Yeah. My subject is a little weird, but I wanted to provide some context. I got speaking to this girl on Tinder and to be honest, we really really hit it off. It was entirely non canned. It went on quite a while but below is the abridged version.
I'm actually quite a bit older than her. I'm 32, she's 19. She's also a virgin. And going to uni in 2 weeks to somewhere pretty far away. I'd appreciate any input here too. I feel a bit bad about thinking about trying to do this but.. I dunno. You tell me. Everything I told her was actually the truth.
Me: Hey
Her: (poop emoticon)
Her: (lots of poop emoticons)
Me: I take it you like ice cream? Chocolate flavour right...?
Her: No I love shitting
Me: I had a great shit today at work. I felt like I lost 6lbs in literally 5 seconds. I guess because I did?
Her: I also enjoy Anal. No shitting.
Her: Mate I get that all the time.
Me: Anal? I bet.
Her: I changed topic.
Me: Right. Are we talking about anal or shitting now?
Her: Bit of both. I like to chop and change. I'm a faeces maverick.
Me: Omg. I think I'm in love.
Her: I fell in love with one of my own shits once. I put it on ratemypoo . com
Me: Ass to mouth. I guess you love it right?
Her: I love what?
Me: Ass to mouth?
Her: More like ass to ass.
Her: Spot of banter.
Me: One of my ex-gf was obsessed with trying to do me in the ass. True story.
Her:Your ex and I have that in common.
Me: Oh ffs. Seriously. No.
Her: Hahahahahahahah
Me: I'll be perfectly honest. No bullshit.
Me: I don't want to do it because I know I'll probably love it. Next thing you know I'm being done up the ass by a girl with a 6 inch strap on.
Me: Not. Cool.
Her: You are incredibly graphic.
Me: Hey. You started it.
Her: U started shit! Lol!
Me: No. Poo did!
8 minutes passed. Which looking back wasn't long at all but we were messaging each other pretty sharply so at the time it seemed like ages.
Me: And like that. Youreouttamylife.
Her: Soz man. I'm a playa what can I say?
Me: I would've given you all my shits.
Her: The boiz fall over me like I'm an unholy nun.
Me: I think its because they're trying to run away and they just trip in panic.
Her: I'm not a shit collector.. I'm a shit taker.
Her: I think its because they'd lie to engage in coitus with me but OK BE A DICK.
Me: LOL
Her: For m8s?
Her: So why are you on here?
Her: Are you lonely?
Me: Hmmm.
Me: Ok. I'll say it. Yeah I am.
Me: Life can be boring and lonely.
Me: Being horny has nothing to do with it.
Her: Buddy. I'm here for ya.
Her: Not sexually
Her: But if you need a friend I promise to swap mean girls quotes with u and love you platonically.
Me: Thats fine.
Me: I'll take it.
Me: Maybe you have some really hot friends with poor taste and judgement?
Her: Unfortunately I have the poorest judgement out of all of my friends. The rest of them are solid tens.
Me: Great.
Her: There's gotta be some other desperate 32 year old who wants to bump uglies with ya?
Me: I just saw this cute red head. My opening line was 'wow. A beautiful ginger girl. I didn't think it was possible?'
Her: You are too much.
Me: Don't know why she isn't replying. Tips?
Me: Ok maybe you are right. Bad sense of humour.
Her: Are to see her pubs, ask if they're ginger.
Me: Anyway. I am already bumping uglies with younger chicks already thnx very much.
Me: I'm just being greedy
Her: Ahahahaha
Her: If you're already banging people why du need to be on here
Me: Hmmm. Dunno how honest to be.
Her: Watch mean
Me: Is it a serious question or are you just trying to extract urine from me?
Her: The urine thing.
Her: No actual q
Me: I used to be the archtype nice guy. And its true. They always finish last. I slept with 0 women during my degree. Zero. I finally finished my education last year. And since I've been dating a bit. And despite my apparent lack of experience... I now know I'm actually great in bed. No. Seriously.
Me: So I'm trying to make up for lost time. Lifes too short.
Me: Yolo yo
Her: I respect that.
Her: You're an inspiration.
Her: So you lost your virginity at 30..?
Me: Oh ffs.
Me: No. 21.
Her: Just joshin with ya!
Me: Its ok. It doesn't offend me.
Me: I can tell you're a virgin. Its blates yo.
Her: I am a virgin.
Her: And I am proud.
Her: Only the greatest of men have access to my vagina.
Me: Well that really sucks. I'm only a mediocre guy.
Her: Hahaha
Her: You're also 32...
Me: It's because you're ginger probably.
Her: Do you have a 6th sense? I'm quite impressed now. Hahahaha
Her: (not sure if youre referring to earlier joke or acc think I'm ginger)
Me: I'm not sure either. Just freestylin here yo
Me: Are you serious....?
Her: You could be colour blind.
Me: Look. Its ok with being ginger.
Me: Just because its unnatural and weird doesnt mean you should be ashamed about it.
Me: You kinda look like Kristin Schaal. You know her?
Her: I LOVE HER. You like conchords?
Me: Yeah. Like it alot.
Her: Brett is my dream man. He has angels curls, a face sculpted by the gods and can sing and play music not only obscenely well but humorously
Me: If I was a girl I wouldn't go for him. Too wimpy.
Her: I like to be the dominant one. And he is about as dominant as a pre pubescent choir boy.
Me: Yeah. I like to be the dominant one too. But I'm a guy so thats pretty normal.
Me: YOU WEIRDO.
Her: Its only normal because of the level of testosterone flowing through you. On any other level women can be just as dominant (congrats I'm a feminist)
Me: Well it depends on what you mean by dominant. U mean sexually or otherwise?
Her: Clearly otherwise.
Her: We have established that a man is yet to plunder my vagina.
Me: Y'know
Me: When u say stuff like that it makes it pretty hard to believe.
Me: No ones ever tried?
Her: Why? Just because i like to embellish my words with imaginative sayibs
Her: Noe ones ever tried in the rapey sense no.
Her: A couple people have tried to go further but I've just said no.
Me: Well.. I suppose its different for girls. You're only ready when you're ready I guess.
Me: But do yourself a favour and try to have fun at uni. The first time is always the hardest.
Me: Just like killing people.
Me: Apparently.
Her: Hahahaha
Her: I will have fun.
Her: I just don't want to lose it to some random thats gonna go and rate me a 5 to his friends the next day.
Her: And probably hasn't washed his nob in a week.
Me: Yeah. I do understand.
Me: 5/10 is a shit score.
Me: Thats like sleeping with ginger spice.
Her: YOU'RE A SHIT SCORE.
Me: Oi.
Me: Thats my catchphrase.
Her: I see what you did there.
Me: You would. Your kind always do.
Her: 'My kind'
Her: Right then. As entertaining as you have been to talk to - in fact I have laughed, I have cried and I have wanted to self combust whilst talking to you - it i time for me to rest my weary head.
Me: Yeah. I've got to get up and roll into work late tomorrow.
Her: I'm sure we shall continue this conversation some time soon.
Me: Its been nice.
Her: Hahaha you have work tomorrow lols
Her: Yeah.
Her: Good night
During that epic* posting (or too f***ing far for some I'm sure, sorry, bit stoned) she actually messaged me. I was going to ask if I should msg first or even go after it. What should I do? How do you close in this situation? Should you even? I'm an old geezer compared to her. Although to be fair I don't look it (been told from anything between 26 to 30 by various randoms). She doesn't look like a child btw.. she looks slightly older in her pics anyway than 19.
Some guidance from some wise ones please?