| If you didn't already notice, this post is really long. If you don't want to read my entire life story, I suggest reading the first 5 paragraphs and then skipping down to the paragraph that is bolded.
Hey guys my name is Jonathan. I'm currently a Senior in high school, but have been reading this forum and others like it since my Freshman year. Wow, it does not seem like I've been reading this stuff for that long; time really does fly.
Anyway, about ME the person: I am what your highschool year book would refer to as the 'Secret Geek'. What i mean by that is that I am one of the sociable, popular kids by nature, but i also happen to be extremely intelligent when it comes to academics and just life in general (at least for my age...I'm still learning of course). This personality dichotomy of mine makes me pretty arrogant as I feel I experience the best of both worlds.
Lets talk about arrogance...My arrogance is my best and worst quality. People are either going to love me or hate me, and even if you love me, I will definitely piss you off in some way some where down the line. When I am congruent with my arrogance, I feel on top of the world. When I am not, due to hormones, rejection, family problems, etc. it's a killer - I feel like a piece of shit.
In other words, I am arrogant, that is ME, though arrogance doesn't imply perpetual confidence so when I am feeling down, I really feel down as I can feel my own incongruent vibe, and from what I've read on this forum and experienced in real life, other people can sense my incongruence as well.
If i were to evaluate myself with women, I'd say I'm not bad; I have a lot of potential (in terms of getting girls as well as general potential for success). I'd say I'm pretty handsome - 6'2", athletic build, tan blah blah blah... I lost my virginity to my current one-itis when I was a Freshman shortly after I found this site, Ladder Theory etc. I haven't had sex since. I've had many chances and I notice girls' attraction to me on a regular basis but I'm not too good at escalating. I over-analyze things too much and I sometimes get stuck in my head and basically psyche myself out.
On my One-itis...it's like any other case of one-itis and I know it. It sucks, it really does. I met this girl back in the 6th grade and I was attracted from the first time I laid eyes on her. She's a very attractive, petite half white half japanese girl. We are very much a like - I would not be very far off if I said she's a female version of me. We are so much alike it sucks, and her most attractive feature to me is her intelligence; we are intellectual equals.
Anyway our history goes like this. I had a crush on her when i met her. Pursued her a bit then lost interest and opted for a flirty platonic relationship instead. She was my best girl friend for awhile since we were in the same social circle and had similar personalities/interests, not to mention she is in all of the same classes as me. Throughout middle school, I did not really think of her in a romantic sense since my initial loss of interest. I dated her best friend, she dated mine and it was all cool. Our friendship was fun and actually fulfilling which is rare between a guy and girl. I was completely content just being friends with her...for awhile. Come to think of it, I had many chances to lay/hook up with her (this is middle school remember), as I was always naturally flirting, push-pulling, cocky funny because that was me and I loved messing with her.
Then she and my best friend break up come our Freshman year of high school and I start noticing her showing romantic interest in me, but I wasn't really sure. It actually took me a long time to really notice it and looking back on it she was pretty overt with it...I'm surprised she didn't lose interest as it took me about 6 months to finally fuck her. Though in the time leading up to sex, our relationship was the best...I legitimately love talking to this girl and we did a lot of talking and flirting. However, after we fucked (only once) I completely blew myself out. Anything that can go wrong, did. At the time I had just found pick up about 2 months prior so I was not sound at all in true inner game. Sometimes I wish I never stumbled across this website as the harsh realities of love and attraction have really fucked with my head and demeanor at times. I lost a lot of respect for women which isn't cool and now-a-days things are a bit better as I realize they just act according to their social/biological programming so its really not their fault.
The truth really is hard at times.
Anyway back to the story of my one-itis, we fucked and I caught feelings hard and fast. I became very protective/smothering of her and I treated her like my girlfriend though we only hooked up a few times. She was also much more sexually experienced than me and had plenty of options. Anyway we hook up for a few days, she goes and hooks up with an older dude while on vacation. I ask her who it was promising i won't be mad, once she tells me I flip out because that shit hurts when you really care about someone. That's strike one. Then I start acting much differently around her when we're out partying with our mutual friends. I was basically really smothering, really needy, not natural at all as all of this PUA stuff was fucking with my head and i was not interpreting it correctly.
Basically, I was not the man she knew and loved; once i got the pussy i changed, and she assumed all the power in the relationship. Needless to say, we stopped hooking up one week after we had sex. It took me one week to alter a friendship beyond repair. Anyway I got over her after about a month or so, but i was never really over her no matter what i was telling myself. My interest had subsided but it was always there at least sub consciously. We didn't talk for awhile because i was trying to 'next' her, but I never really nexted her because I had the intention of resuming contact at some point in the future. I actually did this a couple times because she would do things that would push my buttons and a trivial fight would turn into no communication for months on end since we are both really stubborn. Every time we did resume contact though, our friendship seemed just as strong as ever.
So now for events taking place in real time: Last week, I ended a stint of non-communication with this girl that lasted for 2 years. Recently, I've started to feel strong feelings for her again. I figured, why not just talk to her...I'm a changed man and much less dependent on the outcome of things than i was before. Also, having to ignore someone who you are always around is very difficult, annoying, and just a complete waste of energy. I should have ended this 'fight' much sooner but whatever you live and you learn. So I took her to lunch and it was great. Like I said, I love talking to this girl. I held a strong frame and I wasn't focused at all on PUA. I was genuinely interested in catching up with her, and I was interested in fucking her. Though the tone of the meeting was much less friendly as I do not want to Friend Zone myself. That being said, I wasn't pursuing her or smothering her like i did before. I kept strong eye contact, alpha body language, and was just comfortable.
She has a boyfriend who is in college but it's not really that serious. I foresee them breaking up in the near future but that's irrelevant. I know she's interested in me but I sense a mixed-feelings vibe from her. I also sense her congruence testing me almost constantly. Sometimes she will be very warm when I greet her and other times not so much...meh, regardless I just try to keep my same bubbly, funny, dickish, high energy mood because I'm done playing games with her.
I am who I am now and if she's not buying...there are a lot of other girls who are interested. Though i say that, I know my feelings for her are deep-rooted somewhere in my subconscious. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about her (which sucks man I hate having those thoughts swimming around in my head) and other times I could care less what happens between me and her (sexually that is).
IDK it seems that i've rambled on enough already and when I started writing this, i was in the 'can't stop thinking about her' mindset, but now I'm kinda over it for the time being.
So my friends, if you've made it this far I thank and commend you. Feel free to ask questions, give advice, and critique!
P.S. haha just realized my original intention for writing this was to ask for advice on how to get her out of my head when those instances occur where she is consuming my mental space.
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E'erbody Say 'Ayyyy We want some PUSSSSAAYYYY'
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CHAT
if not there is plenty of girls out there
that's terrible!