PUA Forum :: Should any of this bother me?

Well she has said in the past that she feels really awkward in these scenarios and doesn't know what to say...

but I don't want to tell her to say I HAVE A BOYFRIEND because it is the implied thing and we aren't official...she at one point asked what she was to me, and at the time I told her we should keep dating bc I had annoying ex girlfriend problems...I don't know if I should bring up the "what are we?" talk because those are long gone, or wait to hear it from her AGAIN...We have been dating a year! and she first initiated that talk after sex about 4 months ago

Quote:

A year dating and you two don't even consider yourself a couple? Honestly it's to any wonder why she's still around. If you want to be with her have the convo, if you don't keep going as you are she will eventually stray and find a guy who is willing to give her that committment.

If you aren't official, and you are unwilling to go that next step why shouldn't she entertain other options? She's perfectly entitled to.

Quote:

does everyone else concur?

I know it is normally relationship suicide for the guy to take the initiative. But if she asked "what do you consider me?" before, can I reinitiate?

Been dating this HB9 about a year and we are unsaid couple (going on vaca together, met the parents, sex all the time, ect)

We both use jealousy plotlines here and there. Mine revolve around girls texting me or hitting on me at work, but I never take a girl's number or hang out with them (she knows this). Hers involve getting hit on and random dudes (mostly AFC) asking for her number. She takes the number every time, but these were the occasions:

1. She takes the guy's number and denies to hang out and tells me about how she thinks he wants to hang out more than friends so acts slightly weirded out
2. Got invited by a group of guys who were in town to a party, and invited me to come with her to hang out with them
3. Pretty much ignores them but keeps their number and rejects invitations but tells me they text her

This has literally been the only thing that bothers me about this girl. She says she better be the only sexy girl in my life, she gets kinda upset when I say I get hit on, ect, but she takes guy's numbers instead of saying she has a boyfriend!

Let's face it guys, she knows that these guys want to get in her pants, and though I trust her to not do anything, what the hell can I do to get her from having contact with new AFC friends?

I don't show her I'm jealous, and sometimes she'll say "you jealous???" to try to bait me, which then I eithe counter with a jealousy plotline of my own

but I DO want to commit to her! I just want her to bring it up a second time...and I do everything boyfriend esque!

Author:	Lionheart9999 [ Thu May 30, 2013 9:40 pm ]
Post subject:	Should any of this bother me?
Been dating this HB9 about a year and we are unsaid couple (going on vaca together, met the parents, sex all the time, ect) We both use jealousy plotlines here and there. Mine revolve around girls texting me or hitting on me at work, but I never take a girl's number or hang out with them (she knows this). Hers involve getting hit on and random dudes (mostly AFC) asking for her number. She takes the number every time, but these were the occasions: 1. She takes the guy's number and denies to hang out and tells me about how she thinks he wants to hang out more than friends so acts slightly weirded out 2. Got invited by a group of guys who were in town to a party, and invited me to come with her to hang out with them 3. Pretty much ignores them but keeps their number and rejects invitations but tells me they text her This has literally been the only thing that bothers me about this girl. She says she better be the only sexy girl in my life, she gets kinda upset when I say I get hit on, ect, but she takes guy's numbers instead of saying she has a boyfriend! Let's face it guys, she knows that these guys want to get in her pants, and though I trust her to not do anything, what the hell can I do to get her from having contact with new AFC friends? I don't show her I'm jealous, and sometimes she'll say "you jealous???" to try to bait me, which then I eithe counter with a jealousy plotline of my own

Author:	n2thevoid [ Thu May 30, 2013 10:13 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
I am assuming "unsaid couple" means you guys are implicitly committed to each other but don't officially label yourselves as girlfriend and boyfriend. Titles in themselves aren't overly important - one doesn't have to look very hard to find examples of infidelity in labelled relationships. That said there are roles or conventions associated with roles and if the two of you have simply been "dating" for the past year without having an earnest discussion about where the two of you stand with each other there will often be boundaries that are crossed. The truth is almost all women get hit on. The average to more attractive women get hit on A LOT more than the lesser attractive types - as a secure male you just have to roll with it, accept it, even take it as a compliment as I do. I can however become annoying as with my case where my girl is being hit on frequently by guys I've known in my gym (we workout together), often times even when I'm in the gym with my back turned. Her and I had a conversation about this and agreed that while its impossible to stop guys from approaching her altogether, it would be in our best interest if she cut the conversations short, if things get weird to explitily state that she must get back to her boyfriend (me), or if say for example a phone number is offered or asked for to simply tell the guy she has a "boyfriend, but thanks". The difference here is that it is best for the girl to draw boundaries as guys will continually test them, even knowing full well she has a boyfriend. The only time I'll intervene is if she looks completely stuck (a guy is beign particularly aggressive) or creeping her out. So this brings me back to your situation. I would want to know if your gf is doing anyting to mislead these guys into thinking they have a chance (perhaps for validations sake or other), or if she is simply having a difficult time drawing boundaries for them.

Author:	FunDanceMan [ Thu May 30, 2013 10:18 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
I can relate. Its like they really get jealous then like... revenge fuck other guys. I dont understand it. Its like the chick wants you all to herself but isnt into being truly exclusive. I wish there were a wa to combat this, but it does feel like thats the girl's personality and not our fault. Not something that we should try to change right? Or is there a way? I was thinking about telling the girl in a playful way that she needs to growup. It's the doublestandard .

Author:	Lionheart9999 [ Fri May 31, 2013 12:01 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
Well she has said in the past that she feels really awkward in these scenarios and doesn't know what to say... but I don't want to tell her to say I HAVE A BOYFRIEND because it is the implied thing and we aren't official...she at one point asked what she was to me, and at the time I told her we should keep dating bc I had annoying ex girlfriend problems...I don't know if I should bring up the "what are we?" talk because those are long gone, or wait to hear it from her AGAIN...We have been dating a year! and she first initiated that talk after sex about 4 months ago

Author:	n2thevoid [ Fri May 31, 2013 12:07 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
Quote: Well she has said in the past that she feels really awkward in these scenarios and doesn't know what to say... but I don't want to tell her to say I HAVE A BOYFRIEND because it is the implied thing and we aren't official...she at one point asked what she was to me, and at the time I told her we should keep dating bc I had annoying ex girlfriend problems...I don't know if I should bring up the "what are we?" talk because those are long gone, or wait to hear it from her AGAIN...We have been dating a year! and she first initiated that talk after sex about 4 months ago A year dating and you two don't even consider yourself a couple? Honestly it's to any wonder why she's still around. If you want to be with her have the convo, if you don't keep going as you are she will eventually stray and find a guy who is willing to give her that committment. If you aren't official, and you are unwilling to go that next step why shouldn't she entertain other options? She's perfectly entitled to.

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Author:	n2thevoid [ Fri May 31, 2013 12:22 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
Quote: Quote: Quote: Well she has said in the past that she feels really awkward in these scenarios and doesn't know what to say... but I don't want to tell her to say I HAVE A BOYFRIEND because it is the implied thing and we aren't official...she at one point asked what she was to me, and at the time I told her we should keep dating bc I had annoying ex girlfriend problems...I don't know if I should bring up the "what are we?" talk because those are long gone, or wait to hear it from her AGAIN...We have been dating a year! and she first initiated that talk after sex about 4 months ago A year dating and you two don't even consider yourself a couple? Honestly it's to any wonder why she's still around. If you want to be with her have the convo, if you don't keep going as you are she will eventually stray and find a guy who is willing to give her that committment. If you aren't official, and you are unwilling to go that next step why shouldn't she entertain other options? She's perfectly entitled to. does everyone else concur? I know it is normally relationship suicide for the guy to take the initiative. But if she asked "what do you consider me?" before, can I reinitiate? You're coming off as having committment issues, why would she want to stick around after this long when there are plenty of other guys who will? It's only a matter of time before she realizes this, but in all liklihood its something she's already discussing with her girlfriends. A year of dating the same person and you can't even call yourself gf and bf, lest even a couple? Wow, Houston indeed we have a problem. Its not something that requires a poll to determine, its common sense.

Author:	hunchbak1982 [ Fri May 31, 2013 6:53 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
Quote: Been dating this HB9 about a year and we are unsaid couple (going on vaca together, met the parents, sex all the time, ect) We both use jealousy plotlines here and there. Mine revolve around girls texting me or hitting on me at work, but I never take a girl's number or hang out with them (she knows this). Hers involve getting hit on and random dudes (mostly AFC) asking for her number. She takes the number every time, but these were the occasions: 1. She takes the guy's number and denies to hang out and tells me about how she thinks he wants to hang out more than friends so acts slightly weirded out 2. Got invited by a group of guys who were in town to a party, and invited me to come with her to hang out with them 3. Pretty much ignores them but keeps their number and rejects invitations but tells me they text her This has literally been the only thing that bothers me about this girl. She says she better be the only sexy girl in my life, she gets kinda upset when I say I get hit on, ect, but she takes guy's numbers instead of saying she has a boyfriend! Let's face it guys, she knows that these guys want to get in her pants, and though I trust her to not do anything, what the hell can I do to get her from having contact with new AFC friends? I don't show her I'm jealous, and sometimes she'll say "you jealous???" to try to bait me, which then I eithe counter with a jealousy plotline of my own naaa, let her take the numbers. who gives a shit

Author:	CharlesFinley [ Fri May 31, 2013 12:31 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
IMHO if you don't want to commit to her then you don't get to complain.

Author:	Lionheart9999 [ Sat Jun 01, 2013 2:02 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
but I DO want to commit to her! I just want her to bring it up a second time...and I do everything boyfriend esque!

Author:	Betamax [ Sat Jun 01, 2013 3:37 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
Dafuq is this? Your girl obviously loves you and is already committed to you. You yourself said that you don't act jealous. If you don't act jealous, and you play the jealousy tactics yourself, can you imagine what's going on through her head? Probably the same thing that's going on inside of yours. I don't agree that it's relationship suicide for the guy to take initiative in taking the relationship to the next level. However, I do believe doing this may put you at a slight disadvantage and will make you appear as having the least control between you two, which is why I understand you're hesitant in trying to make it official. What I suggest, instead of bringing up the boyfriend/girlfriend talk, is simply dropping your jealousy tactics. You're already man enough to act unaffected by her tactics. So be man enough to drop your own weapons first. If it's ever brought up in a conversation, you can just casually say something like "I just think it's dumb for me to tell you about other girls when I've been seeing you for over a year." Then hope she opens up.

Author:	n2thevoid [ Sun Jun 02, 2013 2:38 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
Quote: but I DO want to commit to her! I just want her to bring it up a second time...and I do everything boyfriend esque! So she has to be the one to ask because its safe for you? I bet this guy will expect his wife to carry him over the threshold if he ever marries. Wow, how AFC can one get. Seriously you're acting like the girl, not her.

Author:	Lionheart9999 [ Sun Jun 02, 2013 3:36 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
It gives her slightly more control in the relationship if the guy initiates this scenario.

Author:	Lionheart9999 [ Sun Jun 02, 2013 3:43 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
[quote="Betamax"]Dafuq is this? Your girl obviously loves you and is already committed to you. You yourself said that you don't act jealous. If you don't act jealous, and you play the jealousy tactics yourself, can you imagine what's going on through her head? Probably the same thing that's going on inside of yours. I don't agree that it's relationship suicide for the guy to take initiative in taking the relationship to the next level. However, I do believe doing this may put you at a slight disadvantage and will make you appear as having the least control between you two, which is why I understand you're hesitant in trying to make it official. What I suggest, instead of bringing up the boyfriend/girlfriend talk, is simply dropping your jealousy tactics. You're already man enough to act unaffected by her tactics. So be man enough to drop your own weapons first. If it's ever brought up in a conversation, you can just casually say something like "I just think it's dumb for me to tell you about other girls when I've been seeing you for over a year." Then hope she opens up.[/quote] These are my thoughts exactly...but she HAS brought up the "what are we" talk before, and I told her that I liked the direction things were going and very soon. I got some things in my life squared away, now I am ready to commit. With her having initiated before...keeping this in mind....does this change your assessment of the situation? Would RE initiating the "what are we?" conversation be less likely to put me at a disadvantage?

Author:	Lionheart9999 [ Sun Jun 02, 2013 3:57 am ]
Post subject:	Re: Should any of this bother me?
I am quoting Mr. Assertive here from another thread: I advocate (waiting for her to ask) for a few reasons. It does not imply anything on your part. You do not imply that you have some sort of responsibility towards her. On the other hand, if you get asked, you can smoothly lay down the boundaries as you see fit. But in my situation, she HAS brought it up before, so does this still apply?

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