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Ok, I’m going to lay this one out there knowing what I did wrong and knowing at the time I was doing it wrong and fooled myself in the process; and all this from the girl that clued me in to ‘the Game’ and Mystery, and I fully expect to be made an example of here so others will learn.
Ok, my GF at the time took me over this girls place for New Years party. Instant sexual tension and IOI’s even with her BF sitting on the couch. I remained in her social circle and helped her out a few times and vice versa. On the day my GF called it quits with me she was over at my house giving me a hug and giving me her condolences. She implied she was going through the same thing with her BF.
I kept up the contact and took her out to a jazz club and some air hookey after club closed. I got a kiss on the cheek. A while down the BF dumped her on the day she was supposed to move in with him. Shortly after the bank and her 6 figure job closed down and she was unemployed. I gave some emotional support and even got her an impromptu birthday present to cheer her up. Found out she had been eating for a while so I brought over one of my deluxe smoothies and I could see boy friend material in her eyes. That was cool it was where I wanted to go. I took her to a hot spring and got the first chance to see her naked. She moved to Seattle for a new job, I moved her up. She was down every weekend and often slept with me, no sex because she was in relationship recovery (I actually believe that rather than making me wait because of being BF material). That lasted three months as that job dried up first of the quarter and she was back down here with my help again. She had a house that her mother was staying but it was run down and their relationship was really ruff.
About this time, the mortgage crisis bit me in the ass and I lost my house. I moved in with relatives to do a little recovery and she was invited to stay as well. She moved in as much as she could but still stayed at her house or with friends from time to time. The last straw though was, her mother died of a stroke literally at my feet.
She escalated the relationship and pulled back all the time. We are extremely compatible in almost every aspect of our lives so we really got along good despite her depression attitude. I even caught her claiming me as her boyfriend a few times.
I’m defiantly treating her as a GF as if we were in full relationship. I’m not seeing anyone else, and told her so and she reciprocated at the time. I was buying her presents for holidays, very creative stuff but that was pretty one sided. She was the first to declare that she loved me while she was still in Seattle but I was defiantly giving her a lot more of the love talk than the other way. I kept getting close but she kept the wall of not being over a relationship and had a bad attitude about sex and love in general.
So then I take her out to a show and nice dinner just a bit a week and a half ago. She was really ramping up the sexual tension that night and pointing out girls she thought were hot. This was new territory. She told me she knew she was over the BF finally but she wasn’t ready for a guy in her life. She wanted to get with a girl first, then maybe she and her GF would ease into me. She thought I would be all for it, being from the local kink community as I was and self avoid polyamorous mentality. All I heard was that she wanted someone else to touch her the way I wanted to and I was pissed. I didn’t go totally nuts but I defiantly didn’t make a smooth showing.
Then I over heard her having phone sex with a guy. I tried to be smooth, but unfortunately she was not going to give me an inch to bring it up and my guts were in tight enough knots to cause me to toss my cookies. I confronted her instead. It ended with her going out the door telling me I was insensitive and a spy.
That was a Wednesday, the next day I got a date for Friday. She came back that night and stayed in the guest room then asked me to have lunch Friday. The stress had caused her to get lower back spasm so I helped rub them a little and we talked just enough to get comfortable again. We were getting to it late, so I went ahead and broke my date and we finally got to the restaurant. She offered to pay (first time ever and my first clue there was a serious shift in her perception of our relationship). We talked, bargained, bartered but didn’t come to anything more than there has to be a way to work this out. She said she does see us together long term but not for a year to two years, that she fully expected me to be with other women, that she liked was really attracted to me because I didn’t track her down all the time and let her come and go (until now), and that when she was truly ready for more than just flirting and phone sex with a guy I was the top of list.
I didn’t say what she said while we ate verbatum because as if by fate I got my news letter from Savoy titled ‘Do You Want Your Ex-Girlfriend Back’. I read through it ‘Killing Beatrice’ and Female Psychology and wouldn’t you know it… the last one was verbatim exactly what she had told me at lunch. I realized she wasn’t lying to me… she was the most honest woman I’ve ever had in my life and I was the dick trying to control her.
So backed off and went to work on my inner game, scored a number close with promise for a f-close that Saturday and have trying to get my mind set back to where I was before I went all one itis. I thought at first I needed to break it off with her all together, nice like and be cool about her living part time with me but then thought why? If she the damage isn’t completely done and I keep my PUA frame which attracted her to begin with, if I don’t end up with what I really want she is a freaken HB8-9 that I can take out and pivot.
The down side is that I know I need to have some distance from her for a few months in order to repair this relationship. I need to fix my inner game and slowly demonstrate that I’m not obsessing over her but picking up girls like I used to, and make that significant change that gets her attention again.
So, what I’m wondering is… is there a way to do damage control here with her still in the house coming and going. I know I should have never asked her to stay to begin with, but that ship has sailed. What next?
Oh the link to female psychology is
http://therealsavoy.blogspot.com/2008/0 ... ology.html for the inquiring mind.
I was a little confused at first, but now I think this has all happened over the span of a couple months, maybe even more?
It sounds like a very complex situation. I wanted to say that the girl was just using you for a free place, for meals, for presents....she knew all she had to do was flirt a little bit, make promises of a future, and give you a little company, then BAM, she got her way. But I think there actually might be more too this.
You said that you need to work on your inner game. There might have been stuff that you said or did, but left out of this post, that triggered you to make that decision. If it was in fact something you felt you did, then by all means, iron out those issues. But have you ever considered she might have manipulated you (not harmfully) to believe that you are the guilty party for trying to escalate? From my perspective, it is her who was in the wrong for stringing you along, but you for accepting that. She is the one with very deeply embedded issues that need to be fixed.
Things you should have done differently:
(as you already pointed out) giving her a place to stay. If she is/was a great friend, then helping her out is really awesome of you. But you shouldn't have done that if you were doing it for reasons beside friendship.
Friends buy friends things. But they reciprocate. She never did, so why did you continue? Also, don't give presents to people in hopes of a certain outcome. Do it because you want to, or because you think they deserve it. You tried to escalate with them. You put her in a mental state of: if I am down, I get presents. If I am around, I get presents.
Communicated. You obviously wanted something. After a while, why did you not just be open about it and find out, smartly, if she wanted to become something. That would have saved a lot of your time. You were too damn nice and giving.
Things you can do in the future:
When building a long term relationship with someone...if you want it to escalate sexually, then it is your responsibility to escalate it. If you are put on the "burner," then you should automatically assume that they are not interested DESPITE what they say. Otherwise, you'll just end up waiting around and some other dude will come along and sex her on the phone.
Put her out of your mind as a possibility. She wants to fool around with girls, and some guys. Your mind should have recognized this as soon as she said "...it will be years before do something."
Friend zone her, as you have obviously been friend zoned. Like I stated above, helping her out is great, if you are doing it as a friend; not because you are trying to initiate something. If you were doing it because you wanted more, well guess what? There is no more. Now you have to make up your mind and decide if you want to continue helping her out as a friend. If you don't, there is nothing wrong with that. She is not your responsibility to take care of.
If a girl likes you and she is in your bed, you will fool around....period. If there is a time that a girl is in your bed and she isn't up for that, instantly realize that you are her friend or she has ulterior motives.
do like you are doing. move on to other women; get some number closes, get some dates, and get some sex. Maybe in that process she will end up becoming sexually interested. Don't make it deep if and when that happens. Have your great lifestyle, and bring her into it. Stop making her your lifestyle.
oh, and lastly, 99% (I made that number up) of all relationships include sex (of some sort). If there isn't any, you are being played, or she has issues. If it's the latter, you will know.
CHAT
