So I've tended to occasionally be selfish in my LTR, but that has consequently risked the wrath of my GF. I have routinely decided to go out with my friends, or play 5-aside football instead of seeing her, and she has naturally been upset whenever I have done so. The issue is that she has NEVER EVER put any activity of her own ahead of meeting me. She has always prioritised seeing me ahead of any hobby or activity of her own. So whenever a friend has called to party with her, she has refused if she was able to see me on that same day, and this has been the case whenever she was offered to do something beyond meeting me.

As a result, she has put forth this argument that I am selfish, whilst she is completely selfless when it comes to me, and she is absolutely spot on. I do try to convince her that I need to do some things for myself, like I decided I would party (I need to party, without her, of course) on her day off this week, and she is very angry with me because of that. Especially, as she would never do so if the situation was reversed, and the thing is, I can't defend myself as she is right. So how do I justify myself?(as I am being selfish in a way that she would never be)

man-o-man

i know that argument my ex did it to me all the time.

so what i did was put together a routine so that at least one day a week(the same day every week, unless family or work came up) so what happens is that say you choose Mondays from 6pm to 10pm to be with her no matter what. and aslong as you clarify that the rules so that you and her understand it, and if you stay true to the rules then you guys shouldnt have that argument. because she will see you telling your mates that you cant hangout with them because your with your girl. she will feel like you are making a effort to keep her happy.

let me know if you understand what i am saying

good luck man

Sounds like her identity is, or has been swallowed up by the relationship. While you struggle to maintain your life as well as the life of the relationship, she's pretty much subjugated herself to the relationship in every way.

I think it would be healthy for her to find a life outside the relationship as well as in it. And I think it's unhealthy for her to expect you to sacrifice your identity for the relationship.

I do not see her behavior, sacrificing every opportunity she might have when it collides with possible together time, as being selfless.

And I do not see you wanting to have some "ME" time with your friends or away from her as being selfish.

Of course this doesn't dive into if there are other issues, like if she fears infidelity, maybe validly? I don't know, but this whole situation seems like the symptom of something deeper.

I understood you perfectly Shane.

The thing is, I have generally been great to her, and she knows it. This girl literally cannot believe her luck, and she persistently says just as much to me. I know I'm blowing my own horn, but she often states how the way I make her feel, and the things I do to her, are completely new to her. She always claims how she cannot believe or understand why she feels the way she does around me, almost like I've put her under a magic spell. I've got her to do things she has never done before. The thing is, she was independent, and was a classic outgoing party girl. A feisty tigress on top of that(who struggles to get along perfectly with many people), but I've tamed her, and she's now smitten. So much so, that she never wants to leave my side. She fights for every minute to be with me. Furthermore, she lost her room and her job, and I'm the reason she has now found a new home and job, so she wants to be all over me. The other problem is that her best friends and family are in another country, so I'm the only person in her life that loves her that is at arms reach. Her friends in the UK, are friends, but not close enough to go out of her way to meet them.

Wow. That's actually fairly scary. Are you one of the first "real" loves she's ever had? This sounds a lot like first true love syndrome, where the girl over-idealizes the relationship which puts tremendous pressure on you.

Read through your last post about her and look at the things she's saying. It's like you are the source of all of her happiness. The God's spoke, and there you were, custom crafted to solve all of her problems and bring her to the life she always wanted.

Combine that with the obsessive need to spend any time she can with you, at the sacrifice of any other social activities, and it starts looking like you are the one and only true source of happiness she has. This means any time you spend not with her is robbing her of her only true happiness time.

If it were me, which it's not, so TAKE THIS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT PLEASE, I would exit stage left. I have ended relationships like this before, and it always results in tears, proclamations about how her life is ruined if you leave her, etc.. etc...

It's a hard call to make, I know. Being idolized is a hard train to get off of. But in the end, I prefer more realistic balanced relationships.

In fact, I have a three part rule for getting into any long term relationship:

1) A girl must have had, and been crushed by, her first over-idealized "true love"
2) A girl must have moved out and lived for a time on her own.
3) A girl must have lived with other non-family people for a while (like college dorm, etc)

If those things haven't happened, then parts of her personal growth haven't occurred.

IMHO

--Aeron

You said you tamed a independent girl. and thats good and all but the reason she was so independent in the first place was because her identity was independence. i agree with what Aeron says. she knows she is lucky and is happy to be with you but she is new to it. you need to push her to have her own life or you need to become what she wants you to be.

anyways i also suggest sitting down and talking calmly and rationally with her about the expectations and tell her yours. and find a middle ground. make her a part of your life and make her have you as a part of her life and not all of it.

Good Luck Buddy

Your assessment is scarily accurate. I am the best thing about her day. I would say with some ease that I am the source of her happiness 99% of the time. When she was out of a job, this was further exacerbated by the fact that she literally did nothing all day, and would spend the rest of her time with me when I had finished work. She's at a stage where she will miss me 30 minutes after having seen her. Hell, all of this reads very bad, and she sounds like a psychotic girl, though to be fair, I call her a psycho quite often. However, I don't mind it as much as you would think. I actually love the attention she gives me, even if sometimes it can go over top. She wants to marry me, have my children, all of which was said almost a month into the relationship.(We are 3 months in.)

I've done some unforgivable things to her, like lying that I had been at home, when I was out, and rejecting 62 miss calls, but she has still forgiven me, when any other girl would have dumped my arse. She does love me A LOT, and I believe she did so from very early on, and I only recently professed my love for her. She has never had anyone like me, and she has never felt as deeply for anyone like me, so I think this has only made her want me even more. Furthermore, I don't want to party with her, nor have I allowed her to come to my home (I'm Muslim, live with my parents, and could never entertain a non-Muslim girl.), nor do I let her come to football with me, all of which has severely frustrated her, and has been hotly discussed throughout our relationship. Despite, preventing her from sharing my passions, it hasn't made much difference to her feelings for me.

FTLS thats always fun.

you need to either indulge her fantasies or bring her back to reality.

either way your gonna have a long road ahead

This is typical. I know from current experience.

I hate my life.

FTLS?

SmoothOP, what do you mean by it's typical? Have you experienced this also, and if so, frequently?

First True Love Syndrome

In my opinion, she's the one being selfish not giving you your space but at the same time, she seems to really love you and she deserves just as much as she gives..

Hey dude,

Yeah this is very typical. How long have you been with your girl?

Basically I have noticed lots of women act this way due to their main goal (raise a family with YOU). I honestly have not figured out a way to deal with this. I basically just take the bullet and have her mad at me for a day or so.

My GF has also gave up her friends and has zero hobbies(besides cuddling) and it fucking drives me nuts lol. Also they tend to lose contact with friends so this makes it impossible for you to hang with your own on your own. I have explained that I enjoy my hobbies/male bonding time and need it occasionally to releave lifes stresses. I think a solid talk with her may work for you. But seriously man, I'm 100% sure that 98% of women are stage 5 cling-ons and want to be attached at the waist. I'm sorry I offer no help since I just take the shit storms when I stroll in at 3am on saturday night wasted.

Sorry