This new journal is designed to dissociate myself with the negativity found in "life of chime" for ME.
Though for those reading it my be convenient to know this is basically "chime's journal volume 2" [technically as far as this site is concerned it would really be volume 3 since I had one on here detailing my run at no masturbation].
To start I'll tell a story of what I used to be like and where I was headed in life and what I want to be.
In the distant past pre-smoking era [hmm... Here's a timeline that I'll make an effort to edit... if something doesn't make sense it's cause I'm writing this for me]
Birth <--> Pre-memory <--> The sliding glass door [earliest memory] <--> College Park <--> Crestview Dr <--> Meridith and Nate <--> Avon <--> High school v1 <--> High school v2 <--> High school v3 <--> College round 1 <--> Midway Mall <--> Smoking <--> Despair...... <--> Depression <--> Suicidal... <--> Post smoking <--> Present
Anyway that's really mostly for me.
Prior to smoking I was generally not as depressed... I picked up a lot of nasty habbits since then. Before then i was a much happier person and a lot less judgmental but a bit naive. An over simplified statement is that I was a better person than I became.
I don't care to dwell on how I fell down a path that lead me to be so depressed and down trodden... not yet anyway. Cause I'm on a path of recovery currently. I'm more interested in thinking of the sort've person I was back then and how people reacted to me so favorably and how I reacted to the world much more peacefully. I want to focus on this to set goals and such, basically I want to be like that again. Step one was to quit smoking which I have done so far.
The effects of no longer smoking are that I'm a lot happier. Scientifically I'm not properly testing to know if this happiness is just because I no longer smoke or the sense of accomplishment I feel from quitting. But I don't care enough to try and figure out how to test those things [and to do it unbiased would be a bitch anyway] let alone test them cause it would mean I'd have to smoke again and fuck that. I'm happy.
I do care for the scientific method and structuring information more accurately than before. Mostly cause I don't care much for disinformation or really vague nonsense.
One thing I'm going to try to do in this journal is not give bullshit vague advise [which a lot of people do on this forum and in the real world] e.g. You can't love anyone until you love yourself first. That statement is horseshit for plenty of reasons and often not very useful to the person that hears it. If I were to guess I'd say it's of more value to the person saying it than the person hearing it... but I'm not going to test that. Just making a hypothesis that given that it's shitty advise it's only going to benefit the adviser with some form of accomplishment for saying it and feeling helpful or wise for saying it.
I would like to offer alternates to statements like that. If you're not happy and don't show that you're happy people assume that you're self loathing as well [which in my case was never true]. Also moods tend to transfer and someone who's depressed is more likely to make others feel depressed than feel happy or good and are thus less desired. So cheer the fuck up and be happy [and yeah, that's not as easy as it sounds... ].
Being happy isn't easy. But getting what you want out of life isn't always a walk in the park. Forming habits that cause happiness will make being happy easy over time. Once they become what you're used to and you no longer think about it and just do it it'll be easy. But in the start it's most likely not going to be an easy task.
I really just wanted to start this newer journal and don't have anything I feel like sharing at the... Okay... here's how my day went.
Monique had went home last night...
This morning I woke up and thought about how she was really depressed. I also wondered about if she's really into me or not and started to feel a little down thinking about this. I stopped myself and decided to be realistic about things and figured that she may or may not be into me but she's given me no signs to clarify either and worrying about it isn't going to help. It shouldn't matter if she is or isn't my happiness should be independent of if she's spending time with me, likes me, or is fucking me. So I stopped and thought about how I fucked her the night before.
I was feeling a bit nervous and came early and went downstairs to get another beer. The next day she said it was okay cause she's not going to get off anyway if she's that drunk. She only said this after I mentioned it. That night after I'd gone down stairs I realized there was no point in worrying about it but I should figure out how to last longer. So that became a goal to solve a problem instead of worry and be upset about for no reason.
While she was over she said she felt depressed and was out of it. I thought about what we talked about and realized that from what I've learned recently about conversation that there are a lot of invitations and not a lot of inspirations in our conversations.
SIDE NOTE: An invitation is a question essentially. e.g. "How was your day?" is an invitation. Not all invitations are created equal. If you ask yes or no questions the conversation dies very quickly. If you keep doing all the invites it's obnoxious.
An inspiration is something that inspires someone to talk without being asked or invited to talk. Such as telling a story or making a comment on what someone said.
I realized the conversations were not the best conversations and felt it was mostly because I did less inspirations and a few times asked really stupid questions and was self centered in the conversation. So I just went with the flow and figured I'd read up on how to have better conversations later.
She's rather depressed and was talking about suicide at some point. I made it a goal to leave a stronger impression on her and cheer her up. I decided that in order to make those around me happy I need to make myself happy. As happy as I can possibly make myself. I started to formulate plans for this when she was mentioning that.
I stopped to wonder why I like her. I need to be able to express in words what about her I like other than having sex with her. Something that reflects who she is as a person. I realized I don't have anything to express yet other than I love her taste in movies and the way she talks. I need to dig deeper.
I realize I'm not that connected with my girlfriend and stopped to wonder about it and how we met in the first place. I'll write about that next time. Right now I'm going to cook food and do my homework.
Before I go I'm writing 3 things I'm happy about.
1. The play station 3 in the house
2. www.ninsheetm.us A video game sheet music site & the piano in the house
3. Headphones and an mp3 player [speaking of I have decided to download a new song everyday. At least one song a day]
Current Mood rating on a scale of 0-10 0 being suicidally depressed and 10 rolling on... Um... Being happy while you hang out with your good friend molly
I'll go with 7.5 I'm optimistic about life
_________________ I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12
I've been putting off writing cause I felt a bit stressed recently. I don't wish to dwell on what's stressing me out in a journal where I write about the events in my life... I don't mind recapping it if it's constructive... but I'm not so sure I'm even going to do that at the moment.
So... why'd I'd come here to write... OH.
I've actually been a bit stressed cause I'm having communication problems with my girlfriend and she's depressed and suicidal... fuckin... Anyway. Since I'm not the best communicator in the world and really don't know how to get her to open up I decided to fix that problem. And the site I discovered was www.improveyoursocialskills.com . At the moment I have a check list of questions I'm going to answer to help give me a better foundation and keep me on track with my progress. So here goes that. Convenient it's near the beginning of this journal as well... easy to get back to.
Where are you?
- What are your social strengths? Social strengths are the positive elements you bring to relationships and social interactions. They can be social skills, but they don’t have to be. Being loyal to your friends or having a genuine desire to get to know others both count as social strengths, even if they might not be social skills.
I am extremely loyal, I care about everyone, I want to get to know everyone, I understand body language fairly well, I understand basic psychology.
-Think about the best relationships in your life. These might be current relationships, or relationships from your past. What were those relationships like? What made those relationships so good? How did those relationships affect your life?
Eric Howell, my friend from forever ago. We talked about anything anytime... He told jokes and I told jokes and we did random stuff it was easy to talk to him. I never thought about what I said so much as I just said it. I rarely felt down or depressed when hanging out with Eric either and the few times I did it was in the back of my mind about something else while I was having fun. Not sure how it effected me life. It gave me good memories and I often compare other friends and people to the friendship I had with Eric and his family. My family was cold and judgmental and made me feel like shit. His family had their squabbles and fights but never berated each other to a point where it seemed degrading or as if they took it too far. It was things like he didn't do his chores or he was out too late and his mom scolded him for it or grounded him but that was the extent of it rather than my family where they constantly brought it up and road you back with every mistake you made.
I guess being around them made me feel happy and loved and that this is what a family should be like and if I ever have kids or get married or start a relationship I should act like that. We can disagree and have problems but never take things too far and never strike where it hurts. If it's a sensitive area don't be an asshole like my family.
-How have you tried to improve your social skills in the past? Have those methods been successful? If so, what made them successful? If not, what would help you be more successful this time around?
There is a long list of things I have tried in the past starting around age 19. Pick up was the first one. I successfully rid myself of most approach anxiety but in returned gained a lot of anxiety and insecurities about how people perceive me. It was successful when I was organized and followed it but became unsuccessful when I succumbed to depression and fear and basically had disorganized scrambled thoughts. What made that successful was a structured guideline for what to say and what not to say and understanding what is and isn't being said in communication also learning about kino.
It would be more successful if I laid out goals for socializing and a more structured path to follow to keep myself organized. Less "falling off the wagon" will also help.
MBTI was another attempt to learn better social skills. It also initially was helpful but failed because it became a crutch and an obsession. If I use it as a tool and don't rely on it it will be more useful.
Body language has helped because now I can tell more easily if someone does or doesn't want to talk to me and if they're listening to what I'm saying or not. However I need to stop focusing negatively when someone has body language that shows they're not interested. I tend to feel hopeless cause I can't figure out how to change, I need to not worry about it.
Over all I need to be more organized and focus less on negative aspects when I'm not actively thinking of ways to change those aspects. One thought is that I think of how I used to be when I was younger. If I had a problem I just focused on how to solve it until it was solved and took a few breaks from it when it got frustrating but persisted till I solved the problem.
What are the current gaps in your social skills knowledge? What are the elements of social interaction that you don’t understand, or that you struggle to do successfully?
How to have a conversation and keep it going. How to get to know someone. How to initiate a conversation with a stranger, specifially female, and get to know her and win her over. I don't understand what to say initially on a dating site to get a response. I don't understand how to initiate a conversation with a stranger that's not simply small talk. I don't know how to get someone to feel connected to me or how to feel connected to them.
I don't know how to bring up sex without coming off as a pervert. I don't understand what women want or what turns them on.
Why did you decide to start reading Improve Your Social Skills?
I have trouble keeping the conversation going with my girlfriend who I'm not even sure is my girlfriend or just some girl I fuck about once a week that I like. I wanted to connect better with her and was frustrated I wasn't so I looked for something to improve my conversational skills and found that site.
Where are you going?
-What are the practical areas of social skills that you want to improve? Practical skills are the nuts-and-bolts of social interaction. It’s stuff like making conversations flow smoothly, understanding how other people are feeling, and avoiding needless conflict.
Avoiding needless conflicts. Standing up for myself without going too far over the line, a healthy balance. Initiating conversations with girls and seducing them or winning them over and having sex with them. Conveying what i want to say without being misunderstood. Asking the right questions to get to know someone better.
What are your “short term” goals for social skills? Some examples might be making a new friend, having a fun time at a social event, or deepening your relationship with a specific friend. These should be goals that you think you could accomplish in the next few weeks or months.
Deepening my connection with Monique, being more social and understanding at school. Having more fun at a social event sounds great too.
What are your long term goals for social skills? Some examples might be having someone you consider a close friend or feeling completely comfortable in social situations.
Feeling completely comfortable in any social situation and having no more social anxiety, the main cause of depression in my life. having a close friend and a lot of friends. Going to parties on a regular basis. Having a regular sex life where I don't worry about when I'll have sex next and fucking a girl the same night I meet her is something normal. Another long term goal is one I used with drawing. to not care if I give away my drawings or my artwork is lost because I can just draw up another picture. When i war relearning to draw I used to do this, just pass out my drawings so I wasn't relying on old drawings to make me feel happy and confident about how well I'd drawn those pictures. I wanted to be to a point where I didn't need them cause i could just draw a new picture.
Who are the people who can accompany you on your social skills journey? These might be friends, family or mentors who can encourage you, act as a sounding board, and provide a safe place to practice your social skills.
hahaha.... I don't trust anyone, my family is horribly.... I'd rather not answer this question. For encouragement I guess I have the members of this forum. I just don't have anyone to tell me how well I'm doing really since I know no one I see in person who can help... I mean I think Monique might try to help if i ask her... I guess I should ask her. I just asked her and explained it...
What is your motivation for embarking on this journey of social skills improvement? How can you help yourself stay motivated, even when the journey becomes hard?
One of my main motivations is that I want to be happy and I know one of the things that causes me to feel depressed is a lack of social skills. It's frustrating and making it so I feel comfortable in any social situation will certainly take away that cause for depression. That and I want the pride of knowing I worked hard to accomplish something and accomplished it [which is one of the things that keeps me from smoking again, I like the pride in saying I resist the temptation to relapse]. Really I want to be happy and socially comfortable. I don't ever want to feel lonely cause I'm in a crowd of people.
_________________ I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12
If you've read my other Journal "The life of chime" it's no secret I suffer from depression. In recent times I've done a lot to keep myself happy and it's a lot of work to maintain this [it gets easier over time]. I feel this message board doesn't have enough awareness on depression and that depression and those seeking advice on dating and pick-up would show very strong results in a correlation study... but I'm not going to run that experiment [I don't think it would be very purposeful and I don't want to waste time doing it. Plus I'm not sure how accurate I could make my findings].
So, here's a list of things you should and should not say to someone suffering from depression while they're depressed [yes, I said that right. People who suffer from depression periodically feel depressed and aren't depressed all the time. But they're usually depressed more often than not].
What do you say to someone who’s depressed? All too often, it’s the wrong thing.
“People still have such a cloudy idea of what mental illness is,” says Kathleen Brannon, of Herndon, Va.
“Sometimes people will say, ‘Oh, you’re depressed? Yeah, I’ve been depressed,’ and you realize just the way they say it that, nooo, it’s not quite the same thing. It’s not just that I’m feeling sad or blue.”
Below is a list of helpful things to tell someone battling depression, followed by what not to say, courtesy of the Depression Alliance.
What to say:
-You’re not alone in this.
-You're important to me.
-Do you want a hug.
-You are not going crazy.
-We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.
-When all this is over, I'll still be here and so will you.
-I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.
-I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.
-I love you. (Say this only if you mean it.)
-I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me.
What NOT to say:
-There’s always someone worse off than you are.
-No one ever said life was fair.
-Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
-So you're depressed. Aren't you always?
-Try not to be so depressed.
-It's your own fault.
-Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.
-I think your depression is a way of punishing us.
-Haven’t you grown tired of all this “me, me, me” stuff yet?
-Have you tried chamomile tea?
Speaking from personal experience this is an extremely accurate list. The NOT section often gives you the impression the person saying those things is extremely ignorant on the subject of depression and mental disorders and doesn't care much for you. Also they're basically kicking you while you're down when they say this.
_________________ I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12
A stumble and a fall and I pick myself up and walk again.
So, Friday started off really great. Exceptionally well and then I had a panic attack and broke down and fell into a pit of depression... but all was not lost.
I got my mask.... speaking of it, here's a picture of said mask.
The hot short chick is wearing my mask... Anyway back to how my night went.
I bring the mask with me because I'm trying to advertise that I make custom ceramic masks and sell them bitches. MONEY!!! I got pretty good exposure actually.
First I stop at a bar and there's these two hot chicks on either side of them empty seats. I ask if anyone's sitting there and they point me to the seat next to the hot blonde chick. I sit down and place the mask on the counter and instantly she's asking about it [fucking awesome way to peacock!!! Something I actually give a shit about and a great way to start a convo]. I tell her about it and get her to look up the picture below on her phone.
She says I did pretty good. I had mentioned it was just a rush job and I wish I spent more time on it. Then I asked what she does and she's telling me she does... um... I forgot. Some sorta city regional planning shit to help counties use each others resources and be more productive and offer better jobs and shit and that she's trying to do this for Detroit to help it get back on track [really there are a lot of people in this city that're working really hard to get it back on it's feet.]. While she's explaining all of this she thinks she's boring me. She's not. I was asking questions here and there and occasionally tossing in inspirations... oh... let me rewind a bit.
www.improveyoursocialskills.com
Go look at how a conversation works according to this site. Inspirations are saying something that inspires someone to talk. Like if your buddy said "I fucked the shit out of a pornstar last night!!!" and comes off as if he's not lying. He hasn't asked you anything at all but you're likely to say something in response to this. An invitation is inviting someone to speak by asking a question. It even mentions there are bad invitations like questions that have one word answers... anyway...
I'm talking to her and doing the inspiration and invitation thing. While she's explaining the finer details of regional... sigh I can't remember it. One of my inspirations after she thought I was boring her was mentioning that I actually enjoy things like this and it seems a lot like sim city in real life. I didn't ask any questions I just kinda said something that got her to respond. And she says she played the sims first and that it came out before sim city. I told her she was wrong and sim city definitely came out way before the sims. So she thinks I'm really young, haha. She looks it up and finds out that sim city was actually the first game in the sim series [sim city, sim tower, sim ant, sims, etc..]. Also it was released I think over a decade before the sims... anyway not the point.
She doesn't believe I'm 30. I mean I look half my age. She asks to see my ID and I decided to make a bet on this. If I'm 30 she buys me a shot if not I buy her one. She agrees and buys me a shot.
Somewhere in here I mentioned I was going to city club and she's like "OH you're trying to get laid. I'm waiting on a guy to come here myself." Well, I sure didn't let that stop me. I asked if I could get her phone number and if she'd like to hang out sometime. I mentioned somewhere in there I'd love to take her home and all that but I'd rather try my luck starting a relationship if I could and she agreed and then I was done with my beer and off to the club and she and her friend kinda sorta cheered for me to get laid as I left [a little weird but whatever].
And on my way I ended up at a party. I snuck in that bitch too.
While at the party I got a bit too trashed and started breaking down and saying stupid shit and letting my emotions run me sorta deal. But I made out with a smoking hot french chick.
Then she was making out with someone else.... it's kinda a hazy fog but somewhere in there I fucked up and send a depressing drunk text to Sara the girl from the bar... But I didn't completely fuck that up. She understood not everyone's perfect and people have issues. She was very understanding about it . Sounds like a keeper to me.
Anyway the short chick wearing the mask I was talking to and she strongly insinuated that she's not happy with ehr boyfriend... and she added me on facebook and gave me her number.
All I did was smile and talk to her and ask questions to get to know her sorta deal. Then toss out an honest compliment.
I'd go into further detail but I just don't wanna think too much about how down I got that night. Kinda wanna just press on and be happy.
_________________ I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12
Sunday.... sigh.... I guess I shouldn't complain though.
So I get showered up and dressed and blah blah blah and wonder off. I make it to a bar about 4:00 in Downtown Detroit [the nice part of detroit... well midtown is also nice]. There's a girl outside smoking a cigarette and I chat with her for a bit while I finish mine. She's cute but she's also pretty old and I'm not that interested. She's also not very interesting to talk to.... sigh... Still it's alright she was nice. And I figure I just didn't get to the interesting part of her.
Then while inside the bartender was pretty hot and I felt like she was hitting on me but I really wasn't into her and there weren't any chicks around that weren't sitting with dudes. Well there were two in the back of the bar sitting by themselves but I wasn't trying to go down that road. Kinda doing the path of least resistance at the moment. And they weren't that hot to begin with so I opted out of that idea. I'd already decided I was going to go somewhere else the land wasn't exactly dry but the crops weren't what I wished for and this isn't the only field.
I politely chat with the bartender, who was actually really hot just not what I'm into... And she seemed really interested in me and the stories I told and how I was drawing in my sketchbook and trying to start up my own business.
Then my beer was finished and I was going to leave cause no chicks I'm interested in and I didn't have the kinda money someone needs to purchase $5 beers consistently. Especially at the rate I drink. But not before leaving my Resume' which the manager seemed excited about.
Off I go while listening to Demetori on my head phones [great music to have while you wander alone. Also keeps me in a good mood].
I stop at American Coney Island [which was actually featured on the Detroit episode of Man vs Food as one of the places he stops in to eat, not the food challenge]. While there I order a Coney dog [pretty good stuff really]. But the server is taking forever to give me my check to I go up to the counter and ask if that's where I pay and the cute but slightly overweight and still fuckable girl behind the counter says yeah. I ask how her days going and she says "meh... bored at work but a new episode of walking dead comes on tonight." Easy enough answer. I say I used to watch it but I love the comic book more however some things about the show I find interesting like how Rick still has his hand. She says she likes the show cause it deviates from the comics and we both agree that it makes no goddamn sense in the Show why Michone [or however you spell her name] wants to go fuck up the governor so bad.
I mention that they most likely didn't have her raped like she did in the comic book because when that happened in the comic people were pissed off because the author "Took the only strong black woman in the comic and had her horribly raped because of some sick racist fetish." That and people were probably thinking of slavery times when often a black woman was raped by the master and this was seen as normal and law stated that a slave can't be raped cause they aren't human and blah blah blah fucked up shit. But the Author just wasn't thinking of all of this at the time and these fans were really just flipping out, in my opinion, out of an emotional outburst rather than thinking logically about the situation. Like they feel so hurt because they think of racism and slavery and shit and then don't think much before they respond... The author had fucked up shit happen to pretty much every character on a very consistent basis.
So in the show she never gets horribly raped and doesn't really have much motivation at all to go and fuck up the governor like she did in the comics and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense why she would.... ha, I'm rambling.
But me and her were talking about that and then I ask if she's into Zelda and she smiles and says yes. So I show her my Majora's mask and she thinks it's awesome and gives me her phone number and says we have to hang out sometime. And that's when I think it's a wonderful idea to drop off my Resume'. She's trying to convince the manager to hire me when I give it to him. fun... Too bad she's kinda fat... I guess I'm being superficial cause she's pretty cool just a little fat.... sigh....
And off I go. I make it to Comet bar where i chill and drink. Only whatsherface, the older lady, is working and there aren't any hot chicks or chicks at all other than her. Meh. I'm watching the fast in the furious with this dude next to me at the bar and we're making comments about the ridiculous nonsense that's going on in the movie. This older guy in the bar is telling fun stories. I ask whatsherface if I can bum a smoke and she mentions someone left a pack at the bar and gives it to me. Time passes and we're all just bullshittin' having fun [it's a pretty cool bar in my opinion... usually not a lot of chicks though].
Then this guy comes in with two hot chicks and Dan comes into work [Dan's pretty cool]. Whatsherface is sitting at the end of the bar by the two hot chicks. I introduced myself to them and the guy they're with when they came in and then after that just kinda stuck next to the dude I was watching the fast and the furious with. He leaves and whatsherface leaves also.
So I get up and sit next to the hot chick with blonde hair. And.... sigh.... this is where things start to suck but are fucking awesome as well. I'm still just doing the whole conversation shit from www.improveyoursocialskills.com [really that shit goes a long way and this is what I've done all through out the day]. This girl is interested in a lot of really weird stuff and thinks I'll be weirded out... no i'm just more interested cause I'm weird and like weird stuff. She draws an awesome picture in my sketchbook. I told her about my old one and how it had over 100 different artist of varying skill levels within it and it's like a journal to me because I always remember when a drawing was done and what was going on during that time. But the old one was stolen [well my backpack was and it had the old one in it].
She draws a sasquatch and it's pretty awesome. i ask what it's from and she says she just made it up which is even more awesome. We end up talking about super nintendo [she apparently collects games for SNES], 90's cartoon shows, this book she gives me with art by the guy the movie little nemo was inspired by. I mention that the game little nemo for NES had the same sprite designer as in Megaman for NES and she stops and thinks about it and says that yes the sprites in that game do look like megaman kinda.
We talk and the conversation is easy and she keeps talking about stuff I love. I ask if she's single and smile at her and she says yes then mentions that she works about 80 hours a week.... sigh.... Somewhere in this conversation I'd given her my number and she gave me hers. After I asked if she was single she says she thinks I'm cute and interesting she's just busy all the time. I tell her every other thing she says makes her more interesting to me [which is actually true].
Then she's got to go... I awkwardly and shyly asked if I could have a kiss... sigh... that didn't work out but nothing to lose sleep over. She did smile when I asked and blushed a little. She had given me this book with art from the guy who did the little nemo movie... well the movie was stronly inspired by his art. I said I just wanted to borrow it so then I'd have to return it and we'd see each other again and she said not to be silly and that she'd love to see me again anyway and I could have the book. .... sigh....
Meet the most awesome girl ever, and she's fucking hot as shit, but she's always busy.... Shit happens.
So I keep going and end up in another bar. Where one of my favorite bartenders, larry, is workin'. Also.... Dan the bartender from Comet gave me a... uh.... "cigarette" of the herbal varie.... Anyway when I'm at the next bar I'm not all there. Me and larry chill and chat for a bit and there are no chicks. I stop and lament for a bit that I met the most perfect chick for me, but she's always busy and sigh and he says there are other girls and I say he's got a point and drink a beer.
This bar that I'm at is actually a gay bar.. sorta. I mean girls come in and out who aren't gay. But also lots of gay guys come in. In fact Larry is gay. Anyway this guy is hitting on me and buying me drinks [that I'm not asking for at all]. I keep dropping subtle hints that I'm straight. And me and larry are making horrible jokes back and forth. The guy keeps trying to impress me by showing me his wonderful property and pictures of his "friend" who's actually a very good lookin guy and all that, but what do I care I like vagina. He asks if I know where the eastern market is and I say "isn't it on the west side of the city? no wait, gotta be north... or maybe southern detroit." and he doesn't know I'm being a sarcastic asshole... which I tend to be in that state of mind. And Larry's sighing like "did you just show him your property. he's showing you the lake isn't he." and i'm laughing and saying yeah.... So then Larry asks if I wanna play pool and we play a game.
Ah, the subtle sarcasm that was said I wish I could remember cause that shit was fucking hilarious. Then my dad picks me up and I go home.
I sent a text to Kayla, the chick from American Coney island and haven't heard from her yet.... oh the fuck well. I feel I should text the hot blond that works 80 hours a week... I think I did... I don't remember. I'll text her when I'm checking out the book and mention what I think of it.... sigh.... I could see myself falling for her so fast and hard.... oh well, gotta keep it moving and talk to other girls.
Speaking of. I guess I'll go fuck around on wayne state campus today cause I don't wanna spend money but I wanna talk to chicks... that and I wanan play smash brothers and do the break dancing shit.
_________________ I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12
Okay... been a while since I wrote in here but here's a few stories. Lot's of fails that could've been more and a lot of success. This is how this works though, you fuck up a lot and then you fuck up some more and then you learn and next time you don't fuck up like that.
I feel I need to share this in other places though but here's what I got.
I was out and about sharing my resume' and went to a hotdog place downtown detroit. While I'm in there I see a cute girl at the register. I eat my hotdog and go pay at the register and say "How's your day going" Take notes on this opener, the DQ and time restraints. It's so fucking elaborate. Also let me fill you in on some peacocking for that day. I was wearing blue jeans... old blue jeans that were faded and had holes in them, I specifically picked them off the floor that morning cause they looked the cleanest and didn't smell. I had on a gray hoodie and my winter coat and I was even sportin' gloves. Ah yeah, peacocking to the extreme. Don't forget my tan backpack I had. I know I know, this is all so complicated but you'll get it with time.
After I send my super canned line "How's your day going?" Seriously this took a while to get comfortable saying but I believe in ya. She says "I'm at work but after I'm about to watch my favorite show." I say "What show is that?" and she says "The walking dead." Sarcasm aside this is where I actually did something out of the ordinary that mattered and it wasn't really that far off. I really just displayed that I'm knowledgeable about the show.... if I wasn't I might've asked what it was about [which might seem weird since it's a very popular show... given that chances are everyone has heard of it I'd say I'd heard of it and asked what it was like or something] I say "Oh, I like the comic book better but the show's pretty good too. I'm not caught up on it." And her eyes light up and we start talking about the show and then I figured a girl [correction person] that is interested in a show about zombies is probably a bit interested in video games as well and I toss out there "Are you into video games, like Zelda." She says "I love Zelda" and I had been making ceramic masks. One of them is from zelda so I show her the mask I made [i happened to have it with me but even if i didn't I have pictures of it. here what I'd recommend is that you have a life and hobbies and such that you can share 1. cause hobbies are fun 2. cause hobbies are fun 3. cause hobbies are fun 4. cause they make you more interesting. I play piano and I could've talked about that, I write I could've talked about that, etc. etc. etc..].
She loves the mask and tells me how she paints and draws and such and then asks me for my number. we exchange numbers.
But later I got drunk as shit and fell into a pit of depression and texted some dumb shit, don't do that. Other than that it was going well and I was probably gonna fuck it.
Moving on.
Another girl I meet at a night club while in the smoking room. I just looked at her and said "hey, how're you." I wasn't even smiling but sorta was and she said "I'm fine how are you?" I said "uh... kinda feeling a bit down and having a bit of a panic attack. I thought you were cute so I figured I'd get to know you." I smiled a bit more than and she said "Well you seem pretty sweet, sorry to hear you're feeling down..." I say "I'll deal with it *smile* What do you like to do for fun?" and she tells me she likes to draw and paint and dance. so I ask if she's like to dance and for her phone number. She gives me her phone number and we walk towards the dance floor and before we start to dance her friend, that knows me from somewhere else and hates me, steps inbetween us and whispers in her ear and we never dance. When she's on the floor dancing I go up to dance with her but her friend keeps cock blocking so I leave.
As I'm leaving I made the same mistake as last time... the stupid depressing message... don't do that. It was less depressing this time though [been working on that]. She seemed otherwise interested.
So later at a few bars a few girls I simply say "hey I think you're cute so I figured I'd get to know you." followed by asking about them and this leads to me getting thier number. Really after saying that line I just ask what they like to do and go from there.
Then I posted an add on craigslist looking to run a train on a girl and treat her like a slut... 7 girls responded wanting this. I already met up with one and got me and my friends laid.
Tuesday at the bar I just said the "hey i think you're cute and wanna get to know you" line to a girl and we chatted she gave me her number and then drove me and my friend to his house. We made out on his couch while he played music. I put my hand down her shirt and she said we should do this at my place. So we go to my place and make out some more and she said she couldn't come in and gave me cigarettes and left cause she had to work and now she's coming over later today. I did text her saying i wanted to fuck her and she still made out and gave me a ride home and all that.
Another girl I saw on my friends facebook. I sent a message to her that said "hey, what's up?" and she responded two days later saying "sup?" I didn't remember her and said "not much, who are you?" Then I looked at her page and said "Oh, nevermind you're a girl I saw on my friends page and thought was cute so I figured I'd get to know you." She said "lol, I get that a lot which is why I said "sup" ". I noticed anime pictures on her page and said "What kind of anime are you into?" and she tells me and we end up talking about anime and video games and I end up rambling on about zone of the enders 2 cause she hasn't played it and stop myself and say "sorry I was rambling there" and she responds "It's cool I'm attracted to guys who know a lot about video games and anime I'm a nerd for them." So we make plans to play GTA V online together and soul calibur [didn't make any plans to meet up yet cause I feel I should pace this and see if she's more interested first].
We spent all night talking about the technicalities of soul calibur. We both fucking hated Night terror. i tell her he's responsible for at least 3 broken ps2 controllers in my old place and she said lol and tells me how he's a dirty fucking bastard. This girl is the hottest out of them all...
Really all I've been doing is saying I think a girls cute and wanna get to know her and then getting to know her like I would anyone else. I only fuck up when I get depressed [which I haven't recently... been pretty good on keeping that shit at bay] or get too sexual too soon [and even then I don't fuck things up].
_________________ I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12
They are often a focal point of frustrations with-in my life but I don't hate them. Still I would like to rant about male rights being overly neglected and often misrepresented to a point where we don't exactly have a strong support network like feminism and whenever we try to build one, in recent times, we're labeled misogynists.
First off I really don't hate women and this sure as hell isn't a knock on women nor is it meant to degrade or show how they're inferior. But here's a few things that piss me the fuck off that I can do very little about.
I've been seeking out work recently. Not the kind where you have a college degree but the kind of work where you have a high school diploma and you're in college trying to get a degree. I walked passed the strip club without much thought... Didn't even think of the place as somewhere to get a job and it didn't bother me, at the time, either.
I went into a bar and applied for a job and was told by the manager that I wasn't going to be hired because all their bartenders are girls, there is no kitchen, and the barbacks also double as bouncers and I'm of too small a frame. I needed to either have tits or be some muscle bound guy at 6'2". This was irritating since I want a job to put food on my table and help me through school, but I continue on.
I see a help wanted sign on a door and I walk inside and turn in my Resume' when I'm told they're just hiring waitresses. I mention that I have more than 7 years experience as a server in a restaurant and I am told they only hire female servers. They don't let guys serve tables just girls and all the jobs for men were taken [which included dishwasher and cook and other jobs where you get dirty and messy and lift heavy objects].
This has happened a number of times and it pisses me the fuck off. Mostly cause there's very little I can do about it. There's no one to stand of for me or anyone else when I can't find a job or am turned away from one because I have a penis. Nope, because they would quickly be labeled misogynists if they stood up for us.
Also when I worked at Home Depot I was being paid the same amount as my female co-workers. But I was expected to lift heavy bricks, bags of dirt, bags of mulch, fences, tiles, and other things my back didn't particularly agree with and load them onto a customers cart and even into their car. But while I was expected to do all of this the women were not. And while customers often offers tips I was not allowed to take them, if I were caught I'd get fired. So for the same pay I put my back in jeopardy and did more work. My back was always sore after work. I was mocked and laughed at one day when the manager asks who wanted to water the flowers and I volunteered since if I was watering flowers I wouldn't be fucking up my back. He said "Nick, that's a girls job." and laughed and one of my female co-workers mockingly said "You a female now, hahaha, you silly" as she volunteered and got to casually stroll without risk to her back or body watering flowers getting PAID THE SAME AS ME TO DO LESS WORK.
No one seems to give a shit about that issue.
This is my life and what I go through. I have yet to see any instance where I got paid more than a girl to do the same shit she did but multiple times I've seen women get paid the same as me to do less and getting paid more to do the same. Such as at TGI Fridays I started off at $4.50 and tips to be a busser and a host. 2 years in I'm making $5.50 and tips to be a busser and a host and a new girl, very pretty, shows up and is hired in at $6.00 plus tips. She's never worked in a restaurant before and her previous job was McDonalds for 4 months. Why she was getting paid more than me I don't know, but I'm left to assume it had something to do with her being attractive.
And really, growing up we moved from house to house quite often. I remember being 7 and having to move a heavy dresser with my 8 year old brother while my 10 year old [and much larger, taller, and stronger] sister sat around with my mother [a full grown adult] cause they were women and "it wouldn't be right to have them life when there were strong men around." This persisted until probably the last two times we moved while my family was still together. My sister had a rather larger dresser that she'd picked out and wanted. When it came time to move to another house I was 14 or so at the time and her 17. My dad told me and my 15 year old brother to move the dresser and I said "No, she picked it out and HAD to pick out one that's heavy so she can move it herself." He said I'd be grounded if I didn't I said "I don't care. I'm moving MY STUFF not her stuff, not mom's stuff, not anyone's stuff. Just MY STUFF that I picked out and specifically picked light easy to move things so I wouldn't have to strain the next time we moved to a new house. Everyone else can deal with their own stuff.... especially those who never do any lifting or helping when we move like Celia and Mom."
I was grounded for a few weeks and punished for standing up for my rights and wanting fairness and equality. Within my family despite being told we need to do all the heavy lifting as men we were also told we need to be respectful of women and that they're equal with was a big fat serving of hypocrisy. If they were equal then why do we have to do all the lifting?
Anyway this has been bugging me and I wanted to get that off my chest. Cause seriously, what the fuck? There's no one who gives a shit about what happens to men.
_________________ I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12
So, let's look at this for a second.
I was dating Monique. She was a hot chick, a stripper actually, and she'd come over fuck me, buy me beer, fuck me some more, suck my dick, watch movies with me and hang out and talk about life, then spend the night. But she was really busy and I started getting really frustrated and upset I didn't hear from her enough... And eventually drove her away with my insecurities.
Later her friend was about to come over and fuck me... but she said maybe and didn't confirm it and in the past I've seen that maybe in said context usually means yes. I freaked out cause i was upset and depressed and then she decided not to fuck me or come over...
girl from a bar.... same shit.
Girl from anime con [hot one too] same shit
over and over I keep meeting pretty much guarantee's but fuck it up with insecurity and depression everytime. And I let the rejections get to me too much.
I don't have problems with girls. I have problems with the past and fear and such. All or most of the problems I had with girls I fixed... I just don't know how to get past this post traumatic stress thing and the fear and anxiety.
Last night I could've fucked this girl... granted the first mistake I made was not initiated soon enough... Still even though I went home and was going to go back I could've fucked her but then I flipped out and broke down and still I could've fucked her but I pushed her away. I said I needed to just move on and forget about her.
All while it was going on I was running in my head "FOCUS... don't fuck up.... concentrate. patience.... c'mon man..." and I screwed up anyway. And bitches don't give a fuck if you've had past trauma you haven't worked out yet.... fuck them for that.
So... This is what needs to be fixed... I'm just not sure how. Cause if I didn't have this issue right now I'd have about 4 fuck buddies while in an open relationship with a stripper.
On another note this other chick I just don't want to fuck her so I stopped talking to her.
_________________ I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12
I gave up on people, well on making them my focus. I played more piano. I worked out. I focused on my hula hoop. I just did things I love to do until one night I decided I wanted to go to this club, the works, that plays electronic dance music and hula hoop. I figured friday was the best day to go since there'd be less people and therefor more room to do tricks and such.
I was enjoying myself and didn't even want to drink, which was good.
While there some girl grabbed my hoop and started doing tricks with it, she wasn't that good... sigh... She asked me to show her what i could do and was amazed. She was rolling on molly and I found her friends for her. Then we hung out for a while, danced, exchanged numbers and eventually were making out and then i went home.
about a week or so later she came over. We watched a movie and chatted for a while and made out a bit. I for some reason wanted to wait for the right time before trying to fuck her... she's kinda hot and i really wanted to bang her and all, just wanted it to be at a more ideal time i guess. So i didn't bother trying.
But since I've been drinking this drink and focusing on happy things a lot more people want to talk to me.
_________________ I feel like the point of a community is to help where/when/however u can.
-Aceospades12
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sigh.... Somewhere in this conversation I'd given her my number and she gave me hers. After I asked if she was single she says she thinks I'm cute and interesting she's just busy all the time. I tell her every other thing she says makes her more interesting to me [which is actually true].