PUA Forum :: wtf do i do? at wits end here!!

ive been seeing this girl for 2 months now (gf/bf) but every time we agree to meet up for coffee or w/e, she can only stay for an hour or so. Shes supposedly always running errands. This started bothering me so i told her to find a day where we can actually sit down for a few hours together. She said tuesday would work, and then this morning i get a msg saying she can meet up for a bit 1-3, and then has to pick up her sister from school. She can also meet from 4-5 but then has guests over. Im not going to meet her today, but this bs is realy starting to tick me off. The last time i saw her was last sunday. It may be time to pull the plug on this one, so i need advice now as to what to say to either get her to change, or stop her from doing this!

Quote:

Move on, its obvious you care a lot more about the relationship than she does.

Quote:

Oh man I had a girl I had oneitis for a few summers ago do the same thing. It is very much a power ploy as she knows she has you on the line. She's limiting your time because she knows she can have you on her time frame - any girl who likes you will MAKE time to spend with you, yes, even if they are visiting with family there are always exceptions to be made.

Here's how the dynamic/cycle plays out for the two of you:

1) You intimate to her that you'd like to spend time together thereby validating her ego (makes her feel good to know she can have a guy in pursuit of her)
2) She puts limits/time constraints on your meeting, often capriciously (so it seems) thereby creating frustration for you (she senses your frustration, even if you aren't demonstrating it complicitly - its called emotional leakage and unless you're a sociopath you can't feign not being bothered)
3) The frustration you experience makes you reactive and again, feeds her ego. At this point she MAY give you more time with her to fool you into thinking things will be good, only to later fall back into the same behavior pattern and the cycle to perpetuate itself once again.

In essense you're allowing her to keep you off-balance, chronically to varying degrees. Doing so ensures that she will always remain in the power position, much like a puppet controller to his marionette.

It's a game of cat-and-mouse which will continue unless one of you changes the behavior. It may be helpful for you to focus on why you keep pursuing her knowing her behavior is toxic to your wellbeing. There are some attachment issues clearly, and maybe this is a terrific opportunity for you to examine those and work through them for your own growth.

If I had to to do things over again I'd have definitely made myself less accessible to her, and in fact let her arrange meetings with me. You're understandibly frustrated as you are invested in this person and you're allowing/granting her permission to yo-yo you along. There are no victims here, and yes, only you can either cede or relcaim control over yourself. Seriously though, she doesn't sound good for you, I'd move on.

Ah good stuff, food for thought

And i dunno if its oneitis, im seeing other girls as well, just this one is my 'gf'. Honestly though, I never wanted to get into a relationship, all the drama id rather avoid, and lately thats all it is, Ive just been waiting for these games to end already. I try not to be reactive but this is wearing down my patience

Author:	DM [ Tue May 28, 2013 4:57 pm ]
Post subject:	wtf do i do? at wits end here!!
ive been seeing this girl for 2 months now (gf/bf) but every time we agree to meet up for coffee or w/e, she can only stay for an hour or so. Shes supposedly always running errands. This started bothering me so i told her to find a day where we can actually sit down for a few hours together. She said tuesday would work, and then this morning i get a msg saying she can meet up for a bit 1-3, and then has to pick up her sister from school. She can also meet from 4-5 but then has guests over. Im not going to meet her today, but this bs is realy starting to tick me off. The last time i saw her was last sunday. It may be time to pull the plug on this one, so i need advice now as to what to say to either get her to change, or stop her from doing this!

Author:	TheFury [ Tue May 28, 2013 5:13 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: wtf do i do? at wits end here!!
Quote: ive been seeing this girl for 2 months now (gf/bf) but every time we agree to meet up for coffee or w/e, she can only stay for an hour or so. Shes supposedly always running errands. This started bothering me so i told her to find a day where we can actually sit down for a few hours together. She said tuesday would work, and then this morning i get a msg saying she can meet up for a bit 1-3, and then has to pick up her sister from school. She can also meet from 4-5 but then has guests over. Im not going to meet her today, but this bs is realy starting to tick me off. The last time i saw her was last sunday. It may be time to pull the plug on this one, so i need advice now as to what to say to either get her to change, or stop her from doing this! More context is needed. How old are you? Are you guys having sex? This doesn't really sound like a gf/bf relationship to me given the time of when you are meeting etc. But more information is needed. If you are not hooking up with her, then you need to go back to the drawing board, kino, eye contact, be more clear about what you want. If you are having sex (during the day I guess on these breaks?) um, not sure, this is a strange situation in that case.

Author:	Themagicalone [ Tue May 28, 2013 10:24 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: wtf do i do? at wits end here!!
Quote: ive been seeing this girl for 2 months now (gf/bf) but every time we agree to meet up for coffee or w/e, she can only stay for an hour or so. Shes supposedly always running errands. This started bothering me so i told her to find a day where we can actually sit down for a few hours together. She said tuesday would work, and then this morning i get a msg saying she can meet up for a bit 1-3, and then has to pick up her sister from school. She can also meet from 4-5 but then has guests over. Im not going to meet her today, but this bs is realy starting to tick me off. The last time i saw her was last sunday. It may be time to pull the plug on this one, so i need advice now as to what to say to either get her to change, or stop her from doing this! Move on, its obvious you care a lot more about the relationship than she does.

Author:	Jay (Majik) [ Tue May 28, 2013 10:27 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: wtf do i do? at wits end here!!
Quote: Quote: ive been seeing this girl for 2 months now (gf/bf) but every time we agree to meet up for coffee or w/e, she can only stay for an hour or so. Shes supposedly always running errands. This started bothering me so i told her to find a day where we can actually sit down for a few hours together. She said tuesday would work, and then this morning i get a msg saying she can meet up for a bit 1-3, and then has to pick up her sister from school. She can also meet from 4-5 but then has guests over. Im not going to meet her today, but this bs is realy starting to tick me off. The last time i saw her was last sunday. It may be time to pull the plug on this one, so i need advice now as to what to say to either get her to change, or stop her from doing this! Move on, its obvious you care a lot more about the relationship than she does. I second this... She is too busy for you. You should, in return, be too busy for her.

Author:	n2thevoid [ Tue May 28, 2013 10:49 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: wtf do i do? at wits end here!!
Quote: ive been seeing this girl for 2 months now (gf/bf) but every time we agree to meet up for coffee or w/e, she can only stay for an hour or so. Shes supposedly always running errands. This started bothering me so i told her to find a day where we can actually sit down for a few hours together. She said tuesday would work, and then this morning i get a msg saying she can meet up for a bit 1-3, and then has to pick up her sister from school. She can also meet from 4-5 but then has guests over. Im not going to meet her today, but this bs is realy starting to tick me off. The last time i saw her was last sunday. It may be time to pull the plug on this one, so i need advice now as to what to say to either get her to change, or stop her from doing this! Oh man I had a girl I had oneitis for a few summers ago do the same thing. It is very much a power ploy as she knows she has you on the line. She's limiting your time because she knows she can have you on her time frame - any girl who likes you will MAKE time to spend with you, yes, even if they are visiting with family there are always exceptions to be made. Here's how the dynamic/cycle plays out for the two of you: 1) You intimate to her that you'd like to spend time together thereby validating her ego (makes her feel good to know she can have a guy in pursuit of her) 2) She puts limits/time constraints on your meeting, often capriciously (so it seems) thereby creating frustration for you (she senses your frustration, even if you aren't demonstrating it complicitly - its called emotional leakage and unless you're a sociopath you can't feign not being bothered) 3) The frustration you experience makes you reactive and again, feeds her ego. At this point she MAY give you more time with her to fool you into thinking things will be good, only to later fall back into the same behavior pattern and the cycle to perpetuate itself once again. In essense you're allowing her to keep you off-balance, chronically to varying degrees. Doing so ensures that she will always remain in the power position, much like a puppet controller to his marionette. It's a game of cat-and-mouse which will continue unless one of you changes the behavior. It may be helpful for you to focus on why you keep pursuing her knowing her behavior is toxic to your wellbeing. There are some attachment issues clearly, and maybe this is a terrific opportunity for you to examine those and work through them for your own growth. If I had to to do things over again I'd have definitely made myself less accessible to her, and in fact let her arrange meetings with me. You're understandibly frustrated as you are invested in this person and you're allowing/granting her permission to yo-yo you along. There are no victims here, and yes, only you can either cede or relcaim control over yourself. Seriously though, she doesn't sound good for you, I'd move on.

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Author:	hunchbak1982 [ Tue May 28, 2013 11:57 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: wtf do i do? at wits end here!!
Quote: ive been seeing this girl for 2 months now (gf/bf) but every time we agree to meet up for coffee or w/e, she can only stay for an hour or so. Shes supposedly always running errands. This started bothering me so i told her to find a day where we can actually sit down for a few hours together. She said tuesday would work, and then this morning i get a msg saying she can meet up for a bit 1-3, and then has to pick up her sister from school. She can also meet from 4-5 but then has guests over. Im not going to meet her today, but this bs is realy starting to tick me off. The last time i saw her was last sunday. It may be time to pull the plug on this one, so i need advice now as to what to say to either get her to change, or stop her from doing this! this tells her that a-your over eager to be with her, b-more invested in her than she is in you dont let her control the date. next time cut it down to 40 minutes, and tell her that your going to the movies with your sister. make her see that you too are busy and running errands

Author:	hunchbak1982 [ Wed May 29, 2013 12:02 am ]
Post subject:	Re: wtf do i do? at wits end here!!
Quote: Quote: ive been seeing this girl for 2 months now (gf/bf) but every time we agree to meet up for coffee or w/e, she can only stay for an hour or so. Shes supposedly always running errands. This started bothering me so i told her to find a day where we can actually sit down for a few hours together. She said tuesday would work, and then this morning i get a msg saying she can meet up for a bit 1-3, and then has to pick up her sister from school. She can also meet from 4-5 but then has guests over. Im not going to meet her today, but this bs is realy starting to tick me off. The last time i saw her was last sunday. It may be time to pull the plug on this one, so i need advice now as to what to say to either get her to change, or stop her from doing this! Oh man I had a girl I had oneitis for a few summers ago do the same thing. It is very much a power ploy as she knows she has you on the line. She's limiting your time because she knows she can have you on her time frame - any girl who likes you will MAKE time to spend with you, yes, even if they are visiting with family there are always exceptions to be made. Here's how the dynamic/cycle plays out for the two of you: 1) You intimate to her that you'd like to spend time together thereby validating her ego (makes her feel good to know she can have a guy in pursuit of her) 2) She puts limits/time constraints on your meeting, often capriciously (so it seems) thereby creating frustration for you (she senses your frustration, even if you aren't demonstrating it complicitly - its called emotional leakage and unless you're a sociopath you can't feign not being bothered) 3) The frustration you experience makes you reactive and again, feeds her ego. At this point she MAY give you more time with her to fool you into thinking things will be good, only to later fall back into the same behavior pattern and the cycle to perpetuate itself once again. In essense you're allowing her to keep you off-balance, chronically to varying degrees. Doing so ensures that she will always remain in the power position, much like a puppet controller to his marionette. It's a game of cat-and-mouse which will continue unless one of you changes the behavior. It may be helpful for you to focus on why you keep pursuing her knowing her behavior is toxic to your wellbeing. There are some attachment issues clearly, and maybe this is a terrific opportunity for you to examine those and work through them for your own growth. If I had to to do things over again I'd have definitely made myself less accessible to her, and in fact let her arrange meetings with me. You're understandibly frustrated as you are invested in this person and you're allowing/granting her permission to yo-yo you along. There are no victims here, and yes, only you can either cede or relcaim control over yourself. Seriously though, she doesn't sound good for you, I'd move on. this is good too. if you dont want to play the cat and mouse game, find another chik.

Author:	DM [ Wed May 29, 2013 12:57 am ]
Post subject:	Re: wtf do i do? at wits end here!!
Ah good stuff, food for thought And i dunno if its oneitis, im seeing other girls as well, just this one is my 'gf'. Honestly though, I never wanted to get into a relationship, all the drama id rather avoid, and lately thats all it is, Ive just been waiting for these games to end already. I try not to be reactive but this is wearing down my patience

Author:	Themagicalone [ Wed May 29, 2013 1:30 am ]
Post subject:	Re: wtf do i do? at wits end here!!
Quote: Ah good stuff, food for thought And i dunno if its oneitis, im seeing other girls as well, just this one is my 'gf'. Honestly though, I never wanted to get into a relationship, all the drama id rather avoid, and lately thats all it is, Ive just been waiting for these games to end already. I try not to be reactive but this is wearing down my patience Seems like its a little oneitis on your part if you never wanted to get into a relationship anyway this chick is making it easy on you to have a reason to break up with her. Be a man break it off as its clear to everyone she doesn't care about your relationship.

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