So here's the rundown.

To start, it helps to know that I have issues with overthinking emotional matters; so keep that in mind while reading.

I've been dating the same girl for about one year. We've gotten incredibly close, and every time I believe that I'm being "needy", it would turn out that she reciprocates my feeling, and usually with more intensity.

So being too invested really isn't the problem.

She's 8 years older than I am, and that have never bothered either of us, until recently. She's going through a very rough depression, and she's been very critical of everything, including our relationship. The other day she said two things that really bothered me, the first being that our relationship revolved around sex, and that if she was dating someone who was older than her he would "understand" her better. Both of these statements (as even she would later confess) are undeniably false, and they came to her mind when she was having a rough fight with depression. So that argument on its own wasn't really a big deal.

My true concern is that when I asked her why she had said those things, she told me that people in her life have been telling her that my age is a reason to disqualify me, and that I'm basically a "child' (even though I'm far more focuses/mature than anyone in her social circle). All of these arguments passed, and after several talks, we've gotten back to how we were, and our love is stronger than ever.

But after all was said and done, I feel like I'm having trouble being secure with myself. I'm in college, and although I make time for her, I feel as if my potential is overshadowed that I don't have a piece of paper that certifies me to work anywhere, and people in her life may be more financially secure than I am. I worry about her all the time, I wonder what she's doing, and I'm trying not to text her when I think of her, since lately it's been all the time. Logically, I know I can trust her. She's never betrayed my trust, she's never lied to me about where she is and who she's with, and the amount of investment she puts in to our relationship is astronomical. But I catch myself being emotionally invested in the most ridiculous situations-

The other night, she spent the night at my house, and I felt great all day. We both did. And then, all of a sudden, she got a text later in the evening (she works a night shift) from someone who wasn't saved in her phone, and my entire mood was crushed. I felt emotionally weak, and worried. She addressed it later, and knew that it bothered me. She showed me the text, and it was simply one of her co-workers asking if she would cover his shift.

She's never once given me any reason to doubt her, but lately I've been "watching" my words; being careful of everything I say. We love each other for who we are, and I'm literally catching myself saying "what would I do in this situation"? It's ridiculous. I've been thinking of her all the time, and I'm constantly worried about what she's doing and who she's with, even though from everything I know about her, that it's fine. I haven't been like this since before I read The Game, and I know that this "phase" I'm in could be deadly for this relationship, which has incredible potential.

I'm acting irrationally, and I know that something like one text message that she let me read should not demolish my mood for the day, affect my sleep, and then affect me for most of the next day. I've often been unable to trust men, so I always feel like they have motive; that they're after her (and many do, as it would seem). How can I get this off my mind, and just "be myself"?

Thanks!

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I'm not your Mr. Right, I'm your Mr. Right Now .

When you get close to a woman in a relationship, sometimes you can become too dependent on them. Then, when you sense that you are too dependent on them, you become protective of something that you "think" you need because you feel dependent on it.

When you think these thoughts, remember how your life was at the very moments before you met this woman. Realize that if she is 8 years your senior and has friends who are telling her that your age should disqualify you that it very well could be jealousy and nothing more. You're a mature, college stud, right? What woman in her late 20s or early 30s wouldn't want a young college guy who can meet their sexual appetite. (Women hit their peak right around 30 or so).

Remind yourself that you were fine and happy without this woman in your life. Remind yourself that happiness for the rest of your life is not dependent on being with this woman. You are with her (I hope) because she brings you joy, helps you grow, and makes helps make you the best you can be. Ideally you do the same for her.

One thing I learned the hard way from failed relationships and a failed marriage is that a partner who helps facilitate you becoming "needy" is not really helping you be the best man you can be. A woman who can help you or force you to not be needy likely will be someone you respect and are genuinely happy to be with. It seems possible to me that if your girl has mental issues and struggles with depression that you're reciprocating her neediness because you recognize that demonstrating you need her makes her feel better in a time of depression. I know little about depression as a medical condition, but for healthy people, becoming needy is not something that will be appreciated long term in a relationship. Seems like you recognize that and that's why you posted.

Hope I helped a little bit and made some sense.

That does help, actually. It's so hard, because I know that she loves me for me, and I feel that same way about her. I feel like in many instances in which we argue about topics similar to these, I'm not saying how I actually feel. Rather I'll say something that I think will make her less angry/sad, but it leaves this feeling inside that I (1) lied, (2) have to wonder if she's okay.

Being concerned to some degree is natural, but this can't be all I think about; it's driving me nuts for nothing. More than certainly, I also don't want this to affect my interactions with other women; I don't mind investing more in an LTR since it's ultimately the whole point of being a PUA for me, but I also know that regardless of which stage in the game you're in, pre-selection and independence are always attractive. She's very beautiful; so I know that too much of me is never good; even if I'm not acting needy, I'm concerned that a needy "vibe" will resonate from our interactions.

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I'm not your Mr. Right, I'm your Mr. Right Now .

I advise you to do some reading about relationships and codependency. The more you know about such things the more you can distinguish between real problems and normal ebbs and flows of a LTR. No real relationship is positive day in and day out. As long as the positives far outweigh the negatives, then you benefit from it.

The negatives help you learn and help you appreciate the positives.

I will say this. I read a book recently on passivity. Your comments about feeling like you lied or feeling guilty seems to me like a REAL relationship problem. Not saying that it's over or should be, but seems like a real problem that can lead to more problems, etc. The book I'm referring to is The Half Lived Life.......

In order for a relationship to be sustainable, you have to be honest with your partner, and you can't do that if you're saying what you think she wants or needs to hear versus what you really think or feel. Expressing your true feelings is what makes people BOTH feel close. Saying what the other person wants to hear likely will make her feel close, but not you, because you're not being intimate in the relationship.

Again, this is hard to advise because it sounds like she has a real medical condition. I'm not qualified to comment on that sort of thing, but when she is healthy and you think you truly understand the dynamics, I'd definitely get her involved with your thinking.

I really know where you are coming from, i have experienced sort of the same for around 2 months, with up and downs.
Theres a lot of details to my situation, so i will try just to mention the most important.
My girl has really deep confidence, and don't need shallow attention to feel confirmed, also she is a very good person who i could never imagine cheating on me. These were also some of the qualities i felt in love with.

we had been going out for 3 months when an episode sort of twisted my look on our relationship, i saw pictures of her and her ex's and though it may seem like no big deal it really hurtet my feelings.

Since then i have been more or less the same as you, getting frustrated when she was drunk, and really letting my emotions run out of control over small situations, that most of the time actually just were me looking at things from a weird perspective.. So i guess the problem is my emotions, cause when i asked my self if i should get frustrated over a particular situation, i would always trick my mind into believing that the situation was actually worse then it actually was. When i then came into a got period for some hours, and then looked at the same situation, i would be able to see that it was just me, interpreting things completely wrong..

The thing that helped me (though i am actually not completely out of this feeling..) was to invest more feelings into things, it helps me get more and more periods where i can see things clear and i feel okay, and are not to worry about her.
i still get my feelings out of hands some times, but i feel like the normal me is starting to takeover again!

so keep fighting there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

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My mind have an idea of what i deserve - i will go beyond it

Thanks, man! I feel that it's all I've thought about for the last couple of days; I'm so depressed, and it's preventing me from accomplishing as much as I usually do in my day to day life. I'm having trouble at work and in class. I'm a worrier; before I joined the community, girls I favored would always go for other guys; sometimes I jsut feel really low-value, and worry that she feels like I am.

But I know I'm not; I've got more love and ambition to offer than anyone in her world. It's just hard to (cheesy moment) tell my heart what my mind already knows.

_________________
I'm not your Mr. Right, I'm your Mr. Right Now .

I feel like I relate to the OP.

I was in a relationship where I was constantly overthinking everything, she'd get a text, I'd wonder who it was from. She wouldn't answer my calls because her phone was in her handbag and was on vibrate whilst she was in a noisy bar, and I'd be reduced to a ball of pathetic worry. A mutual friend of her and her ex tagged them both in a status (they frequented the same pub) and I instantly jumped to conclusions and dumped her. By this point I had killed it, though we did stay together for maybe three more weeks. She did play a few games which didn't help my insecurities, but it was entirely me and my issues that ruined it.

Take a step back, don't be so available and work on yourself. I have been working extremely hard on my inner game and have seen massive turnarounds and great results.

Whenever you're freaking out about something, think to yourself "Do I want to feel this way?" If the answer is no, then it's your emotional mind rampaging unwantedly and overriding all reason and logic. Take some time out to exorcise it, run through everything you're thinking and let it vent until you can calm yourself and realise that you're being irrational

wow sounds to me that we are a lot a like

I was telling my girl about my feelings, and she kept telling me that they were stupid and that she wanted me to know, that if the two of us were to break up, i would be able to get another girl, cause i just really am a catch, and so unique. (her words) And it actually kind of helped me!

It might help you to go through some of the posts i have made in this forum, they are about the same thing and i got some really good replies that helped me through it.

What made the greatest change, i believe, were a studytrip i went on with my class, it really made me realise that i could have fun with my class, and enjoy other things in life, cause my biggest problem was that i had made my girlfriend my whole world !

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My mind have an idea of what i deserve - i will go beyond it

You guys, this is terrible. Geesh. You sound like a bunch of women.

OP stop all that behavior. If you don't want those people to think you are immature, then man up. Your insecurity is the issue.

As a man your state and your well being need to come from inside. There is no reason for you not to think that you are awesome. It's all in your head. Start working on creating the life you want. Keep flirting with girls and seeing that you have tons of options. Don't be an emotional crutch for your partner. It sounds like she controls you with her moods. Stop letting her do this.

Just be fine with yourself. Be strong and fun. If your girl is depressed then take her by the hand and get out and do something. Don't let her control the interaction. Stop concerning yourself so much about her.

You're really got your work cut out for you, my friend.

I agree with you, but it isn't as easy as saying "STOP DOING THAT!" Emotional issues such as the OP has and I have and have had to a certain extent are heavily ingrained behaviours entrenched throughout your life. Undoing them cannot be done with willpower alone, I've tried it.

It takes thorough introspection and learning about yourself to really break these habits. Sitting there, in the middle of an emotional whirlwind where you're overthinking things, getting jealous and insecure etc cannot be countered by just suppressing it with willpower. The emotional mind is far too strong.

Telling someone with these issues to just "man up" and stop it, is like saying "Oh look, just stop taking that bloody heroin! It's a right nuisance" to a smackhead.

I spent a month or two reading books and doing exercises to improve my inner game to help overcome emotional paranoia and insecurity that was absolutely crippling my relationships and happiness.

I get what you are saying, but change often happens in an instant. The preparation for change can take years or a lifetime, but many changes happen when someone decides they simply won't let those things bother them anymore.

Things like jealousy are always going to be present, but yes, the guy needs to see it and decide not to let it impact him. A person has to feel it, identify it, then actively choose to not act on it. That's being a man, I believe. Also, I don't think that heroin use and emotional issues are a good comparison. There is no physical addition involved in emotional issues. It's just patterns.

If you look into an author like BJ Fogg or Tony Robbins you see that making changes isn't so difficult. The first thing is deciding then like you did having a plan to fix it.

Guys just need to decide to be fine with themselves. I am not perfect, I have plenty of insecurities, but I decided that I am fine with myself. It was a decision: I'm okay.

One thing that helped me when I was around 23 was that I just stopped girls completely. I decided I wouldn't get into any relationships for one year. All girls were friends with no chance of anything else happening. I was no longer concerned if a girl called me or not. Girls just stopped impacting me. I learned a lot about boundries, about not being needy, about controlling the frame.

If a guy is willing to remove his crutches then he is forced to find another way to walk.

I agree COMPLETELY. With everyone, not just your post. you have no idea how much this is helping me, everyone. It's also worth mentioning that I have a social disorder than tends to make me obsessive. It's good, because I can identify "red-flag" behaviors that I know will take me down a spiral, but it's very hard to escape once I've gotten caught in a cycle. I feel as if the only way to rid myself of an obsession is to find a new one; my main obsession are usually positive ones: education, music, finance. I really do well at all of those practices too, because I become so determined, but it has terrible consequences when I get interested in a situation I don't have such accurate control over.

My problem here is something I am going to just have to fight; and I'm looking for any advice from anyone who's willing to give it. I can't do this anymore; it's completely unhealthy, and could ultimately be a self-fulfilling prophecy if I fail to fix it. I haven't felt this way about another person in my whole life (emotionally attached), and not even close for a long time.

I know I can do this guys; I just find myself scared and worried about who I am, and this is NOT ME!

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I'm not your Mr. Right, I'm your Mr. Right Now .

Jesus why are guys so hard on themselves. Why stick this kind of stupid label on yourself. Probably if you talked to more guys (and, for hell's sake, just reading these boards should clue you in) you'd find that most guys suffer from this "disorder" This is core to being a man. It helps us to focus in on that animal that we're hunting.

Every single guy on this forum needs to just say, I'm fine. The more you read the more you see that the guys who are PUAs are just interesting, cool guys who are pretty fine with themselves.

Repeat after me: I'm okay. Life is good. Let's find some women to sex up.

This is an interesting topic for sure, thought it's sort of morphed into something that maybe shouldn't be in the relationship forum.

To the point about not being able to just hear point blank the truth and change at the snap of a finger, I only say this: It can never hurt to have the truth plainly stated, especially in a forum where you can read it as many times as you like. Don't brush aside good advice as being "easier said than done." Recognize that it is not going to be easy, but appreciate that a guy took the time to provide objective review.

To the point about jealousy, it is a normal feeling, but that doesn't make it a productive one. If this site has taught me anything it is that unsubstantiated jealousy is a problem that I should exert effort to overcome. There is a difference, a big one, in being insanely jealous for nor reason and having limits and standards that you try to adhere to and expect those close to you to adhere to as well.

The goal should not be to never be jealous. It should be to make sure any jealousy you have is substantiated, and that the behavior that creates it is either dealt with, or removed from your life. It should only be a temporary experience, not something you continually have to battle.

I found this very helpfull http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/ove ... tionships/

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My mind have an idea of what i deserve - i will go beyond it