the guy punches me in the face and storms off. Two guys restrain me. They're in plain clothes and I don't know who they are so I slam the one on the ground and roll up into a fighting stance and then another comes from behind me and restrains me and says they're security. I say "Why the hell are you holding me down? I'm the one who got punched in the face asshole." Then it dawns on me that that guy was white, I'm black, all the security is white I was just making out with two white chicks and we're in westlake a town that's predominantly white.

The cops show up and put me in hand cuffs. I tell them I'm the one who was assaulted and they tell me to shut the fuck up and slam me in the back of the car. Our friends tell the cops that I was the victim and that the other guy assaulted me. They write him a ticket. A fucking ticket!! seriously. Fucking seriousfuckingly. A ticket for assault. I get hauled off to jail for public intox and resisting arrest.

While i'm in there the cops are telling me what a horrible asshole I am. I say not a word to them. One is trying to chat with me. I'm silent. When I'm in the cell they ask me a few questions and I give all the basic shit and they ask what happened and I say "I'm not saying shit until I see a lawyer. You're all racist scumbags. Your job is to serve and protect." The keep telling me I'm a horrible person and demanding that I talk and give a statement. I'm silent. i say not a word until I'm bailed out by Ryo.

When I'm walking out I see Zach in a cell as well. Zach tells me that him and Mike came to bail me out and the police just arrested them for underage consumption the moment they showed up. Mike wasn't drunk. They didn't give them any sobriety test. Ryo is obviously drunk, but he's white. He bailed us out of jail. He was with Cynthia, Zach's girlfriend. I'm thinking . o O ( I still don't trust Ryo, this changes nothing.).

We go and stay at our friend Kevins and the next day we run into Doug and Kyle. Kyle says he tried to bail us out after Zach and Mike got arrested and that he was drunk off his ass. He didn't have enough money for our bail so I left. He didn't get arrested though. Doug says that they just wrote the other guy a ticket and said to him "That man you hit clearly had it coming. Scum like him need to be locked up." Doug called the cops out for being Racist and they said "When people of color act out we arrest them just like anyone else. I'm not racist."

My mom screams at me when I'm at home. She says I'm a horrible person for getting arrested. I tell her what happened and she's just being a bitch. Eventually she calms the fuck down.


Rose keeps talking to me and wants to get back together with me. I tell her I don't want to.
My court date is coming up. And I had an interview where Rose worked and she put in a good word for me. I also had an interview down the street where my buddy worked and he said I can move into his place with him when I get a job and that I'll be on the lease. Everythings about to work out. It was mother's day and my mom asks to use my phone. She always talks for hours and hours and my phone is a prepaid phone. I'm low on minutes and running out of cash. I need to budget my money. I also need to be able to hear back from these jobs.

I tell her no. That I can't let her use it. She says she wants to call my sister and she where she's at. I know she'll call Celia, then she'll call 5 other people and waste all my minutes. I'm not stupid. I tell her "I can't let you use my phone. My minutes are low right now." She grabs a kitchen knife and threatens to stab me. I'm in the kitchen and she's blocking the only way out of the kitchen and I tell her to put down the knife. That I can't let her use the phone. That I need my minutes. She's screaming at me and telling me to give her the goddamn phone. She's jittering around too much for me to disarm her. I don't know if I'll get stabbed or not.

I grab a plate and throw it against the wall. She's looking in shock and I grab the knife hand and disarm her and toss the knife behind me. I go in the other room and grab a back pack I have set up [for years I've been doing this, where I set up a back pack filled with everything I need incase I get kicked out and have to go right away.]. When I come in the living room to leave out of the door she's sitting in front of it on the phone screaming at me "I just called the fucking police. You assaulted me and you're going to go to jail!!!"

I know if I get out of the house and far away and never run into the cops she'll calm down and wont further this issue. I'll be out of the house for a while, but I wont get arrested. I need to get out of this door and make it to Doug and Kyles before things get worse. I open the door and she's trying to make sure I can't. I get it open and I sprint down the stairs.

I climb the fence in the back yard and dash through the neighbors yard and make it to a back alley... it was too open and to bright outside. I didn't have cover but once I cleared the alley way Doug's house was just around the corner. I couldn't risk running that would draw attention to me, instead I casually walked and then there's a cop car. I get stopped. I'm thinking . o O (If I run I have no way of escaping and getting out of site fast enough.... fuck).

The cop asks my name and asks why I'm leaving. I tell him it's cause my mom tried to stab me. So I'm going to a friends house. I get handcuffs and I'm put in the back of the car. Then we're back at my mom's house while I'm in the car so she can identify me. I'm thinking . o O (Tan pants, blue hoody, blonde hair. Not many people fit that description... just me... Fuck my mom. I shouldn't have to worry about things like blending in to avoid the bullshit she throws my way. No matter what I'm never speaking to her again for the rest of my life. ).

A female cop comes over and I'm thinking . o O (This is fucking great. Domestic violence report and now I have a female cop... wonderful). I'm thinking about all the times my mom would attack my dad when I was growing up and call the cops and say he hit her. He'd get restrained until the neighbors and witnesses sorted it out. I'm thinking about how all a woman has to do is say a guy hit them and that guy gets arrested no questions asked. They ask for a statement. I say nothing.

I go to jail. I'm locked up in county jail.
The other inmates ask me what I'm in there for, I say Theft. I'm not stupid, I'm not going to explain this story to them. While I'm in there I run into my friend Eric. He's shocked to see me in jail and says "This is the last place I ever expected to run into you, what happened?" I say "my mom tried to stab me and called the cops and said it was domestic violence." he says 'Your mom is a crazy bitch. I used to think my mom was bad until I met yours."

Eric is white. While I'm in Jail I hang out with him the most cause I've known him since I was 14. Roughly half my life. Some guy is calling me an uncle tom and saying I'm racist cause I'm always hanging out with the white boy and don't talk to the blacks as much. Each day this guy gets worse. I don't know what he's in for or what he'll do to me.

A month goes by and I'm in court. I don't have a lawyer and I'm tired of the guy who's calling me racist and insinuating he'll do something horrible to me. I don't wanna go back in there. No one is going to post my bail and the courts refuse to give me a personal bond. The prosecuter is a horrible scumbag. I don't think he's racist or anything, just shady as shit. He says he knows I don't wanna go back in jail for another month, that they aren't going to give me a personal bond but if I plead no contest they'll let me go and give me a Domestic violence charge.

I really don't want to go back in there with that guy. I plead no contest and when I'm asked to speak I say what actually happened and that I'm only pleading no contest cause I don't feel safe in jail however I would prefer if I had a lawyer and got character witnesses to show what sort of person my mom is and how she lies. The judge lowers all the charges down to the bare minimum without putting me off scott free and says I'm free to go. That my father said he'd take me to Detroit and I don't need to follow up with anything since I'm leaving the state.

I get out and westlake is there to pick me up. I have a warrant for no showing up to court. Fuck....
I go to video court on the first day. I was tired of being in jail. I plead no contest. I was charged only with public intox. When asked to speak I say "I was in a holiday inn. There is a bar in the holiday inn. I drank at the bar and was inside the hotel. Then I was attacked by a man who was angered about a video game. After i was attacked he, the white man who attacked me, walked away as 3 white security guards restrained me, the black one. Then I, the black one, was arrested by white cops who told me I was a horrible person. I guess it's a horrible thing for the black man to get blood on the poor white mans hand. How dare I get punhed in the face." the judge says I had 10 days in jail to serve and that the cops weren't racist. I tell him bullshit, if that's not racist I don't know what is.

I spend ten days in jail and there's a guy in there with me who boxes. He's teaches me a few things. Some of it I know some I don't. We both work out and tell stories every day. He's telling me how he goes into bars and makes sure the girls notice he's there as he walks by. Then he sits down and has a beer and pays no attention to them. And they come up to him and talk to him and say they found it attractive that he did that.

He's telling me how he's forward with them when he talks.

I make a note of this.

Ten days pass and I'm free to go. I go to Cleveland and find Taaj who let's me crash at his place and then gives me a ride to Lorain. In Lorain I stay at Doug and Kyles.

And... this ends part two. Things get better. Life consistently moves upwards from here.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Chapter 25 part 3.
While staying at Doug and Kyles I hear from my dad. he'll be down in a month to pick me up.
I find out Rose has a new boyfriend. I had a shit storm of messages from her on face book. They start off rather clingy, get worried as she's asking if I really beat up my mom, and then she's accusing me of being a horrible person.

I respond saying "my mom tried to stab me. You've seen her flip out and lie. After she tried to stab me I left the house and go arrested."

My mom sends me an e-mail. I don't read it at all. I respond "Do not ever speak to me again for as long as I live. I don't want you in my life, you're the main reason everything is fucked up right now. I hate you and never want to have anything to do with you for as long as I live."

She sends another and I block her e-mail address. She sends me a message on facebook and I block her profile. She sends me a message from someone elses profile and I tell my friend "If you relay messages for her I'm blocking you too." He sends another message from her and I block him.

I see her at the grocery store one day as I'm buying food with my food stamps for the house. She tries to talk to me and I ignore her. I'm with Kyle. She's trying to give me money. She gives it to Kyle to give to me.

Later Kyle says she gave him $30 for me. I say "let's get drunk." and we buy cigarettes and alcohol.


On day I meet some girl at the Library and she's an icp chick and really slutty. I end up making out with her that day and I get my hand down her pants and I'm playing with her pussy. Then she says she doesn't have sex with guys she isn't dating. I tell her that's bullshit and I know it. Then I walk away cause I'd rather not deal with some dumb bitch who lies. I figure I need to sort shit out, but right now I can't trust this girl and she's not worth my time.

I run into her on facebook and she's telling me that she really doesn't. I respond "I don't care for people who lie. I'm taking you off my friends list."

I run into her and she wants to be friends with me and hang out. I've got nothing to do and we walk over to some guys house and she fucks him in the other room. I'm hanging out and getting drunk and then we leave and she wants to hang out with me more. I say "I hate people who lie. Get lost and don't ever speak to me again." She follows me around for a while and eventually gets tired of me ignoring her.

I run into her once in a while but she doesn't try to talk to me anymore. Good. I think.
Lorain is a really dead town girl wise. they're never in lorain unless they're ghetto and poor. Everyone else leaves town to hang out somewhere else or stays at home. So it's rather difficult to meet anyone worth meeting. I start going online to meet girls. and that's not really working out either. it wasn't as easy as in Cleveland.

I run into minors all the time as I'm out in about and I'm just not into that sorta thing.
So most of my time was spent at Doug and Kyles. I cleaned the house and would buy food and alcohol and cigarettes.

Some cute girl they new from Cleveland came over the house one day. I was the only one around and she said she wanted a kitten somewhere in the convo. I said I knew a place that was SPAM kittens and we walk over to that place and she gets a kitten. We're at the house later adn she's going on and on about how much she wants to fuck Dubstep DJ's. i tell her I could care less about dubstep. And that I don't care who she wants to fuck unless she wants to fuck me. She's annoyed and starts bitching at me. I ignore her and go to the store and buy alcohol and come back and get drunk and play video games.

She stops bitching and then everyone comes back home and she ends up getting a ride back to Cleveland. I go with and hang out at the coffee shop for a while with everyone and Amy wants to come over.

Amy is this really slutty girl who fucks all of my friends and never me. I met her shortly after I met Colleen and I started to like her and have a crush on her. She started hanging out with me and then started fucking everyone at the coffee shop. it's not the same Amy that dated my friend Ed.

Amy is over the house and she fucks Doug [who also likes her]. Then she fucks Real. Then she fucks Mike. Kyle wasn't there. She then fucks Skwerl. And some random guy comes over to hang out and she fucks him too. But when me and her talk she treats me as if I hate her and I'm some horrible sociopath. I just get drunk and play videogames and try to ignore the part where the town slut fucks everyone in the house except me. This doesn't work, I end up thinking about it and it really depresses me.

The next week I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me. The town slut fucks everyone but me. I don't tell anyone and try my best to pretend that I'm happy.


Eventually my dad says he's showing up. I go to my moms and my little brother lets me in the door. I start packing up all of my stuff and my mom tries to tell me she's sorry. I ignore her, she keeps trying to talk to me and I say "I don't ever want to hear from you again. I'm getting all of my stuff and that's it. We're done. i want you out of my life FOREVER!!"


My dad shows up and I'm off to Detroit, MI.


Since the last time I was in Detroit I fucked a girl I met from Wayne state I figure that's a good place to try and meet people. But it's summer and there aren't many girls there. One day I stumble across an art show at WSU. They're giving out wine for free. I drink and get trashed while I'm there and I'm checking out the art. The show is closing and there's three girls on the ground. One of them is really cute, one kinda heavy set, and the other average.

The fat one talks to me without me saying anything and asks for my facebook. Sure... I say. And I get the other two's facebooks and I leave. Mike, Zach, and I had decided that the next girl to ask us to hang out, no matter who it is, we have to respond "You had me at blowjob." and if she wants to hang out afterwards we have to hang out with them no matter who the girl is. Also if she tries to have sex with you, you have to have sex with her.

So Zach is visiting me in Detroit and I'm on Facebook and the fat chick, from the art gallery, is talking to me. I don't really want to talk to her so I'm just being polite. And then she asks if I want to hang out. Zach looks at the message and starts laughing hysterically . o O (fuck... ) I think. I respond "You had me at blowjob." And she says she didn't remember saying anything about a blowjob, she says she loves sex but she's not really into blowjobs. She tells me where her house is.

I go over. It's on 4th street. I notice a camp fire pit and remember it from the last time I was in Detroit. People liked to have bonfrieds and get drunk and throw parties. Lots of hot chicks went to those things. I keep a mental note of this.

While I'm waiting for her to show up her room mate comes down stairs and says I must be Nick. her room mate is cute. She invites me in and she's playing nintendo with me. We're playing Mario bros 3. Then Sicily, the blowjob girl, shows up. And me and her are hanging out and we go for a walk. While we're walking around she starts making out with me.... fuck..... I make out a little and stop and she asks if I wanna go back to her place. . o O (nonononono, why do I play these stupid games with Zach....). I go back to her place and she leads me into her room and starts rubbing on my dick and taking my pants off. And we have sex...

Sometimes Zach really pisses me off. That and me always keeping my word. But He ended up bangins some fat chick cause of this game too.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

wtffff you write like crazy!

It soothes the soul of the broken hearted.
Also helps me reanalyze past mistakes and successes.

I mostly write for me to figure out why I'm crazy.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

26.... Okay, this is not actually 26, my memory is foggy about a lot of things that happen in detroit [or do I really just not care to relive certain moments... hmm...]

Numbers are meaningless at this point. To date I know I'm somewhere near 40 girls, but I don't really know cause a lot have been forgotten after 25. Most very intentionally. I'll drop the numbers from here on out.


At this point I'd slept with Sicily and wasn't very happy that I'd banged a fat chick I wasn't very attracted to nor that it more than likely fucked up any chance I had with her more attractive room mate. Or her two friend's I'd met at the art gallery. All cause of a stupid game I accepted to play. I have no shame in so adamantly keeping my word. I always keep my word.

When I was growing up a lot of times my father would say he was going to do something and make a promise. He didn't always keep those promises. about 90% of the time he didn't keep his word. I strongly value my own. I don't make promises I can't keep. I feel someone should just be careful about what they promise, however they should follow through with whatever they say they'll do no matter what it is.


Sicily dropped hints she wanted to date. I was forward about not wanting to date her and I left and didn't really talk to her for a while. I started going to bars and walking past the hot chicks and sitting down to have a drink by myself while paying them no attention. Much like the boxer from Westlake city jail told me, they came over to talk to me after a while. They'd ask what my story was. I didn't want to answer cause my story wasn't a very happy one. I'd just been through a lot. I should've said that. Instead I beat around the bush and came off as rather flaky. Sometimes it worked out, most times I did not.

I started getting upset the times I didn't get laid and after a while I started going over to Sicily's ever time I struck out. I'd fuck her and wouldn't feel so bad. At least I was getting laid.


School finally started and my little brother was visiting. He was bored and wanted to go somewhere to a party. I'd told him of the bon fires and we showed up. Sure enough there was a party going on. there was a keg and you needed to buy a cup for $5 in order to drink from the keg. We were broke. But there's always a way. I nonchalantly grab a cup and stroll over to the keg and the guy poors me a beer. Zach doesn't know how to inconspicuously grab cups and asks me to grab one for him. I give him tips. I tell him to just act like it's his cup and grab it. To find an empty one. He's too afraid so I grab him one and he's drinking too.

I was rather bitter and angry at the world and it was showing. No matter how nice and cool I tried to be it still showed that deep down I wasn't a happy person. That's when I thought in order to get laid all you need is happiness. Nothing more. Just peace of mind.

I didn't have that. That night I didn't even make out with anyone. Nothing worked out.


Eventually I hear of the trumble plex where parties are thrown on the regular. I go to a few but I'm always depressed and nothing's working out. I came home and erased everyone from my Facebook. All of my friends. I held so many grudges and a lot of them were a reminder of why the world sucks. I got a job at the mall. I was still a very angry person, but I was getting better.

I didn't talk to my mom anymore and that helped out quite a bit. Over time I noticed changes in my mood. I was much happier with life, yet still so angry and bitter. The happier I became the more I noticed people wanted to talk to me.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Recap.
Met Hayley at a bar [as mentioned REALLLLY early in this blog].
She came over, I asked her out, she said yes, she spend the night, I fucked her.
In the morning I cuddly cuddled and shit and we took a shower I fucked her again and we watched videos on youtube and shit. It was fun. I was REALLY fucking happy.

My lonely life filled with drama, chronic depression, and very very poor success finding a girlfriend [that I actually fucking liked] seemed to be changing. I'd found someone I liked. A lot. I was happy. Really happy. Floatin' on clouds. I thought . o O (Hmm... the only girl I've ever dated that I liked was Deb... she was underage so that didn't really work out. And when Deb walked out of my life I never heard from her again. Sure, I tried very adamantly to find Deb when she turned 18. However I didn't have Deb's phone number anymore, I couldn't find her on Myspace, and despite knowing her first, middle, and last names I couldn't find her on facebook either... But now I'm with someone who makes me laugh and feel comfortable being me. Sex is great and she's hot, but really I just want someone who makes me feel good and gives me all those great emotions)

I was soooooo happy about it. I'm not a happy person. My mind isn't a very nice place to be. Hell, this journal thing I have hear doesn't really say it all. It tells some pretty horrible shit I've been through. Chronic depression, best friends stabbing me in the back, mother trying to stab me and getting me thrown in jail, suicide attempts, racist cops, dad beating me up, toughing it out being homeless. I just don't say everything. I try to suppress it all. I don't always want to drag up what's eating me and why I'm so hurt and feel so alone.

I'm just saying, I'm not happy. I've been in this state where I'm naturally depressed and have to force myself to be happy since I was 8 really. So being happy is a big fucking deal to me. I try and try to cheer the fuck up and be happy. I only really end up distracting myself from the depression.

Hayley. She made me happy. And when I had that happiness and she left my house that day after she spend the night I stopped and thought . o O (Colleen did a number on my sanity. Don't fuck this up. Just be cool. ).


Hayley tells me to come over on Christmas eve. Never answered her phone. I had the condom I'd bought from the liquor store and I was thinking, even when I bought it, that I wasn't ever going to use it on her. I tried to push this idea out of my head and tell myself things will be fine. This girl likes me.

The next day she tells me she just wants to be friends and see where things go. It was understandable all things considered. That 4 year relationship she'd gotten out of recently. How fast things happened. I mean I don't fucking know shit about relationships. I've only been in 3 that lasted over 3 days. The shortest of those three was either Deb or Rose for about 3-4 months or so. The other was with Liz for 3 years off and on. And the only one I actually liked was Deb. With Rose... she was just there. Someone I could have sex with. Not someone I went to bed thinking about all night and woke up thinking about. Not someone who put a smile on my face just cause I thought about her. She was just there. No one special.

So, when Hayley says this I think of Colleen again. Don't fuck this up. I think of Megan. I think of Courtney. I think of all the times I've liked a girl and fucked it up BECAUSE I liked the girl. I think of how my emotions fuck it up for me. I say stupid things. I do stupid things. I don't think straight. I try and try. I want to think clearly. I'll have my phone in my hand and I know I shouldn't call. I set it down and walk in the other room and then I think about the damn thing anyway. I somehow end up with that stupid thing in my hand again looking at a girls name in my contacts wanting to call her. Wanting to hear her voice. Wanting her to be there. I know I shouldn't call. I put it down again. But I always come back.

I find myself on facebook. I have some message. I want to talk to her. I know I shouldn't say anything. I know what I'm about to say is all sorts of wrong. I end up with the message typed out and I'm thinking I shouldn't hit enter. I know I shouldn't send that message. I erase the message and watch cartoons. I go out of the room and make dinner. I leave the house. Then I'm back at home with facebook and my phone. I call. I send a message.

I do it anyway and I fuck it up. I say something stupid and I wish I didn't. I screw it up again. I feel like shit for it. Then I think . o O (Well, this isn't so bad. Just don't do it again..). But I do. I always do. Only if I like a girl.

Hayley isn't much different. I fucked everything up. Again. I pushed a girl I liked away. She started talking to me less and less cause I'm so fucking stupid when I like someone. I don't know how to stop this.

And today. I went out to a bar to meet new girls. I know it's over with Hayley. I know she thinks I'm clingy and annoying and all that. I fucked everything up and she doesn't wanna talk anymore, so I should move the fuck on. Well, I just wasn't in it today. I couldn't focus. I ordered my beer. There were a lot of hot chicks there. I didn't talk to any of them. I started feeling like I was just going to fuck it up again and I was depressed. I started to feel alone. I saw a girl and a guy making out and over heard someone mention they made a cute couple. I thought about how I never have a girlfriend. I just fuck a bunch of girls I don't like. When I find out I do like I rarely even get a kiss. I feel emotions and start to like her and fuck everything up.

I left and walked home. As I was walking I kept wondering where the rope is in my house and thinking I'd go online and look up detailed instructions for a noose to make sure I get it right. I was thinking of how I can't find a job. How I've been doing pick-up for 10 years now and still suck at it. How I don't have any real friends. I figured a good noose is something I can get right. Something I wont fuck up. I was thinking of how I'm a psychologically emotionally damaged person with a lot of past issues I can't seem to fix. How I tried to get mental health but I'm too poor and don't qualify for free help cause I'm not fucked up enough. How my older siblings told me I was nothing and no one liked me when I was growing up. They used to bully me physically too and I started working out when I was 10. When I was 11 and stood up to them they started saying I was a horrible violent monster who's terrorize them. They always had a way to make life hell for me.

I was thinking of all the shit my mom and dad did that fucked me up. How my whole family fucked me up inside. And I was wondering if I'll ever fix myself. Will I ever find anyone who will accept me and all my baggage. I kept thinking about that rope in the house. Where was it?

Then I thought about the cat. I have to take care of the cat right now. If I kill myself no one will be there to feed it for 3 months. I can't call the suicide hotline and get thrown in the psych ward either cause someone's gotta take care of the cat...


OKCupid isn't working out. Going out to meet girls... well I spent money I was supposed to spend on food. I blew all my money again. Money I needed. I spent it going to different bars trying to meet new people and get some practice in with this shit. I'll survive. I've got rice and shit at the house... I just wont be living well and it's my own fault.

I started thinking about when I would get $500 pay checks every other week. I'd blow it all going out to places trying to meet girls, or getting drunk cause I was depressed. Then I'd say to myself "Next time I get paid I'm putting my money in the bank and leaving it there. I'll save up some money." I'd get paid again. I'd put the money in the bank. I'd say "I'm going to save my money this time." I'd tell myself that I'd be wise with my money. And I'd end up blowing it all again and feel like shit. I'd spend it going out trying to meet people again. Even when I went out I'd say I wasn't going to go anywhere expensive and that I wouldn't buy too many drinks. I'd blow my money anyway. And I'd have nothing to show for it again. I'd feel like shit again. I'd try to hide my Card from myself. I'd try to forget I had money.

I even bought a bunch of video games once so I'd have something to do at home to prevent me from going out. But I always ended up blowing my money.

Same with girls. I always fuck it up if I like a girl.

I don't know how to stop. I keep trying and trying. I don't ask anyone for help on how to stop fucking shit up when you like a girl. I don't ask anyone for help to stop blowing my money. I feel embarrassed about both. And I keep thinking about suicide.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

I've gone a Day with no contact with the outside world.
And I cut my hair... Kinda got tired of untangling knots and dread locks on a daily basis.

Haven't acknowledged my phone, facebook, or OKCupid... Right now I'm going to go to the store and buy cigarettes. But I would rather not have any human interaction. I need to think and figure all this nonsense out.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

Sup man I really really really!!! recommend you go and get the power of now. Judging by your posts I'm guessing that you spend a crazy amount of time thinking of the past, which isn't the best way to go about living.

I'm just curious about asking this, what do you want to achieve by writing your journal?

Eyrie

_________________
My journal: eyrie-s-journal-to-becoming-the-man-vt148355.html

--If you are not giving, you are not living--

Right now sucks. I have no job, I fucked shit up with Hayley and can't get her out of my head, and I haven't been able to even kiss a girl since her. My mind is relatively scrabbled and fucked up, shifting thoughts and ideas floating around. Concepts and ideas that're at war and contradicting one another. Right now my mind is a mess and I'm depressed.

I went out to find work today. I'd cut my hair roughly two days ago to help with this. While I was on the hunt I ran into a few girls in situations that, in the past, had worked out for me before. I didn't know what to do and did nothing. Today I'm still hurt and broken about Hayley and about everyone else I wanted to be with.

What I hope to accomplish by writing about the past is to learn why things worked and why things didn't. The most common scenario I'm seeing is that essentially most girls picked me up and not the other way around.

#1. I met her a week ago at a party and we chatted briefly. Before I left i gave her a hug. Later I ran into her as I was leaving the party and she approached me and asked if she could come home with me. I did nothing elaborate or special there, she approached me and basically gamed me.

#2. She'd been reading my journals about a girl I was in love with and thought it was sweet. She asked me to come see her out at her school. I never asked her. When I showed up she initiated nearly everything.

#3. Read that same journal and thought I was a really sweet guy and kept asking me to take her virginity. She was asking me and pressing me. I wasn't gaming her or asking her anything.

A 3rd girl who'd read that same journal was friends with me for about 9 years before we met at a concert where she made out with me. She said she thought I was one of the sweetest guys she'd met. When I ran into her she initiated the making out. Not met initiating things with her.


So far what I've learned about the above is that I don't really know what I'm doing and have no game... not with them anyway. I learned that girls think it's sweet if you're in love with another girl and say nice things about her and write about how much you care. If you're sincere about it all. I've considered setting up a journal somewhere and writing again like that and seeing where that goes for me. Cause back then on Xanga it seemed to work out rather well.

I've debated on if I want to put it on my facebook or not. However I'm pretty iffy about putting personal information on my facebook. Cause my xanga didn't have people I knew on there for the most part. A few friends who were close enough for me not to care if they read what I wrote.


#4 Met at a party. She asked me to dance and I just said I didn't feel like it and she sat down and started making out with me. again, nothing special. That same night I'd trying opening girls and other such things that failed and near the nights end this girl pretty much games me. Not much to learn from here that'd be useful later in life.

#5. made eye contact from the end of the bar, so I wandered over and she started flirting and ended up making out with me. She seemed a little off and I ignored that. I ended up getting laid, however shit got out of hand later. Moral of the story: If a girl makes eye contact with you she's most likely interested and all you'll have to do is play it cool. But if she's a little off, bail. Yet again, she picked me up, not the other way around.


Pretty much 1-9 picked me up. 10 I just send a brutally honest message saying I liked her and why. I found this tends to work out under the right parameters, However I'm not certain what those parameters are entirely.


That's part of why I write about the past.
Another part is emotions. When I write about the times I got laid I tend to feel a little better and like it's not so bad. The gapping and spacing between each time is rather depressing, but I have that anyway. It also helps me get my mind, even if only temporary off things like Hayley or the noose I just tied [just before writing this... pretty good noose too].

It's one of many things I've been doing to occupy my thoughts so I stop thinking about Hayley, how bad I am with girls right now, and suicide.

Also I'm trying to see why I'm so fucked up right now. I'm constantly depressed and angry and bitter and want to figure out what the root of it all is. I'm 97% sure my mom has a lot to do with me being so angry and suicidal. She probably has a lot to do with my poor luck with women. My dad as well. I'm sure they've psychologically and emotionally damaged me in a very bad way. I don't have money for a shrink and don't know anyone who's an expert in these sorta things so I'm doing my best to fix myself. First I need to know where the problems roots are.

After finding out the root maybe I can find a solution.

That's some of many reasons I write all of this.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12

1-16-13
I woke up and checked my OKCupid... I was rather bummed about it all. I decided that if I delete it I'll just make another one eventually. I instead decided not to long in for a while. The whole site was frustrating me. I wasn't meeting girls... fuck that place. I just didn't get it. I didn't know what to say or what to write on my profile. I was rather tired and it was just causing me stress and depression.

I got a call from the foodstamp lady. I'd called her yesterday about getting food stamps cause I got a letter in the mail saying I needed to call to set up a meeting. I didn't answer my phone. The message she left said I waiting too long and I need to reapply for the stamps... So i figured I'd just walk to the office and apply. I was thinking about how I can sell them to Harold... well $100 worth for $50 cash and then use the remaining $100 on the card to buy food and start making gourmet food to get ready to start up a catering thing to make cash on the side while I look for a job. Then use the $50 to buy supplies I might need for the catering thing. Cause really, you don't need $200 a month on food to survive. Trust me, I know.

So I left the house. I figured I'd fill out job apps and look for a job while I was out and about. I checked in at a bar I'd applied at... nothing. Then Olga's Kitchen... nope, no openings. Went to the D:Hive and told them that the e-mails I've been getting about jobs have requirements like masters degrees on average and all I have is a high school diploma and a job history in restaurants basically. They guy gave me a web site to check out and told me about a bank that's hiring.

I continued and ran into two guys. I asked one for a smoke and he was out. I asked if they knew offhand any place that was hiring. He told me about a place he's the manager at and a few other spots. I checked out the first spot and filled out an application. The girls were cute... but not my type at all.

I continued my walk to the place he was a manager at and filled out an application. There was a cute girl working in the kitchen... I didn't say much to her. The bartender was okay looking... She was chatting with me as I filled out the application. I just politely talked with her and she gave me a water. I didn't go further than small talk or joking with her. I was there for work.

As I was leaving and looking to hand off my app, the manager guy walks in and I give it to him. He shakes me hand and reminds me the location of the other spot he said. I head over there and filled out an app, then left. A few decent girls... wasn't trying to look.

I was tired of walking and pounding the pavement so I headed over to Wayne state university since I was in the area. As I walked through campus I saw quite a few hot chicks wandering around. I just didn't want to say anything... I didn't know what to say. I was in a horrible state of mind. They were headed where ever, class, or whatnot. Everyone was moving somewhere so I didn't bother talking to anyone. I just went to the lounge and ran into Cliff.

We talked about Hayley and he said that it might not be so bad for me and to just give it time. We joked around and told stupid stories and then I ran into this fugly girl I fucked last year... I tried to avoid her but she started chatting with me. So I found my friend Steve and we hung out for a bit.

Eventually I got bored and walked towards my house. I was in Hayley's neighborhood... I thought about it and figured what the hell and called her. Went to voice mail, she never answered. So I texted saying "hey, I'm in the neighborhood on my way home so I gave you a call." I persisted on my way home and stopped by the Temple bar to say hello to George the owner. He's pretty cool. Gay guy, really funny, very sarcastic. He asked if I was coming in for a drink, I said I wasn't cause I was broke. I kept walking and ran into Amanda.

Amanda is a prostitute I met last year in the general Area of Temple bar. I was on my way to the bar that day when I saw her looking really depressed and downtrodden. She asked how my night was going [most of the prostitutes out there just ask "What're you looking to get into?" or "Are you looking to date?" or something that's straight to business]. I was having a good night and I said "I'm doing fine." with a smile and asked "How're you doing?" She sighed and said "Ooohhh, I'm at work." So I asked "Can you take an hour lunch break and have a drink?" and she smiled and pushed her finger on the wall of the building she was standing by to mimic clocking out for lunch while making beeping noises and said "I'm on my lunch break now. ". We walked to a bar a few blocks away and she said "If people give you funny looks cause you're with me, I understand if you feel uncomfortable." I said "I don't care, what're you drinking?" She wanted a rum and coke and I got her and me a drink and we sat around and chatted for a while, smoked a few cigarettes, told jokes. She likes art and loves to draw. She was telling me about a few movies she wanted to go and see. We hung out for about an hour or so when she said she needed to go back to work.

So I walked her back to the corner I'd ran into her at. She punched in on the wall again, then she gave me one of the best hugs I've ever gotten and said "Thanks for the good time. It meant a lot to me." and kissed me on the cheek.

Since then I run into her once in a while and we talk about whatever. We went to the movies once and saw the amazing spider-man.


So, tonight I ran into her on my way home. She said "You cut your hair!!!" and rubbed her hand through my hair then gave me a hug. She asked how my day was going and I said "You know, just looking for work. How about you?" and she said "I'm at work." And we chatted for a little bit. She said "I've been thinking about going back to school like you said." She told me she was going to enroll in the community college. I hope she does.

One time when me and her were smoking weed and drinking beer by her job she was telling me how she used to date some guy who got her hooked on hardcore drugs. He'd introduced her to all sorts of things when she was younger and that's when she started the job she has now. She eventually kicked some of those habits and it's been really hard to get rid of them and now she wants to go to school but she didn't know how. So I said I'd be her friend and do what I could to help. She's always been a good friend to me. One of the nicest people I know actually.


So I'm walking away hoping things work out for her.
I get to the comet bar. I'm broke but I know the bartender is resourceful and might know a few leads on a job. I go in, no chicks worth talking to... not why I'm here. I talk to the bartender and he tells me about some restaurant. I get a text from Hayley. She said she was out some random place I have no idea about. I respond "What's out there?" out of curiousity. I finish my water and leave the bar to head home.

As I'm walking I text Hayley again saying "Do you know any places that are Hiring?" and keep trekking along. I walked into a bar called the dirty trick and ask about a job, or if they know any place that's hiring. The bartender says they aren't but I should check next door. Next door tells me they're looking for busboys and dishwashers. It's too late to grab and app so I make a point to go back tomorrow.

As I continue I ask some lady for a cigarette and she gives me two. I keep moving and run into some guy in front of Trunk Bar. The first place I hit up today. Three guys actually. One was from Australia. We talked and I asked if they knew any places that were hiring. They say no and asked if I know anyone out here and where I'm from. I say I'm from Cleveland and only know one person that I hang out with around here. Everyone else I just see at the bar or whatever. I know them and we chat but then we part ways and never actually hang out. They say I seem cool and one of them gives me his number and says I'll have to come hang out at a party sometime and get to know people in Detroit. Sounds promising. As far as job networking and meeting girls it's very promising.

I continue onward home and see a homeless man eating chicken. I ask if he has cigarettes. He says know, I walk towards him and say I'll let him have my last one, I just want to hit it a few times. He's overjoyed about this. He shares some of his chicken and I accept because 1. I'm fucking hungry as hell 2. It would be rude to decline right now and 3. There's nothing wrong with it, someone who worked in a bar gave it to him when the bar closed. It was pretty yummy chicken too. He lights up a cig and I hit it a few times. And as I'm about to leave he asks "If I pray for you will you pray for me?" I don't believe in god or the bible and think it's a bunch of horse shit. However I understand that now is not the time to voice this, I say "Yes." and he gives me a hug and says "Alright, uncle. I'm calling you uncle, okay." I say "that's fine by me. You have a safe night, i gotta get going." And he says "same to you, uncle." and I leave.

As I'm leaving I start thinking . o O (did I give him a cigarette I knew he's enjoy more than me just cause it makes me feel better about myself? Maybe. At the time I was just thinking he could use this more than I can. I wanted it to smoke later when I got home, but at least I have a home to go to.).

I stop at Andrews pub and talk to Mike and ask if he knows anywhere off hand that's hiring. He tells me to check the brewery and to come in to Andrews in the morning. I change my plan for tomorrow. Instead of the place next to the dirty trick I'll go there. My legs are sore and tired anyway and that's a shorter distance. Tomorrow I'll take it easy and then the day after that I should be rested enough to go on a far walk again.

Don't want to over work myself and get hurt.


At home Fugly is texting me. Apparently she's in a relationship right now. I say I gave up on dating... half true. I did give up, but I know I'll jump into the idea again eventually. So, me knowing me, giving up really just means I'm taking a break unless I'm really dedicated to finalizing shit [like never speaking to liz or my mom again]. She's asking why and I say it's cause girls just use me for sex but don't wanna date, so whatever I'm fine with just sex. She's telling me about dating sites and I'm saying they suck and then I say "If you have any friends who think I'm cute and're just looking for fun, let me know. Otherwise I'm not looking for much else." She says she'll do that and that I'm highly recommended... Good thing I fucked the shit out of fugly, now she'll tell her friends I know how to fuck.

And that was my day. today.

_________________
I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12