I figure an introduction is a good place for me to pour my heart out.

I've become somewhat of a social case study; a self proclaimed schizoid mixed with esteem issues that I mask with arrogance. But I look around and see everyone else, and it makes me wonder whether there's hope for me. Whether I'll ever be able to catch up.

I was always the fat, quiet, shy, nasally voiced kid at school and when I wasn't being picked on I was being ignored. My family was too busy for me and I had no friends, I lived a very boring and solitary youth.

Near the end of high school I made a half-assed attempt to change myself, lost 20 pounds but kept everything else thinking everything would turn around. Eventually girls began to pay some attention to me, I was met with sparse but actual conversations that I was too awkward to maintain, advances that I was too clueless to reciporate, invitations to events that I was too pussy to accept. Many of these interactions were from girls I fantasized about during class.

I went to college where my first and only "relationship" ended in a matter of 1 week. From then on, there have only been random parties where the usual happens: I go, I get drunk, I inadvertently come off as a prick, I go home, sigh and go to sleep. I'm now near the end of my college career and my experience barely extends beyond kissing in moments of mutual drunken stupor. As pathetic as it may sound, I look back and marvel at the "miracle" that I've actually kissed women before. Needless to say I'm still a virgin at 22.

OK so that's the backstory, this is me at this point:
I'm occasionally approached by women, but any attempt of me approaching them has ended up being a crash and burn scenario. A handful of attractive women have admitted that they were attracted to me physically but then I open my mouth and all my low self esteem, insecurities, cynicism, and negativity seems to come out EVEN when I think I'm laughing, smiling, being energetic and fun. Everything becomes flipped upside down.

I'm ultimately discouraged. I don't know what to do at this point. I can't seem to get it right but I try and fail and I'll be willing to fail my entire life if I could only taste success just once. I cling onto hope that I CAN, and someday WILL get it right. Maybe that's not the way to go about it, but ultimately that's why I'm here.

Hi nice to meet you, I am ChienAndalou.

Hi ChienAndalou. You are quit negative and down on yourself. That obviously is something you should work on. From what i gather woman are already positively interested in you so you're already halfway there. You at least seem to have had more luck with woman than I so far.

I am sure you will find a lot of good advice on how to improve your coinfidence and self-esteem and thus your sucess with woman.

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About the name Xenu:
http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007 ... ogy-p1.php

Chien, good to have you hear and thanks for sharing your background so candidly. I'm new to this site as well, and I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. It sounds like you are really stressing about your situation. At some point you have to let that stress go, or you'll have trouble making changes. Someone once told me "what you focus on is what you become".

My advice is to set some concrete goals, write them down, then take a look at them each day. Also, don't try to change everything about your behaviors too quickly. Whenever I have done this in the past, I end up getting burned out and eventually give up. This week I decided to focus on projecting my voice. Next week I'll work on some aspects of my body language. Doing this I can see my progress more concretely, and don't feel too overwhelmed.

Welcome again, and hope some of what I said helps.