I'm a firm believer in the concept that practice makes you better at skills, and that pickup and relationships are skillsets that overlap in many areas. Over the years, I've gotten to a point where I can confidently say that I can communicate with women pretty damn well. I also know how to be a persuasive guiding force that women like to be guided by.

Here's my prescription to you.

Good communication: Listening
There's one thing you said that really stands out to me as a sign that you haven't yet become a proficient communicator: you admitted to not being such a good listener. When I was developing my Conversational Framework (see my Guide to Outer Game posted as a sticky in the PUA Lounge), I discovered that the best way to converse with a woman you're interested in is to find out as much as you can about her. Naturally, practicing this conversational framework enhanced my listening skills, which I wholeheartedly believe to be one of the - if not THE - most important elements in communication as a whole. If you're talking more than you're listening, you're not communicating like a man and a woman should be communicating; you're just lecturing! Develop your listening skills and you'll begin to see many more doors of opportunity that you haven't been able to see before that you and your partner can walk through together.

Leadership: Persuasive guidance
I think my girlfriend and I had a similar issue to the one you're describing. As a pickup artist, of course I was more social and had an army of acquaintances and very few close friends. My girlfriend is more of the type to keep a small number of very close friends while automatically ignoring facebook friend requests from people she didn't know well enough. She also had a hard time opening up to me since she takes a while to open up to any new person in her life in general. If we had disagreements about anything, I'd oftentimes find myself trying to open up an honest discussion while she oftentimes said things like "I don't want to talk about this." This sort of "stonewalling," as relationship researchers put it, wasn't going to fly in my book. I knew that I had to open her up, but not abruptly by force. The lessons I learned in pickup taught me better - that everything is an escalation. I patiently and slowly opened myself up to her more and more while putting my listening skills to good use and eventually she opened herself up to me. I made both my expectations and my caring patience very clear. "I don't want to talk about this" eventually turned into "I don't want to talk about this right now," which turned into "Let's talk about it later," which turned into "I think (insert more direct communication here)." As a pickup artist I already had the skills to lead women, and I used those skills to lead my girlfriend into a better position of cooperation to make communication between us an efficient tool of bonding and, essentially, team-building. If you think that this is an area you need to brush up on, maybe you should consider going back to practicing pickup material related to influence and leadership.

Update:

It's been nearly 6 months since I started dating this girl. I have learned a lot so far seeing as this has been the most serious exclusive relationship I've ever been in. I think it has a lot to do with the fact with me learning beforehand that 1. you only grow if you do something you're uncomfortable doing/afraid to do and 2. it's foolish to close your heart and to stop yourself from fully loving someone.

I learned the first point about getting out of your comfort zone from the PUA community. It's been drilled in my head by every guru and that philosophy propelled me forward to make progress in several if not all areas of my life. Most of all it has helped me develop my character and soul to be worthy of respect. I decided to jump into this exclusive relationship so deeply because, as a PUA, I've had a fear of committing myself to just one woman, to love her with all my heart and to put all my investments into one stock. When I was an AFC, this sort of all-or-nothing mentality hurt me many times over and over again, but I knew things would be different in some way(s) if I took that same path that I learned to fear, knowing what I know now.

Well, it turns out I was right (so far). I definitely grew and learned a lot already, and I know more is to come. It's definitely useful to learn how to "diversify your portfolio" and use pickup skills to fill your life with many women, but to learn the lessons of the next phase - to give a relationship with someone you love everything you've got - is equally useful for personal development and fulfillment.

This relationship has given me the opportunity to dig up and face some inner demons of mine that I've conveniently tucked away while being a PUA. There's only so many issues you can address and fix if you're playing around with multiple partners while avoiding serious relationships. The pursuit of INNER GAME, or as others might call enlightenment, self-actualization, fulfillment, whatever, can only be realized if you experience the balance of both the player lifestyle and then the serious exclusive lover role.

The most recent lesson I've realized is this...

Having a woman in your life might feel tough sometimes, but it just feels tough because she's making sure you stay true to who you are, that you don't lose your drive to chase what you really want. You're not yourself if you're being lazy, and you deserve better than not moving forward in life.

You don't get that if you have many women in your life who are far less emotionally intimate with you.

More to come later...

Awesome wisdom-filled thread Chief! Solid info as always.

So true, I can really relate man. I too am fast approaching that 3.5 year mark with my GF and things seem to be fading drastically....we've stopped having regular sex, communication is falling apart...etc, and I feel like she's not interested in me at all these days, like she once was. It really does suck.

Drawing from the wise words of Chief, I'm going to try and set aside some time for just myself and my girl...complete privacy and we just need to talk through things. I think it's just a matter of letting her know how I feel, the things that are running through my head....getting her to open up about how she's feeling. She is way to closed off when it comes to mature conversation, which we really need to fix.

Anyway, I won't drag this on...I appreciate the wealth of information this place has.


Cheers guys.

_________________
Who are YOU?!

With my wedding arriving in under a week I thought I'd share my 2cents as well! I'm going to confirm the OPs theory!

Firstly I dated and screened as best as I could in order for me to find a "good girl" and not a "freak".

When I started dating the suitable girl I decided to do things differently! Instead of using games I decided on being completely open! I was an open book and I wasn't afraid to openly compliment, use PDA and I told her how she made me feel! I opened up completely to her!

I told her that good comunication is the key to being successful and with a bit of work I got her to be as open as me! Initially she was very open but once strong feelings got involved I noticed she began to close in order to protect herself. I dealt with this openly and firmly.

What pua helped me with was maintaing a non jealous attitude. It also helped me with being a leader in the relationship! I set the rules a couple of times at the start and I let her know my boundaries! All through openly communicating how things make me "feel". I never told her what to do and the final decision was always hers. This is important!

This has worked very well and even led to her proposing to me! If you want a deep successful relationship then you have to be not afraid to be open with your emotions and feelings while maintaining that leader of men mentality!

If your gf does not want to be equally open then she is not relationship material.



Drop the games

Remain a leader

Screen girls better



These are my key points

I used to get so hung up on trying to out game freaks! Everything became easier once I just focused on a genuine nice girl! If they showed freak tendencies then I dropped them fast!

Life is much easier without games! Let a girl know the true you instead...

If she doesn't accept you then get rid

That's a motivating post, yet describes exactly what I tried 4 years ago. My gf and me fell deeply in love with each other and, me having been hurt by too few communication about feelings in my last relationship I decided to make everything "open". All discussions had to be completely open, nothing should be hidden from each other to ensure a healthy and loving relationship.

It sounded like it was a good idea and over the years we really had open discussions about feelings, desires, the world. Yet, 4 years later, we are broken up, hating each other like worst enemies, sometimes even physically fighting when we see each other for too long.

The only problem is, being honest, open and sincere, you develop a much greater feeling of attachment to the person. And now that it had come to an end, the pain was so much bigger than the pain I knew from my past.

Openness makes you vulnerable. Now I am totally confused how to handle future relationships.

I hope it turns out well for you and hope you keep us updated on this.