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Affair with engaged guy..
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Author:  Kathleen1980 [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 8:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Affair with engaged guy..
hi!

i`m a 31 year old gal with a bit of a situation, it would be nice to hear some feedback from guys 8)

there was a guy that i knew since ages, although i knew he was totally into me for a very long time (he never made a secret of that) we never dated because either one of us was in a relationship at every given time.

long story short: end of december we started an affair despite the fact that he was engaged and together with a girl for a bit over three years. it quickly turned out that we would have the most amazing sex imagineable and both of us did things we never did before..having a healthy experience with sex i am not exaggeratig when i say that sexually we are a 100% match. we also found to have many common interests and really clicked.

this went on for a time span of 1.5 months, always had a blast. things however got complicated because his relationship was going down the drain, not because of me, but both were considering breaking up...they took a "break" at some stage...when this stage was reached he got into a mess because he didnt know whether he wanted to proceed dating me or continue his relationship..this is where our affair got problematic...there was a constant back and forth, however it wasnt the classic "me or she" scenario, it was more of a back and forth on the issue of whether they would stay together.

after a while it got tedious, so without getting into any sort of fight or quarrel i just let him know that either "more" needs to come from his side (contact wise, he was pulling back from social contacts in general due to his messy relationship) or else i would need to look else where. we were supposed to meet 3 weeks ago, tha last time we had contact, he wanted to call and meet me, but he never did. they however did break up 2 weeks ago.

all i know is that he is seemingly not socializing that much since many people on facebook are asking him to return their calls. i also found out that he reactivated his dating profile and seems to be looking for sexual encounters. i am in no situation to get into contact with him and i wont, that would be chasing after him.

it leaves me wondering why on earth he isnt getting in contact with me? even for the mere sake of maintaining contact/friendship? we never got into a fight and i never pressed it into the relationship direction (i even made it clear to him that i like him, but dont have deeper feelings yet, but would love to continue seeing him) am i being impatient?

anyway, i started seeing other guys and dont have one-itis..its just that i am wondering that in the event of him getting in contact again and possibly stressing that he might not be ready for something new at this stage but wants to see me: i definitely want to date him with open end, should i therefore maintain contact but not resume from where we left off until he has processed his relationship or should i rather play along and just see what happens?
Author:  hardkink [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 8:45 pm ]
Post subject: 
You're his friend first and foremost. So don't take this wrong... but quit being a weasley little school girl. And call your friend. You're the one playing games here! You're shooting your own damn foot with pride. So what if you chase a little. That's what push pull is... you chase, then pull back and let him chase. You're only after sex anyway so who fuckin cares about games. Just tell him straight up you want to be a friend with Ben's.
Author:  Txacoli [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 8:57 pm ]
Post subject: 
Call him to see how he's doing and tell him you're here if he needs to talk or just take his mind of off things. You put the ball in his court and if he doesn't contact you soon, you can move on. But give it a shot. There is a potentially good relationship here and he might be in a dark place SPAM and just needs some time with himself. Let him know you're still here, he might be wondering if you are, but is too afraid to find out because he's emotionally shattered right now. Good luck!
Author:  Kathleen1980 [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 9:28 pm ]
Post subject: 
@hardkink - you got that wrong! i want to date him and see where it goes..i really think we could be a dream team, but i cant say i love him (yet). so whatever made you think that this is purely sexual = no thats wrong.

@ txacoli- i would love to call him but i cant. here is why: when things started getting complicated (when they took the break) he sort of started pulling out because he didnt know what he wanted..so it was from then onwards that i was the one that established contact and asked him how he was doing etc. then they broke up, but i only found out via facebook and not from him...so i got in touch to ask him how he was doing, that he could talk with me at ny given time...he responded by saying that he wasnt sure whether the break up was the right thing, that it might not be final etc. it was then that i told him that i understand his emotional mess, but made it clear that i would look elsewhere if he doesnt get start investing more again.

i simply cant get in touch again. that really would be chasing him and would contradict what i told him last time and would make me lose attraction. even if he generally wants to be by himself, on this dating site he can see me online = i can see that he is looking for sexual encounters and he can easily get in touch if he wanted to right now. so principally you are right, but in this case since there was no fight or quarrel, there is no reason to fear that i would bite his head off now if he would get in touch again, i really dont see that.
Author:  Mr.Confident [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 9:34 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
Call him to see how he's doing and tell him you're here if he needs to talk or just take his mind of off things. You put the ball in his court and if he doesn't contact you soon, you can move on. But give it a shot. There is a potentially good relationship here and he might be in a dark place SPAM and just needs some time with himself. Let him know you're still here, he might be wondering if you are, but is too afraid to find out because he's emotionally shattered right now. Good luck!
I second this. Heartbreak sucks and it makes you different. Go get em tiger.

~Mr.Confident
Author:  Mr.Confident [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 9:43 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:

i simply cant get in touch again. that really would be chasing him and would contradict what i told him last time and would make me lose attraction. even if he generally wants to be by himself, on this dating site he can see me online = i can see that he is looking for sexual encounters and he can easily get in touch if he wanted to right now. so principally you are right, but in this case since there was no fight or quarrel, there is no reason to fear that i would bite his head off now if he would get in touch again, i really dont see that.
well it works the other way around. if there is no reason for you to bite his head off then just go talk to him. Take it from his point of view too. He is probably thinking that you would see all those things and maybe talk to him. Or He may not want to get in contact with you because of what you said about moving on and He might think things are too late etc..In any case if you really want to see him again your gonna say to say hi again.

Misscommnication with someone your interested in sucks. It's best to just go get em. Cuz if you leave it like this your both gonna regret it.

~Mr.Confident
Author:  Kathleen1980 [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:03 pm ]
Post subject: 
Quote:

well it works the other way around. if there is no reason for you to bite his head off then just go talk to him. Take it from his point of view too. He is probably thinking that you would see all those things and maybe talk to him. Or He may not want to get in contact with you because of what you said about moving on and He might think things are too late etc..In any case if you really want to see him again your gonna say to say hi again.

Misscommnication with someone your interested in sucks. It's best to just go get em. Cuz if you leave it like this your both gonna regret it.

~Mr.Confident
i see what you mean. but the thing is that yes, i did say that i would move on if things dont change soon. however its not like months have past after i said that. when i said that he wasnt sure whether the break up was the right thing etc. one week later he decided that it was and the break up was final. this is like 6 days ago. so if i were him i would call just to see where i am and to keep me "updated". and even if he suspects that i "moved on" that quickly, i was really really sure that he would want to maintain the friendship.

if i get in contact again that might backfire...its like putting him under pressure even without saying anything...its like: ok, she is gone, lets get things going..

i suspect that he isnt ready to move onto something new...he wasnt ready back then because he had a relationship and he probably isnt now because the break up is too soon, one cant set 3 years and an engagement away at the blink of an eye..
Author:  Imar [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 10:17 pm ]
Post subject: 
Just let him know that you feel sorry for him and then just stop calling him for a while. Even when he is on a dating site, it is just part of getting his act back together. It has nothing to do with you. Right now, he is not dating material and you do not want to be just the supportive friend, because you clearly have feelings for him. Trust me, he can get the normal support from others.
Author:  Txacoli [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:07 pm ]
Post subject: 
I agree with Imar. Actually a very good friend of mine is in a similar situation. In the end she had to reach out a little more to the guy after a about a month she gave him to compose himself. You seem to have a good grip of what's going on and I'll say follow your intuition. But I guess after his LTR fell apart, he's not looking to rush into another one. It's a risk of becoming a rebound on one hand and a cold bitch on the other (if he perceives you like you don't understand his position and demand his attention too soon or else..). So maybe you can send one last friendly message, where you say you hope he's ok and to give you a call when he's feeling up for it. (at a risk of sounding clingy, sometimes you have to step up and take a risk if it's worth it). Then just go on with your life and start dating again. Don't tell him your intention is to actively date, it might come off as pressure for him to step up. Just show empathy, but not a crying shoulder. If you feel he could be special, it's better to resume your romance later, when he's ok.
Btw, welcome to the board, it's nice to have other adult females around :)
Author:  Kathleen1980 [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:26 pm ]
Post subject: 
@Imar and Txacoli-

thanks! i really appreciate the response.

yes, i do have some feelings, although its not love...its too soon for that and back then he was holding back because he was in a relationship and actually loved her, they just didnt match. i however really think that we would be a great match and really would love to find out.

its just a bit hurtful to see that he is looking for sexual encounters and sort of ignoring me, even if its probably because he "doesnt know what to do with me" right now..

i cant reach out at the moment. i already offered my ear and compassion the first time when they broke up. it was after that when he wasnt sure whether that was the right decision that he didnt get in touch to meet up with me although he aid he would. offering the same again, after they have made this decision final, really would come off as chasing/clingy.

even if he isnt sure about how i would react, since we had no quarrel he easily could get in touch to find out, just for the sake of chatting and catching up...there at no stage was any hostiliy between us.

i even could stumble into him at any given stage, since i know that he is always present at a certain event. but i would only do that in lets say two months (if i havent found someone else that interests me equally).

my question however was more of: what do i do if he contacts me in the next couple of weeks and he either makes it clear that he is not ready for something new or i kinda feel it ecause things havent really changed and he is still holding back: do i keep him at a distance then (i`m currently busy/seeing someone else etc) or do i play the "i`m cool with that" card to disarm him and hope that with time things will take their course?
Author:  Txacoli [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
In that case you do what any woman would do, say one thing, mean another and do the third :) Say you're cool with that, but be unavailable most of the times. On the times you are available, you're fun, flirty and nice, but you don't give him too much attention and you also give attention to other guys at the same time. Don't hide your dating activity, but don't flaunt it either. Look up the term push pull, that's what you should be doing. In any case don't become "the friend". Unless it's with benefits. Once you're sleeping regularly together, the time will take its course. He must not be too sure he has you in the bag, at the same time there must be enough incentive to think he might. Keep him guessing. And always look your absolute best when you do see him. Guys are visual after all.
Author:  Imar [ Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:57 pm ]
Post subject: 
Remember, love is about attraction and identification. Going all the way being supportive does not mean you'll get a reward at the end. It should, but it almost never happens (estimate 8/10 times). Would you do the same thing for another friend out of the blue? No. Do not do it either for him, because it will frustrate you. Or he is your friend, or he is a potential future lover.

What to do when he contacts you? It depends on what he has to say. If it is just another cry of the heart, run for the hills. Just be understanding at that moment, but do not pursue him. He is not ready. If he just want to date you because you are an interesting woman, go for it.
Author:  Kathleen1980 [ Sun Feb 26, 2012 12:16 am ]
Post subject: 
@Txacoli - yes that sounds sensible...my plan was to cotinue what i kept on saying from the onset: lets just have fun instead of defining things when there is no need to..time will tell what it is..

@Imar- exactly. i really didnt see me getting in touch again and that wont change. thanks for the reasurrance on that!
Author:  Imar [ Sun Feb 26, 2012 12:24 am ]
Post subject: 
If he would be interested, do not play too much hard to get, because it will be an awkward situation at first. In that case, he already fought some inner demons and had the balls to contact you again.
Author:  Slip n Slide [ Sun Feb 26, 2012 12:37 am ]
Post subject: 
Quote:
i however really think that we would be a great match and really would love to find out.

i cant reach out at the moment. i already offered my ear and compassion the first time when they broke up. it was after that when he wasnt sure whether that was the right decision that he didnt get in touch to meet up with me although he aid he would. offering the same again, after they have made this decision final, really would come off as chasing/clingy.
Your problem boils down to this.

You think that it is his responsibility to get in touch with you. But you would very much like to be in contact with him. And you think that violating his responsibility by being the first to reach out would lower you in HIS eyes.

You want to get in contact with him. But you think that if you got in contact with him, he wouldn't like you, or you will have "lost" by shouldering what you see as his responsibility.

Basically the only solution is to reach out, and there is no consequence. If he already doesn't like you, contacting him will prove that, and you can happily move on. If he's still interested, contacting him may seem like a "loss," or lowering yourself to him, but in the end both of you will be happier, so let him think he "won," I'm sure he'll be gracious about it.

Good luck, there's been some great advice here so far.
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