PUA Forum :: Problems with my SPAM.. Unsure how to proceed?

Get him a girlfriend!

Get him out of the fucking house, if you get him a gf then you are a good mate and a bro...

Seriously shut the fuck up about the pussy shit. Guy has gone through shit, its been two years, imagine your girl dumps you right now out of no where. I can promise you will be down. Obviously he is an AFC and can't handle his crap.

Be a friend take him out to bars, and approach a two set, get him to talk to a chick and let him get his shit done. Help him out and he will leave.

In all seriousness, be a good friend, why run from your problems, you said it yourself he is in your social circle, hell come back and prob hate you and that shit aint cool.

Be a man and just fight the situation by helping it. I don't mean to be a douche, but you gotta help your friend out, he would do it for you (hopefully).

6+ months is a lot he clearly needs a booster so get him drunk and some action haha

Being a good friend is one thing, but I don't think you can actually do much for him at this point. He reminds me of that movie with Jane Fonda where she gets an obsessive roommate. Scary. What do the other SPAM think about him? Is it an option that he moves out? If not, you move out, you'll see a lot less of him, even if you do run into him every couple of days. His behavior is very unhealthy and you holding his hand won't do much good to him.
Have you tried talking to him more "harshly"? Telling him he's a mess and he needs to get his shit together? Before you take a drastic step like moving out, you should definitely tell him his behavior is not cool and draw some boundaries, like him not coming into your room. Tell him you're concerned for him, you did try to help him, but he has to get out of his shit alone from now on. If he doesn't get your hints, maybe you should draw him that picture in a clearer way. Just tell him he crossed the line and you have no more patience and will not tolerate that kind of shit. Tell him to stop buying same clothes and following you around, but really mean it. Tell him honestly that his behavior is making you want to see him less and less, that you need your space and all that you feel. You'll probably have to tell him this repeatedly until he gets it. If that doesn't help, then move out or have him move out.

Your problem is you're a nice guy and you feel sorry for him. It's nice to have compassion for other human beings, but you can't sacrifice your wellbeing for the sake of others. It will cause you a lot of stress and anxiety if you keep it up. I would have an honest talk with him today and tell him straightforwardly he's causing negative emotions in your life and you're drawing the line right now. Set those boundaries. Tell him you'll be doing new stuff and you'll be doing it alone. Tell him your room is your private space and you don't want it intruded. Also tell him you can still be buddies but he has to back off and sort his stuff out. You're not his mother or his girlfriend. You have to think about yourself now and not care if he dislikes you for what you're about to say to him. Maybe this will give him the push to take responsibility for his own life. You can also tell him that, that he needs to take full responsibility for his own life and can't depend on others. Also make it clear that your relationship has become very unhealthy and if you don't get your space you can't be friends anymore at all.
If he still decides to follow you around, stop him immediately with a harsh reaction and tell him to fuck off. Sometimes people need to hear stuff harshly when they don't get it.
Let me ask you something, do you care what other people think of you? I'm sensing a part of your problem is you don't want to be disliked for whatever reason, but you'll really be a lot happier when you learn how to say NO to people. Keep us updated and good luck!

Author:	hero99 [ Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:01 pm ]
Post subject:	Problems with my SPAM.. Unsure how to proceed?
Hey again! Right guys... Not a female related question here. Basically I'm started to get a little bit tired of my male SPAM. There 4 of us in the flat but there is this one dude who is slightly socially awkward. It's hard to explain but I'll try summarize what he's like: - Very obsessive - Follows me everywhere, especially on nights out.. DLV for me, since he has long messy hair which intimidates girls - I buy a new shoes, he then goes and buys the same shoes in a different colour. - Doesn't leave me alone when in the flat and I'm just in my room. (everyone needs there own time) - Very opinionated, tries to make an argument against anything you say, even in groups of other people (Gets really annoying after a while because it kills the conversation) Basically, I feel he has low self esteem. His gf dumped him last June out of the blue. (2 year relationship). She told him that she didn't find him attractive any more. Pretty savage! At that time I was a good pal comforting him. He was gutted! But it's now 6+ months later and he's still chatting about it to me. How I've tried to tackle this: Basically I just told him to back off and give me some space. Quite abrupt. The problem is he doesn't quite get the hint. He keeps following me, keeps being in my shadow. I've got a lot of good friends, a gf of 2 years, and get comfortable amounts of girl attention at parties, etc. Just generally social when I'm out. What should I do brahs? I thought about finding a new flat but it would be incredibly awkward since this dude hangs out in my social circles so I would see him every few days. Thanks.

Author:	SmoothOp [ Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:24 pm ]
Post subject:
Get him a girlfriend!

Author:	hero99 [ Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:10 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: Get him a girlfriend! haha, Yeah but he's still cut up about his ex. He still phones her house at 4am after a night out even though she still lives with her parents.. Not ideal.

Author:	Entourages [ Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:19 pm ]
Post subject:
Get him out of the fucking house, if you get him a gf then you are a good mate and a bro... Seriously shut the fuck up about the pussy shit. Guy has gone through shit, its been two years, imagine your girl dumps you right now out of no where. I can promise you will be down. Obviously he is an AFC and can't handle his crap. Be a friend take him out to bars, and approach a two set, get him to talk to a chick and let him get his shit done. Help him out and he will leave. In all seriousness, be a good friend, why run from your problems, you said it yourself he is in your social circle, hell come back and prob hate you and that shit aint cool. Be a man and just fight the situation by helping it. I don't mean to be a douche, but you gotta help your friend out, he would do it for you (hopefully). 6+ months is a lot he clearly needs a booster so get him drunk and some action haha

Author:	hero99 [ Fri Jan 13, 2012 8:55 am ]
Post subject:
Quote: Get him out of the fucking house, if you get him a gf then you are a good mate and a bro... Seriously shut the fuck up about the pussy shit. Guy has gone through shit, its been two years, imagine your girl dumps you right now out of no where. I can promise you will be down. Obviously he is an AFC and can't handle his crap. Be a friend take him out to bars, and approach a two set, get him to talk to a chick and let him get his shit done. Help him out and he will leave. In all seriousness, be a good friend, why run from your problems, you said it yourself he is in your social circle, hell come back and prob hate you and that shit aint cool. Be a man and just fight the situation by helping it. I don't mean to be a douche, but you gotta help your friend out, he would do it for you (hopefully). 6+ months is a lot he clearly needs a booster so get him drunk and some action haha Yeah dude.. He goes out and gets drunk. He actually goes out more than me. He has also slept with a girl since the break up. But he has said he will not get a girlfriend for ages. He's still trying to get his old girl back.. I don't think you understand the extent of his obsessive nature. Buying the same clothes as me, following me everywhere. I know I have to be a good friend but damn, I cant nurture him every minute of the day. But yeah thanks for the input man!

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Author:	papichulo818 [ Fri Jan 13, 2012 8:59 am ]
Post subject:
Punch him in the face.

Author:	Txacoli [ Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:21 am ]
Post subject:
Being a good friend is one thing, but I don't think you can actually do much for him at this point. He reminds me of that movie with Jane Fonda where she gets an obsessive roommate. Scary. What do the other SPAM think about him? Is it an option that he moves out? If not, you move out, you'll see a lot less of him, even if you do run into him every couple of days. His behavior is very unhealthy and you holding his hand won't do much good to him. Have you tried talking to him more "harshly"? Telling him he's a mess and he needs to get his shit together? Before you take a drastic step like moving out, you should definitely tell him his behavior is not cool and draw some boundaries, like him not coming into your room. Tell him you're concerned for him, you did try to help him, but he has to get out of his shit alone from now on. If he doesn't get your hints, maybe you should draw him that picture in a clearer way. Just tell him he crossed the line and you have no more patience and will not tolerate that kind of shit. Tell him to stop buying same clothes and following you around, but really mean it. Tell him honestly that his behavior is making you want to see him less and less, that you need your space and all that you feel. You'll probably have to tell him this repeatedly until he gets it. If that doesn't help, then move out or have him move out.

Author:	hero99 [ Fri Jan 13, 2012 10:43 am ]
Post subject:
Quote: Being a good friend is one thing, but I don't think you can actually do much for him at this point. He reminds me of that movie with Jane Fonda where she gets an obsessive roommate. Scary. What do the other SPAM think about him? Is it an option that he moves out? If not, you move out, you'll see a lot less of him, even if you do run into him every couple of days. His behavior is very unhealthy and you holding his hand won't do much good to him. Have you tried talking to him more "harshly"? Telling him he's a mess and he needs to get his shit together? Before you take a drastic step like moving out, you should definitely tell him his behavior is not cool and draw some boundaries, like him not coming into your room. Tell him you're concerned for him, you did try to help him, but he has to get out of his shit alone from now on. If he doesn't get your hints, maybe you should draw him that picture in a clearer way. Just tell him he crossed the line and you have no more patience and will not tolerate that kind of shit. Tell him to stop buying same clothes and following you around, but really mean it. Tell him honestly that his behavior is making you want to see him less and less, that you need your space and all that you feel. You'll probably have to tell him this repeatedly until he gets it. If that doesn't help, then move out or have him move out. Thank you for an intelligent answer. Lots of kids on these forums these days. The other SPAM are not that bothered by him (They don't get followed etc etc). Partly because they are not as social as myself. Basically I think he doesn't harass them because he doesn't ideally want to be them. I may be sounding cocky but whatever. I haven't had a stern talking with him. That will be my next step. It's hard though because I am a nice guy and this dude was in my high school. I have a group of really good friends from high school and he is in this group. So it's awkward in that sense. These other guys know what he's like but don't say much. Also, if I were to move out he would have nobody. All our mutual close friends have no spare rooms and don't plan on changing flats. I'm going back to Uni tomorrow. I am going to join some more societies. In particular Yoga/Meditation society. It's something that interests me on a physical and emotional level. I would also like to meet some new people. However, I just know if I tell him I'm doing this he will then come with me. I don't want this. How do you think I should handle it? Thanks man.

Author:	Txacoli [ Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:17 am ]
Post subject:
Your problem is you're a nice guy and you feel sorry for him. It's nice to have compassion for other human beings, but you can't sacrifice your wellbeing for the sake of others. It will cause you a lot of stress and anxiety if you keep it up. I would have an honest talk with him today and tell him straightforwardly he's causing negative emotions in your life and you're drawing the line right now. Set those boundaries. Tell him you'll be doing new stuff and you'll be doing it alone. Tell him your room is your private space and you don't want it intruded. Also tell him you can still be buddies but he has to back off and sort his stuff out. You're not his mother or his girlfriend. You have to think about yourself now and not care if he dislikes you for what you're about to say to him. Maybe this will give him the push to take responsibility for his own life. You can also tell him that, that he needs to take full responsibility for his own life and can't depend on others. Also make it clear that your relationship has become very unhealthy and if you don't get your space you can't be friends anymore at all. If he still decides to follow you around, stop him immediately with a harsh reaction and tell him to fuck off. Sometimes people need to hear stuff harshly when they don't get it. Let me ask you something, do you care what other people think of you? I'm sensing a part of your problem is you don't want to be disliked for whatever reason, but you'll really be a lot happier when you learn how to say NO to people. Keep us updated and good luck!

Author:	hero99 [ Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:20 pm ]
Post subject:
Quote: Your problem is you're a nice guy and you feel sorry for him. It's nice to have compassion for other human beings, but you can't sacrifice your wellbeing for the sake of others. It will cause you a lot of stress and anxiety if you keep it up. I would have an honest talk with him today and tell him straightforwardly he's causing negative emotions in your life and you're drawing the line right now. Set those boundaries. Tell him you'll be doing new stuff and you'll be doing it alone. Tell him your room is your private space and you don't want it intruded. Also tell him you can still be buddies but he has to back off and sort his stuff out. You're not his mother or his girlfriend. You have to think about yourself now and not care if he dislikes you for what you're about to say to him. Maybe this will give him the push to take responsibility for his own life. You can also tell him that, that he needs to take full responsibility for his own life and can't depend on others. Also make it clear that your relationship has become very unhealthy and if you don't get your space you can't be friends anymore at all. If he still decides to follow you around, stop him immediately with a harsh reaction and tell him to fuck off. Sometimes people need to hear stuff harshly when they don't get it. Let me ask you something, do you care what other people think of you? I'm sensing a part of your problem is you don't want to be disliked for whatever reason, but you'll really be a lot happier when you learn how to say NO to people. Keep us updated and good luck! Thanks again.. Also just realised your a girl. No I do not care about what others think but I was a tad unsure how to handle the situation because it may have disrupted the group dynamics among my mates. Anyone else have any input?

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