| The topic has been touched on in previous threads but seeing as how problems related to LDRs always seem to surface, a more thorough take on the topic seemed appropriate. An LDR for our purposes refers to any monogamous relationship where you and your girl are separated by an encumbering distance or any set of circumstances that keeps the both of you apart. This means it can be a relationship that was long-distance from the start, or a relationship that eventually progressed into an LDR due to choices that were made later on (perhaps you split for graduate school, work, or travel). Even if you’re currently not in a long distance relationship, I suggest you read this post as it’s likely you’ll come across a similar situation in the future and an understanding of its complexities (that are rather simple) will inevitably come to be useful.
While the differences in LDRs are obvious, their implications are often not. When you and your girlfriend are separated, most of the things you can do to preserve competitive anxiety and interest are moot. When you see her infrequently, it is seen as a result of being separated by distance, NOT as a result of you being busy or having other things to do. It does nothing for attraction if you have so much work that you would need to cancel on a date, because the opportunity to cancel or to be less available will never present itself. You cannot increase attraction as easily per say because she will never wonder “I haven’t seen him in a week?! What’s he up to?” She will attribute your absence to more practical reasons.
Now you may argue that you still COULD cancel on shit and be unavailable, by shaving off some opportunities to see her even when they are there, but then your game begins to skate on thin ice. Remember you CANNOT break too much rapport, or she will leave you anyways, blaming your lack of affection on the distance and seeing an exit out of the relationship as her best option. Women may not be the most logical of people, but their emotions are not one-dimensional. She may miss you more and more but at one point, her imperative to gain a certain amount of affection and approval WILL kick in, and she will either opt to date a more loving and available man or dump you out of sheer resentment.
Building competitive anxiety has the same problem. She will never “see” you talking to another girl or observe your suave-as-a-god Game in action; or at least she won’t see either too often. And if you HINT towards your ability to stray, you run the same risk isolated above.
The dilemma seems impossible to solve, but where there is game, there is always a way. You will recall from basic psychology that first impressions are EXTREMELY important on people. They establish the overruling filters that will be used to perceive all of your behavior in the future. They are VERY difficult to break, and one of the primary reasons why once you get LJBFed by a girl, it’s unlikely you’ll be getting out. And on the other hand, once you are perceived to be Alpha, a Halo effect takes place and all your rather dubious behavior somehow gets rationalized under a nonsensical light.
This idea, combined with women’s propensity to IMAGINE and constantly wonder “what’s my boyfriend doing?” or “what’s my husband thinking?” can be used to solve the problems inherent in every long distance relationship. Say you date her for 2 weeks and then she goes on a 2-month hiatus. Or say you’re only going to see her for a week and then be gone for a month. For that span of time, run game AS TIGHTLY as possible; while maintaining rapport. Unlike regular relationships where you can BREAK RAPPORT to build attraction, you must concentrate on building both simultaneously. So rather than making a blatantly exaggerated move on another girl w/ plausible deniability, you’ll want to perhaps just flirt with some or another to subtly indicate your abilities to be charismatic. Instead of negging your girlfriend hard or freezing her out, you’ll want to just tease her to innocently hint towards your higher status and playful/positive attitude.
Ultimately, the distance between you two can be morphed into an advantage. You only need to game tight for a short period of time, meaning you probably won’t regress into beta mode accidentally by being caught off guard. By only slightly flirting or teasing, you SUGGEST possibilities to her, and her imagination does the rest. You have LESS WORK cut out for you. Once you’re back at home, you don’t need to worry about constantly escalating secksual tension; you can focus instead on things you WANT to focus on like the gym or work. You pull smoothly and keep up a James Bond aura for 2 days, and she assumes for the rest of the month that your natural state is exactly that. She doesn’t see you back at home jerking off to fetish porn crying from secksual frustration.
Likewise, save vulnerability game for phone conversations. In a close relationship you can run vulnerability game face to face and quickly contrast it with a cocky/funny attitude or amusement; but in LDRs you run the same risk of leaving insecurity as your final impression. And better yet, the rush of rapport and special affection that comes with vulnerability game will give her something to sleep on during your time apart. So run it during one of those emotional phone conversations. And while you’re doing it, don’t be seen over a web cam. Let her wonder what you must look like “vulnerable” since she’s never seen it.
It is important then, that you also realize broken man game DOES NOT work, nor does trying to push/pull too hard. These are tactics for close relationships where you can push/pull to keep a girl floating between unconditional/conditional love. BUT if you use this in an LDR, you run the risk of keeping your push attitude AS THE LASTING impression on her. That’s not what you want. Your mercy and love must be equal to your wrath and apathy; she must be afraid to lose you, but not so much so that she doubts there’s any chance of keeping you.
So how do you handle shit tests and fights that occur when you see her? You’re not seeing her for a long time, so you can’t both be stubborn. But in this area, you MUST trust that you have enough attraction for her to come back to you. If she DOES NOT and still acts stubborn, the relationship must be dropped. You CANNOT give in thinking, “fuck this is my only chance at pussy, I need to apologize and take it.” That’s how secksually lacking relationships being their spiral, and it’s not the precedent you want between the two of you. Remember she can play the pussy card WAY TOO fucking easily in an LDR, which means you need to be all the more patient and dominant. Do not beg or supplicate for it. If you don’t like that you’re not getting any, go fuck another girl.
Seriously, go fuck another girl. LDRs are like any other relationship; you cannot be dependent on them. If you are unhappy with one, leave it. With an abundance mentality comes the realization that there is never a good enough reason, nor is it even plausible, for a man to entertain an LDR. The idea is perverse – attention without secks. A violation of what men are supposed to get out of a relationship. It’s exactly how Oneiteses start. She’s all you could get, so you latch onto her, and assume a long-distance relationship is your best option and she’s the best thing that ever happened in your life. It’s a difficult thing to admit, but most relationships are glued together by desperation rather than love. Which begs the question itself – is love not just a desperate need to possess?
The shortcoming on the men’s side of the dynamic, the fact that secks is much less present in long distance relationships, brings up another obvious flaw. You inevitably sub-communicate to a girl LESS value if you are willing to stay in a long-distance relationship. It sounds harsh, but it’s true for EVERY SINGLE long distance relationship. And the only way around it is the same one as above. Be Alpha. If you come from a position of above, your girlfriend thinks, “Oh, wow, I can’t believe I can get a guy like that to be willing to stay in a long distance relationship.” If you come from a position below, she thinks “mwahaha, what a fuckin loser, I’m probably all he can get.” She will neither consciously think of this or even be slightly aware of it; but that’s exactly what her hamster is thinking. She will reactively assume what she has been conditioned to think, that long-distance relationships are a sort of norm for young-age couples and that the obstacles present (like lack of secks) are good screens for “nice guys.”
The traps in long-distance relationships are amplified versions of the ones in regular relationships. Without a strong first impression, competitive anxiety will always be favored in her direction because you know she’ll be getting hit on no matter where she goes. If you give in to jealousy and beta backslide, expect a crushingly remorseful LJBF soon enough. From the girl’s perspective, an LDR is a “test” for her relationship. She wants you to be that egotistical cold/loving asshole, but it’s so easy for you to become that resentful beta that she immediately mirrors any loss of attraction as “I knew we couldn’t do it,” or “this was a bad idea.”
The two BIGGEST mistakes in LDRs are beta-backsliding because you can’t handle lack of secks / the anxiety that comes from distance (is she talking to other guys? WTF IS SHE DOING?! I’m gonna apologize, I need some fuckin poon) and your social conditioning. Remember that the cultural apparatus around you, with its emasculating dogma, has taught you to idolize a misplaced sense of loyalty. So you go and see your girlfriend for the first time after 3 months and what do you do? You make it a POINT to show her “look at me, I never talk to other girls or think about them, and you are the # 1 priority in my life. I would be willing to relocate for you.” They think their loyalties will be reciprocated with an equal amount of love, but instead, they establish the IMPRESSION of unconditional love which gets perpetuated by her imagination the entire 2 months that you’re gone and at the end of it, your left with an LJBF scribbled on a post-it and a sad story about how she made a “mistake” with another guy.
But fuck, we already know none of that glittery bullshit is true, and how it always ends up, right? That’s why we’re all here.
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CHAT
