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How do I quickly grow a social network from scratch?
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Author:  Autobahn [ Wed Dec 02, 2009 3:48 pm ]
Post subject:  How do I quickly grow a social network from scratch?
So I've been lurking for a while. About a week straight. That is all I have been doing is reading PUA and aside from memorizing routines and sarging clubs and shit, which I will never ever do, I can safely say that I have the intuition to socialize with people. I don't think I need, nor do I want to resort to any boot camps and long, useless lectures like RSD's 4-day blue-something.

That being said I have no social experience whatsoever. In giving you some perspective and why I've come here of all places, I'll let you know that I'm 20, male (obviously), a freshman (I should be a sophomore age-wise, but screw that I like college) at an American university of 13,000, commuting (late application means straight to wait-list for on-campus dorms), have no close friends whom I can simply call up and chat with, have very distant friends from home that I can definitely reconnect with if duty (i.e. this social networking business) calls for it, and have no buds in college (fuuuck 15 min. commute).

So yeah, you could call this another rock-bottom post, insofar as to claim that I'm starting from scratch or something, but without the depression and hopelessness. What is motivating this huge ass post that many will breeze off? Optimistic desperation is the best way I can put it... begging the question for what am I optimistically desperate?

It should be obvious, but I will make it crystal clear. I want a hand full of really close male friends that I can chill, party, and study with, and that I can have for emotional support (inb4 faggot... shit *chan just slipped through) and general guidance. Throughout my life I have never had more than one or two close friends at a time, and I think it would be awesome to join a clan or a group of really close friends to support each other and share goals with. You should anticipate the next thing I'm going to mention. I want the social network that will constantly put me in contact or proximity to new people, because I see myself thoroughly enjoying meeting new people. I'd like my network also to be regionally focused, and not spread across the world, so that I feel like when I meet a new person on one of the branches of my network, I will feel an implicit regional bond with them.

If I could sum it into one sentence I'd have to say that I want to be apart of a small, very interconnected social network, and a large, sparely-connected but still regional network.

Two obvious measures to be taken have already sprung to mind. First, I need to work on myself. I have lived a large portion of my life as a prototypical introvert, and the emotional baggage (anxiety, aversion to parties, social fears) and dispositions (taciturn mood, not smiling... ever) associated with it, and I'm giving them an eviction notice right now. In order for them to "comply" I'm reading "The Power of Now", recommended by Sinn, and practicing the Tantric breathing (Power of the Cock and the Openness of the Heart stuff), recommended by Sean Messenger, constantly. This shouldn't be a big deal for me, as my desire for growth will trump any inner game problems I will face along the road. And I'm pretty good with introspection.

There is an argument that I only need to focus on my inner game to achieve my goal, but people let's be practical. You cannot deny the confidence that a haircut, grooming, and stylish, fitting clothes can give you immediately. I'm looking for expediency. Last week I had one of those life-changing experiences that I do NOT want to get into. It was very emotional and it gave me the horrid realization of my self-imposed limitations barring me from so many social pleasures that its not even funny. It's the source of my motivation and the reason I've been reading this stuff every waking hour for the past week.

Secondly, I'm going join clubs, sports, and get into a dormitory. Due to my inexperience, and despite my intuition, I am having a hard time deciding what to "do" right now. I'm thinking of the cliche suggesting me to go talk to a bunch of strangers in the hopes of getting a bunch of connections, but starting from nowhere I don't think that will be successful. And yet that is the only action I can think of that will produce immediate results. Also, I realize that the beginning will be the hardest, since I am starting with no friends, without any social proof. I have accepted that.

I'm just looking for some insight and reassurance, because this tension inside me will not go away and wants things right now and not a year down the road. Right now I don't care about my grades at all and it's shocking because last year I actually cried my eyes out in the fucking rain when I got a 67 on a Linear Algebra exam (got an A in that class just because I went to her office hours almost every week). I desperately wanted straight A's, and I got them. Fear motivated me, but now I just don't give a fuck anymore.

Thanks for reading guys ^.^
Author:  TheJ [ Wed Dec 02, 2009 4:16 pm ]
Post subject: 
I think you have set objectives for yourself and found a path to achieve them. So now just do it!

I would of recommended to join sport teams and clubs, and you seem to have that down, but one important tweek that I would make is to join something that actually interest you. Don't join a salsa club if you have no desire what so ever for salsa but thought it would be a good way to meet people.

So yeah, keep an open mind, and give people the benifit of the doubt.

Cheers and good luck!
Author:  Onoma [ Wed Dec 02, 2009 4:29 pm ]
Post subject: 
I had a fairly limited social network last spring, and some friends online pointed me towards meetup.com. Sounds like it might be what you're looking for. Basically people start up various groups/clubs focused on some interest or another and anyone can join.

You'll probably end up being good friends with a few people, and having a ton of acquaintances you see in various groups or just once in a while.
Author:  Ryan Black SashaPUA [ Wed Dec 02, 2009 5:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
Join clubs to do with stuff you're interested in.
Go to classes.

Talk to the people in these clubs and in your classes before and afterwards. Suggest going for a drink / lunch with people who seem fun and interesting.

Don't limit yourself to just making male friends. Make female friends too by gaming as usual, and then LJBFing THEM instead of sexually escalating past comfort.

In terms of guys, the easiest way to get on guys' good side is to just give them a quick compliment about something they're wearing, or their hairstyle or something. Then you can transition into sports / tv shows talk, and you can probably find some commonality. Once you find a commonality, link it to some plan in the future, e.g. "oh u like X team, well we should totally go to the next game / goto a bar and catch the game tomorrow night / you should come over I just got a new TV we can have a few beers and watch the game" etc. The way to make guys fucking LOVE you is, of course, to use your PUA skills to get them laid!

Read magazines and the net and find out about concerts, clubs, gallery openings, and other fun events and constantly tell people you're going with some friends to these things and they should come because it'll be fun. Go alone and sarge solo anyway even if nobody says yes. Even if one person says yes, go with them and say your friend(s) had to cancel if it comes up. Talk to the staff and promoters at bars and clubs, especially during off-peak hours on weekdays. It'll be slow and they'll have time to talk. You can then build a network of venues where you can get guestlists etc., which will help facilitate getting people to come out with you. What better offer than "hey me and my friends have guestlist for super trendy hip club X, you guys should come down."

Always be inviting people to come to stuff, and be the guy with the plan. As soon as you meet a few different people, introduce them to each other. Then get them to introduce you to their friends.

As soon as you have 20-30 people, have a party at your place (or hold a night at a bar or club if ur place sucks) and tell everyone to bring their friends too. People really enjoy parties that are celebrating SOMETHING in particular, and even better if they have a THEME. People love to dress up / get into character / role play at parties, and the THING you're celebrating gives a kind of motivation to the whole experience. Don't forget to take pictures!

Think about the kind of person you like seeing and want to be friends with. They are happy and cheerful, they usually are going out doing fun things, they facilitate things like introductions and social events, they know people, and they make you feel comfortable by being around them (i.e. they validate you through joking with you and giving you positive feedback e.g. compliments, etc). Be THIS guy, and you will build the social circle.
Author:  GirlCatcher [ Wed Dec 02, 2009 10:52 pm ]
Post subject: 
The fastest way to build a social circle is to go into a mixed set, win over some people in the group, get multiple numbers. Then become part of that group and then become the leader over time.
Author:  Autobahn [ Thu Dec 03, 2009 10:37 pm ]
Post subject: 
Hey sorry guys for the late reply. I had class, went to Gold's, and crashed last night. Shit I hate seeing the days pass by.

TheJ, finding things I'm interested and passionate in will be the hard part for me.
Onoma, meetup.com gives me a wierd vibe. It seems like it's predominantly for the older crowd. I feel like Facebook would be better for me, but I haven't used Facebook ever even though it's been around for years and years and years.
blondguy, thanks for the long reply. You've reinforced a bunch of things that were merely passing thoughts for me.
And GirlCatcher, there is no doubt that PUA skills will help me. It's why I've chosen to settle here.

I still don't feel capable. I feel motivated but unfocused. I chatted up two random guys at Best Buy about laptops, for god's sake. That won't get me anywhere. I have a strong feeling that being unfocused is a result of my shaky sense of identity. I have a hard time answering simple questions about myself with conviction. It's almost paradoxical that I have such a weak sense of self while having a strong ego. But I think the strong ego is a symptom of my teenaged social anxiety, while the weak sense of self one of its causes. So I'm going to attack the root by building my sense of self, my personal identity, which will not only make managing my social anxiety better, but will give me the direction to pursue my interests, which will lead me to my first friends.

And after I have built a solid network of friends at my college, I can nurture the branches and expand. This first step just seems so difficult and long, though. I've already mentioned that I'm impatient as f*ck. I not only have to get used to conversing with others, but also developing friendships. Small talk and relationships... hanging out and partying... text messaging and Facebook... all are very foreign to me. I'm mostly concerned about my Facebook with no friends >.<. I guess I'll get some guys from my High School to friend me I don't really care what they think of me anymore, I'm in a new area now haha...
Author:  Onoma [ Thu Dec 03, 2009 10:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Onoma, meetup.com gives me a wierd vibe. It seems like it's predominantly for the older crowd.
Ouch... :(

It can depend on the group and the area. One of the girls here didn't like some of the groups she tried back in her home town. I'm not terribly sure about the age range, though it wouldn't be a surprise if it consists mostly of people out of college. It gets harder to make friends once you're not associating with tons of different people in classes and such.
Quote:
I feel like Facebook would be better for me, but I haven't used Facebook ever even though it's been around for years and years and years.
Facebook is best used for people you already know.
Author:  Guidosaurus Wrecks [ Thu Dec 03, 2009 10:58 pm ]
Post subject: 
I know what ur talking about, I commute also, never had many friends in high school, but had alot of friends less then an hour away. Rebuilding a social network from scratch sounds like a daunting task but in reality its alot easier then it seems. I went from having no friends to being in a tight group of 7 with branches all over campus. Heres what you gotta do.

1. Stay on campus after classes. This is a big one, because most commuters tend to rush home as soon as class is over and miss out on the social experience that comes from the college community.

2. Get involved! Regardless of how silly the club or organization is join it and meet people! You have to take that step out of your comfort zone to meet new people and this is a sure fire way to meet new people with similar interests as you.

3. Study groups. I know it sounds lame but forming a quick group of 2-3 guys or girls to study for a test is a quick way to bond and form sometime of relationship with them.

4. Don't go to class and just not talk! I was (and still am) the loudest kid in my writing comp class. I turned the whole room from a wait for the teacher boredom, to a mini cafeteria for socialization. Students are alot more social then you think. Don't think that your alone in your efforts for new friends.

5. Smile. When walking around campus, smile at people, light eye contact and a "hey hows it going" might seem weird to you, but thats what people do when they know each other! When you see someone from your class around campus don't hide, make yourself known!

Best of luck out there. Determination will lead you to new friends.
Author:  GodMode [ Fri Dec 04, 2009 12:35 am ]
Post subject: 
Just get out there and be proactive. If you go into looking to improve, then you have a making of a jedi PUA. Practice and tweaking is all there is to this game. Forget all the lessons and crap guides. Learn what works and doesn't. You will proabably eventuallly find that what they said in the material was right, but you need to learn it first by experience. Try different things in different social interactions.
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