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Grieving and the System
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Author:  learnandgrow [ Sun Jul 11, 2010 4:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Grieving and the System
I don't think this is something that has been addressed much in the forums, but I'm in an interesting situation I'd like you guys to take a look at from the outside in.

I've been in a relationship with a girl for a little over a year now. Recently, an old friend's little sister died, who she considered to be like a family member to her as well. As a result, I gave her space and let her know I'd be there if she needed anything.

However, here's where things are a little disheartening. She made plans to be with me today, but changed her mind last and said she needed another day or so. I discover she's gone and made plans with another close friend to go to the mall today, and to see a TV series tonight with another group (something they do every Sunday.) Sandwiched in between, she said she hopes to see another person who is dealing with the same thing she is at the moment.

She said she needs to be with friends right now, but I can't help being disappointed as I feel I'm being pushed away, especially considering I'm her boyfriend and how close we are. She says she's "not ready" to see me yet, and doesn't know when she will be. To make things more difficult, I had not seen her the week before as she was away with family.

Needless to say, I'm missing her a bit and I don't feel like she feels the same way, right or wrong even depending on the circumstances. When you're told you're the most important person in someone's life, but something like this happens and you feel isolated and distant, it's a tough thing to comprehend.

What do you guys think? Is there any reason why a girl who says she's madly in love with you would the love of her life away in such a serious time and embrace others, and become so distant? Is it normal or okay for her to break plans to be with other friends? Do you think there could be another underlying problem?

Any help or assessments on the situation would be greatly appreciated. Situations like this are hard, for everyone, and it's a huge curveball in what would otherwise seem to be a very strong, loving, and exciting relationship.
Author:  JOHNNYBOY29 [ Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:03 pm ]
Post subject: 
I guess she needs to be with her friends who offer a different kind of love and affection that you may have to offer - im assuming.

Either that or, sorry to say, sometimes people change after such an event so much so that they overhaul their lives. This could mean contemplating whether being in a relationship is any good for her at the moment as life is too short etc.

Im sure she just needs time and space that is all. Give it a week or so then talk to her again.

I imagine it is difficult for you and it is easy to jump to conclusions but im sure there is nothin in it bar just needing time and space
Author:  learnandgrow [ Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:10 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thank you for the well thought out response, I appreciate it. It certainly is difficult, because it's like experiencing a complete 180 degree turn in the blink of an eye. It can be easy to jump to conclusions :oops:
Quote:
I guess she needs to be with her friends who offer a different kind of love and affection that you may have to offer - im assuming.

Either that or, sorry to say, sometimes people change after such an event so much so that they overhaul their lives. This could mean contemplating whether being in a relationship is any good for her at the moment as life is too short etc.

Im sure she just needs time and space that is all. Give it a week or so then talk to her again.

I imagine it is difficult for you and it is easy to jump to conclusions but im sure there is nothin in it bar just needing time and space
Author:  JOHNNYBOY29 [ Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:15 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Thank you for the well thought out response, I appreciate it. It certainly is difficult, because it's like experiencing a complete 180 degree turn in the blink of an eye. It can be easy to jump to conclusions :oops:
Quote:
I guess she needs to be with her friends who offer a different kind of love and affection that you may have to offer - im assuming.

Either that or, sorry to say, sometimes people change after such an event so much so that they overhaul their lives. This could mean contemplating whether being in a relationship is any good for her at the moment as life is too short etc.

Im sure she just needs time and space that is all. Give it a week or so then talk to her again.

I imagine it is difficult for you and it is easy to jump to conclusions but im sure there is nothin in it bar just needing time and space
The reason I am saying this is that ive seen it before where, as you say, the closest person to the girl was the person they least wanted around them - they actually wanted me around them. I felt uncomfortable, because I felt the boyf should have been there, but I was doin what any close friend will have done.

She is with him still and continue to have a great relationship.
Author:  learnandgrow [ Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:17 pm ]
Post subject: 
It's comforting to hear a first hand experience like that, because this is the first time someone close to a partner has passed away, so it's not something I've encountered before.

When someone tells you that you're their best friend and lover, and you're shut out, you can't help but be a little saddened. So thanks for the insight, I really do appreciate it.

Has anyone else experienced this before?
Quote:
Quote:
Thank you for the well thought out response, I appreciate it. It certainly is difficult, because it's like experiencing a complete 180 degree turn in the blink of an eye. It can be easy to jump to conclusions :oops:
Quote:
I guess she needs to be with her friends who offer a different kind of love and affection that you may have to offer - im assuming.

Either that or, sorry to say, sometimes people change after such an event so much so that they overhaul their lives. This could mean contemplating whether being in a relationship is any good for her at the moment as life is too short etc.

Im sure she just needs time and space that is all. Give it a week or so then talk to her again.

I imagine it is difficult for you and it is easy to jump to conclusions but im sure there is nothin in it bar just needing time and space
The reason I am saying this is that ive seen it before where, as you say, the closest person to the girl was the person they least wanted around them - they actually wanted me around them. I felt uncomfortable, because I felt the boyf should have been there, but I was doin what any close friend will have done.

She is with him still and continue to have a great relationship.
Author:  JOHNNYBOY29 [ Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:29 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
It's comforting to here a first hand experience like that, because this is the first time someone close to a partner has passed away, so it's not something I've encountered before.

When someone tells you that you're their best friend and lover, and you're shut out, you can't help but be a little saddened. So thanks for the insight, I really do appreciate it.
Quote:
Quote:
Thank you for the well thought out response, I appreciate it. It certainly is difficult, because it's like experiencing a complete 180 degree turn in the blink of an eye. It can be easy to jump to conclusions :oops:
The reason I am saying this is that ive seen it before where, as you say, the closest person to the girl was the person they least wanted around them - they actually wanted me around them. I felt uncomfortable, because I felt the boyf should have been there, but I was doin what any close friend will have done.

She is with him still and continue to have a great relationship.
Dont want to harp on about it but think of it this way.

Your partner is grieving and her friends most probably knew this girl (if this girl was like a sister to your partner) so it would be natural to grieve with others who are grieving or even knew this girl who died.

Whereas you dont/didnt know her (im presuming) so she feels that by bringing you in to be a shoulder to cry on that she is bringing you into a situation that you are not/should not be involved in.

I hope it goes well for you both...
Author:  learnandgrow [ Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:37 pm ]
Post subject: 
That's where I was most confused, because she'll be with 2 people today that didn't know the girl (in addition to the 1 that did), but like you said it could just be because her friends can offer her comfort I can't at this time. It's just a whirlwind. You want to be there for her, you want to be her rock, it's tough...all of that.

Again, thank you for taking the time :D
Author:  learnandgrow [ Sun Jul 11, 2010 8:21 pm ]
Post subject: 
Anyone else have a similar experience?
Author:  learnandgrow [ Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
Just an update;

Saw her yesterday, and we both had an amazing day.

Anyway, she said she still really needs her friends, so it might be a couple of days before I see her again. Still learning how her coping method works, but I'm hoping it won't remain where I see her so sparsely, and that things return to normalcy sooner than later. I'm trying to be as understanding and supportive as I can be.

As for the psychological aspect of it all, I'm wondering if there's something behind it subconsciously. She's been seeing a number of old friends she hasn't really talked to, so maybe the loss of one gave her the urgent need to see others, in addition to needing support?

Anyway, I hope my continuous updates of this experience can help others that may encounter the same thing down the line. So far, I think it's important to remain incredibly supportive and understanding, even if you feel a little bit neglected. She seems to be completely overwhelmed, so be your girl's rock by giving her space and time to sort it all...it's like the last thing she wants to think about is worrying about her boyfriend (but not in a bad way.)
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