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| Author: | AriZona [ Sun Nov 29, 2009 1:55 am ] |
| Post subject: | About to start... |
Last night I got my hair cut with my brother, call him Chris, at a salon. I wanted to get a masculine hair cut, and told him I wanted to just go down to a local barber shop that I heard good things about. He told me "Man, if you don't want a feminine looking hair cut, just get it all shaved off. A guy needs to look a little feminine." Obviously, he believes that women have some narcissistic attraction to feminine qualities in men. I certainly don't believe this. I think he is wrongly characterizing biological fitness as femininity. He labeling certain biologically fitting characteristics like clear skin, symmetrical features, and thick (existing..) hair as feminine characteristics, when in reality women are attracted to them in men because it tells their reptilian brains that the men don't have some sort of disease or deformity. Seriously, health =/= femininity, Chris. Anyway, I'm digressing. I ended up getting a typical short hair cut long enough that she didn't have to use the razor. And while we were getting our hair cut, the fat chick who was cutting Chris' hair told him that he looked older than me. As he told me this, it got me really pissed off. Of course, I didn't let him notice this. A bunch of excuses started to flood my mind... he is two inches taller then me (I'm 6-2)... I'm wearing braces and he isn't... I hold myself in a less dominantly than him... I am less friendly and quieter than him... I don't text on my phone at all, while he texts to his friends constantly... He is noticeably stronger than me with a lot more muscle, and is about 40 pounds heavier than me. He has 5% body fat, and I'm just getting over being "skinny fat" (I've been strength training and adapting a new diet for about a month now). It's all ok because I get good grades, right? No, I'm clearly incomplete, since I have no social life and haven't had a girlfriend since the 10th grade. I just want my social problems to go away as quickly as possible. I have already stopped masturbating to increase my testosterone levels, so I will "feel" more masculine psychologically, and to reorient myself to women. I was addicted to porn, but now it disgusts me for its lack of intimacy. I've also been reading gunwitch's "get laid, not liked" website and he presents some good ideas. I'm going to start setting aside some serious amount of time to walk around and start conversations with people in the way he explains. Seeing as I might not get anywhere with that, I'm also going to join a club and a sport at the university. I need hobbies, I need to do things other than school. FFS. I've got to start getting more comfortable around people, since loneliness and not being able to approach that girl I had a really huge crush on at a week-long class I took outside of school, and being forced to never see her again after the last day because I was too much of a coward to ask for her number, even after having talked and laughed with her the past week... really fucking hurts. The week-long class is a story in itself. I cried the night that class ended. It happened recently, and as the days slip away, I'm filled with more and more regret. That girl gave me the motivation to reject the fact that I'm at "rock-bottom" and get pissed off over it. She's the reason I'm posting here. Short Version: Whining about not looking old or masculine enough. Explaining why I think I don't look old or masculine enough. Failing to articulate my situation because I have no idea how to express friendlessness and loneliness as a person with an ego who has coped with this for about 6 years now. Explaining my plan to pull myself out of the hole I've created. Expressing a lack of faith in my plan. Implicitly asking you for a solid plan. Crying over a cute girl who made me realize my Ego's inconsistency and therefore how much I fail at getting what I want. Wishing I had started this SO MUCH earlier. |
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