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What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
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Author:  benbraddock [ Sat May 11, 2013 10:50 am ]
Post subject:  What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
A cute foreign girl at train station, who lives in my hood, approaches me to ask help about the ticket vending machine, which I oblige. I mention to her that I remember her from the other day on the bus (I am sure she remembers my face, the bus was full, it was a hot sweaty day, and I was very close to her, and I was checking her out good) and that she looked tired and sad and how good it is to see her smile today.
She asks me if she can use my phone to send a text to a friend (she had no credit in hers), I joke that I don't let strangers use my phone but will make an exception for desperate people. From then on I sparingly call her "my text message thief". On the train ride together I add her to my Facebook in front of her and send her a first message at the same time as below:

ME: Whose that cool guy on the train with you??

a few hours later when she gets back home..

SHE: hahaha And who is that beautiful girl on the train with you?! Luckyyy u ;-))))))

ME: Which one specifically? I met a few today on the train; I am glad you got home safe! be nice to the little monsters when in (name of her country)
(Note: she is an au pair and is going on a week holiday to her native country with the children that she says are terrible)

SHE: i will be the best for them,no worries!
Thank u so much for today, i have to offer you a coffee for letting me use your phone when i will be back .
Goodnight

ME: its you am worried about! I'll have cappuccino please. bon voyage & have fun.

10 days go by and I decide to message her with the intention of setting up the coffee date

ME: Congratulations (her nationality) eyes. I see you survived a week with the children. ;

SHE: Im not just a pretty face hahaha

ME: Girls with pretty faces can be naughtier and wilder, is that true about you?

2 days have gone by and she hasn't read or answered the message (she could've read it in her email though). what should I do next if she doesn't ever answer or read it?
Author:  Optimacy [ Sat May 11, 2013 2:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
You did great with the initial chats, but my gut says that she read it and got weirded out by the "naughtier and wild" language.

I can understand the desire to transition things to more sexual talk, but you let your hormones ruin your game by bringing up an awkward analogy about pretty faces and naughtiness. She even told you she was more than a "pretty face", yet you followed it up with the more pretty face stuff.

If you want to transition to sexy talk, try using language that is a little more docile. I tell my male clients to use the word "flirt" instead of any language that may seem too sexual or raunchy.

Your ship may have sailed with this girl, but, if you were my client, I'd recommend you try something like...

"I feel like flirting with this cool au pair I met at train station, but my phone is dead. Do you have one I can borrow?"

This line will remind her of the nice thing you did for her, which may make her forget the pervy chat message you sent. It also plays off of your initial meeting and uses a more innocent word like "flirt" instead of something more risky.

Notice also that I used the word "cool" instead of "hot""sexy""beautiful". She already hinted that she doesn't like to be associated with just being pretty, so using the word "cool" is much more nebulous and will be more effective on her.
Author:  n2thevoid [ Sun May 12, 2013 8:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
It is possible that the last line was an abrupt turn into something sexual she did not want to get baited into. However, it could also be she is just busy, or perhaps wasn't all that interested to begin with (which doesn't preclude the possibility that going sexual too soon was just enough to make her lose interest). Send a feeler message out in the next day or so, something light and airy, short.
Author:  kinohob [ Sun May 12, 2013 5:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
Quote:
You did great with the initial chats, but my gut says that she read it and got weirded out by the "naughtier and wild" language.

I can understand the desire to transition things to more sexual talk, but you let your hormones ruin your game by bringing up an awkward analogy about pretty faces and naughtiness. She even told you she was more than a "pretty face", yet you followed it up with the more pretty face stuff.

If you want to transition to sexy talk, try using language that is a little more docile. I tell my male clients to use the word "flirt" instead of any language that may seem too sexual or raunchy.

Your ship may have sailed with this girl, but, if you were my client, I'd recommend you try something like...

"I feel like flirting with this cool au pair I met at train station, but my phone is dead. Do you have one I can borrow?"

This line will remind her of the nice thing you did for her, which may make her forget the pervy chat message you sent. It also plays off of your initial meeting and uses a more innocent word like "flirt" instead of something more risky.

Notice also that I used the word "cool" instead of "hot""sexy""beautiful". She already hinted that she doesn't like to be associated with just being pretty, so using the word "cool" is much more nebulous and will be more effective on her.
Agreed. You transitioned pretty quickly to sexual and pervy. Pretty bold move for two people who are essentially strangers. I second what Optimacy said.
Author:  benbraddock [ Mon May 13, 2013 9:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
Damn it! Yes, you guys are right. I was going to go straight for the coffee date invite but then started reading all these Fb/text game guides which go for 'don't be boring etc' and 'make it sexual' etc and I went for it.

And I knew, I knew I was not comfortable with this escalation, that it does not reflect my personality and my 'style' (its defenitely my style after a good conversation face to face of course) but I sent it anyway, then immediately afterwards I realized the "not just a pretty face" clarification as Optimacy points out. I literally went to my mirror and shouted jackass at myself.

Lesson learnt? Never write or say something that you are not comfortable with and you have a gut feeling is going to sound weird.

I sent out feeler along the lines Optimacy suggested....if I get no answer fuck it, I am not going to repeat the same mistake on someone I really care to meet.
Author:  Jay (Majik) [ Mon May 13, 2013 9:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
Quote:
Damn it! Yes, you guys are right. I was going to go straight for the coffee date invite but then started reading all these Fb/text game guides which go for 'don't be boring etc' and 'make it sexual' etc and I went for it.

And I knew, I knew I was not comfortable with this escalation, that it does not reflect my personality and my 'style' (its defenitely my style after a good conversation face to face of course) but I sent it anyway, then immediately afterwards I realized the "not just a pretty face" clarification as Optimacy points out. I literally went to my mirror and shouted jackass at myself.

Lesson learnt? Never write or say something that you are not comfortable with and you have a gut feeling is going to sound weird.

I sent out feeler along the lines Optimacy suggested....if I get no answer fuck it, I am not going to repeat the same mistake on someone I really care to meet.
You definitely creeped her out with that last comment. Because she added you as a friend, doesn't mean she is attracted to you.

Good job with the conversation but onto the next one.

You've got the right mindset by saying lesson learned... Keep it up man.
Author:  Don Horneone [ Mon May 13, 2013 9:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
Quote:
SHE: Im not just a pretty face hahaha
Did you get the significance of the fact that she was qualifying herself to you? That's a good sign and an opportunity to let her do some of the work rather than thinking "now how can I escalate things?"
Author:  benbraddock [ Mon May 13, 2013 10:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
Quote:
Did you get the significance of the fact that she was qualifying herself to you? That's a good sign and an opportunity to let her do some of the work rather than thinking "now how can I escalate things?"
No I did not realise she was qualifying herself to me and....to be honest I don't know what qualifying means so don't know the signs (still learning here!)

I guess if it was a good sign then she should've replied to my (yes dumbass) pervy question....with something..to do the work to bring the convo back in line....
Author:  dragonAlpha [ Mon May 13, 2013 11:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
Quote:
Quote:
Did you get the significance of the fact that she was qualifying herself to you? That's a good sign and an opportunity to let her do some of the work rather than thinking "now how can I escalate things?"
No I did not realise she was qualifying herself to me and....to be honest I don't know what qualifying means so don't know the signs (still learning here!)

I guess if it was a good sign then she should've replied to my (yes dumbass) pervy question....with something..to do the work to bring the convo back in line....
I actually didn't know what qualifying is until I watched AFC Adam give a talk at the Under 21 convention. Basically, qualifying is the act of refining or filtering something, whether it be conversation (as I'm thinking is your instance), behavior, or even other people. By you asking if she was "naughtier and wilder", you are subconsciously messaging that that behavior is considered acceptable to you, with the hidden goal (i'm assuming again) that she would respond positively to this question, thereby allowing you to sexually escalate. Its basically a tricky way of getting her to act and talk in the way you wanted. The problem you have is that you inserted this statement in a way that was actually quite sudden. My recommendation is that you probably should have waited an extra line or two before you popped that line. I would have said that you should stay on that line some more, because your conversation at that point was still in a playful stage, and if you talked about it more, it would have substantiated the idea that you are actually focusing on what you are talking about.
Author:  benbraddock [ Tue May 14, 2013 7:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
On qualifying, I think I get what it is. Here is a qualification guide that I just started to read
(http://www.theattractionforums.com/gene ... ation.html)

In my case, girl was saying to me "like me but not just for my pretty looks" or "I have other qualities that should impress you apart from my pretty looks (which I know/think I possess and which you indicated you know I have by calling me "pretty eyes")" .
To which I responded "are you also slutty?".

In hindsight, and from my understanding of some reading, a mild neg would have been more appropriate. A response that would have qualified me and demonstrated my HV. Something like,

"it takes more than a pretty face and a 'not just' to impress me ;)

or just damn simpler and more charming:
"I am curious to know what else you are ;. Lets find out toghether by grabbing a coffee.
I know this cute little place on our street. How does this week sound?"

Ah how we learn after...

Anyways, she replied to my feeler message (no mention of the pervy one), which goes along these lines:
smiley face + "would love to!" grab a coffee with me. She can't next week but "maybe next weekend". She says she is free half days during the week and "all day sunday!!".

I usually would go for a week day ( because weekends am hanging with my fave peeps, right??) but since she needs to be back home by early afternoon to baby sit am going to aim for the Sunday - so that a) she does not feel the pressure to go back to her work responsabilities and b) if the day goes well we can hang out longer, take a walk around and I'll try and F close it.

I am not sure though whether to keep it local or take her further into the city (which would requre us to take a 20 minute bus ride together or a car ride) to a much nicer area and nicer coffee shop I know.

For the moment I am going to reply in simple manner saying thats great and I'll message her again next week when I also know when am free.


would love any thoughts if you have any Optimacy ;

cheers!
Author:  Optimacy [ Tue May 21, 2013 7:41 am ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
Quote:


would love any thoughts if you have any Optimacy ;

cheers!
Sorry I've been out-of-town.

Instead of giving you more specific suggestions with this one situation, I'm going to give you some macro advice.

You are far too invested in this girl.

I see this a lot with clients. They come to us wanting help to attract a specific person or get an ex back.

In both cases, our advice is the same.

The only way to attract the person you are interested in is to LOSE THE OBSESSION. No matter how many specific lines I give you to say, you will eventually be on your own at some point. When this happens, it's inevitable that your words/action/body language will evidence your current obsession with this girl.

I'm not saying you are totally desperate or obsessed to the point of needing psychiatric help, but I'm using those terms to make a point. Even the SLIGHTEST bit of desperation or obsession is NOT attractive and will sabotage your efforts.

At this point, I would forget about her altogether and move on to another target. Once you have multiple options and other things working, then you will notice how less stressed you are about her (or any other girl's reaction/rejection). You can then try different ways to re-open things with her in the future, and you will no longer have so much riding on the outcome.

Ironically, she may even be proactive and contact you first if you just give it time and let her miss you. Trust me...if she likes you and felt a connection, she will find a way to re-visit things with you. There is no sense in pushing the issue at this point.

Like I said, many people will continue to give you specific lines and advice with this particular girl, but you will be much better served in the long run if you take my macro advice first.

Good luck
Author:  benbraddock [ Tue May 21, 2013 9:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
Welcome back Optimacy and hope your trip was awesome. I appreciate the reply.

I am not that desperate for this one girl although I can see I might have presented myself that way. However I will admit I am desperate for "a" date because I need to practice and improve my game as much as possible. For various reasons which I won't bore y'all with I currently cannot socialise often as I'd like to in order to meet people.

Also, I am not sure she is going to be proactive and contact me if I ignore her but I understand the desirability/scarcicity factor you are pointing out here. We only met for 30 minutes on a train and I don't think I am "magnetic" enough, yet, with my charm to make her wanting more. Being honest with myself here. She said she'd "love" to get a coffee with me so I will go ahead with it. I promise I'll be cool, and not smelling of desperation perfurme. I am also keen on practicing Release and Relate and BHRR which I recently read about and can't believe I never knew about.
Author:  Optimacy [ Wed May 22, 2013 3:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
Quote:
Welcome back Optimacy and hope your trip was awesome. I appreciate the reply.

I am not that desperate for this one girl although I can see I might have presented myself that way. However I will admit I am desperate for "a" date because I need to practice and improve my game as much as possible. For various reasons which I won't bore y'all with I currently cannot socialise often as I'd like to in order to meet people.

Also, I am not sure she is going to be proactive and contact me if I ignore her but I understand the desirability/scarcicity factor you are pointing out here. We only met for 30 minutes on a train and I don't think I am "magnetic" enough, yet, with my charm to make her wanting more. Being honest with myself here. She said she'd "love" to get a coffee with me so I will go ahead with it. I promise I'll be cool, and not smelling of desperation perfurme. I am also keen on practicing Release and Relate and BHRR which I recently read about and can't believe I never knew about.
One thing we do with all our clients at Optimacy is shoot strait with them.

I realize the words "obsession" and "desperation" can sound harsh, but I could sense the macro situation that you described (i.e. desperate for a date) sabotaging your actions.

Any macro issue will affect a micro issue (i.e. this specific girl from the train) if you don't get it addressed.

I'm happy to help for free and don't want to sound like a personal promoter, but I think you could benefit from a lot of things on our website (http://www.optimacy.org). There are several exercises that can help you...especially in Chapter 1...get a handle on your macro issue.

If you don't get a chance to check it out, I'm going to give you 1 task to try this week.

Go out this week and talk to girls until 10 of them reject you. Your GOAL is NOT success. It's actually to get 10 girls to say "NO" when you ask for their phone number or a date.

Most guys stress too much about rejection. They get discouraged or disappointed when 1 girl rejects them. Then, they crawl into a whole and avoid trying again for awhile.

Before we start training clients like yourself, we make them go out and get rejected with their current skills - over and over and over. This accomplishes a few things:

1. They realize that rejection is not that bad. In fact, by setting a goal of 10 rejections instead of 1 success, it flips the script. The client may still feel bad about the rejections, but it's also a positive thing because they are one step closer to their goal of 10.

2. Many guys realize that trying to get 10 girls to say "no"...some actually say "yes". Thus, they achieved success by having a goal of rejection. Brilliant right?

3. Most guys start to realize something very important and ironic...when they don't care about whether they get rejected...they act differently than they did before and have MORE success than when focused too much on success.

Like I said, there is tons more stuff on the website, but hopefully this one tip will get you started.

One way or another...it's imperative that you condition yourself to ignore the negative feelings of rejection and lose the current desperation for a date.
Author:  benbraddock [ Wed May 29, 2013 8:02 am ]
Post subject:  Re: What am I doing wrong in this FB game?
Aahahaha, she flaked on me btw! never heard back. Gawd, how I find flakey girls SO unattractive.
with that said, while I was in the city running errands I instead started talking with this hb at the sunday market, we kept bumping into each other at various times during the day ("are you stalking me?"), we ended up grabbing lunch together and having colorful disussions about cooking. She invited me over to her place this friday night to cook me her "special" dish with the items she bought at the market. Sassy.
Thank you flakey girl for never following up!
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