I dont know what it is. I used to not care so much. Up until last year when I got interested in girls , I took one step back and realized it can't happen as I barely have any real friends and this social network called college thrives on things like a healthy social life. Then it took on from there to become a major concern and issue of depression.
I go to college. My life consists of sleeping, class, studying, eating, and surfing the internet/playing computer games. I have read up on a lot of advice online, and I have tried taking it, to little success. Honestly, it’s more fun and convenient to stay in and play games than walk around like a freakin’ weirdo on campus direct approaching girls, or simply going to clubs or playing sports. Ive encountered many people similar to me, who have a very similar lifestyle and don't interact much other than in academics, and yet they all seem content. Either they have enough friends to them or have just stopped caring about it. I just cant seem to do that. Anyhow, I went to a few clubs, rushed 2 fraternities, and joined a volunteering program. And in honestly, I truly find most of it fairly dull and boring. I truly find things like online games fun and stuff but other than that, the rest is fairly dull. For instance, Photography club? Boring, I don’t take pictures and just checked it out for the heck of it. I pretty much told myself to sit down and go through the entire list of clubs and Ive done this several times already, and most of them werent of any interest. I dont want to join some weird Arab Student union when Im not even Arab. Ping pong club interests me but Im just SOO sick of pretending like I don’t care when people make fun of me that Im not going to join that nerdy club. Honestly, I have real problems with self esteem. In high school, Id get made fun of a lot. Like Id be walking around the halls and a group of white kids will be like “Yeah [my name here]!” and then start snickering and laughing at me like I was the huge loser. I would ignore it and Id try to understand why they did that as I didn’t think I was that much of a low social value loser. But it got to me and now I sometimes stutter and I can often times not look people in the eyes. Moreover, they always do little things like that when Im not suspecting it or far away so that I notice but that I cant react back quick enough before they’re gone. Ive always ignored it, and I was even tempted recently to Facebook message one of them and cuss them out but then I decided that it would be below me and he’d just get a kick out of it and its not worth my time. Plus some of them go to my same college so it’d just be awkward, even if he apologizes. But it still irks me and I get angry as sometimes during the day I get flashbacks.
I sucked it up and went to a few clubs I were semi-interested in to try them out and they were either empty or it was like attending class. I gathered up courage in class or during clubs, to try and talk to people and introduce myself, but nothing happens as they just treat me like an acquaintance and move on. And in all honesty, I dont find them really interesting myself even though I try. And eventually often times we end up as acquaintances/strangers. I am not a friend but also not a complete a stranger. I dont know what to do. Sometimes I see them around and I say Hi but they just give this objective Hi or dont even respond or this weird look (am I being too reactive and reading too deeply just want friends. I have distanced myself from some people I have met because of previous bad experiences with the wrong kind of people (those who would tear me down and I learned who weren't true friends, and just constantly lowered my self esteem). I seem to be attracting (or at least meeting) these kind of people again and Im trying not to engage with them. Some of them ask me if I want to sit with them but I view them as materialistic, low-social value, beta, and willing to do all these things to trick a girl into getting with them (which is a flawed belief and view on women I don’t like). Also, Im trying to distance myself from people who are very low social value because Im trying to improve and I don’t want people who whine and complain all day to lower my self esteem even more.
I want to :
-work out, become good looking, or normal enough to not be made fun of or have a reason too and dress well too
- once I get to the ‘average’ standing at least, I will be able to stand up for myself if anyone makes fun of me
-make friends. I am desperate, which comes off as needy and clingy but I cant help it as Im in a huge state of depression. Yet people say to not be clingy… It’s a paradox that makes no sense whatsoever.
-somehow join some activity or group of friends that gets me out doing something I enjoy, which quality people, so I am HAPPY.
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) and if it doesn't, take it as success, no matter the size, and move forward.