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She's friends with her ex
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Author:  Sambuca [ Wed May 26, 2010 2:03 am ]
Post subject:  She's friends with her ex
She told me this guy was her "friend", but judging from Facebook photos he's clearly her ex from a couple of years ago. She works in the same office with this guy, so she can't avoid him completely, but it annoys me that she invites him to parties at her place, or other group activities outside of work, even when I'm there. It really makes me uncomfortable being with a group of her friends when her ex is there too. The other week she went sketching with him (apparently they both like drawing) and then they stayed out and had dinner by themselves.

I wouldn't care so much if this guy was just a buddy of hers, but the fact that he's an ex really annoys me. But I can't exactly tell her who she can and can't be friends with, you know? Plus I think if I kick up a big fuss about her being friends with this guy, she'll think I'm ridiculous or immature or whatever, and if I issue an ultimatum to avoid contact with him outside of work she might just dump me.

I've chatted to some of my buddies and opinions vary; some think it's ok to be friends with an ex, and others think it's disrespectful to our relationship if she's still hanging out with him, especially if she invites him to do stuff when I'm there too. The thing is though, she didnt even tell me this dude was her ex; I figured it out cos there are Facebook photos of them on holiday together and stuff - so now I feel like she lied by omission. Why didn't she tell me? I can only assume that she thought I'd freak out and forbid their friendship if I knew he was her ex, which is obviously what I want to do, but I'm resisting until I think of a good way to handle it.

So tell me guys, what do I do about this? Do I tolerate it and be pretend friendly towards the guy in a group situation to show I'm the alpha male? Or do I tell her it's inappropriate and disrespectful for her to see him, and risk her dumping me? Any other ideas?
Author:  Hakuna [ Wed May 26, 2010 2:36 am ]
Post subject: 
Don't let it bug you, your an Alpha and he's a chump who has nothing on you. If you let it bother you then it'll make you insecure.

Hang out with YOUR ex more often or talk to other girls yourself. If you become to attached / dependent on this one girl, then stuff like this will get to you when it shouldn't.

And don't kick up a big fuss, jealousy is always bad, it just shows the girl that your insecure and lowers her interest level. If she ever acts in a way that you think is disrespectful, then withdraw attention from her but don't let it phase you.
Author:  Visionxxxxxx [ Wed May 26, 2010 1:37 pm ]
Post subject: 
Sambuca,

Who ended it, him or her?

And why? (maybe you dont know this but its important)
Author:  Sambuca [ Wed May 26, 2010 11:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
I don't know who ended it, or why. If she was the one who ended it, I guess it would be less of a problem since I'd know she doesn't want him, whereas if he ended it she might be hanging onto the friendship in the hope of reconciliation.

This girl doesn't actually know that I know about him being her ex - her friend let it slip in conversation. I questioned her friend, but she didn't know who ended it or why. Her friend just said they dated for nine months or so, and it ended about two years ago for reasons that were never mentioned. If I tell the girl herself that I know her friend is really her ex, and question what happened between them, isn't that like a DLV which will make me look insecure and weak?
Author:  Brinks [ Thu May 27, 2010 12:27 am ]
Post subject: 
It ended two years ago, which gave them plenty of time to have gotten back together. They're likely good friends, and to question that just makes you look terribly insecure and weak.

Instead of worrying about it, why don't you get to know the guy? Becoming friends with your girl's friends should always be a priority.
Author:  hristiyan [ Thu May 27, 2010 1:15 am ]
Post subject: 
Sambuca,

I totally empathize with you here. Knowing the girl you like is hanging with her ex can be frustrating and knock you off center.

There's an old saying: "Whatever you put your attention on, that thing expands." Its the basis for "The Secret" and some other woowoo type stuff. Basically, if you focus on how she's going to hook up with him or like him better than she likes you, you'll create that experience for yourself.

Instead, focus on how you can be the most awesome guy for her possible and as a result she'll like you more than anyone else. Be fun, share your life with her, show her things and taker her places she would never experience on her own. If your attention is on her and creating a great experience for her instead of your own worries and fears, any "threat" this guy could pose in your mind will disappear, as it likely exists only in your mind in the first place.
Author:  Sirva [ Thu May 27, 2010 5:36 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Don't let it bug you, your an Alpha and he's a chump who has nothing on you. If you let it bother you then it'll make you insecure.

Hang out with YOUR ex more often or talk to other girls yourself. If you become to attached / dependent on this one girl, then stuff like this will get to you when it shouldn't.

And don't kick up a big fuss, jealousy is always bad, it just shows the girl that your insecure and lowers her interest level. If she ever acts in a way that you think is disrespectful, then withdraw attention from her but don't let it phase you.

Listen to this guy, he knows what he's talking about. I second everything he said.
Author:  Visionxxxxxx [ Thu May 27, 2010 7:33 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
I don't know who ended it, or why. If she was the one who ended it, I guess it would be less of a problem since I'd know she doesn't want him, whereas if he ended it she might be hanging onto the friendship in the hope of reconciliation.
Hit the nail on the head.

6 basic reasons for break up (of course there are more these are the usual):

1. He ended it as it wasnt practical and working out for him, but he is still in love with her

2. He ended it as he fell out of love with her

3. She ended it as it wasnt practical and working out for her, but she is still in love with him

4. She ended it as she fell out of love with him

5. It was mutual but they are still in love

6. It was mutual but they both fell out of love.


As a rule of thumb I normally only dabble in 4's and 6's (unless its been a while since they broke up). All Im saying is be weary of the rest.

And yes what Hakuna said still go's 100%....dont EVER act jealous no matter what your situation...you can call this a golden rule with almost no exceptions.
Author:  Sambuca [ Thu May 27, 2010 2:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Instead of worrying about it, why don't you get to know the guy? Becoming friends with your girl's friends should always be a priority.
Yeah, I agree that becoming friends with her friends is a good idea - but this guy isn't her friend, he's her ex. I really can't see myself being friends with some dude who used to bang my girl!

I'll try not to act jealous and not show that I'm bothered. I know I'm taller, more handsome, better educated, and an all round better catch than her ex - he's short and fat, and had little in common with her other than working in the same office. It bothers me that she still wants to hang out with him though, and it annoys me that he's with her all day when she's at work. You're right though - if they were going to get back together, they'd have done so by now. I'll try to act alpha and see how it goes. Hopefully this dude will eventually find a new gf and will feck off and leave my girl alone!
Author:  paladien [ Thu May 27, 2010 5:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
What I did when I had a gf who I felt I could not really trust with certain things.. well it is a bit mean but my ex deserved it as she was very mean herself too.

Well in my mind I degraded her to my fuckbuddy. I started going out more, flirting with other women. If the question came from them "do you have a girlfriend?" I tried to avoid it or said something like "How can a guy like me not have a girlfriend?"

But I never lied.

I did this cuz I knew my ex gf was a little promiscuous at times. I loved her dearly, really, but she was a real slut.

Why this works?
It keeps you non needy, preoccupied, confident cuz you can have other girls.

It also get even with her, cuz she is basically hanging out with her ex :? And "who knows whats gonna happen if nobody's watching"

So dont let it get to you that much. Girls are Girls.

Oh, my ex girlfriend used to go out without me, not letting me know about it. When I called she would act busy and hang up real quickly. So thats what I did to her from then on.
Author:  Visionxxxxxx [ Fri May 28, 2010 7:56 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Oh, my ex girlfriend used to go out without me, not letting me know about it. When I called she would act busy and hang up real quickly. So thats what I did to her from then on.
Revenge is not the answer, f*cking drop chicks that like immediately they are just not worth the emotional fuss and time.
Author:  theamericanpsycho [ Mon Apr 11, 2011 1:53 am ]
Post subject:  friends with an ex?
You are one hell of a guy if you can put up with this. I, myself, am stuck in a situation like this. My girlfriend believes in being friends with ALL of her ex boyfriends. She is always on the playstation network playing video games with exes. It bugs the hell out of me, I don't like it a bit and will never accept it. I am on the phone with her mostly and hear her typing away to her friends, most of them exes. She is one of those girls that don't get along with other girls. I am not sure if you wanna classify that as "alpha female" but its possible. Her ex of a year ago, she got dumped by him twice and it was a pretty wild sexual relationship from what she said, wild and all over the place. She claims he dumped her because he couldn't deal with the distance factor and he felt they lost touch. Other exes of hers keep in regular contact, whether on her facebook, on AIM, or they call her on the phone and beep in, interrupting our calls and she puts me on hold to talk to them, its irritating as hell. If this girl wasn't so damn good looking and we didn't have so much in common, its unlikely I would even be putting up with this. I am always in a dilemma, even had some guys that she claimed to be exes, still claimed to be dating her. Of course she denied it and it was their word against hers, and one of these exes told me a week ago before I spoke with them, she called them late at night and they had phone sex. Like I said, his word against hers and she denies it in an odd way like its not NO! its more like, I don't want you talking to him. So much crap to deal with and I always question is it all worth it?
Author:  Mack 2.0 [ Mon Apr 11, 2011 2:02 am ]
Post subject: 
EDIT: Just realized this is a crazy old thread. But I'll leave my post here anyway...

There are two issues here:

One is theoretical

and,

One is factual

...

Theoretically speaking, it might be a problem that she still sees the dude. Who knows?

Fuck theory.

Factually speaking, the chick lied. That's a big no-no in my book. No way I would sign on for more of that shit. She should have said he was an ex. It's clearly a lie.

What are her intentions? We don't know.

What is she? A liar. That we know.
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