| I aint some newbie, but i figured this might be helpful here. Post replies and your own experiences to help others.
Here is the biggest problem with AFCs:
It's not that they're skinny/fat, or wimpy/docile, or that they allow themselves to be commanded and pushed around (though that doesn't really work in their favour). It's a mindset issue. They are all, myself included once upon a time, 2-dimensional.
Consider the entire world, but that AFCs are blinded by a piece of paper set in front of them. The human brain can't concentrate on nothing - try staring at a blank sheet of paper. Your eyes wander all over the place. Now draw a dot in the center of the page - your eyes immediately focus on that dot. It's because that's how our brains were designed to work (when they work, and when people use them). They have to focus on something. They have to obsess on something. They can't just let things be. And so that is the main issue with AFCs, especially for those who are very deep and contemplative. Because imagine that blank sheet of paper to be their love lives, and that dot to be, "The One." Sometimes, the AFC will manufacture his obsession.
They focus on that dot. Obsess over it. Over-think and over-analyze and shower it with attention. Sometimes the girl may love it, sometimes it may put too much pressure on the girl, and sometimes the girl is so fucked up that she'll genuinely believe you're just being a "great friend." Whatever the case, the AFC can't see past the dot or past the sheet of paper into the real world. He gets caught up in the belief that this one girl is the "one for him." And when finally he makes his move, and is turned down, often with the "I am only your friend" line, his heart is shattered. His path astray. And his mind still focusing on that stupid dot.
The worst thing, though, is if the AFC has a few more female friends. He never has many, because if he did this wouldn't be an issue. And since there are fewer, he tends to expect so much more from each of them. What happens when he subsequently turns to one of them for romance, and is again turned down? He retreats to another girl, and then another, and then another, until like a marble ricocheting off the pegs in a pinball machine, he bounces around in this little 2D prison of his.
If only there was a way to escape. A way to break through that glass. But the only way to truly break free of this prison is to understand it. To know what it is.
And therein lies the key.
Because AFCs are, in a sick way, happy with what they have. Because they don't know any better. They don't know what else is out there. Remember they are blinded by the sheet of paper. Their lives - 2 dimensional. They will stick to their same Friday-night routine, their same circle of friends, and the same empty consolation of "It will happen with time." None the AFC's friends give him the harsh truth that he needs: That the only way to get what he wants is to reach out and take it. That to be truly successful, he needs to change his ways. And that to be outgoing, he must break out... of his comfort zone.
Yes, that damned comfort zone rears its ugly head once again.
Never settle for the idea of "It will happen with time." Your dear friends, as wonderful as they are, castrate you each time they say this. Don't accept that as truth.
If only we could tear away that piece of paper, and see the world for what it really is... but it isn't so simple. Because when you're heartbroken, when you're hung up on that one individual, all you see is them. All you see is that one dot. So what do you do?
Draw more. Draw lots and lots and lots of dots. Fill your page with it. And train your brain to stop thinking. How does a person focus on a page filled with dots?
So fill it. Get out there. Do things. Meet people. Spend time with friends. Take a night class. Immerse yourself in your work. Enroll in an art course. Work out at the gym. Do something that will keep you moving. Never give yourself time to rest, for it is in those hours of reprieve that your mind decides to think. You must, of course, set aside time to dwell, to grieve, and to work through the emotions that are tugging at your heels. And when that time comes, set aside some time to write it out. Yell it out. Or do whatever cathartic think you have to do to leave it behind you. If there is one thing I've learned, its that grief comes in pieces. Usually overwhelming and often at first, but eventually less in magnitude and frequency over time. Your heart allows you to deal with only so much, and once you've mastered that grief, it allows you to deal with a little more, over and over, until eventually you are completely healed. The journey is long, and difficult, believe me I know.
But with time you'll get there. And in the meantime - just draw dots. And connect them, until eventually they lead you off the page. The rest of the world is waiting behind it. It's waiting for you on the other side.
Cheers,
Q.
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CHAT
