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From "Don't Contact Me" to "I wanted to say H
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Author:  Onoma [ Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:59 am ]
Post subject:  From "Don't Contact Me" to "I wanted to say H
History Long version, in this thread: dont-ever-contact-me-again--vt61174.html?highlight=

Short version:

A month and a half ago this girl dumped me because she was scared of commitment and we were getting to close. She basically told me she was scared that if we stayed together it would hurt too much when she left for boot camp. I pretty much broke down the next weekend, sent her some dumb drunk texts and then a sober email which was nearly as bad.

Her reply? She said some things to hurt me, said I was being creepy, then said she never wanted to speak to me again.


Ok, now for current events:

I go to a meetup (sort of a club organized through a website) and am running a little late. Walk in, and she's standing there talking to some people. Why is she there? She left the club when I got creepy... but apparently was friends with someone else who invited her along.

She would have been able to easily check if I was going to be there since we all RSVP on a website...

After that meetup I had one scheduled for another club, which I run, so I invited everyone along then take off so I can be there before any newcomers. Hanh and her friend join us.

After that, while Hanh is out of the room, I announce we're going to hit another bar for some drinks (since it's Fat Tuesday) and the friend doesn't really seem interested. We all walk out, I end up waiting with a friend for her ride and after a few minutes Hanh and her friend come back and say they'll join us but didn't know where the bar was.

Then we hit another bar, and while there Hanh comes directly to me and asks if we're going to see a show later that night at another bar. I reply that we're thinking about it, and she says they need to go get their cars since they left at a park & ride and they'd be there at 10.

Why would she tell me specifically? Right? In fact, if she never wanted to speak to me again as she had said, why tell us they were going at all? Maybe to avoid us if we were...

BUT

She did go. I texted her just before she arrived so she could find us... and we spent the rest of the night watching some drag queens lip sync poorly. (I probably wouldn't have gone, except for Hanh...)

Later, Hanh texts me to thank me for letting her know where we were standing AND says she wanted to say Hi at the first meetup but felt like I was avoiding her.

So what gives? I'm at a complete loss now...

I can't assume she's interested in getting back together. She's only in town for another 2 weeks. I guess she just acted mad to try and keep me from pressuring her more? She forgave me? What about the feelings she had?

EDIT: Oh, and my reply to her text was just to say I didn't know how to act in the situation, I was just confused... and still am.

Probably not a good reply, but had no idea what to say.
Author:  mrcoffee999888 [ Wed Feb 17, 2010 7:19 pm ]
Post subject: 
Probably not the BEST reply, but at this point it's not a big.

I don't think it necessarily means she wants to get back together with you, in fact seeing you for the first time in however long probably evoked some rather unwanted/confusing emotions for her as well. rather than taking that frame.. As hard as it may be. stick to the method... Act like you don't give a shit. be nice, but you've moved on, and don't care about what happens with the two of you. the more she sees you "not caring" and around other girls... (ok you know the theory).. she will want you back. the same goes for texting. wait until she texts you.. wait to respond, be brief, like your busy.. and only respond if it furthers your interaction. In person, NEVER telegraph interest, and never reminisce.. act busy, talk about and flirt with other girls. You are basically gaming her all over again from square one (except for the fact that you probably know a lot about her, and know what makes her tick).

Keep us posted.
Author:  Onoma [ Wed Feb 17, 2010 8:35 pm ]
Post subject: 
I tried not to do that, actually... I keep wanting to think she's not the same as other girls. I guess, like when Style met that one girl in The Game and none of the normal gaming shit worked on her.

At the very least I think Hanh would be too pessimistic to care.

Of course, I just keep digging the hole deeper... sent her an email this morning:
Quote:
Hi Hanh,

I guess I didn't really say it in my text last night... but I wanted to say Hi too. I just didn't think you wanted to talk to me anymore... then you kept coming to the different bars with us, and I just kept getting more confused. Hanging out with you all night and not knowing if I could/should talk to you was kinda tough...

I really didn't know how to deal with the situation though. I mean, when I first walked in I was afraid I would be making you uncomfortable... I almost left right away so you could enjoy yourself. Then, I don't know... a couple of my friends actually offered to act like we were on a date to try and make you jealous. Like I wanted to make you even more uncomfortable...

Anyway, just wanted to say that. It was good seeing you... especially since you looked so amazing in that outfit last night. :)
Her reply:
Quote:
Let me make this clear for you. I was thanking you as one human being to another (I thought the text about letting us know where you guys were was nice). I thought being civil when in the group would be best.

The whole drama about making me jealous is your thing and your friends. I’m more mature than that and rather not get sucked into your drama. You writing that to me makes me realize that you weren’t trying to do the mature thing and mingle with a great group with great activities (suck it up and take the higher road-do what’s common courtesy tells you like say hello).

My friends and I are about having a good time so that’s what I was doing. Not because of you (as I could care less about you or what you are doing or who you are doing it with or if you just left-that’s your choice) because Yvette deserved to have fun with the group (and I do too). Yvette wanted to hang out and get to know more of the New In Town group members so I told her my life does not stop because of you. You told me that it was ok if I wanted to do more New In Town group activities and it’s not like I needed your permission to do so. If Yvette wanted to eat at Fat Bob’s we should be able to with everyone. If Yvette wanted to have drinks with Shawna at Frizzies then we should be able to do so. If Yvette wanted to go to the drag show so we should be able to go with everyone.

I still stand behind what I said. I don’t want to talk to you. I was trying to be mature and you seem to blow it all out of proportion. I still feel the same as I did as when I wrote my last email about leaving me alone. I don’t think I need to repeat what I said. We are not friends nor do I want to be.

I will ignore you if there is a next time.
Don’t email me,
And my reply back...
Quote:
Hanh... I clearly suck at writing, I think I gave you the wrong idea with that...

The only thing I read into you wanting to say Hi was that maybe some of your anger had subsided and the lines of communication might be opening a little.

I only mentioned my friends' idea because I _didn't_ do it, and tried to be mature about everything. I couldn't say hello though... you _had_ to make the first move because you had told me never to contact you again. I didn't want to violate that.

I want you to have fun with the group too... I still feel bad that you left the group because of me, and missed the Ice Wine festival because I know you had been looking forward to it.

But like I said I was confused... I still don't know how to handle this stuff.

I'm sorry...
Author:  mrcoffee999888 [ Wed Feb 17, 2010 11:25 pm ]
Post subject: 
You know better than that sir.

This girl may be "above the game" and "Impervious to the neg" as Strauss so eloquently states.. However you are misinterpreting the situation in "The Game".

Even after the book was released, Lisa Leveridge admitted the only probable reason for attraction to Strauss was via methods revolving around pick up. She may have been able to counteract, and repel the OUTER game, but needy behavior is what you are portraying with the texts, messages, and in person.....

And PUA Community, "The Game" and All seduction aside, That will NEVER get the girl.

I'm dealing with a girl right now who is COMPLETELY impervious to any neg, or gambit, or DHV, purposely does not give me IOI's etc.. so you have to drop the act and be yourself.. But I can tell you, that if i were to start acting AFC on her... she'd be GONE in a heartbeat. Not only is it unattractive, it comes off creepy and needy to girls.

Confidence my friend. From now on... NO more acting like an AFC, Not only in PU, but All areas of your life. I can't think of a girl that is attracted to that type of behavior. OK, so drop the PUA act, but you still have to LIVE as a PUA. and part of that is not being her bitch.. The balls are in her court. And she's made it clear that she has no interest in speaking to you.

You either need to give her a reason (DHV) or cut the losses and move on.. I hate being right in this case, but what you are doing obviously doesn't work.

Keep us in the know bro.
Author:  Onoma [ Thu Feb 18, 2010 12:52 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
You know better than that sir.
Not really, I pretty much suck at this...
Quote:
This girl may be "above the game" and "Impervious to the neg" as Strauss so eloquently states.. However you are misinterpreting the situation in "The Game".

Even after the book was released, Lisa Leveridge admitted the only probable reason for attraction to Strauss was via methods revolving around pick up.
Didn't know that... However I'd state that Hanh is a little different. The thing is she's been hurt pretty badly, and a big part of her just doesn't trust or think any guy could actually care about her I think. Trying to make her jealous by flirting with other girls would just tell her that I never really cared, and justify what she believed.

Quote:
She may have been able to counteract, and repel the OUTER game, but needy behavior is what you are portraying with the texts, messages, and in person.....
I don't think I was acting needy in person last night. I just didn't interact with her much and tried to talk to and have fun with my friends. The text... I just replied to her honestly... I was confused. Never been in that situation before...

Messages... well, maybe. I don't know... is saying I wanted to say hi too, mirroring her sentiment, needy? Or admitting that I was thrown off and my friends were giving me advice?


Quote:
And she's made it clear that she has no interest in speaking to you.
Now, again... yes. But that's where I got confused. No interest in speaking to me would mean NOT texting me that she wanted to say hi. Wouldn't it?
Quote:
You either need to give her a reason (DHV) or cut the losses and move on.. I hate being right in this case, but what you are doing obviously doesn't work.

Keep us in the know bro.
Honestly doubt there's much to know at this point. I sent her a card apologizing for how I handled the breakup... went over it with my therapist and she seemed to think it was a good apology, and a reasonable maneuver. But that was all BEFORE last night so now it'll probably just piss her off more... :(
Author:  mrcoffee999888 [ Thu Feb 18, 2010 2:56 am ]
Post subject: 
This girl seems to be really getting you down..

I think if you followed my advice, you would surprise yourself..
Quote:
owever I'd state that Hanh is a little different. The thing is she's been hurt pretty badly, and a big part of her just doesn't trust or think any guy could actually care about her I think. Trying to make her jealous by flirting with other girls would just tell her that I never really cared, and justify what she believed.
Is that an issue? yes.. One that she must deal with? yes.. Would neglecting her (which is what she told you to do) slightly only verify that you never cared? Most certainly not
Quote:
I don't think I was acting needy in person last night. I just didn't interact with her much and tried to talk to and have fun with my friends. The text... I just replied to her honestly... I was confused. Never been in that situation before...



Messages... well, maybe. I don't know... is saying I wanted to say hi too, mirroring her sentiment, needy? Or admitting that I was thrown off and my friends were giving me advice?
Normally I would say, No not needy, but given that she requested that you not talk to her, The emails were kind of afc.. And she seemed to comment on that in her email "Let me make this clear for you. I was thanking you as one human being to another. I thought being civil when in the group would be best."

No need to say you're sorry, no need for anything, just let it go.


However, Do what you gotta do to be happy.. In this case, i think the best advice i can give you is to remove her from your life.. (which is a DHV).. and move on completely..

Find a girl who doesn't put you through this shit.. It's hard hard hard I know. But i can tell you that you will be much happier in the long run. you have a great source of info for making that happen in the very near future.

So.. Cut her out. no talking, not texting, to calling, no cards, no emails. Move on as best you can. Go out, read some material, and game at the clubs, stay busy.. If she changes her mind, she will let you know, then it's in your court if you even WANT to take her back at that point. If not, all the better.
Author:  saqchek [ Thu Feb 18, 2010 9:32 pm ]
Post subject: 
I apologize in advance for being rude, but are you mentally retarded? You are harassing this girl and you need to stop.


Quote:
Let me make this clear for you. I was thanking you as one human being to another (I thought the text about letting us know where you guys were was nice). I thought being civil when in the group would be best.

The whole drama about making me jealous is your thing and your friends. I’m more mature than that and rather not get sucked into your drama. You writing that to me makes me realize that you weren’t trying to do the mature thing and mingle with a great group with great activities (suck it up and take the higher road-do what’s common courtesy tells you like say hello).

My friends and I are about having a good time so that’s what I was doing. Not because of you (as I could care less about you or what you are doing or who you are doing it with or if you just left-that’s your choice) because Yvette deserved to have fun with the group (and I do too). Yvette wanted to hang out and get to know more of the New In Town group members so I told her my life does not stop because of you. You told me that it was ok if I wanted to do more New In Town group activities and it’s not like I needed your permission to do so. If Yvette wanted to eat at Fat Bob’s we should be able to with everyone. If Yvette wanted to have drinks with Shawna at Frizzies then we should be able to do so. If Yvette wanted to go to the drag show so we should be able to go with everyone.

I still stand behind what I said. I don’t want to talk to you. I was trying to be mature and you seem to blow it all out of proportion. I still feel the same as I did as when I wrote my last email about leaving me alone. I don’t think I need to repeat what I said. We are not friends nor do I want to be.

I will ignore you if there is a next time.
Don’t email me,
She says don't email her and what do you do? YOU SEND ANOTHER EMAIL!!!!

Get it through your fucking thick head this girl doesn't want to communicate with you and I can understand why. You actions are borderline psychotic and are creepy to the max. She was 100% accurate for leaving you because she thought you couldn't handle it, and your actions have proved her right for doing so? Why? Because you can't stop sending this girl emails/texts. Don't send a email to apologize, don't text her, just leave this girl alone. Not only are you making yourself a jackass to her, but she'll tell her friends you are a creepy/clingy/stalker dude who can't leave things alone.

I hate to be rude like this, but somebody needs to get this through to you bro. You are damaging your social image that could potentially destroy anything positive you have going on.

I want you to leave this girl alone. If she texts, ignore it, if she emails, ignore it. If she's in a social environment like the last, say hi if she's in the group you are talking to. Don't go out of your way to say hi, but don't avoid her if she's in your social circle group. Don't try to carry small talk with her, just be friendly, and move on to conversing with your other friends. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but you have to learn through your mistakes. She's not the end be all in women, and there are surely more to come that will in all likely hood be better. Live and learn. Just learn not to be so clingy and stop with all the "damage control" emails/texts, they eventually make you look worse in the long run.
Author:  jimbobday [ Thu Feb 18, 2010 10:22 pm ]
Post subject: 
Got to agree with everyone above. Dude no offense but what you have done is really creepy and needy (She specifically told you she doesn't want to talk to you or for you to email her). Next time this happens just don't be so needy and just ignore her. I have a general rule where I will only ever text/call/email a girl once after the first meet to set up the next one. I will sporadically not reply to Texts/calls/emails (This has worked so well I know have a girl from 4 years ago who is literally addicted to me/ will do anything I want). The best advice I can give now is the same as what the poster above said ignore her and read slys comments on page 6 of slys 10 things I wish someone had taught me thread about the The Ultimate Truth About Women!, he explains it beautifully.
Author:  mrcoffee999888 [ Fri Feb 19, 2010 12:09 am ]
Post subject: 
Yeah man, just take the advice and cut it out. She's doneskiez..

Move on
Author:  KristallNachte [ Fri Feb 19, 2010 12:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: From "Don't Contact Me" to "I wanted to s
Quote:
She basically told me she was scared that if we stayed together it would hurt too much when she left for boot camp.
you're trying to date a Marine?



HORRIBLE idea, dude.
Author:  Onoma [ Fri Feb 19, 2010 1:30 am ]
Post subject:  Re: From "Don't Contact Me" to "I wanted to s
Quote:
Quote:
She basically told me she was scared that if we stayed together it would hurt too much when she left for boot camp.
you're trying to date a Marine?



HORRIBLE idea, dude.
Army National Guard...

Not that it matters...


Saqchek

Is it really creepy to receive a text from someone and misake that to mean they might be willing to talk to you?

Complete news to me.

Yeah, I should have left the emails alone... but fuck, she misinterpreted my first one and I felt the need to explain myself. I know it was a mistake, but borderline psychotic?

It's not as if I'm stalking her or digging through her trash or some shit...
Author:  mrcoffee999888 [ Fri Feb 19, 2010 2:08 am ]
Post subject: 
Yeah.. I was sugar coating it.

It is creepy, you really just need to leave her alone.

the more you contact her, the more she will be turned off/contemplate police involvement.

You will probably disregard all of this info, but we all seem to be on the same page here. I highly suggest you follow our advice. you will thank us in the longrun.

it's a no go
Author:  Onoma [ Fri Feb 19, 2010 3:00 am ]
Post subject: 
No, no more contacting her.

But I'm sorry, if I tell someone I never want to talk to them again I DON'T text them to say I wanted to say hi. I continue not talking to them.

Just a thing I have I guess.
Author:  aflifer [ Fri Feb 19, 2010 3:54 am ]
Post subject: 
this girl is all over the map and probably a basketcase, cut your losses
Author:  Onoma [ Fri Mar 05, 2010 5:32 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
this girl is all over the map and probably a basketcase, cut your losses
You know what's funny? After all the guys calling me creepy and a borderline psycho... you're the one who nailed it.

Talked to my therapist about the situation a couple days ago, and it turns out Hanh's behavior is classic Borderline Personality Disorder. Basically I wasn't wrong to interpret her text as a desire to talk, and even emailing her was fine... my only mistake was telling her that my friends wanted to make her jealous. Apparently she's hypersensitive to anything she might perceive as her being unimportant or not special to me, like the possibility that I might have moved on.


I guess the question I should ask at some point, is does PUA offer anything for dealing with this kind of person? She's gone now, in the military for close to a year. Maybe when she gets back I won't care anymore, but I doubt it. She really is a great person aside from her issues... and frankly, given my own problems I think people like us need someone to give us a chance.
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