DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR!

The one thing women want more than anything else in a relationship is your attention. Therefore, the best way to lead a relationship is to give and withhold your attention (much the way some women do with sex). Praise your girlfriend and give her lots of attention when she does things that make you happy: cuddle with her after sex, kiss her when she says something nice about you and touch her whenever she is being sweet. You get the idea. Psychologically, this anchors positive emotions to her good behavior.

On the flip side, ignore her when she is being a brat. Withdraw yourself completely from pointless fights and drama. The worst thing you can do is to get drawn into a fight with a girl over something unimportant. In a girls mind, it translates to, “If I want his attention, all I have to do is start a fight over something stupid.” It encourages her to create needless drama. If a girl starts a fight with you, then do anything to remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. This is the best way to punish and correct bad behavior in relationships.

THE SOFT NEXT

The punishment should fit the crime. If a girl does something blatantly disrespectful or totally unacceptable, then you should initiate a “soft next”. A soft next is where you completely cut contact with a girl for a couple days immediately after she displays any really bad behavior (may be longer, depending on how often you see her). You don’t reply to e-mails, texts, or answer her phone calls.. no matter what. Just be too busy for a couple days. Then, when you initiate contact again, you act as if nothing happened. You do not need to verbally acknowledge that you are purposely ignoring her to punish her. If she asks, then just tell her you were busy (no need to go into details). If she gets dramatic again, then leave and repeat the process. This is incredibly effective and probably your single greatest tool for dealing with drama in a relationship.

The soft next works because it anchors negative consequences / emotions to bad behavior. On some level, she’ll realize that if she acts out again, then she will be deprived of your attention. It also shows her, through trial and error, what kinds of behavior are considered unacceptable to you.

Real life examples of behavior I’ve encountered that resulted in a soft next:

- Any kind of blatant disrespect (ex: flaking on me without calling).
- Getting emotional and starting fights over really stupid things (Ex: gets pissed because I didn’t want to go shopping with her).
- Saying “We need to have a TALK”.. I hate having “Talks” and avoid them like the plague
- Any kind of ultimatum (i.e. “promise me monogamy.. or else!”)
- Any kind of physical assault

If you want to lead a relationship effectively, then these skills are essential. This is how a confident man deals with relationship problems. Beta-males and/or AFC’s will not have the balls to go through with this course of action because they will be too afraid to lose the relationship. Don’t be that guy.

-Wolf

This is a little bit on the tangent, but I'm a firm believer that communication is crucial when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship. This means talking it out when there is clearly an issue that needs to be resolved. I agree with you that when a gf is acting bad, you punish her or give her the silent SPAM for a moment. But a few days of no communication can be harmful especially after a fight. Those feelings both parties felt during the fight will stew inside of the both of you, and it'll cause feelings of resentment towards the other.

I broke up with my last ex because she tried to pull the "soft next" on me because I brought up issues we were having in our relationship. I saw it as a sign that she will always be the type of girl who runs and hides from problems and doesn't work with her mates to find a solution to better the relationship. So after the 3rd day of ignoring me, I simply left a voicemail saying, "Since you've accustomed yourself to not talking to me, you can get used to it forever. Goodbye."

Of course right after I left the voicemail, she started to call me and text me to try to talk, but I had already made my decision and what was done was done. Typical fucking female behavior man.

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Pretty little girls, so used to getting your way. Along comes a man who challenges you, and suddenly you don't know what to say.

Fair point! Good communication is something I heartily encourage. However, having a thoughtful, reasonable discussion about your relationship (or whatever) and having a fight are two very different things. Discussions are peaceful and non-dramatic.
You are thinking like a dude here. Girls think with their emotions when they fight. It is never good to interact with a girl when their negative emotions are all worked up and directed at you. Most girls do not think rationally in this context and arguing with them (logically) does not do you any good. It is way better to re-approach the subject after she has calmed down and had time to think rationally about whatever it is you are discussing.

Again, discussion versus fight. Always end the interaction when the discussion turns into a fight. This is sends a very beneficial message: "If you have an issue you want to discuss with me, then we'll discuss the issue like adults or not at all."

Furthermore, by leaving the area, and avoiding the fight altogether, you should cut down considerably on the amount of stewing and resentment. Sure, she will initially be pissed that you are not responding to her, but she'll get over it.

-Wolf

A nice side effect of withholding attention when she's not behaving ideally is that it prevents you from saying anything stupid as a result of jealousy, anger, spite etc. Withholding attention gives you a chance to assess the situation, cool down and react in a measured, non-emotional manner.

i have both given and recieved the silent next, but the problem is that bringing it up again once we are calm causes friction in the relationship, because it's not necessarily something that has been let go. how do you approach the problem once both people are calm? because i know that different women respond to different approaches to conversations like this.

You don't bring it up, you just ignore her for a while when she steps out of line. It's a concept that appears similar to something I've seen on TV regarding the disciplining of unruly children. Basically, not rewarding bad behaviour with attention.

Wolf, really enjoying these posts, I hope you put it into one big post when you finish, it will be an awesome guide!

Cheers!

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rAFC and yes, I'm a chick.

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn't last long.

true.

it simultaneously sends another message...

i am a man and i will not be disrespected.

^important^

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what dr. house brings to medicine, i bring to everyday life (an extreme dose of cynicism), don't listen to the curmudgeon!

Thanks this was really helpful!
However i just read this article http://www.fastseduction.com/cgi-bin/se ... 1455555811 and i live with my girlfriend so how to i soft next her when she lives with me and i can't send her home as she is from an abusive family who I'm not comfortable with her staying there!

It's not easy, but it's been done. Here's an example I dug up from an old thread:
Basically, you remove yourself from the situation. Go stay at a friends place for a few days.

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

I love this thread. It's genius.

But after you cut contact, are you the one to re-initiate? or wait for her?

Ah... I've read this thread (again) just in time.

Thank you so much Wolfwood.

Remember me from your other topic? I'm with the girl with all those red flags in your previous red flag topic.

I'm now trying to punish her for her bad behaviour by going no contact mode. It's what I'm doing right now. She was starting drama for seriously the stupidest of reasons, to which I said a few hours later via text:

"I'm gonna turn my phone off right now and will turn it on next friday. I'm gonna study really hard till then because I have that big assignmnet on Friday. Then, when it's weekend, we can do something fun "

I actually have to study really hard for Friday, so it's no lie.

I did not turn my phone off, yet. I left it on so I could see her reply. It took a few hours for her to text me back. My stomach crinched during those long hours, with me wanting to call her, making sure she wasn't mad or anything (I know..), but I did not! And I'm so happy I didn't.

So after a few hours, she texted me back in a cold manner, saying she was not sure about next weekend, not ending with a "kiss" (which is unusual)

But 30 minutes later, she said it in the terms of: "Jeez! I'm so sorry! I don't know what's wrong with me! Of course we can do something fun next weekend! Now you go and study! Good for you to really go for it again! I love you and I miss you!"

Now in the past I would contact her after this, letting her know that I'm not mad.

But that's where I think I always went wrong. Because it tells her she can get away with her bullshit, to which I'm sick about. It's influencing our relationship and my life too negatively.

So I'm gonna stay no contact mode till Friday and then do something fun with her (if she behaves)

I just don't want bullshit anymore. So so so sick of it.

--------------

Now a question.

I have 1 year with this girl. In this 1 year I perhaps let her get away with too much BS which makes it perhaps hard to re-educate her in our relationship in this way.

What do you think, is it still possible to "retrain" her, by not accepting bullshit anymore? Even after 1 year? Or will she stay this way since I did not set clear ground rules at the start of this relationship (also my first relationship ever).

How would you go on about this?

I have now turned off my phone, so she cannot distract me. It's a liberating feeling.

Thanks

Is it ok to talk about it after not giving her attention? Like.. saying how you don't like when she does that, or how unattractive it is, etc.

Hey! I'm really glad that my advice has helped. Unfortunately, I don't know the answer to your question as I haven't really been in that exact situation. I can, however, speculate based on my own experiences dating freaks.

I would assume that it can be done, but that it will probably get worse before it gets better. Girls tend to shit-test really hard when guys start displaying alpha characteristics that weren't present previously in the relationship. My guess is that your girlfriend will do everything in her power, early on, to test whether or not you are serious enough to stand your ground against an onslaught of emotional manipulation. Once you withdraw your attention, expect her to try various ploys to get it back (kind of like the angry text message followed by the apologetic text message). She could get pissed, cry, tell you she hates you, tell you she needs you, try to make you jealous, text you that she "REALLY NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT", etc. If you can get passed this stuff while staying indifferent to her antics, then her behavior should improve.

The only real worry is if she turns up the drama too much in order to get a reaction (i.e. she cheats on you to make you jealous or breaks up with you in a fit of anger to force you to respond). Even then, the situation can be salvageable.

Anyway, I hope that's helpful. Don't forget to reward her good behavior with lots of orgasms, lots of touching and strong emotional states. Please keep us informed on how the situation progresses.

-Wolf

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Screening: drama-free-relationships-1-screening-vt124827.html
Bad Behavior: drama-free-relationships-3-the-soft-next-vt125554.html

Wolfwood I think I mainly just punish my girlfriend, last night when she was being a bitch i said "you know nothing about nothing" and she flipped out and tried to leave my house but it was too late to let her go and she might do something stupid. she then cried shit loads saying you don't love me anymore and I don't want you leave me. it really did tug my heart strings quite abit. Situations like this are regular occurances however, you spoke beofr about rewarding her good behaviour with lots of touching and strong emotional states what did you mean by this becuase i think i need to reward her more in case i lose her for being that much of a dick!?