I would like to share a story with you all, in the hope that anyone who is having a bit of trouble with this all can see this case study and take advice from it.
To set the mood, I have been having a bad few weeks, mostly due to having a couple of great dates with a girl I was really into. She came to my place, we had dinner cuddled up in bed, fooled about and she dropped the 'I dont feel the spark' bombshell. This of course drove me into a sad despair of self loathing, pity and over analysing. After seeking help on here, I started to condition my mind to accept the fact that it was nothing personal, it wasn't down to one single thing such as being sexy or smart enough.
I believe now however, that the whole thing could have been different by utilising intention and progression, but I digress.
I have been listening to and watching a lot of Natural game seminars by James Marshall and I hope that everyone who wants to move on with their skills, would take the time to look him up. Not being a person for one liner cookie cutter pick ups, this guy I believe works more on inner character building, but I will let you figure it out for yourself if this fits within your agenda.
Moving on, one of the big things I took from his key note speeches is the premise of Intention and Progression. It is so easy as a nice, decent guy to go on a date and slip into a comfort zone in which you are friendly and playful, confident and start to read some good signs from a girl, only to realise that she goes cold. Personally I have had this happen on the past few dates I have been on and it sucks when you start to wonder what you said or did. In this case, it is what you didn't do. Of course, sometimes, it just isn't meant to be, but a second date with a girl usually means that there is 'something' there.
Taking to this new way of acting, I had a date yesterday with a lovely girl. She is a girl I met at a club last week, a friend of a friend so to speak and we hit it off right away. She had to leave, but we messaged the next day and I said to her 'the next time I see you I am going to kiss you'. She just laughed it off and said 'alright'.
We agreed to meet for a date yesterday and rather than the conventional 'bar for a drink', as I live by the sea, i went to the shop, bought some cider and snacks and planned to have a picnic on the sea front. She of course loved the idea. I was on route to her house, and not forgetting what I had said about the next time I saw her, I nervously pulled up to her house and started to shake.
Now the two choices here were to go back on what I had proclaimed, or Progress with my intention. Usually I would have left it, but as the fight or flight method kicked in, I channeled myself back to the present moment rather than the implications of what 'could happen'. She got in the car, and sure enough I did it! I leaned in and kissed her bang on the lips, to which she reciprocated. I am trying not to waffle on, but from what happened so far, this whole way of thinking was beginning to work for me. I would usually hide behind my self doubt and fear, but in the grand scheme of things, even if you get turned down, at least she knew the intention from the off set.
As we got back to the sea front, the rain started hammering down, our picnic plan was ruined! Or was it? Thinking fast, we went into my flat and I set the picnic mat up on my lounge floor. We sat and continued our date.
So here we were, I again had two choices here, digress or progress. my intention was clear and on previous dates I would simply not do anything except be courteous, in the hope that at some point our faces would get close enough to muster up the courage to kiss.
Not anymore! the intent was there and it was time to progress. I put my drink down and went in for a kiss and we started making out. She pulled away a couple of times, to which I believe is a common technique where the social conditioning kicks in and she doesn't want to be 'that type of girl'. I pulled back and chatted for a minute then back in for a kiss, which drove her insane. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.
The 'I am not that type of girl' comment kicked in, which I was expecting and I stopped and dropped the pressure slightly. I retorted by telling her that I know she had a good heart and re assured her, in the hope of saying 'you know what, liking sex does not brand you a slut, it makes you a passionate human being.
Again I am waffling, but concluding, we had sex for the rest of the afternoon.
While typing this long winded story, I would like to clear up that this is the first time i have EVER gone from date to F close in my existence, so something must have shifted here. I was no longer the 'overly nice guy who spent the whole time wanting to do something, but then wouldn't act on it.
I guess the biggest thing I took out of this was that, in most cases, the mans job is to progress. This of course changes within social cultures, but in most cases, you need to have and portray an intention from the outset. Sometimes this will not work from the go, but even for mid,long game, you can show that you are not there to be just a friend and I believe this is what pushed me through the fear and anxiety. My usual strategy, as mentioned above, would be:
Start off nice and confident. Become friendly and familiar (she would flirt)
Things would taper out (she would become less flirtatious)
I would say goodbye and then text saying 'I wanted to kiss you'
I never hear from her again
My new strategy was now:
Start off nice, confident, become friendly and familiar
Start to build up a sexual frame (innuendos, sex talk)
Keep eye contact and progress the friendly and familiar chat, with your intention
lead and progress the situation.
And that gentleman is my story, I hope you have enjoyed it and I want you to take away the fact that all of the fear and anxiety, all spawned on the possibly of being rejected, is a mindset that will hold you from progressing with your intention. Its easier said than done I know, but if you are rejected, at least your intention is out there straight away and you then have a choice in whether you keep working on it, or indeed move on to someone that deserves you.
I hope you all have a good weekend and I will keep you all posted with some more progression.
From the Desk of Jax
Co-founder of Project Essex. If your Essex based and want a strong Sarging group behind drop a message to us.