Hi,
I'm looking for clear advice from guys who have been in similar situations as I describe below.
I am 33, and perhaps that is affecting some of the thoughts in my head.
This is a long read, and a sad one, so bear with me.
WARNING: Some very uncool stuff in here, but I have to face my past and this is a part of it.
I have been a lurker on here since 2007 since Mystery introduced me and a mate to the game.
I've been a semi-natural guy who rarely had troubling getting women to laugh, like and make love to me since high school. I'm funny and sarcastic and this has served me well thru most of my life, playing sports and having an athletic body and outdoorsy nature prodded me on in my beliefs. Truth is, to date, if I get introduced to a girl, 9/10 times I will sleep with her if I want to. I'm still working on not getting nervous opening sets, more on that later.
2 years ago, my wing introduced me to a girl, let's call her A, whose photo I saw and said, yea, I'll date her and started to.
She's a trust fund baby who actually had values and wasn't your average spoilt girl, not remotely slutty.
She grew quite fond of me rapidly, and told me in 2 weeks over a joke I made that she was ready to marry me right now. At this time, I had not held a steady job for the last 5-6 years, done some odd consulting (IT) gigs and generally lived off my dad. Being the only son can make laziness thrive
Of course I laughed it off and told her I wasn't close to being there and we had much time for such thoughts.
Fact is, I just wanted to date maybe bang the girl and no more when I saw her pic. I prefer girls with long hair and this one has short hair. Long story short, over just a month into our relationship, I grew quite fond of her and realised she was a quality girl I could have an exclusive relationship with, and that has always been my goal in the game. Being 31, and wanting kids seeing my friends happily married with them exacerbated this thought process.
At this time, I was trying to take on the biggest responsibility of my life, to start an IT hardware company, get funding with the right leadership and have a 2-5 years exit plan for it to get bought out and me to generally have enough time and money to see what I wanted to do next with life.
While I did find people willing to fund (my work ethics and recommendations are impeccable), the same people willing to fund were non-IT oriented and could not provide the right leadership I was looking for. Basically, a CEO to lead sales and a sales team, someone with contacts and experience in the S.E. Asia and N. American markets and such.
Being of a decent nature, and knowing that such a venture without the right leadership was bound to fail, I chose not to take the money offered and found that people/fund houses that could've provided me with the right leadership, were not keen on providing funding for a not yet mature product. This is exactly why I was looking for funding in the first place, to ensure maturity.
Anyhoo, as this started to fall apart, and this girl moaning wanting me to meet her dad who lived on another continent (another spoilt trust fundie), and having met her mum and brother and aunt who came down on different occasions and highly approved of me, I did not take the time out to rethink my situation and strategize what to do next. Instead, I started drinking wine from 10am with her - a favorite pastime of hers, also a way for her to deal with her low self-esteem issues.
I would binge drink on weekends, but I am no morning drinker, a few beers in the day when on holiday maybe.
So instead of dealing with the professional situation at hand, I'd drink and forget about the problems hopelessly feeling the problem would fix itself. Bad idea. Feeling like shit and a complete loser, I started to fight with her every night she wanted to go out, as I really didn't have the money to do it and I would pay for my own girlfriend, never a random I met at a bar.
These fights made me feel worse, cause I was basically projecting my shit onto her, and I became insecure and aggressive and an all round world class moron. She is a spoilt child, with no spine, and she didn't do much to help, for instance by not letting me drink, but I am hard to argue with even when sober and usually have done what I want in a relationship so I don't hold that against her that much.
One night she was introducing me to an old friend of hers and I found out that she'd lied to me about telling him about our relationship. She told me she had, then later that night admitted she hadn't. I was pissed drunk, the guy was a sleaze, even my mates that evening thought so, and this pushed me over the edge and I raged and lost the plot at the restaurant and in the car while driving home. I physically smacked her face around, and at one point, even kicked her in the leg once calling her names. Went back to her place, argued some more and the next morning she told me she needed some space. I agreed, and left thinking to myself in the car that I was quite relieved to be out of the relationship.
Of course, there was crying in the morning with apologies in the shock of what I had done and on the phone the next day. We didn't talk for 2 days, on the 3rd day she called me and we basically kinda got back together. Things didn't improve (argumentwise, not any more physical assault) and she finally had to leave the country because of a real family medical emergency.
I dropped her to the airport thinking this relationship was done as we hugged and kissed at the airport. We spoke for hours on end even after she left, and when she heard me and my mates were planning a Bangkok trip, she suggested I come down to her place and spend some time with her and her family and work on fixing the relationship.
Since I did not have the money (Thailand is quite cheap) to visit her, we basically went back and forth and I never did go anywhere. A few weeks later amidst which I was still getting drunk and arguing and being insecure, she told me she was thinking of breaking up with me. This of course had the effect you can imagine and I went and met a friend who gives great head and gagged her throat out. The first time in my life I have been unfaithful when in an exclusive relationship.
A's parents were desperately trying to hook her up with some local lads and knowing this did not help my rotting mess of a mind much. When she finally called to tell me it was over, she said she was coming down with a girlfriend but landing in another town first, to set her up with a place to stay at A's ex's who rents rooms behind his bar. This was the last straw for me and I told her I didn't have a need to see her if she had to see him first to which she insisted was for setting her friend up with cheap accommodation.
I didn't call or mail her for the longest time, and went into a shitfit of depression for the next 2 months, where I didn't drink, eat or do any intoxicants, just some tea and cigarettes moping over my actions and her loss. I didn't bathe, brush my teeth and generally went to a low that I did not think existed in me.
8 months after that, I left for Canada, hoping to make a new start of things, during which time, even after fucking some locals, I mailed her twice to which she replied how pathetic I was going back on forth between wanting her back and not wanting her back. I mailed her a month later saying "I wasn't a real man, and would meet her when I had gone back to being one".
Things didn't pan out in Canada workwise, and it didn't help that I was gaming strippers and getting their numbers and ignoring them making them nuts and having the hottest stripper in Montreal bite my cock thru my jeans and found myself still thinking of A as she did it.
I came back, found out recently that she still inquires about me and has been, if sparingly, for the past 2 years, mostly if I've started working and that she recently did again with a very close bud of mine.
The reason I had trust issues, is about a year before I met A, I dated a girl, let's call her B, who was stunning, an amazing cook, and a pleaser of the highest order in bed, who I found out wasn't over her ex and was sending him mushy emails whilst with me and having met my family and shit.
In my drunk fucked state of mind, I had gone thru A's Facebook messages (I'm not on Facebook, their data retention policies are lame) and found out that she'd given her number to a German dude in my town, and when I'd asked her if she had on multiple occasions, she said she hadn't. This coupled with meeting the sleaze friend I mentioned above, and that lie was the last straw that sent me into a rage of hitting her.
I never did confront her about this Facebook message number thing, because I had in my drunk stupidity, started lying to her about having this old debt for the simple reason that I could not afford to take her out every night and thought that this debt might make her ease up on going out every night. Retarded 101, I know.
It'll be almost 3 years since we split in a few months, and we dated for all of 3 months in all. 2 of which spent drunk and fighting. I had pushed all thoughts of her outta my mind till they were triggered by the conversation she had with my close bud a few months ago. At this time, my wing, who introduced me to her, and is good friends with her confronted me about the lies I had told her.
This led to a lot of back and forth, and I confessed to my lies and everything came pouring out. My wing is an old bud of over 17 years and I am not one to lie, well, not usually, never sober and definitely not when confronted by a friend.
So I took my friends advice, quit alcohol, pot and have started exercising and will be in good enough shape to go climbing up in the Himalayas end of this year. I have also put a plan in place to get back on the professional working horse and get my finances and life back in order.
I have met with a shrink, undergone 5 psychometric test so far, and plan to seek their advice in addition to running every psychological disorder test known to man after.
I feel she didn't really do anything wrong enough for me to have broken up with her. It was my own life, actions and insecurity that led to the death of a seemingly great relationship.
And now I wanna sort my shit out and see her, own up to my lies and seek forgiveness for my actions.
Trouble is, I also wanna see if she can feel safe with me again and probe to check if there is a shot of us getting back together. Mostly cause I feel she did nothing wrong and since I didn't really cheat or want to do wrong, it MAY be salvageable. She has had 1 rebound of a relationship since we broke up but is actively out there dating, while I am not. She is as picky as I am and won't settle.
My wing tells me I should drop it, and frankly, if our roles were reveresd, I'd tell him the same. But being 33 now, and having found an almost perfect woman, I want to see if there's a shot.
Am I just being AFC, or do some of you think that a woman who was that into me in spite if my actions might be worth going after one more time? I'm pretty sure she won't, but I feel I owe it to myself to try. Should I?
Thanks for reading.
Any constructive comments and criticism is appreciated.
CHAT
