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Eye contact problems and attitude?
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Author:  Terry Duckwit [ Tue Mar 23, 2010 11:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Eye contact problems and attitude?
I have been working on eye contact for quite a while, and it just doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere in that it doesn't progress (don't get many girls holding eye contact) and I am no more confident in confined spaces. Say for example a coffee shop. I will always look away first if someone makes eye contact. I have a bad case of social anxiety and sometimes my neck will even twitch in order to get me to look away. It is like I have a subconscious coward controlling my body.

Today I went out in Central London at about 5.30pm and there were still people shopping, but I didn't get a single eye contact. I tried about 20 times. The only person who looked at me was a fat chick, and I only caught her looking because she was trying to see if I was looking at some tall blonde ahead of me who had a short skirt on. She wanted to see if I was interested in the other girl for some reason. When I caught the fat bird looking she looked away.

So my issues with eye contact are these. I feel like a "staring AFC". Some days I read posts on this forum that motivate me, but still I go out and I make eye contact and feel like everyone else on the street is looking at me as a staring AFC. I tend to go to busy shopping areas. The only way I can see around that is to try for one eye contact every 50 metres. Otherwise the women up ahead will see me trying for eye contacts with other women. I am very tall and stand out.

The other thing is should I be more aggressive in my inner game? I was in Starbucks a few days ago reading a book when a girl who came to sit at a table near me gave a look, which was almost like an expression of disgust. I hadn't been staring at her, I had just looked up and there she is giving me this look. I broke eye contact straight away, but should I have been aggressive with her for any reason? Maybe to improve my inner game?

I can't explain how hard I am trying to get over my social anxiety and depression arising from my oneitis. I have been going up to strangers and asking for directions just as practice and hoping it will get me somewhere in making me more socially confident. On the plus side I noticed today that one woman came out of a shop and seen me sitting down and her eyes got all nervous. She didn't know where to look and had to compose herself. There was no good reason for this apart from that there was some tension in her mind.

I also walked into a store and said "hello" to a young asian woman who was standing in a doorway waiting for something. She was strartled by a stranger talking to her. She went to say something back, but seemed nervous. It was like her face said hello back to me, but her mouth didn't move.

Is there anyone else in London or other cities who are doing similar things in big crowds of people and do you have any advice?
Author:  punkstar [ Wed Mar 24, 2010 8:20 pm ]
Post subject: 
get a picture of a HB 10, and look into her eyes... dont stare, smile, and look into the deepness of her eyes, see her the color of the eyes and keep a natural smile.
Author:  StreetLight [ Wed Mar 24, 2010 9:11 pm ]
Post subject: 
..and then do something silly so she will laugh, or say something, so it won't be weird, youre not just staring, youve noticed her
Author:  Terry Duckwit [ Wed Mar 24, 2010 9:41 pm ]
Post subject: 
Thanks for the replies guys. I agree that sometimes I don't think about the person behind the face and am just making eye contact. Today I tried to make out the colour of some people's eyes and tried to take an interest in what people were doing in a coffee shop to take my mind off myself.

I said Hi to a girl on the stairs in a clothes shop. Again she gave a look where her face became a bit more pleasant in response, but did not say Hi back. I said Hi to a woman in her 50s in a store and smiled at her. She said hello and gave me a big smile back.

However, I seem to scare girls sometimes. Today I had a mixed bunch. Smiled at some and talked to shop staff, but most women seemed to make a point of looking away when they see me. The worst ones are those who look to the side. For some reason that is the body language that tells me they are not interested in me.

One other thing I noticed is that saying "Hi" to people is something I only do when I catch them on their own. If there are people walking by I worry about what they will think and don't say anything.

It was an OK day, but I suppose my inner game was not all there. The only good clothes I had were a black coat, black jumper, and I felt that made me feel worse. I also overheard someone use the word lanky behind me, which I assume was about me. That didn't help.

The other thing is I only seem to get into the "zone" if you like after about an hour. It was only when I got back to my own area from the mall that I felt a bit carefree and more relaxed.
Author:  Kaveriis "SITH" [ Wed Mar 24, 2010 10:22 pm ]
Post subject: 
You are living in your own head WAY too much. Stop it. Stop listening to that little voice because it will do nothing but hold you back. Think of that hot chick you saw in a store 4 years ago...you can't right. Know why? Because she wasn't important. Her liking you or not had no outcome on your survival. If you look at a woman and she gives you a mean look back YOU WILL NOT DIE! You can either stop looking or smile and keep going until they either smile back or stop looking themselves. Chances are almost %100 that you will never see these women again, and if you do, you will not recognize them. Go out right now and make eye contact with every woman you walk by. Smile and hold it! keep walking but hold it until they break it. You might be surprised at how many smile back. Check your look in the mirror to make sure its friendly and open and remember that expression first.
Author:  Alex88 [ Wed Mar 24, 2010 10:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
this is just a minor road block . pick up is full of them ,the basic idea with fear is that you gota feel it , face it , then repeat the exercise . I't will only reduce with each try . until eventualy its nothing and BAM you are confident with it , then onto the next stage .
EG

I am affraid of the dark when home alone

I get dropped off at reale scary house by a friend at night and go incide for 1 hour on my own , I'm freaking out and only wanto run , thinking im hearing all sorts of crazy shit I make my self sit there .

the hour passes , im fine

my mind on a concious and deeply sub concious level now realises the fear is irational.

My dark house ....... who gives a fuck anymore.

just a little factual take for you there


Enjoy


8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) :D
Author:  Terry Duckwit [ Thu Mar 25, 2010 1:54 am ]
Post subject: 
Thanks guys. I'll continue working on it. I only seem to get into the zone to smile when very relaxed so I cannot smile on demand. I will keep at it.
Author:  Miss Babylon [ Thu Mar 25, 2010 2:39 am ]
Post subject: 
Smiling should be natural. Women can tell when you're trying too hard and this can make you come off as creepy or nervous.

When I have a problem smiling I think of something funny or unexpected. You could picture the person with a silly hat on their head or a moustache. Or think of a funny scene like when my friend was drunk we couldn't find him anywhere, turned out he was outside trying to swim in some bushes. Most likely if the object sees your smile she may initiate conversation.

If somebody sits down next to you when you're reading a book, look up with a smile as if you're pleased to see them. Any company is good company. Humans naturally gravitate to the company of other people. We yearn for physical and emotional contact. I think we should approach this by learning to take pleasure in contact with others. You shouldn't be nervous about human interaction, you should welcome it in any form it comes in. Men, women, verbal, non-verbal, physical, emotional etc. A smile on the street can change somebody's day, a genuine compliment from a stranger can make a difference, do something gentlemanly like open a door for a lady and give her a smile. These little acts may not seem like much but it will make you feel better about yourself (boy scout - good deed for a day) and it could brighten someone's day. :D
Author:  Terry Duckwit [ Thu Mar 25, 2010 10:06 pm ]
Post subject: 
I agree fake smiles are obvious. I tend to smile to shop staff when I take myself out of my comfort zone and don't give my mind time to think. I have tried the silly thinking thing in the past, but it doesn't always work. I used to imagine people pulling faces or wearing clown's clothes to make myself smile - but sometimes that can result in a laugh which will confused people.

The girl in the coffee shop did not sit next to me, but I take your point. Sometimes if people do sit near to me I do not make conversation, or worry about being heard by other people.

Today I complimented a woman on a top she was trying on in a clothes shop and she smiled. I told her it looked really nice on her. However, today I had a couple of glasses of wine which was "weak" and is not the best way to do it.

I went to a bar on my own, but had alreay had a couple of glasses of wine before I got there. In the bar I realised how boring it was and couldn't figure out why I am usually so consumed with anxiety about going into bars. Anyway, the bar was empty and the barman didn't seem to like the fact I was looking at him without smiling when he was talking to someone else. I think he was maybe self conscious of what he was saying to the other guy at the bar and was looking for my reaction.
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