5 Best jokes I got from Maxim.com



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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 3:18 pm 
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Hey, I love maxim mag. It's fucking awesome. I wanted to share some of the jokes I had from recently issues.

1) "There's a cat, dog and a penis sitting around a camp fire. The dog says, "My life sucks-my master makes me piss on fire hydrants!" The cat looks at him with digust and replied, "Well, my master makes me shit in a litter box!" The penis is outraged. "Well at least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you puke!"

2) "A woman is walking to work when she comes across a parriot standing on a pole outside of the petshop. "Hey Lady!" The parriot calls out to the lady. She stops and says, "Yes/" "You're the most ugliest woman I've ever seen!" In a huff the woman conitnue walking to work really pissed off. She was walking back from work that later evening when she came across the same parriot. "Hey Lady?" The lady looks at the parriot and replies, "Yes?" "You're the most ugliest woman I've ever seen!" THe lady goes into the pet store and complains to the manager. The manager reassures her that the bird won't say it again. The next morning the lady walks pass the bird and the bird calls out, "Hey Lady?" The woman stops and replied, "Yeah?" "Well, you know!"

3) "There's a vacationing penguine driving through Arizonia. It's a hot sunny day when he noticed his oil light is on. He stops the car and looks under the car and sure enough there's oil dripping. He takes it to a local repair shop and walks through town. Since he's a penguine and it's really hot out, he decides that Ice Cream will really hit the spot! He goes to the ice cream parlor and orders a vanilla sundae. Since he has flippers-he makes a mess out of himself. He goes back to the repair shop and asks what's wrong with the car. He mechanic looks up at him and says, "I think you blew a seal!" "No, no, no...It's just ice cream!"

4) A man calls a house and a woman answer's the phone. "Hello?" The woman replies. "Hi, yes! Can I speak with my wife?" He tells her. "But...I thought the man upstairs is her husband." He hears in the background moaning and groaning. "What?! How would you like to make $2,000 dollars?" The lady asks how can she do that. "Well, it's involentary manslaugher if you go upstairs and get my gun out of my desk and shot that whore and that asshole." SHe puts down the phone and finds the gun in the desk. THe man hears two shots and screams. The woman runs back to the phone. "Now what?" The woman asks. "NOw bury them in the garden." "There is not garden." The woman replies. "What?! Is this 555-1243?"

5) Q: What do you call a amish guy sticking his hand up a horses ass?
A: A mechanic!

HOpe you enjoy these jokes! Have a good day guys!

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:24 pm 
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French man explains how he kisses his wife's feet and she rises at least an inch off the bed with excitement.
Italian man not wanting to be out smarted, 'oh i put my tongue in my wife's naval and she rises six inche's off the bed with excitement.'
English man over hearing amid passing by comments 'i wipe my self on the sheets after having sex and my wife hits the fucking roof!

A lesbian goes to a weight watchers meeting and is told 'you are what you eat' to which she replies 'are you calling me a cunt?'


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:39 pm 
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A prostitute charges £50 for sex on the grass, £100 for sex on a mattress and £150 for sex in a luxury hotel.

An Irish man approaches and hands her £50. The prostitute rolls her eyes and has sex with him on the grass.

An English man comes in next and hands her £100. The prostitute sighs and they go at it on the dingy mattress.

Next, a Greek man shows up and hands over £150. The prostitute's eyes open up wide and she smiles.
"Finally, a man with some class."

The Greek man looks at her and says,

"Class my ass bitch, 3 times on the grass!"


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:41 pm 
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Just bought a sundeland advent calender
Fucking typical all the windows are boarded up
and some bastard has nicked all the chocolates.

A geordie picked a woman up in a nightclub and was sitting in his car, she said 'kiss me where its dirty and smelly' he replied 'im not driving to sunderland at this time of night.'

A woman goes to the antique roadshow, slaps a tampax on the table and says 'there you go you clever bastard tell me what fucking period thats from.'


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:03 pm 
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Murphy: you've a nice couple of goldfish there paddy, what are their names?
Paddy: i've called them one and two.
Murphy: why is that then paddy?
Paddy: coz if One dies, i've still got Two.

Richman: im getting my wife diamond earrings and im taking her for a candle lit dinner for valentines day, what about you?
Poorman: im just getting my wife a pair of cheap slippers and a dildo.
Richman: Thats not very romantic!
Poorman: Well if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:45 am 
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Oi im not done yet, read my jokes, thankyou please

Before we make love she said, i must tell you the truth, look! She slipped off a wig and was as bald as can be. Oh thats ok he replied. Wait, there is more she then said. She removed padding from her bra, slipped out a glass eye, removed a false hand and leg. Im going down stairs he said. Just throw it down when your ready!

British Airways are flying there chinese aircraft crash investigator into heathrow. Mr. Wat wen fu kin wong arrives tomorrow...


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 6:46 pm 
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I have a brain tumor in the shape of balls and a weeny. I guess my dick is really up. :wink:


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 10:43 pm 
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An Irishman is driving to work one frosty morning and sees an HGV lorry in front of him, straight away he starts beeping his horn and flashing his lights till the guy pulls over. He jumps out his car and runs to the cab and says "Thank goodness you pulled over mate, I've been following you two miles up the road and you've lost half your load!" To which the lorry driver replies "I'm a road gritter you thick cunt" :D


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 2:08 am 
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So I am going to get laid using these jokes?


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 5:08 pm 
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Hey you wanna hear a joke? Women's rights! *Gets slapped.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 6:48 pm 
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FlexBrah wrote:
So I am going to get laid using these jokes?


Nope. Those are male humor dirty jokes. You' be better off with dry sarcastic or clever jokes that show your intelligence or confidence.

For ex:

- You know this one time I was at a bar and there was a really cute chick sitting next to me. I didn't say anything and keep looking at my watch. It finally bugged her and she asked why did I keep doing so. I told her I just bought this magic watch and it tells me everything I want to know and that it said something about her earlier. She asked me what it was. I said it told me that you're not wearing any panties. She laughed and said no it's wrong I'm wearing one. At this point, I just replied with a smile "The damn watch must be an hour early!"

- There was a man strangled in the middle of nowhere. He walked hours after hours and finally reached a church. He asked if he can borrow their horse and make it to town. The priest told him it's okay but the horse was specially trained so if he wants it to run he'd have to say "THanks God" and if he wants it to stop, he needs to say "Oh my God!". The man got on the horse and ride it as fast as he can, suddenly he reached a cliff, freaking out he screamed "OH MY GOOODDD!". Luckily he made it in time, the horse stopped right at the edge. At this moment, he wiped his sweat in relief and said "THANKS GOD!"

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