My girlfriend and I have been together for a while now. We have a decent relationship.

The issue has to deal with something on facebook. My girlfriend goes on multiple times everyday and I go on maybe a couple of times per week. Not long ago, my girlfriend added her old boyfriends best friend on facebook. She did this thinking that I wouldn't know who this loser is, but I do. One day she seemed to be acting a little weird, so I checked her facebook e-mail. Here is what her conversation said:

Her ex-boyfriends friend:
"its been along time since i heard from you how have you been, I didnt even recenize you at first im like who is this lol..then when i added you and looked at youre pics. I hope you and youre family are doing good. I have to work this week, but I have next weekend off. well lets catch up some time,, glad you added me or looked me up.. "

My girlfriend:
"Sara and I were talking about you crazy boys the other day so I decided to see if one of you had a facebook!

In this e-mail exchange she didn't necessarily cheat on me. But I don't like the fact that she: 1) initiated contact by adding her ex-boyfriends best friend. 2) Found out he was the only one of her former social circle who had a facebook. If her ex-boyfriend would have, she would have added him too.

This was about a month ago. Then last week she wrote on this loser's wall to have a happy birthday, when she never wrote on my wall to have a happy birthday.

I know that she didn't cheat on my by what was said in the post. I just have a bad feeling about this. Her and I have established certain paramaters within the relationship and I feel she has violated them. For example: she would go insane if she found out I was talking to one of my ex-girlfriends friends.

I have a gut feeling that she may be keeping them in the woodwork in case anything would ever happen.

What do you guys suggest is the best way to handle this situation?

Thank you

Firstly you should have started this post with

"Hey girls can I get a quick opinion on something"

Then you should have given an FTC and proceeded

"So I have this friend and his girlfriend added an ex from high-school to facebook, and my friend is really jealous. I told him not to worry but do you guys think that's okay?'

Non verbal FTC etc...

not really! don't worry about it mate. Worrying will just make her more likely to cheat. Just be confident and keep a look out without becoming insecure, see if she lies to you about it etc.

honestly..you should just chill..
she added him..he mailed her first...asking her for the date..she didnt even mention a thing about accepting..
get your inner game handled abit more..im sure deep inside you know when u and ur girl are all good..have you bin fighting or giving the silent SPAM to each other lately??

if thats a yes..then it would depend on what kinda girl she is..she could be just tryna make you jealous in hopes that you would see the added friend and go nagging to her..which then leads to more fighting and a reason for her to dump u..

play cool...add that cute girl you bin dying to add, but just din wana piss her off..
and if she complains u ask????

COME BACK TO THE FORUM!

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"oh just fuck them already"

In case it isn't clear from the two above replies, there is nothing in your original post that demonstrates any "red flags" from your girlfriend's actions... if anything, you're demonstrating red flags with your Facebook snooping.

It appears you don't trust this girl. Why are you with her?

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- Lux et Veritas -

I am worried that she will cheat on me with theses guys. She cheated on her ex-boyfriend with these guys, so I want to make sure that I don't become a victim.

I thought that once you are in a commited relationship, the right thing to do is cut ties with people from a social circle that included an ex? Like I mentioned, she would be pissed if I started talking to this one girl who was friends with my ex-girlfriend, but she thinks its okay to talk to her ex-boyfriends friend. Basically a double-standard.

That makes this scenario totally different. I was in that situation once before, too, and it sucks. It is really hard to know what to do.

What may seem obvious to you (and almost everyone else but her) is that, if your girl had respect for your relationship, she would not be pushing these buttons when she has been known to cheat with this guy. However, I can almost guarantee she does not look at it this way.

When this happened to me, I freaked out a little bit. I thought it was callous of my (now) ex-gf to be in contact with a guy who she cheated with in her previous relationship. It doesn't say a whole lot about how much respect you're getting when your girl is willing to mess with your head like that. I did the whole "what about me?" boo-hoo emotional mess in my knee jerk reaction to the situation, but I'm older and wiser now, and I would handle it differently.

Anyway, in my situation, the conflict and resolution (or lack there of) didn't go down well. I made it into a big blow-up issue, she got defensive, nothing was solved, and I bailed. I could have handled it better from my end. Would anything have changed in her view of what she should and should not do? I don't know, but she has since told me that she wished she would have ignored that guy instead of pushing it forward in order to piss me off, because it was not worth losing me over. Live and learn (to not play games, LOL).

My advice to you is to calmly approach her, say, "I know this is probably nothing, but I'm not comfortable with you being in touch with this guy. I know the history between the two of you, and I won't put myself in a situation to get burned. Can you understand my position?" Don't get emotional, just state it as fact. If she resists, you can tell her that it is a deal-breaker, if it is. If she still doesn't "get it" and agree to avoid this guy, you might have to let this one go. Whatever you do, stay calm.

Of course, you can also just sit on it and ignore it. But this is a bad sign, in my opinion. If she doesn't get the fact that both men and women need to feel a certain (reasonable) level of security in a relationship, you might bail and find a girl who does get it.

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- Lux et Veritas -

I'd leave her if I were you, but tell her your issues like the above poster said, and if she doesn't comply, drop her dumbass
If you ignore it and stay you're setting yourself up too get hurt

Did you know this before you started a relationship with her?

This is quite a giant red flag, and I personally don't want to get involved in a LTR with someone like that.

I made the mistake before, I got destroyed.

Sorry pal, but this shit is going to come up sooner or later. And it will not be just about facebook best friends, but it's going to be coming up in other situations as well.

Sorry to tell you this, but you have to face the reality.

You have to speak with her about it. That's the only way.

Prepare a speech and try to be as calm as you can.

What would some other signs be that she is trying to fuck this guy behind my back?

If you are looking for it you will find it.

(If you are looking for signs of cheating, her otherwise normal behavior will manifest itself, in your mind and to your perspective, as if it were proof of cheating or proof of intent to cheat. You've started this snowball and it will only roll bigger until you confront her about it. If you aren't comfortable with her hanging with this guy you need to either grow some balls and ignore it or take action.)

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- Lux et Veritas -

This "relationship" is not going to last, it just remains to be seen how it ends.

First, you should listen to the prior posters about your insecurity and snooping, there is something wrong with your mental state, its not all her(but she is worse than you).

Second, you should have analyzed her telling you she was a cheater. The vast majority of cheaters do not tell on themselves, especially women. A normal woman will rationalize away any cheating like it never happened. A sicko woman will tell people about it for no reason. A woman that lacks respect and fear her current boyfriend will leave ( THIS MEANS YOU ) will even tell her current boyfriend.

She is bad news for you. Partly it is your fault for losing all challenge, lots of women will feel almost driven to cheat in that case. However, if she calmly told you she cheated on her prior boyfriend, that is NOT good. It seems like she is being honest, and I'm sure its true, but what she is really communicating is "I don't have any loyalty, and I'm not worried about losing you".

Dump her

Don't ignore it, just approach her about this matter in a calm and collected manner. If there is something going on, you will probably see it (or sense it). If there is nothing, then you will know that as well. And you should definitely mention it is a bit nerving for you because relationships do have a mutual trust and only hope she clearly understands your position.

Just be calm and cool. Don't let it get ugly, it definitely the last thing you want.

i don't agree with most people in this thread who say "dude, be a man, don't sweat it, you are wrong for being 'needy' and 'snoopy', etc"

there is a different between being needy/paranoid and being honestly intuitive.

the dude sensed something was wrong, low and behold! he finds that his girlfriend is attempting to communicate with ex-fuck buddies and boyfriends, etc.

i'd say he deserves a fucking high-five for pegging that shit and smelling it a mile away! no?

what makes him a douche or not, is how he decides to handle it from here going forward.

if i am in a committed relationship with a woman and i sense that something is wrong, my instincts are very sharp and they have NEVER been wrong. let me repeat that. THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN WRONG. you bet your sweet ass i am going to do some digging and find out what the fuck is going on. acting unfazed is for shit tests with picking up women, not for ignoring your instincts about your significant (committed relationship) other fucking other people. jesus.

what i would do if i was him, i would break up with her, he senses things are off, he checks and sees that things are off, i would break it off.

he could whine, and pitch a fit, and cry, and beg her not to cheat, he could argue and get possessive < AFC

or he could just go "fuck ya bitch" and boot her ass to the curb and tell her to give him a call when she wants to know what real dick feels like again and he might pencil her in for a good fucking < NOT AFC

acting "unfazed" and "aloof" and "ignoring your instincts < FUCKING RETARDED

There is a lot of contradicting info on this post here...leave, stay, ignore and regardless of what you know or not...you may not know all about her...so this is where you decide, is she worth it?

What I mean is...Ok, you know she cheated before, how...well, you just do.

Now,imagine this, later down the road, you meet another girl, you like her soo much...but she doesn't share her past with you, she simply says she does not have one and none of your friends know anything about her. In your head, you'd be like...Ive got myself a keeper...but the reality is, you don't know what she has done before you...she could have been a compulsive cheater, addict, she may have had a fantasy to meet a complete stranger on craigslist and fuck him silly and guess what...you got yourself a keeper???

My point is that you are letting what she has done in the past worry you.If she is going to cheat, she will, whether you like it or not. That goes for any girl you are with....but it's up to you to decide how you handle you time with her....do you two fight alot, are you needy, do you not pay her any attention...there is a fine balance in all of that when in a RELATIONSHIP and most dont get that...its not all or nothing but more like, a little of everything...THIS is a RELATIONSHIP now...you aren't trying to game her.

Ok...recap...is she worth it? You decide.
Should you mention it? NO
Should you care? NO
Is this the only girl in the world for you? Fk NO!

Enjoy your time with her, keep her thinking about you and how amazing you are...all those other guys wont compare...but that requires a SOLID mindset and concrete inner confidence and game which you will need to work on...we all do...that little shit should not bother you! It wouldn't bother me!

Good luck

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You can't make the same mistake twice, the second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice.

I've got a little bit to say regarding the topic of cheating. It is something that is near and dear to my heart as I am just a couple of years out of a very long term relationship where I was systematically cheated on over an extended period of time by a very deceitful woman whom I loved, trust, and fathered children with.

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For the purpose of this post I am going to describe things from a perspective of PUA mentality versus AFC mentality.

And, for the purpose of this post I am going to define what these terms, PUA mentality and AFC mentality, mean (at least to me in the context of cheating):

PUA mentality: Controlling the situation. I think we can all agree that "controlling the situation" is PUA-like behavior.

AFC mentality: Being controlled by the situation. I think we also agree that "being controlled" is AFC-like behavior.

The underlying question (or theme) that I will refer back to several times throughout this post is this: "Is it truly PUA-like behavior to know that something inappropriate has transpired and yet ignore it or accept it?"

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Hypothetical situation: A guy and a girl are in a mutually agreed upon exclusive-monogamous relationship. The guy senses that something is wrong, but he doesn't know what. All humans have instincts and they are there for a very good reason, our very survival. Our instincts have been honed over thousands upon thousands of generations by our forefathers with each decision they made that led to their "survival". So, it is incredibly (INCREDIBLY) foolish to ignore our instincts. So following his instincts, the guy does a little research (looks in his girlfriend's phone, or looks in his girlfriend's laptop, etc) and BINGO! He hits paydirt! There it is, his girlfriend has initiated contact with an ex-boyfriend or ex-fuckbuddy and she has begun to act differently.

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Next, comes the question: Does the guy find this to be acceptable or unacceptable behavior? I submit that there is not one "right" or "wrong" answer to this question. Each individual has varying levels of what they will or won't tolerate, in relationships or just in general.

* I am going to refer, again, to PUA-like and AFC-like behaviors for just a moment here. The common thought that I hear expressed a lot is that it is PUA-like behavior to "not let things bother you" or to "be essentially unfazed" by what happens around you. I don't necessarily disagree with this mindframe, however, I tend to think that it needs to be put into context. Taken to extremes, this type of permissive (almost aloof) demeanor can lead to literally being walked all over while maintaining delusions of grandeur as some sort of machiavellian genius. Again, context is key. We expect different things in different situations in life. Do we expect the same level of commitment from someone we are casually dating, as opposed to someone we are exclusively dating, as opposed to someone we are engaged/married to? Of course not. With each escalation of "closeness" in a relationship come spoken (and oftentimes, unspoken) new levels of commitment to one another. Context. Whereas it may be okay to look the other way and ignore the fact that someone we are casually dating is talking to other guys, it would however be potentially foolish to ignore the same behavior from a spouse or even an exclusive-monogamous significant other. PUA is good. But all things in life need context. It's like chocolate. It's good for you if it's the proper type, in the proper amounts, and at the proper times.

So, again, the question I referenced above: Does this guy find this to be acceptable or unacceptable behavior? (I disagree that these sorts of things should be brushed off in an attempt to "not let things bother you" and "be essentially unfazed" in an attempt to maintain a PUA-like frame in the situation. I'll explain why I think this is actually strongly AFC-like behavior in the coming paragraphs.

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Let's talk about cheating: We all agree that sexual intercourse and any sort of sexual activity undertaken by someone outside of his or her exclusive-monogamous relationship is cheating (with the exception of swingers, etc). But just as with women and their orgasms, and the fact that 90% of getting them there is mental/emotional, the same holds true for cheating. 90% of cheating for a woman is mental/emotional and therefore those things such as "seeking out an ex-boyfriend or ex-fuckbuddy" and "having private/intimate conversations with him" as well as "meeting up or spending a lot of time talking" are actually not inoccuous behaviors, they are in fact, the beginning steps of the cheating process. Make no mistake, from the moment your girlfriend looks up an old flame on facebook and sends him a friend request saying "Hey, I was just thinking about you and wondered how you were doing" she has begun the process of cheating on you. How far she will go with this process is anyone's guess, but, the process HAS begun.

Why do women cheat? For attention/affection/excitement. Everyone hear will agree that women cheat mainly because they want the attention, affection, and excitement.

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There are two ways for a woman who feels that she is being emotionally neglected to react (ie: not getting enough attention, affection, and excitement):

1. Make her true feelings known (or shown) to her partner and ask for (and work toward) change, and not cheat.

2. Not make her true feelings known (or shown) to her partner, and by a lying, cheating slut.

In its simplest terms, this is really what it comes down to.

Now, I am familiar with the argument that if your are playing your cards right and doing your job that your woman will not be unsatisfied with you and therefore not prone to cheat. However, whether or not one you play your cards right, so to speak, it does not remove the fact that your woman is either a cheater or not a cheater in response.

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There are personality quirks and their are character flaws. Personality quirks are things such as annoying shit tests, or aggravating habits, or exhausting neediness, etc. However, character flaws are things such as dishonesty and infidelity. If your girlfriend has begun to cheat on you and lie to you (whether or not she has had sex with the guy) is it really PUA-like behavior to maintain an aloofness to her conduct in an endeavor "control the frame"? How PUA is it to try to hold onto a woman with a proclivity toward cheating when there are almost 3.5 billion more of them out there, and many of those women would choose option #1 from above (honesty and fidelity) over option #2 (dishonesty and infidelity).

Like stated above, I have found great wisdom in the PUA community, but the one common theme that I've seen expressed time and time again is that the most important thing in the world is to "act aloof" and "be unfazed" by what your woman does. I get it, I do. And I don't necessarily disagree with this statement or point-of-view, however CONTEXT is crucial. It is one thing to ignore shit tests from a girl we are dating, and it is entirely another thing to ignore dishonesty/infidelity from someone we are in an exclusively monogamous relationship with.

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Personally, I won't tolerate any "dabbling" in cheating from a woman that has agreed to a monogamous relationship with me. And I don't think that this collides with PUA-like mentality unless you act like a needy douchebag once you realize you are being gamed by a girl. Honestly, I think that having strongly held core beliefs about what you will and won't tolerate from a partner is very strong PUA behavior because it is being genuinely "alpha" and not "machiavallian".

In closing, I am all for seeing things from a PUA mentality, but at some point in life, with big decisions, you've got to put aside "being a PUA" or "keeping frame control" and actually make decisions based on your deeply held core moral/ethical beliefs.

It is my deeply held moral/ethical belief that if a woman I am exclusive with is dabbling in infidelity and looking for get other penises in her vagina, that I am not going to look the other way and pretend it isn't happening and jedi mind trick myself into thinking that I don't care. No, instead, I am going to act swiftly to take the power back and make a decision to either be okay with it or to not be okay with it.

That IS true alpha behavior. Going for what you want, knowing what you will accept, and not playing games.

However, ignoring your god-given instincts, acting aloof as to transgressions, and pretending to be unfazed by things that genuinely bother you IS ACTUALLY A FORM OF ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE CONTROLLED BY THE SITUATION! OR......STRONGLY AFC BEHAVIOR.