| Hey man,
By the way, I am not completely new here. Anyway, because I have now decided to start all over again and also to encourage and inspire you and other guys on these forums that it's never too late to start a brand new and better life, I'd now like to make the best introduction of who I am and where I am coming from based on my painful confessions and shocking true story.
By the way, I am bravely calling myself a 39 year old VIRGIN for the fact that I have had ONLY 2-3 oral sex intercourses with ONLY ONE woman in MY ENTIRE LIFE and I don't believe that this oral sex can be counted as "having a proper sex" (I mean a normal penetrational sex). And, the first time EVER I had my first "sex" was when I was a 36 year old guy.
I guess that I could have had many more awesome sexual intercourses (both through normal sex penetrations and also oral sex) with amazingly hot women if I hadn't been stupid to miss a huge number of the sex opportunities offered by the girls and women who were not only showing an obvious interest in me but also were they playfully stalking me and even playfully pinching my ass in public thus clearly letting me know that they wanted to have sex with me.
And, yes, I am now embarrassed to say that I have actually missed ALL these sex opportunities. And, even worse, I failed to have a proper erection for having a normal penetrational sex during ONLY TWO to THREE occasions in MY ENTIRE LIFE when I had only oral sex with ONLY ONE girl.
So, here's my naked and shocking truth.
My dream vision is to create and fully enjoy an international luxury millionaire playboy lifestyle where I'd be able to effortlessly sexually attract the hottest women at any place, at any situation and at any time.
Ideally, such lifestyle would be financially backed up by my dream profitable online business's earnings that would enable me to travel to the most exotic and most glamorous places full of super hot women whenever I want.
Living like a rich male porn star or an attractive macho man in a luxurious beachfront villa where I'd wake up every morning to see a super beautiful model-like woman who is stretching in front of my eyes while I'm still lazing away in bed and she's kind of playfully walking around half naked is one of my favorite dream lifestyle visions that I had about 20 to 25 years ago.
Sometimes, I like to creatively call my dream playboy lifestyle "my porn-like reality" where I'd be totally enjoying my unlimited sexual freedom that's the freedom of freely expressing my true sexual desires and my true sexual feelings with women who really turn me on.
The reason I like to call it "my porn-like reality" is because I have always wanted to create and fully enjoy my ideal world where sexually touching a random hot woman would be as normal and common as saying "Good morning" to a stranger or as easy as drinking water if you like.
Because let's face it. Both our parents and our society have almost totally destroyed our real natural manhood's sexuality and our real sexual desires towards women that truly turn us on. And, man, I can tell you for sure that having such unlimited freedom and ability of freely sexually expressing myself in front of my desired women means LIFE FUEL to me if you know what I mean.
In other words, everytime I could confidently say to my desired woman things like "you've got so beautifully tight ass" where I am openly letting her know that I am really and truly sexually attracted to her and she then smiles at me with a pleasure, I feel ALIVE and I feel MYSELF.
Furthermore I even dare to say that I like myself more and that I am extremely proud of myself everytime I give such sexual compliments or sexual banters to women that really turn me on because I am aware that I am doing something that the majority of men worldwide is scared to do.
And, they are scared to do it because they live under the illusion that if they openly express their true and real sexual feelings towards women that really turn them on, they would do something extremely wrong like emotionally hurting a woman, for example.
And, the truth of the matter is that most women absolutely love to meet sexually confident men that's the men who are not shy to freely and openly share their true sexual desires and their true sexual feelings. This is what I've learned from top pick up artists and also what I've experienced in my own life when meeting women.
Okay. Now, you know what my dream vision is and what makes me alive. Anyway, what's my true story?
Here we go.
As a little boy, I always felt a strong desire for beautiful women. I know that another man reading this may now think: "Ah, don't you think that all men were like this when they were little boys?"
Well, if you are asking me this question, all I can honestly tell you is that I don't know about that without any intention to brag by saying that I might have been one of those rare boys myself.
Anyway, if you keep reading this post, you may soon realize that quite a few girls and women in my life have really felt attracted to me in the way that not only have they made it obvious but also have they stalked me and once even grabbed my ass, believe it or not.
And, by the way, once again I am not saying all this to brag in any way but just to help you get a clear picture of where I am coming from. Because you are soon going to learn that I wasn't actually taking any advantage of those girls and women who were showing their obvious sexual interest in me.
And, this is definitely one of my pains that I want to get fixed as soon as possible.
So, let me try to quickly go through my life from the early childhood up until now.
As a kid, I used to be very sexually playful and free when it came to expressing my true sexual feelings towards girls and women that really turned me on. So, here are just a couple of examples of that.
During my preschool age when I was about 5 year old, I would confidently sexually express myself and even sexually touch the girls that I was really attracted to.
So, I will never forget when I once jumped on my desired blonde hottie when she was getting ready to lie down on her bed during the sleep-time at our school.
Another example of my childhood's sexual playfulness and freedom was when I called the woman who was looking after me my girlfriend while firmly hugging and caressing her legs.
Then as I was growing up, my sexual playfulness started to gradually fade away whether for my parents' upbringing or for our society's everyday routines of living and working where openly sharing my true sexual desires became something that I felt I should shy away from.
Because like many other men, I was also infected with the same syndrome of shyness over freely expressing my real sexual feelings towards women that really turn me on.
Now, to help you better understand where my dream vision is coming from, I'd like to say to you that since my childhood and teen years, I've got to love the idea of being different from many of my schoolmates and my peers whose cynical behaviour I never liked.
The reason I didn't like it is because braggers and bullies used to make fun of me often when I shared my genuine and honest opinions and experiences with them as a group publicly.
You know there was almost always one of those guys who wanted to dominate or boast themselves during those group public conversations among my peers and he often used to say something just to make fun of me in one way or another as if he was seeing me as a wuss.
It was most likely because of the fact that I always used to be one of these nice and polite guys who never liked to oppose to anybody. So, I easily became the victim or the target of these braggers and bullies throughout my elementary and secondary education.
So, I soon realized that the behaviour of such guys come as the result of that kind of social phenomenon where they either fiercely want to be the leaders of the group or simply want to fawn upon their group's rules even at the expense of them not liking those rules because they are scared of sticking out of the crowd like "black sheep" based on being themselves if you know what I mean.
And, the funny thing is that most of these braggers would totally respect me and treat me well everytime he and I would walk and talk alone or one-on-one.
So, this is how I started to gradually think that blending in the groups of these braggers as well as blindly following the rules, the habits and even the tradition of our mainstream society won't help me create my own DREAM life because I soon realized that putting up with our society's rules won't be guarantee of my life's happiness and success.
So, speaking of our society's tradition and rules, I soon started to hate the idea of fighting and competing with other guys over the same girl and therefore started to DREAM about creating a powerful and attractive personality that would guarantee me my desired successes in both effortlessly attracting hot women and also running a super profitable online business that could easily make me the next millionaire if you like.
So, that's how I became a "lonely wolf" who started to DREAM BIG in the way that I wanted to be different from my peers and also from the majority of people out there in general.
Because I soon realized that if I carried on forcing myself into being member of any such peer groups or our society as a whole, I would never be able to freely and fully enjoy who I really am and would never be able to accomplish my DREAMS.
In other words, I realized that following the practice of accepting to work in many 9 to 5 jobs wouldn't enable me to make as much money as I wanted and also wouldn't support my dream luxury playboy lifestyle where I'd like to have an unlimited free time to travel to exotic places and meet hot women any time I want.
Anyway, accomplishing my dream has come down to just talking the talk that's without me taking any concrete actions to accomplish it.
So, all in all I've spent about the last 20 years of my entire life not making any significant progress in either the dating arena or the field of starting a profitable online business.
As the result, I would "hit my head against the wall" not making any of my desired improvements in both picking up women and making money online.
Moneywise, I ended up working in odd commission-only based direct sales and cold calling jobs that I never really enjoyed.
And, I got my first job abroad. It was London, UK that I went to in hope that just my staying and working there would significantly increase the likelihood of me creating my dream international luxury playboy lifestyle.
You know I was kind of hoping deep inside myself that just staying in a big city such as London could easily help me create some kind of James Bond lifestyle.
Anyway, my ten year staying in London turned into the real nightmare that I got trapped in like a lifetime prisoner.
However, for about several years prior to my going to London, I turned from that "lonely wolf" and an introvert guy mostly going out solo and observing women from a distance into a women's street stalker in hope that it would help me pick them up.
By the way, this street stalking habit gradually grew from one of my teen's habit of giving (or throwing away) the paper messages with compliments to sexy women who used to work in newspapers kiosks, for example.
I know that was a damn silly thing to do. And, sometimes I would do it solo and sometimes in the company of my friend who was about 3-4 generations younger than me.
Because you remember that I've lost almost all contact with most of my peers, especially when it came to socializing outside the school.
One of other stupid and pointless things that I did before my London trip was wasting my money on condoms, giving a few written mesages with compliments to girls at my university, grabbing my desired college girl's bum with my full hands while we were in the crowd and also stealthily practicing the tantric sex exercises in the bathroom of the national army's building.
The latter even caused me to get an inconvenient health problem that was a form of anal prolapse (similar to the problem of hemorrhoids).
By the way, this inconvenience is luckily not a very serious issue or a big deal apart from the fact that my anal muscle got so loosened so that it often gets to partially hang everytime I want to empty my bowels, and it often makes me stay longer at the toilet.
Anyway, you can call the latter a 'pain in the ass' despite the fact it doesn't hurt me at all.
Now, the funny and paradoxical thing of all of these silly things was the fact that in neither of the above events was I anywhere near the situation of having sex with my desired women.
To make my sex life even worse or more tragicomic if you like, I was in a quite a few situations in my life where beautiful girls were either giving me clear and obvious signals that they wanted to f**k me or they were literally stalking me on the street because they were sexually attracted to me.
The latter could be best described when two of my very attractive female neighbors were playfully following me everytime they used to see me walk by.
And, the situation where women were giving me obvious indicators of their sexual interest was when my college female colleague was literally playfully and teasingly rubbing her shoulders against mine on a few ocassions during sports lessons on the outdoor playground.
Another interesting situation when it comes to women obviously showing that they are sexually attracted to me was when a young girl (accompanied with her female friend) playfully pinched my ass immediately after I'd got on the tram (a means of public transport in my home country - Croatia).
In the above situation, I guess that she might have fallen for my overall appearance combined with my natural inborn sex appeal because I remember that I was then wearing a white shirt, blue jeans, my hair was freshly washed and vibrant, and I sprayed quite a substantial dose of deodorant on me. I looked as if I was going for a date.
Anyway, if you want to know how I responded to that girl playfully pinching my ass, I must now tell you that I was absolutely frozen that's totally lost for words, simply not knowing what to say in that moment. Sadly enough, I was acting so shy so that I even didn't turn around to look at the girl who pinched my ass.
So, I blew up all these given sexual situations and sex opportunities for two to three reasons.
First, at that time I was believing that I shouldn't engage into any sexual activities with women before marriage thanks to my Catholic religion.
And, the second reason was most likely the real one which was my fear of having a sexual intercourse with women due to the fact that I was a virgin at the time.
And, the third one was that I was shit scared of getting infected with AIDS as the result of having a casual sex with women because there was a kind of AIDS scare in the world's media for quite a few years. I even dare to say that I was suffering from some kind of AIDS phobia at that time.
The bottom line is that I was constantly postponing the events of having sex with women for two main reasons.
First, I was sexually insecure and sexually shy by being a virgin at that time.
And, second, I was kind of trying to find excuses for not having sex with women either in my religion or in my efforts to wait for some perfect timing to have sex that's the time when I am going to be totally sexually fit, sexually confident or sexually educated to be able to have a sex of my lifetime.
Hence I bought the booklet on the tantric sex in hope that it would help me get sexually fit and sexually educated enough. The lesson learned here is that it's never good to be a perfectionist in life.
Speaking of my religion excuse, I wasted about 3 to 4 years of my life following or better say stalking a hot woman who lived in my local neighborhood and who I chatted with only a couple of times.
The absurd situation was that despite the fact I knew she had boyfriends, I was believing that she was the woman God was sending me thanks to a series of 'signs' that I was finding around me day in day out for years.
Guess what. Nothing intimate has ever happened between us. So, 4 years of my life wasted forever.
To make it even worse and more tragicomic, I was stupidly ignoring many other girls' sexual interest in me because I believed that that woman was God's gift for me.
Speaking of wasting the money on unnecessary things, I have lately learned that it is scientifically proven that people normally tend to spend a ridiculous amount of money on buying a lot of material (books, ebooks, courses) in order to solve some of their most painful problems because either they have lost faith in themselves or they are kind of afraid that they are not capable of facing and solving the problem themselves.
Before I go back to my London life, I hope that you realize the fact that one of my strengths or inborn talents has definitely been my sex appeal among women without any intention to brag about it.
Furthermore, there were also many more situations earlier in my childhood where even older girls and women of my mother's age were obviously flirting with me and I was fully aware of that. But unfortunately I wasn't experienced in sexually escalating at that time.
So, here comes my London life. I initially went to work as an au-pair (the person who looks after somebody else's children) in London (UK) because that was the only way for me to escape the unemployment crisis in my home country Croatia and also escape my "fight" with my parents who were constantly trying to push me to accept any kind of job (even the jobs that I didn't like).
I very much hated my parents' advice because at that time there were lots of cases where the local employers were abusing their employees the way they didn't pay them their wages and salaries. Anyway, once again one of my main motives for flying to London was me being seduced into the belief that by some magic event I would easily create my kind of James Bond like international luxury playboy lifestyle supported by an unlimited wealth as well as surrounded by an endless number of hot women.
Anyway, nothing of my London based James Bond like international playboy lifestyle dream happened. After all the painful hardships and challenges of working as an aupair for 3 different British families for about a year, I ended up working as a commission-only direct sales agent.
I was stopping people on the street, at shopping malls as well as knocking both domestic households' and high street based companies' doors in order to sell them things like IT (computer) training and paintballing tickets on the spot.
And, you remember English is not my mother tongue. So, one of the reasons for my London trip was surely to drastically improve my English.
The reason why I ended up working in direct sales was the fact that normally commission-only direct sales employers don't bother checking out the visa status of their foreign employees. I am saying this in order to stress another 'pain in the ass' which was the fact that the immigration rule applying to the citizens of Croatia who want to work in the UK is that everytime I want to change my UK employer, I should go back to Croatia and apply for another UK job from Croatia.
The latter was a very aggravating situation for me because I was aware that there were always a risk that I would never be able to go back to work in the UK if I went back to Croatia and apply for any new UK jobs from Croatia. Because it was so difficult for a highly skilled Croatian citizen to get a job in the UK at that time.
In a nutshell, here's how my ten year long UK stay went. And, to be honest with you, it looked as if it had gone as fast as ten months and not ten years. The best way I could transparently go though it all would be if I briefly sum it up through its pros and cons if you like.
The pros:
-> I brushed up both my spoken and written English language skills; I mastered my direct sales communication skills and made some cool money in direct sales;
-> I got extremely confident in cold approaching random people (including women) everywhere;
-> As far as dating was concerned, I mastered the skills of opening up the conversations with random women, easily building up a rapport with them and getting their phone numbers after an only 5-6 minute long initial chat;
-> I became very resourceful and managed to find my way when it came to finding new jobs and also finding free accommodation at that time I was dead broke at the end of my ten year long UK story. I'm soon going to tell you why and how I got broke.
The cons:
-> I didn't have life because I was working almost day and night in both direct sales and later cold calling jobs (I was sleeping only 4 hours a day on average constantly for years);
-> I was very unproductive in the field of cold calling that's selling advertising space strictly over the phone while working for quite a few media sales agencies that were mostly offering only commission as their compensation or remuneration package to their sales staff.
Guess what. I was making almost no money in the field of selling advertising space over the phone for my last five years of staying in London.
Day in day out after many sleepless nights, I would go to work as a dead broke wuss hoping and dreaming of closing that BIG sales deal that would change my entire life financially. And, I have never closed it;
-> As the result of not having enough free time and also not having enough money, not only did I end up turning into women's street stalker again but also did I start to tactlessly sexually flirt with my female colleagues. The latter even forced me to resign from a couple of jobs because I was reported for sexual harassment at work (I was crying rivers on these events);
-> I also turned into a kind of social robot mechanically approaching random women on the street. And, as the result, a couple of women who I randomly approached on the street called up policemen walking by (luckily I had no criminal record);
-> I kept being thrown away from many different night clubs after I was making one same mistake over and over again. And, the mistake was that every time I went to a club, I would first stand on a 'death row' like many other wusses and just pointlessly observe my desired girls for ages.
-> Then, when I finally decided to approach that girl who I'd already exchanged so many eye contacts with on the same night, she would got so irritated and angry with me so that she would either tell me to f**k off or call the club's bouncers to kick me out of the club (the lesson learned here was that I should never wait to approach any woman I like);
-> Also, I would go to many night clubs in hope that I would somehow get laid by just showing up or impressing my target women in one way or another. So, I would start showing off my kind of hip-hop break dancing twists where I could funnily move and wave my flexible hips, ankles and shoulders exactly to the music beats and the rhythm like Mick Jagger, Jamiro Quai and modern hip-hop break dancers would do on the stage.
I realized that both hot chicks and guys around me were enjoying watching me do my magic dance twists with passion. I say 'with passion' because I've always loved to socially entertain hot women in the way they instantly get sexually attracted to me.
-> However, my painful enigma for years was that I never knew how to successfully pick up and sexually escalate with a hot woman in a night club.
-> I never knew how to isolate her from a group of her friends, how to kiss-close her and how to f-close her when dancing next to each other, for example.
So, not knowing any of these things for years was making me even more sexually frustrated and jealous of all the guys who were smoothly kiss-closing and f-closing hot chicks in front of my eyes.
-> The only two times I got more intimate with girls in clubs was when I met two drunk girls (each one at two different clubs).
-> The first girl approached me and started French kissing me like crazy.
-> And, the second girl invited me to come together to her house after the club's closing time. So, she called up and paid the taxi driver who drove us to her house.
She asked me to take off my clothes and lie next to her in her bed.
So, the absurd situation was that I got half naked and went down at her by kissing and licking her shaven vagina despite the fact she wasn't feeling any of that because she was already fast asleep.
Anyway, I did it for only a few seconds and then stopped because I felt stupid for doing so since there was no live interaction in there;
-> I got so f**king addicted to mechanically approaching women in public so that on a couple of occasions I came late on my dates with two women because on my way to meet these women I was approaching other women.
-> As the result, one time when I was late for one date, I started to furiously shouting at the woman (my date) who wasn't waiting for me at our agreed location when I finally arrived.
So, when I found her with a group of her female friends at a nearby bar a few minutes later, I started so aggressively shouting at her because I was furious that she wasn't waiting for me at our agreed place;
-> Another burst of my furious aggressions towards women was when the girl who I initially met on the bus and swapped phone numbers with replied to my text messages a couple of weeks later than I initially sent it to her;
-> Quite a few times, I blew up the opportunity to have sex with women after I successfully picked them up whether literally from the street or elsewhere. The main reason for that was that I wasn't sexually confident and experienced enough to sexually escalate and have sex with them because I was still a virgin at that time.
-> One of the most painful experiences was the situations where immediately after successfully picking up a hot French girl sitting down on a park bench and then taking her to the nearby bar, she stood up and left me and the bar as soon as I exchanged a few words with another woman who walked up to the bar's counter where we were sitting and chatting.
I almost started to cry like a baby. I was running after her and saying out loud to her that I was sorry for what just happened in the bar. I was begging her to come back as she was entering the bus. And, she never came back and I never saw her again in my life.
-> Another frustratingly painful situation was when I managed to successfully approach and open up a girl accompanied by a man that looked like her boyfriend. So, I got her phone number and a few days later she and I met in a bar. And, the pain was that I didn't know how to sexually escalate.
So, just at the end of our meeting when I was clumsily trying to kiss her, I openly admitted to her that I'd never had sex with women by almost begging her to have sex with me. She then said that it wasn't possible because she was in a relationship.
Man, my eyes were full of tears when parting with this girl. And, I remember she also said to me that she was a TV journalist from Austria. So, I then embarrassingly said to her that I hoped she would never publicly say on her television network that she met me as a 30+ year old virgin.
-> Another painful situation was when I secured a date with a woman who I initially approached on the underground train and got her phone number. So, a few days later we met in a bar where once again I came to the point of being cock blocked and frozen not knowing how to sexually escalate.
Instead, I almost got into an aggressive verbal fight with the girl because I was finding her direct questions very provocative and insulting in the way as if I felt she suddenly started to realize that I was a pure sexually frustrated wuss.
And, the painful truth was that I definitely was that sexually frustated wuss.
-> And, to round up sharing with you a series of these frustrating events with women, let me just tell you one more example.
-> Once when I was working as an event steward for a London based events security and catering firm, I had the unique opportunity to work inside the glamorous garden of the Buckingham Palace on the occasion of the Queen's Golden Jubilee celebrations in 2002.
There I approached and met a beautiful woman that came to this London event all the way from the surroundings of Liverpool (that's a few hour train traveling journey away from London).
Again, as usual I successfully built a rapport with the woman and got her phone number at the end of our meeting. A couple of months later, she invited me to visit her and even stay at her house over night all the way in her local town near Liverpool.
Man, I was so excited because never ever before was I invited by any woman to come to stay over night at her own home.
So there we met. And, it was all good until the moment when we came to the beach and at some point stopped to lean against the fence and catch some rest after a long walk down the coastal promenade. There I once again clumsily went for a kiss and failed.
Like before, the woman rejected me and said that it wasn't possible for us to get intimate.
Those moments I was hardly preventing my tears from falling down my cheeks. And, that night I was staying over at her house I was crying out loud like a grumpy kid almost all night long.;
-> I had sex ONLY TWO to THREE times with ONLY ONE woman in my ENTIRE life and it came down to having only oral sex because my erections failed me each time. So, I wouldn't even consider this oral sex as having a proper sex (I mean "having a proper penetrational sex"). And, the first time EVER I had this "sex" intercourse was when I was a 36 year old guy.
-> Then I got addicted to watching porn movies on the internet as well as doing regular masturbations;
-> As for my dream online business building went, I was buying ebook after ebook on the subject that didn't help me at all while hardly making my ends meet for my last four years of staying in London. As the result I was constantly on the verge of financial failure and because of that my parents were sending me money instead of me sending money to them because I was going deeper and deeper into my credit card's debt;
-> Finally, as the defeat of my ego, my parents helped pay off all my credit card's debt and financially helped me leave the UK because I wasn't approved the permanent UK work visa that I was living for and dreaming about for all my ten years of staying in London.
So, the bottom line is that I have never lived and enjoyed a passionate life let alone my dream millionaire playboy lifestyle.
So, coming back to my home country thanks to the financial help of my parents who I wanted to leave forever ten years back and now having to start my life all over again was a very bitter and ugly pill to swallow especially for the fact that my last twenty years passed so quickly and I came nowhere near achieving my dream lifestyle.
If you have any questions, please feel free to send me a PM (private message) here.
In advance THANK YOU for all your support and encouragement.
Bruno
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