The "Onion Theory" has been tossed around the forums on occasion, and I have used it in several writings myself. Since it's inception, there has yet to be a formal explanation. I am finally revealing it
An onion has a flaky exterior skin. After that, there is a tough outer shell. Once past those two parts, you get to the primary layers. Beneath each layer, lies another layer, and another layer. After you peel back enough, you reach the onion center - its bulb.
We are much like onions. We have a flaky exterior skin, a tough outer shell, then many layers to us. Way deep down, the stinkiest part (;)) is our core - the bulb.
When interacting socially (whether it be a person you are trying to escalate with, or someone you have reached a point you want to take beyond the steps PUA can teach you) this onion theory can be applied. Apply your personality image through layers. Apply your emotions through layers. And finally, apply your emotional investment and calibration through layers. Sounds fairly simple, right? It is.
If you open yourself up (personality, emotions, etc) little by little, and control that frame, then you can take the person along with you. The best part is, you are not dragging them, you are merely guiding them. Until you get to the core, you have full control of where you place them in your onion, and have complete understanding of where they place you.
Layers. Give them bits, have them give you bits. You keep peeling through until you reach a point you want to stop, or until you reach the bulb. If you follow this theory, there should never be an emotional placement misunderstanding, and you will never be in the position of: "oh, I love you, why don't you love me?"
The onion theory in action -- Using the onion for personality:
If you run around with your entire self exposed, you are leaving people with only a "love me" or "Leave me" option. They have two choices: like you, or not. If you present yourself in layers (not just your personality, but also your emotions and emotional investment), then you won't be so expressive and opinionated. You won't be forcing them to make an instant decision. You are warming them up to you.
Lets take ME as an example. Because when am I not a perfect example? Wink
I am a ska-punk with activist motives and a real idealistic point of view. I am an extreme environmentalist, and I despise a lot about our society. Now if I were to run around and act like that, do you think I would be getting any play from ANYONE (besides other punks)? I'll tell you right now....no. Because I used to be like that. Before I went recluse, I was a total extroverted punk. Not only could I not convince anyone of my point of views, but I couldn't attract a damn girl - even though I was PASSIONATE!
Now fast forward past the punk stage, past the introverted social recluse stage, to the present day. I still have those beliefs, and still have the activist inside of me....but I have realized in order to actually BE an activist and MAKE a difference, I need to be presentable so that people will listen to me. This applies not only to that, but to PUA as well. I need to be an onion. Not to hide the true me, but to give people a chance to warm up to me, and to be open to someone such as myself. You show them who you are little by little by little...and there will ALWAYS be desirable traits and characteristics to who you are. If you are at a point where you know you shouldn't peel back any more, stay there. If not, keep peeling. Thats the great thing about humans and onions. We all have many layers and only have to show as much as we want.
The morality and practice of this method, in my eyes, is much better than taking the socially robotic "method" route. Instead of making shit up, and acting ways that you aren't, you are being who you actually are. You are not making up a fake identity to trick women into liking you. You are just simply portioning your personality presentation.
The onion theory in action -- Using the onion for emotional calibration and escalation:
1.) The Peeling away of each other's layers; Escalation
It is all about observation. They will give signs - once you detect them, you interpret them and decide what to do.
Either you or her can initiate the "peeling," but I would recommend since you are not sure where she stands, that you allow her to go first. This will give you the chance to calibrate and try to push your feelings to where they need to be. Lets assume for this scenario that she does want to grow into something, and you do like her - since there would be completely different steps taken if this weren't the case.
Alright, so how to tell? Well....She will open verbally and physically.
Conversation will be more open. New discussions will be added, more thoughts and feelings will be tossed into the mix. There might even be more depth and importance to each interaction. Physical body language will be more relaxed and easy going. Sexual interactions will still be hot and heavy but they will also have more comfort to them than lust.
The good rapport will turn to great rapport as you two layer more and more. After she opens a little, you open a little. After you open a little, she will open more. So on and so on.
Stop when she stops. This way you will never be on different layers, and never have a misunderstanding. Now, If she doesn't stop, then you will have to stop (if you want to) layering when you think you have gone down enough to satisfy your emotional ideas and needs as well as hers. BE CAREFUL. - understand how many layers you have, and how deep you want to go. Remember, the deeper you go, the more vulnerable you are.
2.) The entry into each other's onion; Emotional Investment and Calibration
You can not control who you care about, what you care about, and how much you care. it is an emotion and humans are at the mercy of their emotions. We can not control them - no matter how hard we try. BUT!!! we can control how we interperet them, accept them, react to them, and express them.
So you care about someone or something. Realize these emotions. Know your exact feelings but CONTROL what you do with them and how you express them. Figure out where her emotional placement of you is, and calibrate you to be there too. If you really like her, but she put you under the third (of ten) layers...then keep her at the third layer. This way you are protected. You won't care or like her any less, but your actions and reactions will also be calibrated to the appropriate level!
to sum it up. common sense and good observational skills will allow you to figure out where you and another person stand. If you become confused and the onion model doesn't work for you? Then communicate. TALK about it. Find out where she stands. But damnit, make SURE that your actions are not out of sync with her placement of you. Figure out where you are placing each other before doing anything that will direct the course of the relationship. (i.e. trying to hold hands with a girl in public when you two are just FB's....you will for sure come off as clingy and most likely lose the FB).
CHAT
