Hi,

since October I've been in a very close relationship with a woman of my age (35years) which is developing very well, if you can tell that early into a relationship. She is, however, very jealous of my ex with which I have a good connection and whom I regularly (3x a month) see at work and which is on the same quiz team as me. Also, after 3,5 years it is quite normal that we also share the same circle of friends. This turns out to be a problem because my gf is very uncomfortable around her. I am not sure if this is normal behaviour because I never had to deal with ex-bf in a relationship and I know that she is one who "burns down all bridges" after a relationship ends. As I get invited to birthdays, weddings and even "normal activities", my ex is bound to be there, too. This irks my gf and keeps her awake at night. Usually it is one evening of drama and talk followed by a rueful morning on her side where she's angry at being so emotional etc. She explained that she fears she'll display these "flight reflexes" several times until she's fully settled. I can live with that amount of drama, which I don't let too close to me. Her feelings are something I can't control, but I'd like to know what I can do to lessen the friction.

Regards

Mono

A whiff of jealousy here and there can do wonders for a relationship, but a continual dousing will ruin it.

I would minimize the time with the ex, even if you work with her. Just be polite and brief. And even if you and the ex share the same circle of friends, there's only so much time the current girlfriend can stick around if her nose is pressed in it. Spend time with her friends.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

how do you react to her jealousy?

Somewhere between understanding and fed up.

I can understand her basic motive as I know how jealousy feels and I actually feel relieved that she talks about it rather than to let it simmer, even if she looks silly by doing so. But I also tell her, that her fears (that she will be compared to the ex, that the ex has an "home advantage" due to knowing all our mutual friends etc.) are exaggerated and that the ex most probably doesn't invest much time in thinking about us and that I definitely don't compare her to the ex (which is true, I am myself astonished how little I think about the previous relationship).

She gets moody, doesn't sleep and withdraws, "needs time on her own" etc. That's OK with me, though I think she should "man up". We're both 35, so we should have learned to cope with the fact that every bf/gf is bound to have had a history of partners and that some of them still linger in our life.

@Dr. Jones

This is what is happening. I've spent time with her friends, but I don't get a real chance to introduce her to mine as she skips the traditional opportunities to meet like a party. I get on well with my ex, but besides our work and the quiz team, which is 10x a year, we don't actively meet. I definitely try not to stick her nose into it, but I fear that her jealousy is hampering my efforts to introduce her to my friends.

10x a year is a lot. For you and me and any other guy meeting a girl, it's not, but for her to deal with...it is.

See, if you and the ex had to work together twice a year, you get that surge of jealousy which reignites things with your current lady. When it's this frequent it's almost a monthly dose of drama instead.

Something's gotta give, my friend. None of us here know your job or the girl or the specifics of your situation, but somethings' gotta give.

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"Let me ask you something. If the rule you followed brought you to this, of what use was the rule?"

Just sit her down and say cut it out.Your with her and its the ex thats most likely jealous of her and she should be comforted by that fact.After all who did you choose to be with ya know?

Update:

The situation blew up. I was over at my ex for two social events (once for watching a soccer game with her room mates and once for meeting a mutual visiting friend). During the last occasion I also met my ex's new boyfriend. I didn't care much. I later told my gf that my ex was now in a new relationship. She was very upset at me not having told her so immediately - which I can understand, but I did have my reasons (her jealousy and yes, my laziness). This lasted for a few weeks, we went on holidays hiking, and everything was great. When we returned she became jealous again and questioned me.I told her I had also about the soccer game. She went ballstics, throwing her glass to the floor and crying, sobbing and being completely devestated. She went on to tell me she couldn't handle it anymore. After some talking and holding her she calmed somewhat b ut was still not sure about continuing the relationship. She told me "what you did was not mean, but I cannot cope with it". And since she can't cope with this she is not sure about carrying on.

When I told her: "If not seeing my ex at all is what it takes: OK", she said "I do not want to be the girlfriend forbidding you to see your ex" and "I don't want to be responsible for you losing that friendship if it doesn't work out with us". This makes me angry, because I feel it is BS.

Is there any way out?

I don't blame your girl here. 3.5 years with someone is a good amount of time. Plus it sounds like from your other posts your ex left you. So I can see your girl being worried. Drop the ex stuff. Be polite but a mininum. And don't put yourself in situations to mess up your current relationship.

Let's look at this situation logically. You've had a life before you met your current girlfriend and it is continuing on the same path. Your girlfriend wants you to change that path. Instead of saying you have to change it, she's trying to guilt you into changing it. You've been doing the right thing by not conforming.

Here's where you're making your mistake, IMO. You are entertaining her jealousy and each time you entertain it, she's gaining a little bit of ground into changing you(Go read posts about the guys who got into an LTR and after it was over, they've lost the confidence they had going in). You need to be unapologetic about this, especially since you know she doesn't like the situation but you are going to keep yourself in it. You and your ex were not together when your current girlfriend met, you have no desire to see her now. You need to tell her this outright and then let her know that you're not discussing it anymore. Treat her jealousy as it is bad behavior and not something to comfort.

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mpuaforum.proboards.com

Thanks for the replies.

We had some more talks, other issues were raised but her main point is that she feels betrayed because I decided not to inform her - she feels deprived of her right of decision and as if there was a whole aspect of my life she didn't know about. She doesn't trust me anymore, she says.

Now I can't argue with that, on the other hand I do not want to get blamed unilaterally for this as this siutation is not of my doing alone. I know it was a mistake not to be man enough to confront this directly, but she compared me to two other exes that she broke up with. The last one didn't inform her that his parents were hoping for her to marry into the family business (an eco-farm) and already had made calculations with her steady income as a teacher and the other one had promised her to inform his gf he cheated on and that he would dump her.

I feel it unfair to be lumped into a heap with somebody who lied to her about a relationship to have sex and to another one who sat idly by as his parents were making plans to instrumentalize her earnings. I feel as if I take the blame for a deep wound seated inside her and it is almost as if she expects me to fail her.

BTW: Her father is an alcoholic adulterer who cheated on her meek mother. So I understand this must be a very sore point. But I am neither her father nor an adulterer, nor a puppet of my parents. Sop why the f... is she putting me in there?

She's lumping you in that category because at the end of the day you hid seeing your ex twice from her. And tbh, you are like those guys. Look, come up with reasons for her being crazy or insecure all you want, but realistically, you're lucky she even stayed in this. Look at it this way, if a guy had come here saying his gf had an ex of 3 years who she saw regularly and she hid seeing him twice, guys here would be saying dump her for lack of trust. Cheating father or whatever, most women would have a problem with you being around your ex, and especially hiding the fact you hung out twice with her. I've read your other posts and it sounds like your ex broke up with you. If this is true, it's easy to assume you still have feelings for her. Now on her side, her bf may be ok with you seeing her because if she dumped you she didn't have feelings for you. Your girl has to feel like she is your second choice and that part of you wants your ex back.

Leave your girl if you want, but your next gf is probably gonna have the same doubts about you.As Dr. Jones said you should minimize time with your ex. With the hiding stuff you're in a hole now; she can't trust you. If she ends a relationship because she can't trust her partner, I actually respect that. If you must see your ex at friend stuff, make sure she is there.

My gf knew I was seeing the ex regularly at work and with friends. I never saw the ex alone. The soccer match I watched at her place was actually an invitation of her roommate after we had discovered we were both soccer fans of fairly unsuccessful clubs-. I know I fucked it up by not telling her this, but this was done out of cowardice of having a scene on my hands and not because I wanted to have a girl in reserve or to cheat my gf over. The ex has a bf, I am not interested in her, I wanted company for a soccer match and felt lonely after my best buddy had moved out of town. The other time I was over it was because another friend stayed over at her and we were gathering as an old circle of friends who had gone out of touch due to moving etc.

I told her about the friend gathering in July and about the soccer match last week. I would not care if my gf still had contact with her ex. In fact, I know she had an affair with a guy in the same house right before meeting me and it didn't bother me in the slightest she might see him every day in the staircase. I have told her this before and I stand by it. I do not feel much jealousy and I do know my stance on my ex. I have a clear conscience. I definitely do not want my ex back. I have no emotional reserve there and this is something that my gf believes me.

I do not want to leave my girl, in fact I am trying to have her not leave me. I do love her and I do envision a future with her. And I know that my reasons for hiding the truth do not change the fact I did it, I have no bad conscience for the deed of being over - I have a bad conscience for not telling her and showing a lack of spine.

We agreed on letting a week pass before talking again. How could I handle this?

If you didn't have an "ex", she'd be jealous of some other girl in your life. If you removed all the girls in your life, she'd be jealous over the attention you give to a pet or a favorite sport. If you removed all the things in your life, she'd be jealous over your peace and quiet. The issue is not you, your ex, or your hobbies. The issue is your girlfriend's habitual need to exercise her emotional disappointment in relationships. She isn't a broken toy that you can fix with a wrench and glue; this will be who she is for the rest of her living life.

If you have a desire to help self sabotaging emotional midgets, get yourself a psych degree and you can deal with as many knuckleheads as your schedule allows... but offering "therapy" to girlfriends is not a job description for boyfriends. Let her go before she sucks more life out of you. She will do this to all the men in her life... and she will go through many...

I know being in love isn't the most sober state of mind, neither is the fear of loss. I have read many things I do consider to be true. I do see the warning signs, but I also get mixed response in this thread. I had an aggressive gf before, in my early 20ies, and I didn't stay in that relationship - I ended it the week she became aggressive. I am not a sucker. Contrary to then, I feel I am not above reproach in this case and I do not see an abusive streak in her.

This being said, what can I do in this situation?

Void of "Abuse": this is your ideal relationship?

Look, you're not some 23 year old kid. You already have a good idea of where this is going. At this moment, her only means of expressing her jealousy = tantrums, screaming, breaking glass. You envision a future? A future only = more creative means to express her jealousy. What do you suppose will happen when your assets are linked closer together? . . When your families are drawn closer together?

You are not thinking correctly. Your girlfriend is 35 fucking years old. Dude, most of her friends have already married 2 times and have multiple children. This is the age where women teach and console others who behave irrationally. If she has not been able to manage her issues by this age, guess what. . . it's over. What you see is what you get for the rest of her life.

Her tantrums have nothing to do with you and nothing to do with her ex. Because this has nothing to do with you, there is nothing you can do to consistently shape her future behavior. She is always going to blow up and break shit. You could cut every single female out of your life and she will find an acceptable reason (to her) to throw a tantrum and break shit. I doubt her friends will be honest with you but I bet there are some ways to cleverly dig up her past. This is hardly her first tantrum. Even in your short time with her, you've witnessed more than one. . . and this is hardly her first broken glass. Why do you want to hand her more shit to break?

She's with you because she needs to throw shit down. You offer her the reasons (simply by the virtue of being you) and you allow her to do it. You are with her because you have a need to fix relationships. Stop it. Get a degree and find other shitty relationships to fix. No need to get yourself into a shitty relationship just to fix it.

Don't worry. . . with or without you, she'll get plenty more opportunities to throw her tantrums. This is her life role.