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falling in love with a friend
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Author:  thittato [ Mon Aug 25, 2014 1:32 pm ]
Post subject:  falling in love with a friend
Hello,

I've falled in love with a female friend of mine. We became friends 4-5 months ago, and I wasn't interested in dating at that point because I was emotionally recovering from my previous relationship which was quite challenging. However, I've gotten interested in women again, and 1,5 month ago I actually fell for this friend of mine. Didn't know what to do about this, but I've tried to increase my flirting with her, to which she responds positively. It has now gotten to the point where she visits me at night where we are watching movies together and she is sitting next to me with me holding my arm around her. She makes sounds that she likes me holding around her, and she says that she enjoys very much hanging out with me etc, her comfort increasing when we sit under the same blanket etc. However, even though she allows me holding around her, she doesn't give much back. Once when we were drunk I even asked if I could kiss her, to which she responded "let us not go there," still, she keeps contacting me a lot, coming to my place in the evenings/ at night when we are alone. Our interaction has been spiced up with a lot more mutual flirting, but still, something seems to be holding her back from giving me any kind of conformation on whether she sees me as more than just a friend. Am I just a buddy to her? Or is she not sure? Does she have any emotional blockage of any kind? Is she waiting for me to make it clearer that I'm into her? I'm feeling a bit clueless her.
Author:  CharlesFinley [ Mon Aug 25, 2014 1:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Don't be thick. She's into you.

1) Don't ask to kiss her. Just kiss her.

2) Don't tell her you like her or love her or want to date her. SHOW her you like her or love her or want to date her.

Seriously - read those two statements 50 times... then read them another 50 times. Particularly the second one.

You'll fuck it up if you do it any other way.
Author:  TheBoMaster7000 [ Wed Aug 27, 2014 1:10 am ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Definitely agree with CharlesFinley on this, especially that first statement, don't ask to kiss her. This kinda makes you seem like a bit of a pussy. Real men don't ask permission to take what they want, they just take it. (Please don't interprit that in a rapey way lol) You should have just gone in for the kiss and if she moved away or rejected it, don't say sorry for it, shrug it off. You could even make a joke out of it, e.g. "You should really work on giving clearer signals, you're difficult to read haha". Believe me she would respect you more for it this way rather than asking her permission to kiss her.

Also, if I were you I would start surrounding myself with women because it sounds like you're coming down with a bad case of oneitis. What's keeping you from escalating with this girl is your emotions towards her. This is causing you to be afraid to escalate in case you mess up and lose the opportunity to have a relationship with a girl you really care about, however, this is just working against you. Start surrounding yourself with lots of women and try to dettach yourself from this girl emotionally. Believe me it will only work in your favour as it will make it a lot easier to escalate and really take it to the next level.

Good luck bro, hope I helped!
Author:  Xoved [ Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
I once fell for my best friend. We happened to be drunk one night and we hooked up. We kept hooking up constantly. The moment I told her that I liked her, I lost her.

Don't express your emotions. She will do so after a while.

You either make a move, or move on. End of story.
Author:  thittato [ Wed Aug 27, 2014 4:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Thank you so much for helpful responses. I find it really hard to take it further with her because of my emotions towards her. How much time do you think I have? I keep pulling away from her, waiting for her to contact me again. Perhaps this is good game, because I'm certainly not acting like someone who is too intense, but still, it feels to me as lack of assertiveness as well. Actually I pull away because it is pretty exhausting to experience all these emotions towards her, so I pull back to sort of re-load, start of afresh again. I keep seeking out to company of other woman a lot these days, is it wise to tell them that I'm in love with this particular woman? I keep doing it in order to get their perspectives and their emotional support, share deep conversations with female friends, and revealing that I'm in love is a quick way of having a deep and meaningful conversation. However, it clearly states that I'm not into them, and that prevents any flirt from developing, which perhaps would have been good, but, really I'm only into this particular woman so I don't really care so much. Hanging out with other woman gives me more confidence no matter what, but should I seek more out of it than just friendship, deep conversations and emotional support?

I also told my male friend that I met her through that I was into her, and he could tell that she had told him she had realized I was interested in her. When he asked: Are you sure? She said: Yes. Immediately after that conversation she initiated a lot of contact towards me, so defently seems like she is interested in trying to figure out if there is something between us.

We go to a improtheater group together on mondays, and this monday when I arrived she came up to me and was touching my hair, letting her fingers slide through it, but later that evening when I try to hold around her, I get nothing back, and I stop doing it, and those sort of "passive agreeings but not giving anything back" really takes the courage from me, and I pull back to recover/reload my currage and trying not to seem too intense.
Author:  Hunter_Foxe [ Wed Aug 27, 2014 4:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Express your heartfelt emotions and love for her... with your penis.

Shut up and let your dick do the talking.
Author:  CharlesFinley [ Wed Aug 27, 2014 4:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Quote:
I keep seeking out to company of other woman a lot these days, is it wise to tell them that I'm in love with this particular woman?
You can't be serious.

Quote:
I'm only into this particular woman so I don't really care so much.
This is your problem. You have bad oneitis here and you're going to let it wreck you while you sit around waiting for this girl to make up her mind. Don't be that guy.

You're not going to listen to this advice anyway - but for what it's worth - date and fuck other women. Lots of them. Text 10 of them a day. Flirt your face off. Your oneitis will eventually die down in your mind.

Quote:
I also told my male friend that I met her through that I was into her, and he could tell that she had told him she had realized I was interested in her. When he asked: Are you sure? She said:
Stop telling people about her. It's sad and lame. Nobody cares you love her (seriously... maybe you do. Nobody else does. Nobody). It's also gotten back to her... Which freaks her the fuck out and whether you want to believe it or not - IT IS THE REASON SHE'S ACTING FUCKING WEIRD AND COLD AROUND YOU... See my first reply to your thread, in which I said:
Quote:
2) Don't tell her you like her or love her or want to date her. SHOW her you like her or love her or want to date her.

Seriously - read those two statements 50 times... then read them another 50 times. Particularly the second one.
You didn't tell her directly, but she found out.

This isn't even pickup that you're asking about. It's puppy love. If you want actual advice from actual people who have been here and done this and gone through what you're going through before then here it is.
Author:  thittato [ Thu Aug 28, 2014 9:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Hahha!! That's a pretty strong reply... ;-)

But yes, this is building up to a bad oneitis. Glad there is such a thing as a diagnosis for that.

Anyways, there is another hot woman coming to visit me tomorrow, wanting to hang out with me for the day. I won't tell her about this oneitis-thing, and I'll be more flirtatious, playful and physical. That is probably THE major thing I need to tune into since women already enjoy hanging out with and conversating with me.

I hope I can view this all as just some start-up problems, as I haven't been interested in women for the last 1,5 years since me and my ex broke up, but was heavily into dating before that relationship...

Anyways, thank you all so much :-)
Author:  CharlesFinley [ Fri Aug 29, 2014 2:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Quote:
Hahha!! That's a pretty strong reply... ;-)
It's to help you, man. You need to hear it.

We're on your side here...
Author:  thittato [ Thu Nov 13, 2014 5:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Haha, I appreciate that you tried, and I honestly mean that. But yes, I totally blew it. It's been a month since we last heard from each other, and I'm starting to get over her. My last relationship was so intense that I took a break from pursuing girls for 1,5 year after our break-up. Suddenly I had this new female friend that I wasn't initially pursuing, but 3 months into our friendship I suddenly developed very strong feelings for her, and having gotten myself into such a situation it was very hard to have a successful outcome. She was even willing to consider us becoming a couple after I told her that I liked her, but she wanted to take it slow and get to know each other gradually. Unfortunately I was in too much of a rush, putting way to much pressure on her, and even though she was flirting with me several times when we were drunk, I was way too much in my mind destroying those moments with doing the talk with her about where we were in the process of "getting to know each other better." Not very romantic or erotic at all. Eventually she had to tell me she didn't have sexual feelings for me, only feelings as for a friend. But I'm totally sure I initially had a good chance with her, the emotional imbalance between us just got waaaaay too big, and I wasn't a chill and relaxed dude at all. So we had to end our friendship, or I had to tell her that in order for me get over her and move on, I needed a break from seeing her. Probably sounds lame for you PUA-guys, but in a therapeutic way, it has been a very therapeutically correct way of dealing with the problem of falling in love with a friend. Anyways, I'm going to learn from it, and now I have actually been motivated by the whole thing to take up PUA myself. Finally.

Even though the whole experience isn't much to write home about, I'm still in a way grateful for it. I've had oneitis several times in my life, and the obsessive quality about it seems to get milder and milder every time. Especially now that I've learned to diagnose it. There is always a familiar pattern to it, and I don't believe my own thoughts about this being my one and only chance for love the same way that I used to before.
Author:  Eddie Fews [ Thu Nov 13, 2014 7:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
To me it seems like you're just not taking the bull by the horns. I can't remember the last time I asked a girl if I could kiss her, or even gave her a verbal notice that I was going to. It was probably high school.. Maybe even JR high.

You're not taking any risk man; you're being a bit too timid and because you aren't taking any risk she can't feel your strength or confidence. This isn't necessarily going to play out like the romantic comedies you guys watch at night. You have to actually take action and make the bold move. Motion in to kiss her without saying anything.

Most guys don't know this, but when you make a forward move with a girl like " diving in for the kiss" she grows more attraction for you whether she accepts it or rejects it. Because her respect level grows; you displayed courage and confidence and thats admirable.

So you just have to go all or nothing man and make the bold move. If you just want a friendship and don't want anything more. Be her friend, but if you actually want something more you had better start acting like it. Otherwise you're just keeping her company despite you feeling like what your giving and getting aren't evening out.
Author:  thittato [ Fri Nov 14, 2014 3:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Yes, that is so true. Perhaps becoming better at the art of flirting would have made the "diving in for the kiss" move less threatening. However, seems a bit unreasonable that I loose my confidence and courage to such a degree when these romantic feelings kick in. Glad it was less obsessive than it was in the past, but still I want to become even more capable of feeling stuff like this without freezing up like I did. Why is it so painful? Because there is supposedly so much at stake? I have a friend who has it the same way, but he is really into meditation as a way of going into the pain and accepting it the way it is felt in the body, sort of locating where it is felt physically and exploring the resistance towards it. Any experience with this?
Author:  Eddie Fews [ Fri Nov 14, 2014 4:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Quote:
Yes, that is so true. Perhaps becoming better at the art of flirting would have made the "diving in for the kiss" move less threatening. However, seems a bit unreasonable that I loose my confidence and courage to such a degree when these romantic feelings kick in. Glad it was less obsessive than it was in the past, but still I want to become even more capable of feeling stuff like this without freezing up like I did. Why is it so painful? Because there is supposedly so much at stake? I have a friend who has it the same way, but he is really into meditation as a way of going into the pain and accepting it the way it is felt in the body, sort of locating where it is felt physically and exploring the resistance towards it. Any experience with this?

You can meditate, say affirmations, and pray to the universe but I've found nothing more powerful than just going for it; despite all of the feelings you have that are alarming you. If you look like a fool; so what? You just destroyed the programming thats been keeping you from acting in the ways you would like to.

So my advice is to just do it; and risk looking like a fool or risk getting rejected. There is NOTHING at stake. Its one girl, one situation, you're still young and after the confidence you get for taking action despite your alarm system you will be be attracting many more women without effort.

I've never been in the business of looking to make things easier so i feel more comfortable taking action. I just take action and grow. Life will come to me.
Author:  thittato [ Fri Nov 14, 2014 9:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
Wow, yeah, that is a pretty awesome advice. Damn it. I have totally fallen for this girl. Considering contacting her again, sort of like nonchalant sms "Yoooo, sup with you these days?", just totally not going into that stupid meta-analysis of where in the process of relating to each other we are. Actually the words I used were just to have a break from hanging out, so I could put it out of my mind. And she started crying when she realized that the two of us wouldn't be hanging out alone anymore for awhile. Perhaps coming back as a more confident nonchalant guy, making moves on her without giving a damn whether she rejects me or not, just having fun with it, sort of like "ooops I didn't do it, it was my leg, I'll try getting it to behave ;)" And if she asks whether I have gotten "it" out of my mind, I could reply "huh? what I are you talking about?" "well, you know, us" "oh, THAT thing, oh, you shouldn't listen to me, I say so many strange things."

Is there any chance that this type of attitude could spark up some more sexual chemistry between us?

Or what about the fact that I've already made a fool out of myself, in a way, with a woman that deeply cares about me as a friend, and has huge amounts of respect for me because I have never ever been childish or angry or anything at her for not reciprocating my feelings for her, but has only talked about it in an impressively calm, therapeutic and friendly (but probably not very sexy) type of way, so a few more attempts wouldn't really make any difference? Might as well face the humiliation with the same girl, anyway, if I'm going to take that all the way.

Actually I think it has been that quality of not becoming childish when she has rejected me, that has kept her interest up, because she has sensed that there was some type of deep emotional maturity in the way I dealt with my feelings for her, my confidence just wasn't quite strong enough to make her fall for me, yet. Any sense in this?

Haha, I'm so damn hooked.... :-)
Author:  thittato [ Fri Nov 14, 2014 9:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: falling in love with a friend
I could like do small flirt tests on her, like touching her arm, seeing if she freezes up or like say something along the lines of like "hey, didn't we decide not to go there or what?" replying in a fun way "oh damn, yes we did" doing it again saying "oh shit, it just happens on its own, okei I will hold my one arm with the other so it doesn't happen again" "oh damnit, it just won't stop" "okei, perhaps we should just decide to have to live with it?" Or something along those lines with that type of attitude....
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