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Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
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Author:  ShinRa [ Sun May 24, 2015 1:50 am ]
Post subject:  Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
Huge connection with this girl. We met a bunch of times and had some very intense sex.

Recently, in our communication (I am far away at the moment), she throws in the comment of us being "different", often in the passing.

At first I ignored the comment completely, thinking that if I had addressed it, I might have broadcasted a feeling of insecurity, as if I needed to "convince" her. Although now I am thinking differently, maybe addressing it, maybe playing with it (agree and exaggerate) but anchoring in a positive connotation to the thing.

My gut feeling would be to say something on the line of: "We're less different than you think, that's why we can connect so deeply". But I have the feeling this sounds quite mellow.

An other approach would be to confirm that we are deeply different and then tell her something on the line of: "How boring would it be to be always around people the same as us. You need differences to actually grow and get enriched".

The last approach would be to go on ignoring these comments. I have to add that she keeps saying how much she longs in her life for the kind of connection she had with me, that I undress her thoughts, and she even said that my last email made her cry.


We parted with a farewell, and maybe she's trying to ask for more without wanting to risk to actually say that and be rejected. And I don't want to give in the signal of any sort of commitment first, I want her to qualify and do a bit more work.
Author:  Mr. Assertive [ Sun May 24, 2015 2:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
Just ignore it and keep making her fall in love with you. She will be yours in no time. Don't change it up, keep doing what you're doing.
Author:  ImPhilosopher [ Sun May 24, 2015 11:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
yes start ignoring her. Let her invest in you. Don't ignore her directly you have to say something that is very important and keep your conversation short. Don't give her satisfaction.
Author:  ShinRa [ Sun May 24, 2015 12:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
Thanks to both of you. You are both basically saying to make her do some work.
Quote:
Just ignore it and keep making her fall in love with you.
Quote:
Let her invest in you.
How do I make her unbalance a bit more towards me? Make some more work, qualify herself and basically ask for the next step? I believe this "we are different" bullshit is a defence mechanism, by which she's keeping her distance and safety. In this way, she can say all the things she wants (like that I made her cry, that she felt a strong connection, that I undress her thoughts, and so on…), but always back off with "but we are so different".

I almost feel like it's a trap. I feel like she's saying all those things to make me feel comfortable enough to do one more step towards her, and then she's gonna say: "No, sorry, we are too different."

That is why I need her to do the extra step and unbalance herself. And that's also why I thought of agreeing and exaggerating in a similar way that you do with LMR: you address the objection before she has the opportunity to make it. In LMR, you would say something like: "We can meet, but we're not going to have sex". In this case, I could amplify her feeling, casually mentioning that "we are too different" or that "it would never work between us". Although I feel that might be too much and counterproductive.

Any feedback is welcome.
Author:  Dragula [ Sun May 24, 2015 12:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
Every girl assumes you're a pussy slayer if you get into her pants and they usually justify it to their friends that you were 'different'

Just ignore that shit and be modest.

Please don't tell her to meet you 'and not have sex' you can really turn off game mode at this point. Let her think what she thinks.
Author:  ShinRa [ Sun May 24, 2015 3:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
From my experience, you can never turn off Game mode. I was in a three years long relationship and I thought I could turn off Game mode but, boy, was I mistaken.

The "let's meet and not have sex" was just an example of how you deal with LMR before you had sex the first time. I was trying to transpose that knowledge to this situation. The concept being that, instead of trying to use my rational mind to tell her we are not too different, I do agree that we are different and could never work between us, but still keep it escalating.
Quote:
Every girl assumes you're a pussy slayer if you get into her pants and they usually justify it to their friends that you were 'different'
Could you elaborate how is that a justification to their friends that we were "different"? Logically, shouldn't it be the opposite way?

Thanks for the reply by the way.
Author:  Dragula [ Sun May 24, 2015 3:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
I turned game mode in my 3 year LTR. As long as you get busy and focus on shit and things just autocorrect by themselves. It's pretty obvious to realise if you have a boring routine. I just think there is better ways to "game" than telling girls they are not getting sex...

Girls are just girls. Every guy they hook up with has 'something about them' that made them put out so she feels less judged.

I'm really not sure what you're trying to solve here to be honest. It's like you're creating barriers for yourself lol
Author:  ShinRa [ Sun May 24, 2015 11:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
Thanks for the explanation.

Perhaps I am putting barriers in front of myself, or perhaps I haven't been clear enough in describing the problem I am trying to solve. I am going to try and clarify further: I feel like what she's saying are obviously huge indicators of interests, but it seems as if she wants to put a "but" at the end of them, as to have a way out, sort of.

I feel as if she's reeling me in to do the next step, and once I do unbalance towards her, she's going to back out with the "we are different" excuse, putting me on the spot.

Hopefully this is a bit more clear. Thanks again.
Author:  Versalis [ Mon May 25, 2015 12:23 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
You're half right. Turn what you see as negative framing into positive. Yes, you're different in a complimentary way.
Author:  ShinRa [ Mon May 25, 2015 2:13 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
Quote:
You're half right. Turn what you see as negative framing into positive. Yes, you're different in a complimentary way.
Would you say this applies as a general advice when these kind of things come up?

This was what I wanted to do. However, my doubt is: by turning the negative frame into positive, even if you do, doesn't it mean that you subscribe to the frame? Aren't you letting her decide the frame?
Author:  Eddie Fews [ Mon May 25, 2015 1:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
Both of those responses are you qualifying yourself.

Not necessary.

If a girl told me we're different with a negative tone.. I would just say.. "So? "

Cause so the fuck what? Who cares. Theres chemistry and we're rocking out. If it doesn't work, let time tell it. But in the mean time ride the car until the wheels fall off if thats what you choose to do.
Author:  PatrickAnanda [ Mon May 25, 2015 2:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
Quote:
Huge connection with this girl. We met a bunch of times and had some very intense sex.

Recently, in our communication (I am far away at the moment), she throws in the comment of us being "different", often in the passing.

At first I ignored the comment completely, thinking that if I had addressed it, I might have broadcasted a feeling of insecurity, as if I needed to "convince" her. Although now I am thinking differently, maybe addressing it, maybe playing with it (agree and exaggerate) but anchoring in a positive connotation to the thing.

My gut feeling would be to say something on the line of: "We're less different than you think, that's why we can connect so deeply". But I have the feeling this sounds quite mellow.

An other approach would be to confirm that we are deeply different and then tell her something on the line of: "How boring would it be to be always around people the same as us. You need differences to actually grow and get enriched".

The last approach would be to go on ignoring these comments. I have to add that she keeps saying how much she longs in her life for the kind of connection she had with me, that I undress her thoughts, and she even said that my last email made her cry.


We parted with a farewell, and maybe she's trying to ask for more without wanting to risk to actually say that and be rejected. And I don't want to give in the signal of any sort of commitment first, I want her to qualify and do a bit more work.
Why are you worried about broadcasting a feeling of insecurity if you are not insecure? If you are, there's a bigger issue.

Also, you DO need to convince her - that's exactly what she needs from you.

Men need to understand this! Women are not fucking with you just to fuck with you. All this testing stuff - it's not because she wants to mess with you and you have to be on your guard constantly. Jesus this community ruins minds.

Men and women are working TOGETHER

You see, most guys who get into this community think it's some kind of battle (just read through how many posts sound like guys are dying in the trenches by the millions). They are always on the defensive, waiting for the next shit test and so, never quite relaxing into their masculinity. As a result of never being able to relax, they always seek the next fix - the next routine to keep her interested, the best answer to her shit test so she doesn't lose attraction, the newest sex product to keep her around. Sound familiar? Yeah, drug addicts.

Understand: Women test you because she needs to FEEL your masculinity. She needs to feel the deep masculine strength that holds you up, and that will also ensure you can one day hold her (and your future children) up as well. She needs to know your masculinity so that she can come to know her own feminity. If you want more explanation on this, ask me.

So as per your predicament: she doesn't give a shit that you're different. She wouldn't have slept with you and opened up to you if it really mattered. She wants to know that YOU care. She wants to hear you say that it's going to be okay and be able to feel that you are speaking your truth.

Men: Women do not want you to fix their problems. They don't want you to try and solve everything for them. Let them have their emotional highs and lows. They just want to know that when things get too hard and they want to put their arms down for a bit, you'll be there to carry the load. Usually, all that takes is to look deep into her eyes and say "Baby, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay because I will make it okay". Then, only then, can she smile and relax, knowing she can fully trust you.

With love and respect
Mack
Author:  Versalis [ Mon May 25, 2015 9:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Insisting on being "different": address it or ignore it?
Quote:
Would you say this applies as a general advice when these kind of things come up?

This was what I wanted to do. However, my doubt is: by turning the negative frame into positive, even if you do, doesn't it mean that you subscribe to the frame? Aren't you letting her decide the frame?
That's how I handle things. I don't worry about who said what. If it's useful to me, I'll go along with it. If it's not useful to me, I'll shift it so it is. There's really wrong with her thinking we're different. So long as she sees different as a good thing.

If her frame is "Damn, ShinRa, you're sexy and I want to get you alone, right now", would you be like "But that's her frame...NO! 'We're going to go get Sushi :/' ". Hopefully, no. Any frame that's good for you, go for. Doesn't matter who started it.

Good recent example. I said we should grab something to eat and said I had a Mexican place in mind. She objected and said she didn't want anything spicy. Now rather than say "But they have plenty of food that isn't spicy" I just said "Yeah, ok. We don't need to go there. Hmmm, there is another place that has good Mexican food and it isn't very spicy at all. They have really good fish tacos that I think you'd like". "Oh, cool! Yeah that sounds good". That worked just fine for her. As you can probably guess, it was the same place(I never said the name).

It's generally better to agree with someone and then literally contradict what they just said than it is to object with a directly relevant retort. Stupid, but true.
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