| The answer comes from an unlikely place: diplomatic relations. As it turns out, the rules that apply in political diplomacy (nation vs. nation) also hold true between people in relationships. The techniques and technology used in diplomacy also work for relationships.
Why is this? Because both nations and people have their own agendas, wants, needs, desires, fears, and hopes; and frequently, they are not perfectly aligned with the agendas, wants, and needs (etc) of the other nation or person.
So what are the tools and techniques of diplomacy/relationships? At the risk of generalizing, there are two main ones, and they come out of a quote by Teddy Roosevelt:
"Speak softly and carry a big stick."
The two tools are the Soft Words and the Big Stick. You might also call them The Carrot and the The Stick (positive or negative reinforcement), but soft words work better than a carrot, because in relationships, soft words are persuasively loaded with emotional meaning, whereas an objective, speechless “carrot” (a trip to a fancy restaurant, shopping spree, or other material reward) is shallow and carries no emotional payload.
So, in order to stamp out even the remotest possibility of your girlfriend’s infidelity, you must do two things:
1) Tell her what you expect. Speak softly; use kind, loving language. Tell her that the very thought of her with another man drives you wild (in a negative way, not a good way). Tell her you believe you two were meant to be with each other, and only each other, even if it’s just for this period of time. Tell her you don’t know what you’d do if she cheated, that you wouldn’t be able to control yourself, that you’d be liable to do something desperate. Tell her you respect her (or, if you want to really unload a powerful emotional payload, use the word “revere”) and you cannot see yourself in a relationship with someone that does not respect you equally in return.
2) Be prepared to use The Big Stick. PLEASE NOTE: I do not mean this literally. The Big Stick is a metaphorical tool. There never actually is, or was, or should be, a physical STICK anywhere in this equation. Beating women is immoral, illegal (most places) and downright sick. Don’t do it.
Back on track. The Big Stick is a metaphor for the “consequences” of a woman not listening to your Soft Words. Basically, your responsibility is to do everything in your power to convey, through the power of your Soft Words, just how devastating her infidelity would be to the relationship - and in this I mean you need to lay out the consequences. What will happen if she cheats - specifically? Will she lose your love? Your respect? Your affection? Your ability to have sex with her (a huge point of leverage, incidentally). Will the relationship be over? Will you consider taking her back? What are you willing to forgive, and what is unforgivable?
Be careful here; with many women, if you give an inch (”I wouldn’t be TOO mad if you just got drunk and made out with a guy…”) will typically take the whole proverbial mile (”I was SOOOO drunk….I didn’t make out with him…but I did give him a handjob….and I slept in his bed…but I don’t remember anything else……I’m so soooo sorry”).
The reason it is your responsibility to lay out your limits, and the consequences, is because this is an essential part of a good-faith effort (on your part) to be a competent, clear communicator (the type women are always clamoring after in feminist literature). You will see how, in many cases, your Soft Words fall on deaf ears, and make no behavioral impact on her in the end - but they do allow you to say “I did my best,” and be telling the truth. Setting clear, unambiguous boundaries in relationships is one of the best foundations you can lay for happiness.
So. You have done all your homework with your Soft Words, made clear the consequences, and she has gone ahead and trespassed over the boundaries you set anyway - now it is time to show integrity and enforce those boundaries with the proverbial Big Stick. Did you promise not to sleep with her if she cheated? Then don’t sleep with her. Do exactly what you promised to do - no more, no less. The relationship may be over forever, but you will have kept your integrity intact, and demonstrated to her that you are a man of his word, and not a pushover. This will, in turn, probably make her even more attracted to you, and make her realize what a fool she was to cheat on you - but you must remain firm and stand steadfast in your decisions.
But hopefully it doesn’t come to that. What about applying the metaphorical Big Stick in situations in which she hasn’t actually cheated, but is showing behavior that is unacceptable in another way? Say, for instance, she is flirting shamelessly with some other man at a party you two are attending together. If you have previously identified this behavior as Off Limits, it’s time for the Big Stick.
And here’s where we bring in additional “techniques” - although they are not really truly “techniques” that are applied dispassionately, but controlled extensions of your natural emotions.
“Big Stick” Techniques #1: The Freeze Out
First is the “freeze-out”. Most people know this by the name “withdrawing” or “withholding”. There are two main types of freeze-out, social and sexual - so withholding sex is a “sexual freeze-out” and withholding yourself socially (not speaking, looking, facing or paying attention) is a social freeze out.
This is also called “breaking rapport” - rapport being the easy camaraderie two people have (and you assuredly have with your girlfriend).
Most guys, upon seeing their girlfriend blatantly hitting on some other girl at a party, would “hit back” in the following reactive way: find the sluttiest or ugliest looking floozy around, some girl that can’t hope to compare to your girlfriend, and start hitting on her just as blatantly. The subcommunication is clear: “Why are you hitting on that douchebag, when he’s so clearly not me? I am going to give you a taste of your own medicine - here, see how YOU feel when I give all my attention and affection to this less-attractive version of yourself.”
Although this makes a twisted kind of tit-for-tat sense, it is rarely constructive and usually just brews unnecessary drama and jealousy. A better option is a considered response to do a social freeze-out / timed rapport break: make sure your girlfriend sees you seeing her in her behavior, and then turn your back. Face your body away. Do not make eye contact with her or speak to her at all. Chat with some guys or girls, it doesn’t matter which - but don’t scramble reactively to some girl and start obviously hitting on her. Instead, just be normally fun and social, but in such a way that you are EXCLUDING HER.
If she comes over to you and starts making bids to reconnect and re-establish rapport, your freeze-out has had the desired effect. My advice at this point is to let her back in, but make her earn it. if you have previously identified that behavior (hitting on other guys at parties) as unacceptable, she owes you an apology - maybe not there in the middle of the party, but certainly later in the night, on the drive home or in bed.
You have used the Big Stick of a social freeze-out - now return to the Soft Words of diplomacy. Explain to her what happened, and tell her what impact her behavior had on you emotionally: “I just lost all attraction for you in that moment. The feeling that you didn’t respect me was overwhelming. I just couldn’t even look at you [Explanation for what caused the freeze out] Then when you started doing that lap dance for me [Her bid to re-establish rapport], I was reminded how fun you can be - and I forgave you in the moment [Your rational for ending the freeze-out]. But I still want an apology. What you did was NOT OK [Sticking to your guns].”
The issue will not be closed until she admits her mistake and apologizes. Anything less is an act of disrespect, and tells you she does not take your boundaries and limits seriously. In diplomacy, if one country agrees to a treaty, and then later does things that directly contravene that treaty, the other nation will stop taking their diplomatic words so seriously, and instead starting making moves that are also in contravention of the treaty (but in their own interest) - and the diplomatic process starts breaking down.
Similarly, in the case where your girlfriend refuses to apologize and acknowledge the nature of her disrespect, you know the relationship is in serious trouble; and maybe you need to up the ante and use a Bigger Big Stick, such as the entire relationship (”I just can’t see myself staying with someone who won’t respect me. I think we need to call it off / start seeing other people.”)
If, at that point, your girlfriend starts backpedaling and acts conciliatory, you know you’ve found the Big Stick that works; but you still have to make it clear to her that you expect her behavior to shape up and stay shaped up, or the entire thing will be put on the line again (and she doesn’t get unlimited chances to screw up and apologize, by the way).
“Big Stick” Techniques #2: Showing Rage
Just as freeze-outs are a controlled extension of our natural inclination to tit-for-tat to cause jealousy in a straying girl, rage is a natural controlled extension of your natural anger at a woman for doing some seriously egregious.
Let’s take a common example: your girlfriend stole your driver’s license to use it as a fake ID for another guy in her social group, so they could all go out drinking. You only discover this when you’re next at the store, trying to buy a bottle of wine for the two of you. You’d be pretty pissed off, right? You need to show her that anger. She needs to understand that her behavior has real emotional consequences for you - for remember that women reason and think in emotional terms. Emotions make more ’sense’ to them than ’sense’ does to us.
Back to the offense. What she did not only showed a flagrant disrespect for your personal property, it put you in serious danger of actual consequences - what if you had been pulled over by a cop that day? You could have gotten a few-hundred dollar citation for driving without a license. Furthermore, it’s an open question of WHY it was so imperative that she help this *particular* guy join her social circle drinking.
Now, it may be that the guy is totally benign, and your girl doesn’t feel anything for him. It may be that the whole fiasco was a big ploy for your attention (if so, you should look at why your level of attention may not be satisfying her anymore). Or it may be that she was just buzzed, not thinking clearly, and did something inconsiderate, stupid, dangerous and somewhat manipulative (maybe she has poor judgment).
In any event, you need to show her your anger - clearly, but in a controlled fashion.
So she comes home from work and comes over to your apartment. Your anger needs to strike from the clear blue sky - don’t lead her on with the usual, “Hi, honey, how was your day” routine - that will only make her feel manipulated and trapped later (which will increase resistance no matter how irrelevant those feelings may be).
Don’t be afraid to raise your voice. Don’t be afraid to thunder. After all, you are a man - we have louder voices than women for this (among other) reasons. But don’t be unrestrained or wild; controlled anger is actually much more impressive than wild, flailing madness.
Tell her, in a loud, angry voice, exactly what she did and why it was wrong, and what consequences it had for you (or could have had). You are like coals; you are smoldering, but gradually cooling. Do not remain in a rage state for very long; 2 to 5 minutes usually does the job quite well. You will have successfully communicated her offense, and additionally reminded her that you are a Man, and there is (historically speaking, if not in this situation) danger in pissing you off.
I want to be clear about one thing. This is not the anger that precedes violence. In fact, I happen to believe physical violence should never be connected to or motivated by emotion; and I especially believe physical violence has no place whatsoever in any “romantic” or close relationship, ever - your raising your voice is a sort of emotional violence, though, and that is quite enough to demonstrate your emotional state. Rage is unexpected; it attacks you, not her. Your 2-5 minute demonstration and gradual cooling is to show her that the Rage attacked you, but you are a man and in control of it; but she needs to understand that you DO have powerful emotions that, in ages past, would have lead your ancestor to uncivilized, violent action.
You are re-creating for her the experience you had of being seized with pissed-offness in the grocery store; and you are doing it because that experience you had contains valuable information for her, letting her know that her (irresponsible) actions have real-world emotional impacts on other people.
As an aside, I believe men in the U.S. aren’t taught how to be angry in a healthy way; they are either shown how to have an uncontrolled rage that usually ends in violence, or to repress their anger to the point that it is all internalized, and they are external push-overs who get turned into carpets by women - but the internalized rage comes at a heavy price, since it sits and festers and slowly turns men misogynistic and hateful.
Here are the most important parts of healthy expression of anger:
You have a right to get angry.
You have a right to express the full extent of your anger to the offending party.
You have a right to #’s 1 and 2 without having to fear a lawsuit, restraining order, or battery accusation,
…SO LONG as you keep your anger under control, rather than let it control you and guide you into irrational and damaging actions.
Further Notes on “Big Stick” Techniques
Concerning social freeze-outs: they are (usually) devastatingly effective on women, much more so than sexual freeze-outs (although if you are good enough at sex, the threat of having her water cut off may be considerable leverage).
Usually, sexual withholding is much more effective when used by women against guys; but, to paraphrase what a noted Seduction expert once wrote, “Girls need rapport more than guys need sex.” Quite true; social rapport and the social bond you share in a relationship is extremely important to a women, usually more so than the sex you have (although again, your skill at sex may somewhat balance the equation). The point is, use the Big Stick that is most effective; sexual or social freeze-outs.
Some women, upon reading this, will probably email me complaining of how “manipulative” it is - to which I will reply, it is no more or less manipulative than what thousands of women already do in relationships, and they do it for the exact same reasons I am suggesting it be used here.
I am only suggestion it because I know from long experience that it works, and it works precisely because it is the way women are used to communicating, and a way that reaches them.
A bit more on the anatomy of what counts as a rapport break / social freeze out:
- silence: refusing to answer questions or pick up her proposed conversational threads
- ignoring her (overall)
- walking a few steps away from her; not as though you’re taking off, just putting space between you
- facing away from her abruptly (hiding your face from her, as though hiding a bad expression)
- looking at or giving your attention to another person / thing
- talking to everyone around her but NOT acknowledging anything she says in the conversation
Any and all of these parts of a freeze-out need to be initiated IMMEDIATELY upon your girlfriend doing whatever it is you’re “punishing” her for - otherwise, she might not make the connection. The idea is that she feels the cold of the freeze-out directly upon her slip-up and recognizes the cause and effect relationship between the two.
Later, after you have taken her back in, you can be explicit and tell her what happened and why, and give her a chance to explain and apologize. Always give her the opportunity not only to succeed in showing proper behavior, but also the chance to apologize and correct her behavior (but not indefinitely).
A final note: showing Rage is much more traumatic and scary (and violent) than freeze-outs. Therefore it should be “used” sparingly - i.e. only corresponding to actual instances when you were attacked by feelings of rage. If you have a lot of rage in your life, that may be less because of your girlfriend and more because of some other factors - and you probably ought to look into it.
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CHAT
