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Did I F--k up or is it ok?
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Author:  gtdave [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 6:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Did I F--k up or is it ok?
Been dating this HB9 for around 3 months now and everything has been perfect! We had not defined the relationship or even remotely discussed it until today.

Background - She's not the most comfortable talking about feelings ect but she does physically show her emotions.

So last night I was at a party without her and my friends (guys & girls) where asking how it's going with her, taking the piss a bit ect. They asked me if we where exclusive and I realised that I didn't know the answer. It got me thinking that I never even asked her what she was looking for at the start! Ie, open relationship or an exclusive one or just friends with benefits.

Now I like this girl so and I'm looking for a LTR but I'd never asked if she wanted the same. All I knew was that we where meeting up twice a week and having a great time and sex!

For all I knew she was having an open relationship! If that was the case I was prepared to walk away as I know what I want and don't want.

So today we where texting and for the first time she opened up a little and said that I was unlike other guys and she couldn't fully work me out! Me like a sucker fell for it and let my guard down...

I told her that although it might seem like it I'm not just after sex. I joked after saying "there, you've worked me out a little now".

She responded saying that it's hard to work her out as she has a tough time working herself out! (I took this as bullshit, as she was just trying not to show her hand)

I ended the phone call shortly after as I didn't want to beta myself any further.

Within 5 minutes she sent me a massive text telling me exactly what she was looking for lol! I agreed and said it's what im looking for too!

She replied saying that she was way out of her comfort zone saying such stuff. I said that I also find it difficult to open up.


How did I play this?!

Any advice on what to do now and how I could of played it differently?

Ps I know you shouldn't bring up relationship stuff first but it had been 3 months and I didn't want to waste my time as I know what I'm looking for.

Dave
Author:  Hakuna [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 6:58 pm ]
Post subject: 
You didn't fuck it up, but you did mishandle it. I suspect you probably have enough attraction to get a fair margin for AFC-errors; but that doesn't mean you should willingly betatize yourself.

This whole thing about "knowing what you want" is a rationalization for your desperation for this girl & a deeper desire for security. Just make sure you don't end up beta back sliding all the way to Oneitis and you'll be ok.

You ARE supposed to emotionally calibrate with a girl, but not in a way that compromises attraction. If she came out and brought up exclusivity first, then you're doing fine. But you never want to completely drop your guard like that. Remember always, girls DO NOT want you to make it easy for them. The more of a prize you are, the more of a challenge you are, the more they will want you.
Author:  gtdave [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 7:09 pm ]
Post subject: 
Yea your right regarding my knowing what I want is a way for me to rationalise my feelings towards her. Though if the answer came back that she wanted an open relationship then I would of walked! If only to protect myself.

Yea, it's also fair to say that I want security!

How should I play it now? We are meeting on Wednesday and I'm tempted to go minimal contact until then just to regain a bit of positioning.
Author:  Monsignor Crisanto [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 7:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
I understand what you want. I'm familiar with the studies of Thomas Stanley and William Danko. With your goals, womanizing is not a long term option. You want emotional stability (no drama) so you can build your business empire.

You have reached the point of no return but I think you are still alpha. Here's what you need to do to secure your emotional investment.
  • 1. Give her multiple orgasms every time. Make her so addicted to you through massive amounts of oxytocin secretions that any other guy cannot compete. She won't risk a good sexual relationship when you achieve this.

    2. Build enough emotional connections with her. You can start telling her about your positive childhood experiences so you can bait her to do likewise. The more that you can get her into this frame, then much better. She won't risk a good emotional relationship when you achieve this.

    3. If you don't have any serious heart condition, get a fun ride in an actual real roller coaster or go bungee jumping with her. If you can get her to do these type of activities with you, then you would have secured her addiction to you. The massive amounts of dopamine that these activities will produce in her will condition her mind and heart in your favor.

    4. If she likes pets, give her a pet. It's an emotional connection thing. It will be harder for her in the future to mess up your relationship just in case.
There's a science to this Dave but I'm on my coffee break so I can't find the links for you right now since I'm rushing something. Please evaluate the above items carefully. Thank you. :twisted:
Author:  gtdave [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 7:57 pm ]
Post subject: 
Your exactly right Hellhound! I'm 27, am building a business and wanting to settle down. Last thing I want is drama so I'll give some thought to your advice.
Author:  titanman [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 8:12 pm ]
Post subject: 
Some good advice here. I'm curious though, what would be the right response to this girls text? I probably would have done the same as Dave...and I probably wouldn't even have noticed I let my guard down like Dave did!

I probably would have ended up thinking "she's opened up, now it's my turn and we can be in a happy relationship". This thread opened a weakness for me, any suggested reading?
Author:  gtdave [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 9:03 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Some good advice here. I'm curious though, what would be the right response to this girls text? I probably would have done the same as Dave...and I probably wouldn't even have noticed I let my guard down like Dave did!

I probably would have ended up thinking "she's opened up, now it's my turn and we can be in a happy relationship". This thread opened a weakness for me, any suggested reading?
That was exactly my thought process! I thought cool she has opened up so now it's my turn. Then she closed up again and it was awkward so I bailed from the situation as I'd dug myself a hole.

At least she opened up a bit afterwards, probably because she was aware of the position she put me in.

Still can't stop thinking that I have now showed my hand. Though she admitted that her friends had also been asking her if we where serious or not.

At the time I thought it was more alpha to speak my mind and not pussy about?!

I'll learn from this
Author:  Teamwerx [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 9:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
Am I reading this wrong? I don't see the 'mess up'

It seems like descent communication. I think Hellhound's advice is great, but isn't it eventually ok to show your cards?
Author:  gtdave [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 9:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Am I reading this wrong? I don't see the 'mess up'

It seems like descent communication. I think Hellhound's advice is great, but isn't it eventually ok to show your cards?
The mess up for me was thinking that she was ready to open up when she clearly wasn't. On the phone it was awkward to say the least though I did my best to keep it funny!

I pretty much asked "what are you looking for at the moment" and she didn't give a straight answer!

Though she immediately texted me what she wants afterwards. Felt like I'd forced her hand a bit.

I shouldn't of opened up at her first attempt at opening up as she was obviously just dipping her toes in the water.
Author:  Teamwerx [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 9:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
I re-read your post, it's probably not as articulated as it should be, but based on what you've written, I'd say your basically handling this fine.
Author:  Slip n Slide [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 10:21 pm ]
Post subject: 
Honestly I think this is fine. Opinions have been put into the open, and you're now exclusive with this girl. You got what you wanted!

But that said, I haven't transitioned from the hooking up stage to a relationship stage since beginning pick up. I would be very interested to see a good writer and poster write something about making the move to exclusivity. If someone knows what they're talking about on that front, PLEASE write a post in PUA Lounge and link to it here.
Author:  titanman [ Sun Apr 15, 2012 11:28 pm ]
Post subject: 
Glad you guys agree. I couldn't see the fuck up.

The only thing I'd have done differently is when she opened up (was it via text?) was ring her or say "I'll talk to you in person...meet tomorrow". Would this be fine?

I prefer convos like this in person.

Dave, I agree. You're meant to show interest etc but doing too much too soon is the no no. But you guys have been dating 3 months!! Nothing wrong here in my eyes at all. It's if you show you're feeling after a couple of weeks it could go sour, IMO.

I'd go for it. Become a couple. If I wanted an LTR dating one girl for 3 months I'd think about setting this up before it becomes too late.
Author:  Monsignor Crisanto [ Tue Apr 17, 2012 1:02 am ]
Post subject: 
Hi Dave. Here are the scientific basis for the points raised.
Enjoy. :twisted:
Author:  GeorgePH [ Tue Apr 17, 2012 6:34 am ]
Post subject: 
You handled it OK. You played into her hand a little too much and followed her lead throughout the whole thing which is bad, but other than that you did good.
Author:  gtdave [ Thu Apr 19, 2012 1:26 pm ]
Post subject: 
UPDATE

Thought it was fair to update as there was some good advice and help for me!

So met her last night for the first time since the awkward phone call that I dug myself into. We had not met in about 6 days which was longer than usual but we where both busy. It was awkward at the start of the date...Not uncomfortably awkward but it just wasn't feeling to smooth.

For a while I began to think FUCK she's lost interest but I persevered and kept being my normal self! For example, in the restaurant she was not making eye contact at all and was unusually quiet and non jokey. I just continued to try and hold eye contact and be happy! Trying to show that I was unaffected.

Then I noticed something! I try to use poker "tells" in my game to try and give me an understanding of what might be going on and what my next move should be. I noticed that her hands where very shaky in a nervous way...Something when combined with the lack of eye contact is something that I had not seen since our first date...

I then realised that it might not be disinterest but nervousness. I then turned that around to sexual tension which I took advantage of as soon as we got back ;)

I think the nervousness was caused by us not seeing each other for 6 days which is the longest since we first met. Plus ever since she got me to open up down the phone I have done a mini freeze out by reducing text activity! She was even texting me twice in a row.

If I'd not joined this forum I would of failed that date buy being unable to read the signs! The old me would of saw disinterest and backed off/not made a move or I would of just closed up and got nervous!

Date and sex session planned for Sat night!!
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