Why cant I feel independent in myself? Wherever I go, wherever I am, I feel discomfort in me.

It immediately becomes easier if anyone leads, but this is not how it works in everyday life. I cant be looking for someone to follow all my life.

I've tried to act in a certain way, simulate security, dominance, and that I am safe.

But several years out of acting, I'm still there. I hate anxiety, it prevents me. I cannot develop a personality. There is some sort of constant wake in me, one that makes me unable to handle criticism. Always feeling like im guilty of something.

I was very shy as a kid. I know that such children are overly sensitive, the so-called limbic system is overactive, or the amygdala is overactive.

I know that happy- pills relieves activity in that part
of the brain with raising the mood. I actually tested several varieties but nothing worked.

I have tried to force me by going out to bars&clubs and just talk to people, mainly women. But the girls dont want insecure guys, they see through the act immediately.

If i act so then i have to think about acting all the time, I am not so quick witted and as i said my spirit falls easily to criticism.

I lose the plot and it ends by me being ignored.I've got a reputation in my community, he who cannot get a girl, "i live in a small community". I do not live in the States.

When I last went home after the pub a brat yelled at me. If you think you are so cool check this, I've got a girl, what do you have at your side?, (remarking that he´s better than me.

I responded by saying, yet the night is young. I went out
again and made a last try. Only because that guy had mocked me. I became angry, mostly at myself. A 18year little kid doing something natural, and im always been alone, never getting any contact. Sitting quietly for myself being a wallflower. I am 27years old.

The only thing that has ever helped is alcohol in combination with drugs. Then it will produce a character, or a personality. One that dares to talk and express himself. Like a machinegun.

Buried, I feel buried alive.

Not even when I'm home, with the blinds lowered i still can´t relax. I have so much inhibitions in me. It's like a big black hole full of vacuum in the middle of my heart sucking the spark of life out of me. I feel drained.


I feel like my life was wasted.

I had to show my gender for my doctors and I was ashamed. He said -but come on now, it was certainly many people who saw your cock in your teens, (this he said with a grin on his face).

My answer was, -yes, but i didn´t show it to other men.

This was obviously a lie. If i didn´t have my pessimistic
friends by my side who opressed me so anxiety built. Their verbal terror inhibited me from life, made me stay at home. Always alone. No one saw me. And women I happened to know, who i met downtown, acted like they did not know me,-who are you? They said. Or, they just ignored me completely.

Today I am tired of it, I see all my classmates they all became old and when I see myself in the mirror I realize that I too am old. And i never even started. Starting to get bald however. By the way I considered to be attractive, fairly good looking and i dress well. These things are important to me. But everything else, like something is wrong with me.

As a person, I am a whiny little pessimistic coward. I was tougher in my teens. But do to drug abuse which completely gave me a mental breakdown. Or increased my anxiety. Now for 6 years i´ve been fighting the mental state that the drugs gave me. I hate drugs. But drugs was the only way to get out of my head.

I always try to go out. I go out about once a month maybe less do to low income. I always try to pep myself. But every time I go out something catastrophically happends, a girl who treats me like crap, people who point towards me and laugh at me, (the rumor).

I'll stay depressed for months. As I go out again. Now I dare not even make contact. feeling to have a force that goes against one all the time is nudering. Why are people so mean? What's wrong with people?

Most guys know what THE GAME is or who Mystery is for that matter. But it is hard to know all that information and still not be able to meet a woman.

I wonder now with all my heart, is there a chance for me What can I do???

i've been through a shitload of bad experiences and fought my way out of it thus finding myself - my true core in the process.
I can put some posts in here but you need constant stream of spirituality and which you can fall back on whenever needed.

here are some questions :

why did you start with this ?
what are your goals ?
what do you want to achieve on short term and long term ?
what do you want to achieve with gaming woman ?
what do you want to achieve in life in general, what do you think is your life purpose ?
What do you love ?
what do you hate ?
how do you see yourself after 3 years ?
people who treat you like crap aren't responsible for making you feel bad. You make yourself feel bad , if someone says fuck me to me i perceive it as a compliment.
im going to recommend you some material .... go and watch or listen (audiobook ) RSD blueprint decoded.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

why did you start with this ?

Because once i lost myself. One day i realised that all my life was wasted in to solitude, mostly do to anxiety. Somehow i believe that this is the only personal developement or selfhelp that can guide me in the right direction. Making me feel at home again. Just once before i get too old.

what are your goals ?

Finding myself. Build a character or a persona. Freeing myself from limitations and mental blockage. Becoming complete.

what do you want to achieve on short term and long term ?

I don´t know anymore, i just want to be respected you know. I don´t deserve being here at this place, treated like this. Im always trying to be nice. It´s who i am naturally. I just wish that i can be free like everyone else is. That´s my dream
right now. Everyone i knew just live their lives without limitations, they travel. meet people. And get the best things in life. Some people i aware of has always been naturals, and they always get everything they strive for.

My short term goal is.
Finding spirit. Something that puts me back on my feet, this without getting pushed down. I want to start moving. feeling the power of my heart, having passion.

long term..
Freedom, i want to be free. Free to laugh, free to be. Free to have strenght that i can use. I want to feel true friendship, someone that is a genuine friend. (All my friends in the past were just plain egoists and bailed when i needed them the most. Often after when i sacrificed myself. i don´t know if friendship is possible, im really starting to feel that we are all alone in this world).

what do you want to achieve with gaming woman ?

The answer really isn´t women in general or gaming them. I just once want to feel how it is when someone looks you in the eyes and says hey, were both here and let´s enjoy the moment. Or go to place where you feel acceptance, warmth and friendship. i want to feel a connection with a woman that something is working naturally. If this meens i need to game them, sure...But my gut feeling wants liberation.

what do you want to achieve in life in general, what do you think is your life purpose ?

My dream was always traveling. Not being bound to surtain things in life. Helping other people.

What do you love ?

I love watching the spirit of beutiful women. I love the kindness of my mother. I love it when a stranger just reaches his hand with kindness and says -hi who are you friend. I love art. I love music. I love people with character, persona and a sense of spreading joy no matter how dark the situation is. I love colors. I love people with spark in their eyes. I love dancing. I love mixed martial arts, (the respect and integrity some fighters have). I love courage. I love every person in this world who is trying to make everything make sense, and by doing things better with true so called empathy. And for some reason nowadays, when i feel mostly down. I just say to myself -i love you and we will get thru this as we always do. That there is somebody in me who started caring about me when i feel down.

what do you hate ?

I hate myself for not being able to defend myself. I hate the fact that i can´t just mind my own business, especially when i see somebody acting wrong. I always feel somekind of obligation towards people, even those who use me. I hate myself for always taking other peoples mind of opinion of me. I hate myself for being a covard. I hate my fear and anxiety. I hate myself for not understanding that some people are just mean and thats it. I hate myself fo being gullable. I try to hate my
father because he doesn´t deserve my love. I don´t get it why people always mock others. I dont get it why some need to be arrogant. I hate it when it´s on my expence and i just never react in time. I hate it when i overanalyze everything, repeat things in my head. Almost like a daydream or rather a daymare, a freaking loop that just keeps on going. This steals most of my days. Sometimes i even hate women for not giving me a chance. The worst is that i know these things are all my own doing, but i just don´t know how to end it without putting a noose around my neck.

how do you see yourself after 3 years ?

I just want to travel, maybe go to school again. Having the energy for collage. Feel at home. Feel freedom. And maybe have some fun for once. Being loved for my contributions, having something to give without the feeling of loss. Maybe had some women or experienced something called love. I never got this.
Im working on it as we speak!!

bro don't give up*** sometimes the places we are in aren't nurturing - u have to find away out of there.

yes however realize you even can do it without self-help, nothing will confirm your expectations, just release all expectations and outcomes. the less you get dissapointed the more time you can spend in things that do matter.
do you even realize you are already complete ? your body is functional and you can do what other people can do as well. you are already complete but these limiting beliefs are all created in your head. instead of wanting respect from other people you should find your own power , first respect yourself - that is a constant - respect from other people is a variable and it variates from day to week. people respect you this hour and the next hour they make fun of you SO don't be relient on other people and don't be dependent on external validation.
if you could see what i see, what i see is that almost all people on the street are having limitations - for the untrained eye it's not present, but i see about 90 % of the people i encounter living in fear to some degree. Sometimes i approach girls and they shut down - they ignore me, is that rejection or are they just intimidated by my presence? Ever been approached by a girl and you didn't know what to say ?
NOTHING is WHAT it SEEMS , what is seems is a label in your mind.... that's why im telling you to unlabel your life. you never know how an approach will go , your mind comes up with millions of reasons to not to approach.

Millions of reasons ? yes ..... it seems your mind is your worst enemy , a tool which gotten out of hand losing control , therefore you should not identify with any thoughts - do not identify yourself with manifestions from the mind. if you want something fear created by certain thoughts is not really helpfull , it is helpfull when you are in afganisthan securing areas with your fellow soldiers because it will keep you alert - however if you identify too much with it you will shut down.

ask yourself ... what if im not what i think i am.. what if my brain is purely a tool - i've been indentifying with my brain ? what is soul ? are you your soul or brain ? the mind is a tool to express your soul in physical realm however like all tools sometimes you cut the wrong surface , sometimes you miss the target you need to hit with your rifle. the problem with identifying with thoughts/emotions is that other people can make you feel or make you think , therefore indentifying with your own brain is a very stupid thing when you are dependent on other peoples opinions and actions. Don't give a fuck what other people will think of you , instead worry about what you think about yourself - worry about how you can make your tools work for you instead of against you.
im sorry but most people on this planet are living in fear and through the ego , therefore befriend yourself and find the real you , do self talk and try to see things in a fun/playfull cocky perspective. like i've said you got your soul and brain/ ego .... 2 in your body ... you are your own best friend - the ego is a obnoxious anoying friend but he is your best friend if know how to deal with him.
yes being in the moment.. however like i've said above if you identify with you own thoughts and emotions other people will stop you from being into the moment and drawn back into your head. if someone rejects you in a harsh way you may /possibly feel stupid... liberate yourself other people can't help you. Enjoy every moment ... when you drink a glass of water just look at the glass and water , just realize how complex it is - it isn't water - those are molecules - atoms and each atom gives enough energy to run the whole planet on energy for a day. It's not what to enjoy , it's what you should enjoy - and that is every moment. You will die anyway over 50 years ... why not make the best and do the best ? Be the best guy , Be the best PUA, be the best colleague, Be the best husband YOU DON'T HAVE REASONS TO NOT BE.....

Game will help you but it will not solve your issues , game will probably make your issues emerge - but when and how you deal with them is up to you.
man if you could see what i see you would be liberated instantly ..... if i can do it you can do it to !
You got so much talent man .... if i read your text i can see you're talented and you are very much ready to rise above fear and get the best out of yourself.
i don't have alot of time right now and i would enjoy to go in depth but i have to go .... just keep us updated and be present in the now - in the present moment - don't worry.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZRN7HHs5G8[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOkNFYetmgI[/youtube]

don't fucking drop ball when you need yourself to step up ! you are your own best team, NOT DEAD CAN'T QUIT

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

Im in schock today, i want to cry but i can´t, i feel lonely, separated and almost like ivé had a near death experience. I feel humiliated! Somehow everything seems surreal, i let it go this far.

Ive accepted these feelings, and im gonna fight. Kicking and screaming. Im gonna fight, cuz i realised and started to feel. Nothing matters. It´s time to get out of the comfort zone and just accept everything at it worst. Even though my reality is kinda bleak:/ The hardest thing is finding energy or the energy in me. Ive been feeling physically sick for a year now, but there is nothing wrong with me. I just cant find the buried spark. Maybe im looking in a wrong way. Or trying to find something instead of something else? All i know is that something is missing. Th last thing that makes us tick, the last light before darkness. Thats how i can put it. Hope someone understands.

So where do i go next. After blueprint decoded i mean?

It´s not like im in a good enviroment. How do i get the support?

What steps should i take?

Which programming do i need?

What do i need to do?

NOT DEAD; CAN`T QUIT! I posted on my wall.

Thank you for your help out there. If you have any acecards to throw at me, or if you come up with something just PM me. Im gonna try crawling or even standing again. Maybe one day i will run.

ah yes ... the good old ego death, you realize everything and noticed your whole reality was build around the ego mostly . Now you had a reality breakdown and the ego perceives it as death, so it seems the old ''bad'' you has died. Don't worry i had a reality breakdown 2 days ago in fact i had several over/during last year. those things come and go when you are really into self actualisation- but with each you grow and get better. you just realize you beliefs are shit and now you noticed and lost your identity somehow - your old identity was made of fear anxiety it seems.
life is not about finding a life goal, finding out what life is about is ''THE"' goal, don't worry avout having no purpose , actually your purpose is being aware and present in the present moment- in the now.
you do not need to find energy within yourself .... actually you have enough but it's blocked by all these unconcious limiting beliefs.

you are what you are, you only have these freaking senile unconcious beliefs that blocks you from accessing the best self.
unconcious incompetence
unconcious competence
concious incompetence
concious competence

every experience or everything you will learn in life , even the tough times will shed of some layers and closer to the real you. therefore all experiences you go through ; bungee jumping , picking up chicks , kick ass vacation , will shed of some bark and closer to the real you - therefore learning things is not learning it's remembering - it's unadding.
adding is the shit on top of you ... adding is all the layers , adding is the layer of black oil on the wings of a seagul, how do you add ? through bad social conditioning , other people who are kicking you down . your own ego that wants to stay in comfort zone no matter what.

to be the person you are already you need to shed all these layers until you find the core , your core essence with your core purpose - attached to core confident with unlimited value.

anyway now you had your first reality breakdown ... the worst thing you can do is to build a new reality around other people, the best thing you can do is BE ALONE and FACE YOUR FEARS. like you've said if you build a reality around people that are living through their ego, guess what ... they will put you down etc. limiting beliefs comes from the ego AND other people - commercials etc. what i realized was that i wasn't in a good enviroment either so i decided to spend time in solitude reading books from spiritual teachers but above all write my own texts in my mind.
going out and meeting other people is fine but you have to realize those people are not always the best kind of people and they can make you feel bad , therefore you really must not give a fuck what other people think of you. just don't give a damn what other people think of you.

DISCIPLINE .... i don't remember how long but i sat at home reading books and did some meditations now and then WITH FULL DISCIPLINE ... you can have the answer right in front of you but if you are not aware if you are not in the present moment you miss the real meaning behind a thought, text or meaning. with discipline i don't mean going after things you really don't want, YOU go after things you want and you refuse to give up. When you watch or listen to RSD blueprint decoded i want you to listen to every word he says, think about your own life and lay the relationship between the material and your own life.

your physical issues are just derived out of psychological issues, they go away when you make psychological shifts - don't worry about it. stop searching ... just chose to go a way and stick to it , what will come will come.
we are going to do this the hardway ... im not going to give you easy clues... taking the easy path is for cowards - the real warrior doesn't hide the truth from himself and knows that taking the weakest path is the worst thing to do.
When the shit is down ... when the shit hits the fan , WILL YOU STEP UP AS A MAN ?

when my ex-fiance did silly shit , when a few of exgirlfriends cheated , i could go back like the little bitch i was and take the easy path '' oh i love you why? blabla'' but my core said ; what is this shit ? what the fuck is this ? STEP UP ....

what you are going to do is step up like a man... not only because other people fucked around with you BUT you fucked around with yourself.... you've been nice to other people but you weren't very nice to yourself. YOU just do NOT give up on yourself .... if you lose your spear you punch and kick , if you are pinned on the ground you fight brazilian jiu jitsu , if you got 2 broken arms you bite . THE GLORY is not in the result but in HOW YOU DO IT, if i run a marathon and it's too easy im not satisfied, I WANT THIS SHIT TO BE HARD because it's the tough times that make us and it's the tough times that give us the best rewards.

and about understanding ..... a veteran warrior understand someone who is beginning to be a warrior, a guy who stepped up can recognize a guy who is starting to step up. there are people that will understand you but those come in small numbers ,most people will take away your dreams and goals - they will tell you how you cannnot do something. those conversations are not pleasant they often feel likfe attack like people are putting you down - maybe those people are just looking out for you BUT It's YOUR GOAL TO NOT GIVE A FUCK , It's your goal to know who you are and still do the things you believe in.
fuck support ... there is no support, your whole support is obliterated by the iraqy army - the whole fucking 52nd tank squadron is blown to stardust by artillery.... but you were smart enough to escape the attack. Support is for weak cowards who think they can't do it themselfs....you either take the front seat and drive the car to the designation you want- or you let someone else control it and crash. there is no good enviroment either ... the best enviroment is the hawaiian beach where go can drink cocktail with umbrella spoons in it - TOUGH enviroments make us adjust and adapt - makes us harder. You are in the fucking desert and the only scenery you have is the endless desert filled with burning tank wrecks , now it's easy to think of beautifull beaches when you are walking through the desert but you have to be realistic here - you have to be in the moment and come up with a plan .

2nd they don't give a fuck about you ... they are not risking everything to save one guy - welcome to society.
doesn't matter ... keep on walking and do things that are good for you ,other people don't know what's good for you.
you don't need extensive brainwashing, you need to find the real you , unadding layers.
step up as a man for fuck sakes STEP UP
not enough, i want you to write this on your forehead when your at home.
you will run no matter what, run now. private messaging is for guys who want to hide themselfs .. make yourself public and don't give a shit what people think of you - accept yourself by putting your problems and core personality out there.

im going to give you some material ... some books etc ... small chunking the process is stupid but taking too much is stupid as well. just commit to one piece of material and go to the next when you fully gone through it and learned everything.
i don't care if you like reading or not.... you do everything that makes you better no matter what . how you get certain material is up to you , you can buy it and you can download some for free. it maybe going to cost you alot of money but be prepared.

what i really recommend ( all of the books i listed are very good books, but if you don't have alot of $ ) :
The Power of Now ( read this first )
RSD blueprint decoded ( watch this / read this second )
Unleash the Warrior Within
Ruling Your World: Ancient Strategies For Modern Life
Prisoners of Our Thoughts
Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life
The Complete Conversations with God (Hardcover)

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment (Paperback): http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-S ... F8&s=books ( recommend)

RSD blueprint decoded ( 20 hour program ) http://www.blueprintdecoded.com/ http://www.rsdnation.com/ ( recommend)

Unleash the Warrior Within: http://www.amazon.com/Unleash-Warrior-W ... =1-1-spell ( recommend)

Ruling Your World: Ancient Strategies For Modern Life (Paperback): http://www.amazon.com/Ruling-Your-World ... 806&sr=1-1 (recommend)

Fight Club: A Novel (Paperback): http://www.amazon.com/Fight-Club-Novel- ... 226&sr=1-1

Man's Search for Meaning (Mass Market Paperback): http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meani ... 119&sr=1-1

Prisoners of Our Thoughts: Viktor Frankl's Principles for Discovering Meaning in Life and Work (Paperback): http://www.amazon.com/Prisoners-Our-Tho ... pd_sim_b_1 ( one of the books with the most beautifull covers)

Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life (Paperback) (recommend): http://www.amazon.com/Peace-Every-Step- ... 141&sr=1-3

The Kid Who Climbed Everest: The Incredible Story of a 23-Year-Old's Summit of Mt. Everest [Bargain Price] (Paperback): http://www.amazon.com/Kid-Who-Climbed-E ... 206&sr=1-3

It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life (Paperback): http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-About-Bik ... F8&s=books

A Fight to Be: A Psychologist's Experience from Both Sides of the Locked Door (Hardcover) : http://www.amazon.com/Fight-Be-Psycholo ... 240&sr=1-8

The Complete Conversations with God (Hardcover) : http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Conversa ... 149&sr=1-1

Finding Your Zone: Ten Core Lessons for Achieving Peak Performance in Sports and Life (Paperback) : http://www.amazon.com/Finding-Your-Zone ... pd_sim_b_3#

Touching the Void: The True Story of One Man's Miraculous Survival (Paperback): http://www.amazon.com/Touching-Void-Sto ... F8&s=books

Gates of Fire: An Epic Novel of the Battle of Thermopylae (Paperback) : http://www.amazon.com/Gates-Fire-Novel- ... 811&sr=1-7

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

o yeah and before you go out and approach girls ( the pua stuff ) .... please watch RSD blueprint decoded first before you approach anyone.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

I've only ready the first post. And I recommend with all my heart the book called "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari" it had a very big impact on me and should do on you. It will help you find your spirit. I hope it will do alot of change for you! You have my best regards

Thank you for the guidelines. Il´l go thru this material, ill work hard. As i said kicking and screaming. This is what i want, even though my mind sometimes just doesn´t want to give a fuck and then starts to whine about it when stuff doesn´t go as it wishes. Man that i didn´t realise this before. When i was younger i mean, all these years. But as you said, the moment is what matters.

Time to step up.

Hi - wow... you seem pretty down - LOL.

OK the good news is, you seem to be taking steps about doing something about it.

My advice, after reading some of this post (I didn't read everything as it was quite long) is this:

You say you lack money, but if you can - travel - you say you want to so just do it? What's keeping you in your small town where everyone has this twisted idea of who you are. Maybe they're right, maybe they'er wrong - that doesn't really matter. We're all different and who you are is fine as long as you're comfortable with it. But it sounds like you're not so why not move to another place and start a fresh. I've done this - it's hard - but ultimately it's great and you can start to build a new personality from scratch.

Secondly it sounds like you may be smoking weed - if you're smoking weed - stop. I know you say you're anti drugs - but some people say they're anti drugs but still smoke weed... I don't know. But weed won't be helping you.

Thirdly take up a Martial Art of some kind - try Krav Maga or Thai Boxing. They're great for moral, inner confidence, fitness and your general mental health.

And lastly I'd like to tell you a little story about ''assumed constraint''. Basically, the limitations we, or sometimes others, put on ourselves.

Have you ever seen those circus elephants? Horrible, I know - how we still have animal circuses in this day and age, I'll never know - but as long as we do maybe you've seen one of those circus elephants. And if you have, maybe you've noticed that horrible little metal ring around it's leg, connected to a chain. The shackle held fast by a stake driven into the ground.

Held fast? A ten tonne elephant held in place by a wooden peg in the ground? I don't think so... but that's all that's stopping these powerful, majestic beasts from breaking free. Why is that? Why don't they just go, ''You know what! I've had enough of this shit! Enough of you and your fucking whips and trapezes and the baying public with their bratty kids pointing yelling and laughing while I balance on one leg and let you degrade me!". Why don't they just rip the chain out of the ground and go on the rampage? I'll tell you why: assumed constraint.


You see, as a baby, that elephant had a metal ring put around it's leg, that ring was then attached to a chain, and that chain was then held in place by a stake driven through the chain into the ground. And everyday that baby elephant tried to break away. It fought and pulled at the chain with all it's might, until finally a deep cut appeared on it's ankle - exposing sore, sensitive layers of deep skin tissue. It hurt to pull like that, and so soon the baby elephant, realising it's efforts were futile, simply stopped trying to escape.


And you know what - elephants never forget.


As that baby elephant grew older, it never forgot how much it hurt to pull at the chain. The chain that never budged no matter how hard it pulled. And so now, whenever it was chored down to the spot and shackled in place, it would think " hey, it's impossible to escape - besides, it hurts."
The adult elephant had 'assumed constraint' and so never even tried to break free, and all of us have the same problem - to one degree or another that is.


But you know what - it is possible to break free of those constraints - possible to shatter the chains that bind us, because you know what - they're not really there... most of the time you just think they are. And the few times that they are really there, all you need to do is find the right tools to get out of them.

_________________
I got 99 problems but a bitch aint one

HI! Here´s my presentation all. I hope you guys understand that it´s hard for me putting my life upp on a plate like this, i never do this. Ivé always been a rock and im just afraid someone will recognize me and use this stuff against me.

Yes i used to do drugs and weed was one of them. It was a temporary relief of just relaxing one second of my life. That is something i haven´t been able to do since i was 12-13.

I dream of traveling and wish for it. But can´t afford it. No i can´t move, don´t have a real job or income. i would move believe u me!

I used to work out in the gym, i used to train muay thai and MMA. But as i said earlier im a freaking whino. Secondary, i have sleep issues. With that kind of mental state i used to work out. Guess what, it didn´t work out. Even the trainers said that i was stiff. Ultimately a guy who i faught with once started to train and he started mocking me in front of everyone, so i quit. I didn´t see a point in training anymore, i really loved it though. But i couldn´t get out of my head. And always being tired. The worst of all was that my spirit had been broken for a long time.

That im down, thats nothing funny but i don´t think you ment anything by that. But when i was younger i was bullied, i started fighting. Im of mixed race and wasn´t liked by anyone.

Many little shitheads got their ass whipped cuz of me. But then i changed school, i had to fight even more. One day a guy just came along and started hitting me, chipped my tooth and its still broken. What happened, i didn´t go down but i had gloves on wich supressed my hits. That was the period of fear started arizing in me. I was always full of fear from now on.

That was the end of my fighting career, the last fight i was in, was with 3dudes. They slammed my head agains a brick wall.

The story goes on forever, people attempted to kille me, nazis hated me. Dudes came up trying to fuck me over. My crazy father pshyched me with sick bullshit. Even my friends just said condensending crap to me all of the time, mainly for my features. I liked a girl and it tuned out she was a nazi whore and her nazi friends started hassling me. Even when i found some interest in girls and started calling them, resulted of my friends telling me that they heard that the girls liked me cuz they felt sorry for me. Everyday they said stupid shit to me. I was abused and people at work threatened me and bosses used me for short time so i never got anything steady or any real income.

This went on and on and on and on and on..........This is a small port of my life, it´s just that it never ended. After my 20´s it started becoming calmer but i have this problem with sleep.

Even though i try to be social everyone just play theese sick games. I started isolating myself. And i was always alone, from childhood i was always alone. Im gonna leave out the worst part´s.

Today im trying to go out, a few years back i met a girl, she was a total bitch, or after 6months of relation she became a total psycho. She said it was from stress at her workplace. I just felt sorry for her and let her be. But then our relation shifted, she just started to say wierd shit and treted me like a fucking dumpingzone for a year talking about her needs and what she wants. We broke up and i didn´t want to be with her anymore. She said let´s get back toghether and i said no.

Then i called her after 2 weeks and said that i think i want to get back together, (i didn´t want to be alone anymore). Well the story ends by her saying she has been fucking with guys and it was great and it ended of her going to my neighbor next door. They woke me up and i heard them talking. They just had been at the club and they were drunk! They were loud even though they thought that they were whispering, (guess from the loud music from before). This just broke my heart. First i wanted to kill them, but i was broken.

I started to go out again, now for 2-3 years from time to time. It hasn´t really worked out and the rumours started spreading. My old friends talk shit, my neighbors, and everyone talks especially girls with their gossip and it goes around shitting my game over. And even people who start to just showing that they are friendly, (im thinking we are all adults now). Well they aren´t friendly, they play sick games. Women puke out alot of shit at me, i noticed that they were as sick as the guys. And im old. Im tired of it, im fucking tired of it.

So if you think im having a hard time, your´e right, im having a hard fucking LIFE! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

That´s why i like the advice Lodewijkp gave me, that was spot on. I wan´t to be able to get mad for once, start to cut thru the bullshit and find something pure in my life. NOT DEAD, CAN`T QUIT, you hear. NOT FUCKING DEAD, CAN`T FUCKING QUIT. SIMPLE CUT THE BULLSHIT!!!!

I want to cut thru the bullshit, everything. Make it as simple and effective as possible. This without being bound to any outside shit.

And that is a problem i have, i never learn. And im always amazed over how people just don´t give a dam about others. They show that they are friendly and care about you. But guess what, they aren´t and they dont care! They just dumped you cuz they got what they wanted, I feel like there is something wrong with me. That im misplaced in this world, to high morals or not understanding the primitive childish behavior. Or reacting too much to it. I don´t know.......I don´t know anything anymore.

I just know that there was something i missed in life. But there are worse stories and im not a fucking victim, im getting out of that BS. I know that there are many people out there with similar horror stories or even worse and they are fighting.

Keep on fighting my friends. I have to remeber this. To keep on fighting. And not quitting when stuff get too comfortable.

Thank you for the elephant story btw. It´s something i related to in a way.

To me, your story is the moast important that I´ve found on this board.
I wan´t you to do great, and be the best motherfucking everything you wan´t to be.
NO sarging NO fucking I can do this and that story, Compells me to the degree that your story does.
And I wish and hope that YOU with a minimum of guiding here, will make it a great one.

I wish you the best, from Sweden
//AFC WhiteW..[/list][/code]

Work on it everyday. Work on yourself everyday. Don´t loose your focus.

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