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Unable to Have Sex
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Author:  Onoma [ Sun Aug 23, 2009 7:25 am ]
Post subject:  Unable to Have Sex

Ok, so I've been seeing this girl for about a week and tonight we ended up back at my place... in my bed.

I seem to have a problem, I can't reach full arousal when I'm with someone. I've had 3 opportunities at sex, and not once have I reached full arousal and been able to actually complete the deed. I'm not impotent, I can get it up to jerk off, and was even hard before we started making out just from being next to her and making the first couple moves. It was just once we got to the point that clothes were coming off I kind of lost the excitement.

I don't know if it's performance anxiety or what, but it's seriously pissing me off... has anyone else had this problem? What can I do about it? Is it just a confidence thing?

Author:  xibuz [ Sun Aug 23, 2009 7:56 am ]
Post subject: 

Are you virgin?

The problem could be placing too much importance on sex, and "your dick gets nervous" in a way. Virgin also, but just as common sense I wouldn't try for sex unless I have a raging hard-on already to go.

But what I know will help is to just enjoy the art of cuddling first. Not like as foreplay but just to relax and get very physically comfortable with each other. It is possible to cuddle w/o sex just for fun, but if there is sexual tension and u both know you want it, both your hands will begin to wander and you'll be making out passionately and touching each others junk before u kno it. Sex is implied but you're not trying for it. You're letting it progress naturally and you can't not have a pulsating boner in full body skin to skin contact like this.

Author:  Kalel [ Sun Aug 23, 2009 8:26 am ]
Post subject: 

Well you might have some shame or guilt associated to sex in your mind. If you feel guilty about sex, your mind will sabotage you. I've heard posts before where guys say that the guilt from using "game" on a woman has caused similar problems. Could be a fear of intimacy as well. Like you are afraid to be vulnerable around women, so being naked and having sex makes you feel very vulnerable, and you are intimidated by it. Could be some limiting beliefs that you pickup as a child. Like you were raised to be religiously chaste or treat women overly respectful.
It could be a lot of things.

Tony Robbins had a saying: "No matter how negative the self-sabotage, your brain has a positive reason for doing it.". Whatever the reason you brain is stopping you from getting an erection, it has a positive reason for doing it. It's trying to avoid some form of pain (real, potential, or imaginary), all you have to do is figure out what pain your brain thinks it will feel if you have sex. What could possibly be the negative byproduct of you having sex, for your mind. Only you can answer these questions. But once you figure out the source you can work on it. Also, you have to be honest to yourself, admit the reason no matter how weird or ridiculous it might be (because it most likely will be illogical).

Author:  Crowd [ Sun Aug 23, 2009 11:07 am ]
Post subject: 

Now, I'm not saying that this chick isnt a 10, because I haven't seen her. But are you outrageously attracted to her? Do you jerk it to the thought of fucking her? (sorry, have to ask) The reason I ask is because I have done my fair share of dirty deeds with women that are less than attractive (sad but true...the booze helped), and the only way I could reach climax was by imagining that I was fucking a much hotter chick. If she isn't good looking, your going to have to use your imagination! It's amazing how much the imagination can affect you during sex!

Otherwise, if she is good looking. Do you watch a lot of porn? I ask because, for me, regular foreplay, non-aggressive passes, unskilled sex, and most of all, missionary, is boring. I've watched enough porn and had enough experience to tell good from bad, exciting from dull, and am now able to take control of the situation to make it more...fulfilling. So if porn is the basis for your comparison (which it unfortunately is in my case), many experiences may feel as though they are lacking in excitement. (I've heard this is actually a diagnosed condition now?)

I hope I've said something helpful. You'll get this figured out my man!

Edit:

What you can do about this is learn great positions and make yourself familiar with excellent foreplay. (Get a bottle of soda and a cup of ice cubes. Get back to me on how you decided to use this combo....if you tell me you drank icy soda, I'll be very upset! :D ) Askmen.com is a good site that I've been going to for years. There are some b/s stories, but in between them, there are some helpful hints. Spice it up! Make sure that it doesn't get boring. Role play, spank, smack (love it when a girl hits me...is that weird?!), bite, use her dildo on her, etc.!

Author:  Gavin Dance [ Sun Aug 23, 2009 6:53 pm ]
Post subject: 

That's something I experienced in some kind a way, too.
First 2-3 times having Sex my dick lost hardness kinda soon, like in some minutes, there's nothing more embarassing than this, thank god it was with a girlfriend. :D
I think with more and more expierience this problem will go away, it's very possibly a problem of nervousity, anxiety. Just try not to think of your dick, trying to force it to get hard, that's kinda art the first times, though.

Ah and best is to not do much foreplay, but hard thing when your with 'new' girls, making you look too nasty.

Good luck.

Author:  Onoma [ Tue Aug 25, 2009 1:28 am ]
Post subject: 

Quote:
But what I know will help is to just enjoy the art of cuddling first. Not like as foreplay but just to relax and get very physically comfortable with each other. It is possible to cuddle w/o sex just for fun, but if there is sexual tension and u both know you want it, both your hands will begin to wander and you'll be making out passionately and touching each others junk before u kno it. Sex is implied but you're not trying for it. You're letting it progress naturally and you can't not have a pulsating boner in full body skin to skin contact like this.

I guess jumping into the response here because all the responses seem to have part of the problem in them. This is basically what we did... it was well over halfway into the movie when we started kissing even. The next morning too, we cuddled for a long time and slowly started making out. I was hard for a bit, I pulled her on top of me but then it started shutting down... :(

There were a couple times where I felt ready, but as we got closer to actually doing it I guess I got more nervous about it... then nervous about getting nervous about it. Then angry and annoyed... so yeah...

Kalel Could be some kind of limiting belief. Sometimes it almost feels like sex is just something that happens to other people, or maybe only in movies or something. How do you get past something like that?

Author:  Kalel [ Tue Aug 25, 2009 7:33 am ]
Post subject: 

Quote:
Could be some kind of limiting belief. Sometimes it almost feels like sex is just something that happens to other people, or maybe only in movies or something. How do you get past something like that?
Well there is no real easy answer. NLP is very very helpful. Since the problem is based on your mind's visualizations, changing how you visualize situations is the best way it fix it. Mirror affirmations can do wonders as well. I am a huge proponent of Tony Robbins, and he does three things that I think could help, they are: the dickens pattern, swish patterns, and pattern interrupts.

Dickens pattern (name based on a Christmas Tale by Charles Dickens):
The idea behind this NLP pattern is too apply enough pain toward staying the same, that your brain has no choice but to change, because staying the same would feel too painful. Basically you have to picture times in the past where, being the way you are, affected your life negatively. Then you have to picture how, being the way you are, affects you life negatively now. Then picture yourself five years in the future, and how bad you feel for not changing. Then 10 years, then 20, then fifty, and finally how would you feel if you were to die and you never did anything to change. This visualization will prime your mind to be completely open to change, and will motivate you immensely.

Swish pattern:
Picture yourself now, as you are when you feel at your worst and most embarrassed. Make the picture large in your mind. Now picture the "fixed" version of you off in the distance. Notice how much better that version of you is. Notice all the confidence and strength, and the complete lack of your problem. Now in your head play some odd and funny music as the soundtrack to the visualization. Finally, like a slingshot shooting the strong image of yourself into the foreground, bring the picture of you close to you in your mind, let it knock away the negative picture of you and encompass your mind's eye. While you are doing this, say "swish", or whatever phrase you choose. This word will be an anchor for whenever doubt or weakness reenters your mind, just say your word and all the positivity will return as well. Repeat this process as needed.

Pattern interrupts:
People tend to allow negativity to enter there minds and completely take over. We do it so often that they become unconscious habits and we don't notice or even realize we can control them. The answer is to interrupt ourselves every time we notice we are giving into negative thoughts. We do so by doing something so odd or incongruent to the feelings associated to the thoughts, that way we kind of snap ourselves out of our own negativity. Like if you start being really down on yourself and start thinking about reasons why you wont succeed at something (<-limiting beliefs), do something weird like: get a goofy smile and start laughing, reach up and honk your nose like a clown, slap yourself in a funny way, say something funny to yourself, or anything else that seems odd. Then after you've snapped out of thinking negatively, think of whatever you were thinking about but in a positive way. Instead of thinking about all the ways you could fail, think of all the ways you could succeed. If you do this process consistently enough, it will become difficult to think negatively, thinking positively will become your new default mode.



I know these techniques seem odd, but they are very effective when done properly.
Also these techniques are a lot better when you hear them on tape from Tony Robbins himself, and he walks you through them step by step, seeing as how he is professional trained in NLP and has invented some of these techniques. But I did the best I could to explain them.

Author:  Impact [ Tue Aug 25, 2009 7:54 am ]
Post subject: 

You need to fuck her like you want to fuck her, be the animal she wants you to be, and do it how u wanna do it!

i feel like shes put too many restrictions on how you should move towards intimacy or, perhaps your simply not attracted to her enough.

I always go for a chick with hot feet, that's my fetish that i get off on :)! I dont shag girls with crappy feet or legs..

dunno why.. but everyone has a fetish.. boobs, ass, tits, eyes.. find yours, and make sure ure girl has it.

Author:  Workaholic [ Tue Aug 25, 2009 9:21 am ]
Post subject: 

It can be one of many things, look through the list and assess which could be your downfall and then attempt to correct it.

1) Stress : work, college which is focusing your mind elsewhere constantly and building anxiety about just about everything in your life.

2) Energy: Are you mentally drained? Are you not getting enough sleep, partying out most nights? Training working you too hard?

3) Hormone disorder: Lack of testosterone-diet can help

4) Lifestyle: alcohol and drugs, obesity, cigarette smoking

5) Virgin: pressure to perform (heard her ex was Pete North and feel like you have to meet the standards), pressure from friends.

If it is none of these go to your doctor, as there are many causes that can be medically treated.

Author:  Sinn [ Tue Aug 25, 2009 2:55 pm ]
Post subject: 

I had a similar issue when I first started getting into sexual situations with girls around 19.

A lot of students have reported similar things, my guess is it's sexual anxiety as that's what it's been for every student of mine under 38.

The solution is two fold.

You need to educate yourself about sex as much as possible before hand. I recommend the Guide To Getting it On. As Juvenile as the title sounds it's very well written and not overly academic about anatomy and issues such as your having. It was a lifesaver for me at 19.

Secondly you might want to try to make it as similar as possible to your masterbating conditions. This sounds weird I know, but this helped me a lot with this issue and not being able to climax for the first couple of times I had sex. It may help to move your hand(where the girl can't see obviously) and imagine it's just you.

Also if there are ways you can physically relax yourself arousal will be easier, try setting a mood with music, and lots of foreplay.

Lastly, don't be afraid to talk to the girl about how she's so sexy it makes you nervous, and allow her to help you through this. Communication is key as she may ask if there's anything she can do to help.

You can get through this stuff ( as I did and many others have) you just have to admit there's a problem and be proactive about it.

You'd be amazed how many instructors are out there with sexual anxiety and ignore it. They're great in field but they NEVER close. Like 7-11 :)

Just my 2 Cs if there's some sort of health or mental issue I'm unaware of than ignore it and get help on that front.

JS

Author:  Onoma [ Tue Aug 25, 2009 10:12 pm ]
Post subject: 

Oh good. Apparently my confidence was getting too high, and the universe once again decided to kick me down. She just dumped me. Well, LJBF'd me, I guess. Said she's been seeing someone else and liked him better.

Gee... I wonder why?

Author:  Athar [ Tue Aug 25, 2009 10:41 pm ]
Post subject: 

He doesn't need to be a virgin for this to be an issue. I get the same problem with condoms. I have a hard on and ready to go, girl goes "wait, you gotta put on a condom", cock goes down immediately.

Author:  Draconic8 [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 2:09 am ]
Post subject: 

I'm curious. Say for argument's sake you took a Viagra? Wouldn't that theoretically force you to have an erection regardless of what your brain is trying to toss in your way.

The last time this happened to me, I just had to get it done once and it was was all down hill from there. Never took any drugs, but I'm curious to know if that would work. :shock:

Author:  Kalel [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 3:02 am ]
Post subject: 

Quote:
Oh good. Apparently my confidence was getting too high, and the universe once again decided to kick me down. She just dumped me. Well, LJBF'd me, I guess. Said she's been seeing someone else and liked him better.

Gee... I wonder why?
Don't let it get to you. If you let this get to you, you will just make the problem and your game worse. You have to get right back on that horse and meet someone else, otherwise you will go into a downward spiral.

Author:  expat_of_love [ Wed Aug 26, 2009 4:05 am ]
Post subject: 

Find a prettier girl. That should do the trick. Most guys on here usually finish before they get to the bedroom. You are the first who can't finish period. My advice is to find a new one. She, at best, has bad karma. Plenty of fish in the sea.

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