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Should I send this message?
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Author:  daffy duck [ Wed Dec 26, 2012 6:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Should I send this message?
So asked this girl at work out after receiving what i thought were strong IOI's and because we got on so well. She said no and I thought we could remain friends and just forget about it.

Since asking her out it feels like things have degenerated into mind games. We don't speak (although she is always responsive when we do talk, always responds to texts etc), she didn't invite me to a work social function (a colleague said it might create conflict - when i asked why there would be conflict he said he thought i was avoiding her which i was although only cos i was embarrassed about the whole situation but i hadn't told him that so she must have told him). Even though she's now moved to another department its still awkward and uncomfortable seeing her cos she's friendly to everyone else apart from me when we used to have such a great working relationship.

Anyway, so i am thinking of sending the following message:

'The reason I asked you out was because we got on so well together and because I was under the impression you felt the same way. My bad if i misread the signals. Had I known that asking you out would have ruined our friendship I wouldn't have done it.'

Should I send this message? Please give reasons for your answer.
Author:  puaninja [ Wed Dec 26, 2012 7:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
I actually like that because it's sincere and addresses the problem you are having. However, I'd be disinclined to tell her that unless I wanted to try and get with her again. Also, she's not in your same department anymore so it's very easy for you to go your separate ways and write her off as someone who is not interested in you and just leave it at that.

Think about it this way, she REJECTED you and she is probably getting her vag slam-hammered by some douchebag on a nightly basis, yet you are sitting there worried about some tenuous work relationship that doesn't matter one way or another. Why put any more time and energy into this?
Author:  daffy duck [ Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
Quote:
I actually like that because it's sincere and addresses the problem you are having. However, I'd be disinclined to tell her that unless I wanted to try and get with her again. Also, she's not in your same department anymore so it's very easy for you to go your separate ways and write her off as someone who is not interested in you and just leave it at that.

Think about it this way, she REJECTED you and she is probably getting her vag slam-hammered by some douchebag on a nightly basis, yet you are sitting there worried about some tenuous work relationship that doesn't matter one way or another. Why put any more time and energy into this?
Yes. sending that message might say on a subtextual level 'i'm still thinking about you 4 months later and am so desperate for your attention that i'm willing to be just friends rather than your bfriend despite you giving me strong IOI's.'

So better not to send it, right?
Author:  Mr. Assertive [ Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
Quote:
Quote:
I actually like that because it's sincere and addresses the problem you are having. However, I'd be disinclined to tell her that unless I wanted to try and get with her again. Also, she's not in your same department anymore so it's very easy for you to go your separate ways and write her off as someone who is not interested in you and just leave it at that.

Think about it this way, she REJECTED you and she is probably getting her vag slam-hammered by some douchebag on a nightly basis, yet you are sitting there worried about some tenuous work relationship that doesn't matter one way or another. Why put any more time and energy into this?
Yes. sending that message might say on a subtextual level 'i'm still thinking about you 4 months later and am so desperate for your attention that i'm willing to be just friends rather than your bfriend despite you giving me strong IOI's.'

So better not to send it, right?

It is up to you. If you want her around then send it but if you don't mind letting her go then just let things be. It really isn't desperate at all. It really just sounds like you want to clear things up.
Author:  daffy duck [ Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
I asked her out in August.

She claimed she couldn't go out with me because she was scared it would go wrong.

the following text exchange took place nov 30th after she left the dept and left me a slice of choc cake on my desk (a colleague told her to leave it on my desk).

me: thanks for the chocolate cake.
her (few mins later): no problemo. hope all is ok with you these days.
me: would feel a lot better if you returned the dvd you borrowed. a year later.
her: i'll bring it in on monday. promise.
me: dont worry about it. consider it a leaving present. i replaced it a long time ago. maybe one day when you'r not so scared of me we can watch it together. :-P

next day - hungover.

me: can i call you?
her (5 hours later): about what?
me: nothing important. just wanted to say hi. if you're busy that's cool, we can talk another time. don't worry about it. :-)
her (another 5 hours later - 00:45): ok. cool.

in the office meanwhile neither of us approaches or speaks.
Author:  BITmixit [ Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
Send it if you dont mind not being with her and just being friends. This is completely upto u man as it seems like you would be cool to just be friends.

Girls generally seem to play mindgames even if they reject you because they think your going to go around and bitch about them to everyone (because any girl would) so personally I think its just building up a "shield" against any bitchy remarks she thinks you might have said about her.

If she is still a bitch after sending that...fuck her man, bitches be crazy.
Author:  daffy duck [ Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
she did give strong IOI's though.

even after i asked her out i would catch her looking at me during office meetings and when i met her gaze she would suddenly look away with an embarrassed look on her face, although this could be part of her mind games.
Author:  7000 [ Thu Dec 27, 2012 1:53 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
From the way you're talking in this thread, it seems to me that you're still crushing on her a bit. She's clearly not interested at all in you. Now, I don't know if she is just a flirty type of person, or if she did like you and doesn't any longer.

Fact of the matter is, sending this or any other message really isn't going to get you into her pants (which, although you haven't said is your aim, it still seems to me to be a sub conscious intention by the way you post).

However, if it is purely that you want to be friends with her (or at least not quite so awkward), then by all means send her a message. BUT think about this - you've now tried to make contact, she doesn't seem overly interested in trying to make a friendship work with you. She could have made the first move, or at least been more open to your when you make the first move to rectifying the friendship. She hasn't done either of those things, which suggests to me she's not really overly interested even in a friendship.

Personally, I wouldn't send anything and would just continue as though nothing happened - smile and say hi if you bump into her, and if she wants to start a conversation (or if there is a group discussin of which you're both apart then talk to her naturally there) but otherwise don't force anything.

The alternative is to send a very simple message, such as the one in your original post. If you were going to send a message, yours is a good example - short, doesn't try to start a conversation or try to 'win her back', it just makes a short statement in a matter of fact way. Leave it at that.

But it will make you look needy to her, and it will make you look needy to the other people in the office she speaks to. AND chances are even with this message your friendship isn't going to go back to how it was - too much awkwardness has now passed for that to happen. But if you can put up with all those things and still want to send the message anyway, go for it. But it seems a waste of time to me.
Author:  VietnameseProdigy [ Thu Dec 27, 2012 2:50 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
That message is eww.. wtf. You are totally reacting to her.

Send it if you want to be forever friend zoned
Author:  LusciousFox [ Thu Dec 27, 2012 2:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
Just find another woman. Real or not and pretend that things between you and her are completely normal again. My idea is that if you treat her the way you used to you can try and salvage your relationship and possibly get her attracted again. The having a girl on the side thing is so if anyone asks you have proof that this girl is no big deal and you moved on a while ago.
Author:  BITmixit [ Thu Dec 27, 2012 7:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
Quote:
me: thanks for the chocolate cake.
her (few mins later): no problemo. hope all is ok with you these days.
me: would feel a lot better if you returned the dvd you borrowed. a year later.
her: i'll bring it in on monday. promise.
me: dont worry about it. consider it a leaving present. i replaced it a long time ago. maybe one day when you'r not so scared of me we can watch it together. :-P
Urm ok...I didn't read this last time. Why were you so harsh to her about the dvd in the first place if you don't care about it. It seems like you do definitely have feelings for this girl because your texts are reacting to her behaviour which is unattractive.
Quote:
me: can i call you?
her (5 hours later): about what?
me: nothing important. just wanted to say hi. if you're busy that's cool, we can talk another time. don't worry about it. :-)
her (another 5 hours later - 00:45): ok. cool.
annnnnnnnd now you've become the creepy work guy she laughs about with her girlfriends and the guy who is fucking her. Never ask a girl if you can call her, just call her and if she doesn't answer...hey ho move on.

no joke.
Author:  daffy duck [ Thu Dec 27, 2012 7:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
Quote:
Quote:
me: thanks for the chocolate cake.
her (few mins later): no problemo. hope all is ok with you these days.
me: would feel a lot better if you returned the dvd you borrowed. a year later.
her: i'll bring it in on monday. promise.
me: dont worry about it. consider it a leaving present. i replaced it a long time ago. maybe one day when you'r not so scared of me we can watch it together. :-P
Urm ok...I didn't read this last time. Why were you so harsh to her about the dvd in the first place if you don't care about it. It seems like you do definitely have feelings for this girl because your texts are reacting to her behaviour which is unattractive.
Quote:
me: can i call you?
her (5 hours later): about what?
me: nothing important. just wanted to say hi. if you're busy that's cool, we can talk another time. don't worry about it. :-)
her (another 5 hours later - 00:45): ok. cool.
annnnnnnnd now you've become the creepy work guy she laughs about with her girlfriends and the guy who is fucking her. Never ask a girl if you can call her, just call her and if she doesn't answer...hey ho move on.

no joke.
don't think i was being harsh about the dvd. just cracking a joke. maybe i missed a lol in my post. she took it as such anyway. besides she's had it over a year now.

yeah, i know. i was kind of testing to see her reaction cos we havent been speaking in the office.

when she asked 'what about' i realised i had nothing to say to her at all...lol. btw she ain't fucking no-one. last i heard she was pining about her ex who dumped her. lol.
Author:  daffy duck [ Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
@Bitmix - i don't believe you didnt read my post properly the first time around. a man as intelligent-sounding as you wouldn't post a reply without reading the post properly first. sounds like you are butthurt about something and fancied taking a dig at me. why, only you know. examine that.
Author:  BITmixit [ Thu Dec 27, 2012 9:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
Quote:
@Bitmix - i don't believe you didnt read my post properly the first time around. a man as intelligent-sounding as you wouldn't post a reply without reading the post properly first. sounds like you are butthurt about something and fancied taking a dig at me. why, only you know. examine that.
Haha this is really weird as when I was writing that I thought I sounded butthurt as well, didn't mean to come off that way bro but trust me I didn't read it.

Personally I've found moaning about trivial things like dvds and such (i've done this myself) doesn't work. TO be honest man she might just be a weirdo. I've been in a similar situation years ago with a girl at my old job. She gave insane IOI, we did a "jokey" double date with some friends but that ended with her pushing me to the floor, getting off with me, whispering that she wanted to fuck. We never did.

She got back with her ex and we were friends, whenever I showed interest in other girls she would rank up the IOI again or text me. When I got over my oneitis for her I started shagging other girls. This was when she blocked me out completely. She randomly came up to me once and said "You've changed and I think its for the worst, you used to be so nice" which basically meant "You used to chase after me all the time and now I can see that girls like being with you...im jealous"

Perhaps she's the same? game some other office girls and see her reaction. If she behaves like that then keep clear man, you'll be on cloud 9 for like a day then it alllllll goes way way way way downhill.

Anyway, didn't mean to offend you man, feel like I did. :)
Author:  daffy duck [ Thu Dec 27, 2012 9:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Should I send this message?
Quote:
Quote:
@Bitmix - i don't believe you didnt read my post properly the first time around. a man as intelligent-sounding as you wouldn't post a reply without reading the post properly first. sounds like you are butthurt about something and fancied taking a dig at me. why, only you know. examine that.
Haha this is really weird as when I was writing that I thought I sounded butthurt as well, didn't mean to come off that way bro but trust me I didn't read it.

Personally I've found moaning about trivial things like dvds and such (i've done this myself) doesn't work. TO be honest man she might just be a weirdo. I've been in a similar situation years ago with a girl at my old job. She gave insane IOI, we did a "jokey" double date with some friends but that ended with her pushing me to the floor, getting off with me, whispering that she wanted to fuck. We never did.

She got back with her ex and we were friends, whenever I showed interest in other girls she would rank up the IOI again or text me. When I got over my oneitis for her I started shagging other girls. This was when she blocked me out completely. She randomly came up to me once and said "You've changed and I think its for the worst, you used to be so nice" which basically meant "You used to chase after me all the time and now I can see that girls like being with you...im jealous"

Perhaps she's the same? game some other office girls and see her reaction. If she behaves like that then keep clear man, you'll be on cloud 9 for like a day then it alllllll goes way way way way downhill.

Anyway, didn't mean to offend you man, feel like I did. :)
its cool. i think you're right. she's just an attention seeker. her loss.
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