Do you guys ever find yourself struggling with this issue?

I feel like I have issues in this department at the moment. I want something that I know I didn't want before, and it likely is just because there is a real possibility that I can't have it. I'm struggling with this right now with my girl, and thoughts about someone else.

Interesting to use a strategy to make someone like you, yet I seem worthless at controlling the same principle applied to myself. Anybody have any tips in this regard? I'd really like to not treat my girl like shit just because cat string has me focused on someone else. Likewise, I can see some cat string behavior with my girl and we have a falling out too.

I don't know, maybe this belongs in the inner game section, I posted it here because it applies to my current relationship. So, how do you guys deal with this?

I assume since there were no responses yet that I worded the question poorly. I'm sure all guys struggle with this sometimes.

In a nutshell, I'm finding that I'm in a committed relationship that is pretty good. I've got a great girl. And every once in awhile I come across someone new that trips my trigger, and I find myself focusing on the girl I can't have because I'm with a great girl already. I'd really like to be better at not letting those thoughts affect my current relationship.

Likewise, I lack urgency in my current relationship, but when she shows disinterest or starts to feel distant, she becomes the focal point of my attention again. This has to be cat string behavior on my part. Just looking for tips on how you to keep it to a minimum, because it doesn't make me feel like a great guy to realize that my girl got less than my best because I was distracted with someone else whom I cannot have at the moment.

ya I think this happens to practically everybody. As young men we are obsessed with sexual challenge, to conquer. Its biological, when the girl is drooling on you, you want a challenge of a new girl. When she gets distant you want to conquer that challenge. The solution? good question, because I would love to know as well. I think you just need to make a choice. Either stay with her and totally accept the fact that at some points you might want other girls. Or, say screw that I dont want to deal with wanting other girls, and leave her and totally accept that that is a challenge you cant conquer anymore and go conquer some other challenges.

I'm just looking for tips or ideas that might help a guy when faced with this to take a deep breath and say, I know why I feel this way, and I need to just think objectively with my head as to why I feel the way I do and what I really want to do about it. When I'm not able to do this well, I feel like I'm just jerking her around, and she will let me, which is not attractive to me, I think because it makes me feel like she has low self esteem. Almost feels sometimes like I want someone who will just not put up with my own bullshit, like I wouldn't put up with any, just to keep me in check. Wish my girl would do that, for her own good as well as my own.

Ive been following this thread, and I might get why you lose attraction towards your girlfriend now. It's not because of cat-string theory. It sounds to me like right now you don't have everything you think you want in a relationship. That's why you come across something new that trips your trigger. You "come across it" because you're still looking.

You want someone who will not put up with your bullshit?--Sounds like you're shit testing her to see if she can handle being on your team, and on your level. Intentionally or unintentionally.

How long have you been together? Maybe her being a wimp is all in your head, and you'll see that with time, and by getting to know her better.

Langlo, you hit the nail on the head. I don't have everything that I want in a relationship. I've been with her for a long time, we are married, we have kids, just basically have a lot of life invested in each other. I've known for awhile now that I don't have everything I want in a relationship, mainly was is missing is my level of emotional attraction, my desire to be with her. That's not because she is a bitch or a bad person in any way, she's great, I just don't love the time I spend with her. I've told her as much, and she has tried to change, which almost has the opposite effect because it feels like she's changing to appease me, not because she wants to improve herself. We had good days and bad days, but usually the bad days I end up feeling like I am as much at fault than she is.

You summed this up pretty simply. Although not intentionally, I think I am testing her all the time to measure improvement or gauge how much better or closer to what I want the relationship has gotten. I'll admit, I'm afraid to throw in the towel because I don't want to regret not having tried everything and wondering "what if we'd have tried X, Y, or Z." She's a great girl, but not exactly what I want. I just figured that out after a lot was already invested. And the last 6 months I've felt like I just jerked her around, especially because my feelings largely haven't changed.

I've been telling her all sorts of shit regarding what I want for over 6 months. I'm not sure if it's time to throw in the towel, but I thank you sir for making me aware of what's actually going on. Funny how someone else' issue can be black and white, but when it's my own, I can't see the forest for the trees.

In your words, she's a "great girl" but you don't feel attracted emotionally.
You've been with her for a long time, married, kids. You have a lot invested.
You don't want to regret not having tried everything.

It's good you're aware of the situation, and it looks like you're honestly committed to seeing it through. You're not emotionally checked out, and waiting for your cue to exit. -When you're waiting for your cue... that's your cue.

You've been telling her what you want for over 6 months.
She has tried to change, which has the opposite effect.
On bad days you end up feeling like you are as much at "fault" as she is.

What exactly have you been asking for over the last 6 months?
Is she trying to change in the ways you ask, or at random?
Do you have a clear understanding of what you need in a relationship? Are you communicating this?
If you feel it's as much your "fault" then what could YOU be doing? Maybe stop the shit-tests and maybe more.

I have to admit, I fucked this relationship up in a lot of ways. So has she. Since then, we’ve tried a lot of different including buying a second home and separating, moving back in, etc. There are times when I have been completely emotionally checked out, and so has she. Fear of not being self sufficient, being alone, all that same shit that we all know shouldn’t be a factor was. Basically, there have been times when we’ve both been checked out, other times, one of us has been, and a few instances where we both felt good. But the latter is few and far between.

Basically, like you said, I don’t have everything I want. I settled for her. She’s a great person, isn’t manipulative, and is a great lay. Those things I like. But she doesn’t stimulate my mind, she is emotionally reserved, meaning she doesn’t express herself at all, and she avoids conflict at all cost.

I do have a very clear understanding of what I need, and have done a damn good job communicating this to her. She will admit this. I want to really feel lucky to be with her, and because of what she is not, I don’t feel lucky. I need someone who stimulates my mind, who helps me be the best I can be instead of settling for who I am today. I need someone who wants to assess a conflict or issue and find a solution rather than avoiding it or pushing it into the background and pretending it doesn’t matter. We even tried me filling these needs outside the marriage, but really, these are things I want in a partner, not in a friend.

Now knowing what I want and need, she says she is trying to change or improve, because she knows these are not bad qualities to have. Yet I see or feel zero improvement. I think if there was improvement on her part, I would be drawn to her more. She’s not trying to change at random, she’s just trying to change who she is. I think she is failing, because it’s not easy, and because deep inside what I want her to become is not what is in her DNA.

As far as what I could be doing? I have asked myself this question, and the answer is, I’ve hung around. I’ve tried to tell her what I am attracted to, drawn to, and what things I do not find attractive in her, like my idea or theory that she has low self esteem. I tell her when she does things that I do find attractive. I guess I’ve just tried to give her information. I’ve also asked her to reciprocate, tell me what it is she wants from me, ways I could improve. She still cannot tell me, possibly because she is so focused on fixing herself on my issues that she hasn’t thought about mine.

Now that I’m aware of it, the shit tests surely will stop. I think I’ve just been a baby when she reaches the point of exhaustion, and instead of letting her go, I’ve gotten insecure and afraid. I feel like it’s time to just man up and let her go, and tell her to change who she is if she wants to be something else, not for me or for our marriage. And if someday we both are what each other wants, and we’re both still available when that happens, then we can always resurrect a marriage.

I’d rather let something happen than force it to happen, and I feel like we, or I, am just forcing change rather than accepting what is best.

One thing is for sure, nothing about this process has been pleasant or easy. But I appreciate the objective review. When considering your own issues, it’s easy to let your emotions or your desired outcome influence the perception of what is to change it into what you want it to be.