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Hey Locke
Sorry man but this is going to be a long one. Its just I have been reading through your posts and your fooking wise, plus, well, this is my relationship, more than just a post, it means alot to me.
So i thanks you in advance for any you will graaciously bestow upon me.
Ok here goes. I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months now and it really is intense. The highs and the lows are absolute. We met in college, there was something there from the first second we saw each other, we have both said it, and a few weeks later after little flirty and intense interactions i asked for her number. From the second i first text her there seemed to be something bigger and more intimate than just a random, two people slightly attracted to each other meeting. I think we both knew that we were going to be more than just a fling right away. At least i did.
So the weeks went on, we got closer and closer, opened up to each other a lot more. Shes been through alot of shit in her life, I seriously mean a lot. Im talking physical, mental, sexual abuse. When she was four her parents sat her down and told her that she was an accident, and that she was the reason they were breaking up. I mean that alone man. what a thing to say to a four year old. So after they split up her mum hit the bottle hard and started meeting loads of men through the internet, and one she fell in love with, and charlotte said she loved him, and was like a dad to her, as her real dad was never there and never paid her any affection (hes in prison now by the way for dealing coke, and she actually went to visit him for the first time in over a year couple weeks ago and she said it was all because of me, that makes me feel good, because she really loves him, and hes not a bad person, has just done stupid things, its all about building bridges). So this new guy showed her so much love that she had never felt from her real dad, but then he abused her trust for him and started to sexually abused her for 2 years, before she eventually told and he went to prison. Before she started college this year she said she was in a really bad place, her boyfriend of 2 years had just broken up with her after cheating on her, and she used to think about what happened to her every day. I told her that i promise I will sort it all out, and give her piece of mind, and that one day we will get to the stage where we can laugh about what happened to her, and the last stage is forgiveness, not for that prick, but for her, and her piece of mind. She laughed at me when i said that, but a week after that we laughed about it, and now it is as much as casual conversation. Obviously its still an issue and it still affects her, but now she says that her mind feels clear and weightless where as before it felt clouded. And she says she even feels like she is at the place where she can forgive. She says shes never felt like this in her life, and she says its all because of me. I don't want to sound like im just trying to show off, i just want to stress how important we are to each other, and how much this relationship means to me. Her mum and the rest of her family are in a simmilar shakey state, and I really want to help to put it all right. And trust me this is not all just a project to me, I do love doing this kind of thing its my passion, but i am also rediculously infatuated with this girl, and there is a strong emotional tie aswell as logical motivation. She is also bulimic, a problem that I know know from talking to her is down to her parents and the fact that she doesn't feel like she has unconditional love from them. I told her she needed to sit down and talk to both her mum and her dad and say that the only thing that is going to get me through this is your support and love, thats all i need. She did and her and her mum had a massive deep chat, both cried, and told each other things they never say, as they are not a very emotionally flowing family. Now she has cut down severely, but I need to get her to stop, and I need to catch the last issue that will tip it over the edge, as it is now getting to the stage that she is only being sick blood, and her doctor says that her insides are rotting and its not out of the realms of possibility if she were to drop dead. That would kill me.
There is such a rediculous amount of stupid other stuff that she has had thrown at her in her life, i really mean it when that is the tip of the iceberg. But i wont go on and on because thats not neccesary, i jut wanted to stress the importance of how much i want to make this work. And I know i have only touched on the technical issues of why I want to make us beautiful, but we really are crazy about each other as well, and we are so rediculously simmilar.
But anyway to the issue. To explain whats going on, and correct me if im wrong, I kind of see relationships split into two parts: there is the time when you create attraction and explode emotion ie. when your not together, the feeling of missing each other, bantering and flirting, all the stupid little games you play to make the other one like you more. You know what i mean, all things that focus on emotion and attraction. Then theres the other side of it: bonding and getting along really well, like friends would. Having deep chats, just spending chilled time together, laughing together, all things that dont neccesarly make you think 'god im crazy about them, i have to be with them' but makes you think 'this is so nice, we get on so well, were made for each other' I hope im talking sense her, and that im not creating dynamics that needn't be there out of nothing.
But my problem is balancing the two, and how they fit together. Because i've recently learnt the power of making her work for my affection. Because im a very affectionate guy and could smother someone with kisses all day. But I know this creates the feeling of bland equilibrium after a while, nothing to work for, no prizes to win. So i've learnt to hold off at times and it really does do wonders, i know it triggers her emotions and her need to be around me and work for me. But the problem is that affects the other aspect of us, us getting along as 'friends' kind of thind. because it usually makes her annoyed at me, and although emotions are running high, and i can always get her smiling and with me, its all because of attraction and little connection at those times. And the other side of the same coin is when were getting on a treat, and i want to be with her and together, and shower her with kisses, but shes lost the feeling of needing to work,a nd the gratification of my affection. I want both, similtaneously, and I know its possible and I know you know how, you psychedelic guru. You know what i mean, the time when your in bed, chatting sweetly and playfully, but theres also the feeling of her wanting more, if that makes any sense. its always one or the other for me. I think it might be the way I do it, I make her work by hinting that I don't want to be with her at that time, and she goes crazy for it. amature i know, but i haven't learnt any other way of making her chase me in those little instances yet. I think im starting to crack the real way. I think its something to do with my purpose, and putting that before her. The idea of even though I want to be with her (getting rid of her being annoyed at me because im not being a dick) I still can't because i have bigger things to do (which still makes her have the feeling of wanting to be with me, with out the slight hate at that time haha)
So shed some light you genius. How do I make the two merge, so that all aspects come together, she wants to be with me, but she doesn't get angry at me when we are together for not being with her, if that makes sense.
I really want this relationship to not just work, but to be beautiful, for her, and for what i can do do help her and her family, for me because im crazy about her, and for each other, because we just fit.
She really deserves it, shes such an amazing person, and turned out so well for all the shit thats happened to her. plus she is fucking beautiful man, and i dont mean 'in the eye of the beholder', i mean beautiful.
Sorry again man for the crazy long post. Hope you didn't drift off half way through, and thanks for any adivice you can give to help me get what i truly want.
Luke
Of course I did not nod off. It was a very intricate post, and I am going to try and help you out. I can not offer you a solution like you would have hoped man; because it is such a complex situation, only suggestions
I do want to give you massive props Luke. It seems you have invested yourself in this girl, and are providing a much needed supportive role. Even better is you are not doing it because you feel obligated but because you want to. That is what a true relationship is all about!
Onto the substance of the post. If I am deciphering this correctly, you want to give her what she needs, but not give too much. YOu want to provide comfort and security, but not have the relationship become to OVER comfortable. You want to keep attraction there, but you don't want the relationship to become purely attraction based.
Okay, there is a long detailed explanation on how all of these could be worked on and built up; however, I think I can paraphrase it in an understandable manner:
Give her what she needs, and take what you need.
When you feel you are being over needy, over giving, over comfortable, or overly distant, stop it. You are doing it correctly! There is no one way of handling all of those at once. You have to listen to your gut instinct. The ONLY problem I have taken from what you wrote was that when you do stop it, you over compensate on the opposite end of the scale.
Instead of doing something to try and replace the actions you FEEL you did incorrectly, just stop doing those actions.
Imagine a scale. Now, put a pound on one end and look at it. One end is completely unbalanced. Now put a pound on the other side, and remove the first one you put on. Again! One end is completely unbalanced.
This is what you are doing. It is not a terrible thing, but in order to maintain relationship health and balance, a little more consistency is needed.
You have a couple options: be normal and stop trying to over compensate. This girl has been having a very very rough life. You being part of it is a solid thing. You seem to be an amazing part of it. If you just stop consciously trying to balance it, you might just find out that she cares for you, just the way things are normally! (scale image: keeping both sides of the scale empty, and not adding anything to each side will still keep it balanced!)
Or, when you start to feel that something is out of wack and you are giving to much, or taking too much....add to the other end of the scale WITHOUT removing the other actions. When you feel too supportive, instead of withdrawing emotionally to fix that, just add in playful banter. When you feel like you are too withdrawn, instead of jumping in head first all mushy, keep the distance but add in nice gestures and additional compliments. (scale image: adding the same amount of weight to both sides of the scale will still keep it balanced!)
neither of which are a wrong action either man. Self improvement is a great thing, and relationship stability does take work. If you instinctually feel that you must add balance, then again, that isn't a bad thing, it is just part of the relationship.
Another great way to ensure there is not too much comfort or stability is to keep the excitement going. After either not adding anything to either side, or adding equal amounts to either side, just keep the fun factor going. Everyone needs a friend; a lover should FIRST be a friend, and a great partner. Just keep that in mind and treat her like both-- AT THE SAME TIME!
How to be a friend and a great lover at the same time? Easy. Be her friend, and be her lover. Don't remove. Add.
Again man, you sound like a really awesome part of her life, and I wish you the best of luck!
CHAT
