Something that's truly important for anyone intent one achieving a meaningful relationship, is to take some time to reflect, go over your values, compare them to what you typically look for in a partner and figure out what's congruent and what's not. Not only do you need to make sure that what you're looking for in a woman fits with your values (if it doesn't, the relationship is pretty much doomed, because you won't have the same values and you will end up with major conflicts, creating unhappiness), but you also need to figure out what exactly it is you are looking for in a woman or man and
why!
I'm not talking about quantitative things, like a 34C cup size, blond hair, blue eyes and 5'6", or 6'2 with a dark complexion, with a PhD and a house on the beach. That shit's irrelevant. Sure, you might
prefer those things. You might
desire them. You might even have a prejudice against people that don't fit certain racial groups, pay grades, or body types. But those are things your body is attracted to and that typically are inconsequential when you meet someone you really "spark" with. I've even heard of Jewish people marrying anti-semites and racists suddenly falling for someone from the race they still continue to disdain, so those things can be overlooked even in the most extreme of cases.
No, what I'm talking about is
qualitative aspects, such as personality traits, likes and dislikes; that sort of thing. That's what makes or breaks a relationship. That's what ends up destroying a union between two people, because the man is a workaholic and the woman values family time, or the woman is a control freak and incredibly anal retentive, while the man values freedom and casual dissorganization. These people can't be happy, it just won't work. Values can be re-aligned and changed, or re-organized, but what if they don't want to do that, or they don't know how? It's much easier to seek out someone that shares similar values and that you don't have to "fix" in order to achieve a successful relationship.
I've worked with guys that spent months or years dissinterested in women, because they didn't realise what they were looking for in a woman and so none of them appealed to them. I've worked with other men and women as well, who ended up in relationships that constantly turned out to be like the previous one and ended up being everything they didn't want. They did this excercise and suddenly they could identify who they should be attracted to and they were, as well as they new why they were attracted to those people, so they were more capable of dealing with the situation effectively and didn't get lost trying to figure out why certain things the person did would make them upset and others would drive them crazy with lust. They were also able to readily identify the ones that they longed to stay away from, for fear of another catastrophic relationship.
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Now that you're convinced about how useful this activity is and why you're doing it,
let's cover exactly what you'll be doing:
Get yourself comfortable to reflect, however you do it best. Some people do their best reflection in the shower, some do it while talking with someone else, some grab a pen and just start writing, some meditate, some go for a run, so do whatever it is that works best for you, don't think you just have to sit there and concentrate, because that may not be the best way to go about meaningful reflection for you personally and you'll just end up frustrated. Me personally, I can't stop reflecting, so any of the above work for me.
Now, like I said, think about what your values are. Think about what it is that you see as meaningful in yourself, the standards that you hold yourself to. I'll list a few of mine - in no particular order - so you get the point:
Honour/Honesty & Integrity
Action towards Success
Passion
Health
Happiness
Acceptance
Contribution
Intimacy and Closeness
Kindness and compassion
Adventure and Excitement
Intelliegence and Resourcefulness
Growth and Improvement
I created this list by completing some of the activities in Anthony Robbin's book Awaken the Giant Within, which is a really worthwhile book and tremendous for building inner game. You don't need to read the book to do it, I'm sure you're able to figure out what things your highest values in life are, although I encourage you to spend a bit of time doing so and not just dash out the first things that come to mind, because that doesn't mean they're the most important ones. One of the first things that pops into my head when I'm thinking of things I value, is my computer, my bed, a good book, or a glass of iced tea, but you won't find any of those things on my list.
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Once you have discovered your values, you can figure out what you're looking for in a partner. You want to come up with qualities that you feel you
need, not that you
want. Traits that a partner
must possess in order for a relationship with them to be enjoyable. Sounds easy, but remember, you need to make sure that those things are congruent with your values, because if they're not, you aren't going to be happy being with them and they won't be happy being with you and it will inevitably fall apart.
Figure out what a partner absolutely must not have, or else the relationship will fail.
While you doing those, determine
why they need to possess those those traits, or why you cannot allow those other ones. Understand why is just as important as figuring out the traits, if not more so. If anything doesn't make sense, question why you've decided upon that aspect, perhaps it isn't congruent with your values, or perhaps you don't actually
need it and it's just a want, which is fine, but it just limits your ability to find that person that you're truly going to connect with.
Write a list out, in the form of "must have", "need" and "cannot be" statements, such as "She
cannot be a smoker" or "He
must have a sense of humor I can relate to."
By the time you're done, this shouldn't be a short piece, this is gonna be LONG. This may take up a page, or perhaps several. Go back over it and cross off anything you identify as things that aren't completely necessary, or that you're just worded in more than one way, as it will make your list easier to remember and expand your options for potential partners. Even when you're done reducing it some, it should still be quite lengthy. Try not to be
too specific, or you end up reducing your options greatly and no one fits, but don't be too broad either, or everyone will qualify.
Again, this may only take you an hour, or maybe it'll take you a week to do the whole thing. Be honest, because it's not going to matter to anyone but you and no one is going to benefit from it aside from you. No one else has to see it either, unless you'd like to post it here to share with myself and others. If you need any help with it, you know how to reach me!
CHAT
